A Tense Device

I'm editing my WIP. First person, present.

When I was doing my first draft