Does this suck-revisited

[TrixieBelden]

I posted my beginnings of a book proposal here some time ago. Ive taken a few of the suggestions offered and am posting it again for review... be brutal, Im thick skinned.

The pleading, sobbing voices of the women she killed was once the worst sound that Judith Neelley had ever heard, the slam of her cell doors sounds far worse to her now.

When Darlie Routier gets a monthly visit from her 10 year old son it is her two slaughtered sons she sees staring back at her from behind the glass panel.

Antoinette Frank lives everyday among prison gaurds who never let her forget the brethren officers she gunned down.

These are three of the 50 women currently on death row in the United States.

I have hundreds of letters and unprecidented access to these women and am writing a book on their intimate thoughts, dreams and struggles along side the agony and optimism of the victims families.

A female killer is a mystifying beast. She is a curious monster who both fascinates and infuriates--perfect for drawing in sensational media frenzy.
Perplexed readers are forced to glean knowledge from tabloid-like interviews or dry, clinical explanations of the troubled psyche of a woman murderer.

Until now.

The crimes that put each woman on death row are only half of the story.Based on meticulous case research and long-standing, uniquely personal relationships with the inmates themselves, Women Condemned: Conversations From Death Row presents the whole story from every angle, including intimate, revealing conversations with the convicts and in-depth interviews with witnesses, law enforcement and the families.

Being the crime reporter for my city newspaper I have ridden along on many police runs and sat in on numerous closed court proceedings and investigations.
I have witnessed so many women well on their way down this same path and hear in their testimony the same death march as the women condemned.

I have hundreds of their letters, poems and photos, have accepted countless collect calls and enable them to circulate a newsletter across the country among themselves. After many visits to death row some of these women consider me their closest and sometimes only friend and yet others can be vicious and taunting.
Each letter, each phone call, each request for help and suggestion to go to hell has granted me a view inside the minds of these women that no one else is privy to.

I envision Woman Condemned: Conversations From Death Row as 65,000 words with approximately 25 to 30 photos. Each chapter is dedicated to a particular woman and consists of three sections; one focusing on case research, one on the letters from that woman and a third from the victims families.

Market

The true crime phenomenon dates back to the old west sensationalized accounts of gunslingers published as pamphlets. In the ensuing centuries there has been much change in the presentation of these accounts of mayhem, but they have never failed to enjoy wide popularity.
According to the University of Texas at Austin Legal Studies Forum, interest in the true crime genre has risen each year since 1993. Witness the recent proliferation of even more true crime television shows for the 2005 fall season.
A glance at the television programming on any given night will reveal hour upon hour of true crime drama. Shows like American Justice, Cold Case Files and Arrest and Trial showcase this genre to a voracious audience each week. Entire networks such as Court TV are dedicated to exploring real cases. Each year, increasing numbers of Americans are discovering the intrigue in real criminal cases.
A 2004 Gallup poll shows that 87% of the 23 million polled who read regularly read at least one true crime book a year.
Jennifer Furio's Letters From Prison: Voices of Women Murders , published in 2001 is still selling consistently and has branched into e-books this year.
Women Condemned will not only reflect the most current cases but reach the millions of true crime fans and those discovering the world of criminology.

__________________

[Writer2011]

Ruralwriter...Sounds like you have an excellent start. I definitely would read it. :)

[Susie]

Hi, RuralW. I think this is very good too and agree with Bill. It flows smoothly and is very interesting. Much good luck with it!

[AdamMac]

Hi ruralwriter.

It reads much better. The first three paragraphs are pretty jarring - in a good way. You have three excellent examples and it's impossible not to feel something when reading them.

I'm not sure you need a market section in your query letter though. The true crime market is pretty well defined and any editor or agent who reads this is going to know it better than you or I. Somebody may disagree with me here.

I'm still slightly uncomfortable with the ``curious monster'' paragraph. It seems a bit purple. Maybe you could combine the first two sentences of that graph so you don't have both ``mystifying beast'' and `curious monster'' so close together.

There was also a typo in there somewhere but darned if I can find it again.

It looks like you have some really good material.

Adam

[TrixieBelden]

Is this any better? And its going to an agent for representation. Where would I work that in at?

The pleading, sobbing voices of the women she killed was once the worst sound that Judith Neelley had ever heard, the slam of her cell doors sounds far worse to her now.
When Darlie Routier gets a monthly visit from her 10 year old boy it is her two slaughtered sons she sees staring back at her from behind the glass panel.
Antoinette Frank lives everyday among prison gaurds who never let her forget the brethren officers she gunned down.
These are three of the 50 women currently on death row in the United States.
I have hundreds of letters and unprecidented access to these women and am writing a book on their intimate thoughts, dreams and struggles along side the agony and optimism of the victims families. After many visits to death row some of these women consider me their closest and sometimes only friend and yet others can be vicious and taunting. Each letter, each phone call, each request for help and suggestion to go to hell has granted me a view inside the minds of these women that no one else is privy to.
A female killer is a mystifying beast who both fascinates and infuriates--perfect for drawing in sensational media frenzy.
Perplexed readers are forced to glean knowledge from tabloid-like interviews or dry, clinical explanations of the troubled psyche of a woman murderer.

Until now.

The crimes that put each woman on death row are only half of the story. Based on meticulous case research and long-standing, uniquely personal relationships with the inmates themselves, Women Condemned: Conversations From Death Row presents the whole story from every angle, including intimate, revealing conversations with the convicts and in-depth interviews with witnesses, law enforcement and the families.

Being the crime reporter for my city newspaper I have ridden along on many police runs and sat in on numerous closed court proceedings and investigations, witnessing so many women well on their way down this same path and hearing in their testimony the same death march as the women condemned.

I envision Woman Condemned: Conversations From Death Row as 65,000 words with approximately 25 to 30 photos. Each chapter is dedicated to a particular woman and consists of three sections; one focusing on case research, one on the letters from that woman and a third from the victims families.

[AdamMac]

Aha. I found the typo. Unprecedented.

I'll get back to you in a bit with a brief line edit when I have time. Just a few minor things.

In the meantime, here's a line that I'll keep forever and ever:

jjjjjjk cccvfbbbbbbbbbbbbb

That's the first ever, umm, sentence typed by my 17-month-old daughter, who's sitting on daddy's lap right now. I guess she says hi.

[TrixieBelden]

Hello daughter! Fine writing style you have there!

[Julie Worth]

I read a couple of sentences and found the screen dripping in blood! No wonder you wanted us to be brutal!



I was turned off by the first line, not so much for all the pleading and sobbing, but because of the awkward, comma-spliced construction. Trying to get too much into it, I suspect. The second sentence is missing a comma, and in the third, everyday would be better as two words, and guards is misspelled, as is unprecedented futher down.

I'm not sure about the opening. Perhaps you could orient the agent better as to what this is. Like maybe--

Fifty women. All of them murderers, all of them slated to die. There’s Darlie Routier who slaughtered her two sons, who sees their faces in the ten-year-old boy behind the security glass, the son who survived. There’s Judith Neelley, who can’t escape the sobbing and pleading of the women she killed. She hears them in the horrible screech of the cell doors as they slam shut. There’s Antoinette Frank, who perhaps has it worst of all, for she killed a police officer, gunned him down. She can’t forget, for the guards won’t let her. No sympathy, no sympathy for that b***h. These are three of the fifty women now on death row in the United States.

[TrixieBelden]

Thanks so much for your help, guys. I feel like I'm putting together a jig-saw puzzle in the dark. Im just clueless but I feel like I have to write this book. Does that make sense?

Is this any better?

Dear Agent,

Judith Neelley once thought that the sobbing voices of the women she killed was the worst sound that she had ever heard. The slam of her cell doors sounds far worse to her now.

When Darlie Routier gets a monthly visit from her 10 year old boy, it is her two slaughtered sons that she sees staring back at her.

Antoinette Frank lives every day among prison guards who never let her forget the brethren officers she gunned down.

These are three of the 50 women currently on death row in the United States.

I have hundreds of letters and unprecedented access to these women and am writing a book on their intimate thoughts and the brutal memories of their crimes along side the agony and optimism of the victims families. After many visits to death row some of these women consider me their closest and sometimes only friend and yet others can be vicious and taunting. Each letter, each phone call, each request for help and suggestion to go to hell has granted me a view inside the minds of these women that no one else is privy to.
A female killer both fascinates and infuriates--perfect for drawing in sensational media frenzy.
Perplexed readers are forced to glean knowledge from tabloid-like interviews or dry, clinical explanations of the troubled psyche of a woman murderer.

Until now.

The crimes that put each woman on death row are only half of the story. Based on meticulous case research and long-standing, uniquely personal relationships with the inmates themselves, Women Condemned: Conversations From Death Row presents the whole story from every angle, including intimate, revealing conversations with the convicts and in-depth interviews with witnesses, law enforcement and the families.

Being the crime reporter for my city newspaper I have ridden along on many police runs and sat in on numerous closed court proceedings and investigations, witnessing so many women well on their way down this same path and hearing in their testimony the same death march as the women condemned.

I envision Woman Condemned: Conversations From Death Row as 65,000 words with approximately 25 to 30 photos. Each chapter is dedicated to a particular woman and consists of three sections; one focusing on case research, one on the letters from that woman and a third from the victims families.

A complete synopsis and sample chapters are avialble upon request.

Should I just delete that whole part in red?

[Writer2011]

I still like it...:)

[Mamawamba]

I don't have any advice, I just wanted to say that I don't read true crime very often (not since high school) and I'd definitely be interested in reading this book. I hope you succeed in getting it published.

[Chacounne]

Facinating book you're proposing, Ruralwriter. I'm especially intrigued because I thought Darlie Routier had always denied her crime.

A small grammatical point: The slam of her cell doors sounds
should read either The slam of her cell door sounds
or The slam of her cell doors sound


Hope this helps :)
Chac/Heather

[Schoolmarm]

Ruralwriter, I like the part in red. I'd leave it in.

I'm also putting my little chunky butt in line to get a copy when it's finally published. It's my humble opinion that this will be one fascinating book!

[TrixieBelden]

Thank you very much everyone. The query letter that this ended up being has netted me 5 proposal requests from the 20 agents I sent it to.
I'm not sure if this is good or bad. But I'm now working on a proposal , I should have had it done already but never expected to get immediate responses. I thought it took months.
So here I am tripping over myself in the dark again to get something done.
Thank heaven for Christa and Adam whom I have found here and are the mentors supremo.
Wish me luck!
Here is how the final draft turned out:


Judy once thought the fearful sobs of the women she killed were the most dreadful sounds she'd ever heard. Now, the slam of death row's cell door sounds far worse.

Darlie gets a monthly visit from her ten year old only to look into his questioning eyes and see her two slaughtered sons staring back.

Antoinette lives every day with the constant harangue of prison guards who never let her forget the brother officers she ruthlessly gunned down.

These are three of the 50 women currently on death row in the United States.

As the crime reporter for The Saturday Independent in Manchester, TennesseeI’ve accompanied police on their runs and sat in on numerous closed court proceedings and investigations. I’ve witnessed many women well on their way down this same destructive path and heard in their testimony the death march of women condemned.

After many visits to death row, some of these prisoners consider me their closest(sometimes, only) friend, while others are vicious and taunting. I have accumulated hundreds of their letters and am granted unprecedented access to these prisoners. Each letter, each phone call, each request for help or suggestion to go to hell has awarded me an intimate view inside the oft tangled, often tortured, always haunted minds of these women.

I’m currently seeking representation for my non-fiction book Women Condemned: Conversations From Death Row which details the secret thoughts and brutal memories of condemned women.

A female killer both fascinates and infuriates--perfect for drawing in sensational media frenzy. However, captivated readers are forced to glean knowledge from tabloid-like interviews or dry, clinical explanations of the troubled psyche of a woman murderer. Until now.
The crimes that put each woman on death row are only half of the story. Based on meticulous case research and long-standing, uniquely personal relationships with the inmates themselves, Women Condemned: Conversations From Death Row confronts the whole story from every angle. It includes intimate, revealing conversations with the convicts and in-depth interviews with witnesses, law enforcement and victim families.


I envision Woman Condemned: Conversations From Death Row 70,000 words with approximately 25 to 30 photos. Each of the ten chapters is dedicated to a particular inmate and consists of three sections; case research, letters, and the victims' families.

A complete synopsis and sample chapters are available upon request.

[Julie Worth]

5 out of 20? Your results are outstanding!

[TrixieBelden]

outstanding? Really 5 out of twenty is outstanding?

[Jack]

Congratulations ruralwriter. I also think that is a very interesting book idea and would make an excellent documentary afterwards.

Good luck!

[AdamMac]

Hi RW. I tried replying to your e-mail but got a delivery error msg for some reason this time.. Also, your AW message folder is full so I can't send it there. What should I do? Adam

[TrixieBelden]

I sent you another email and cleared out my messages folder.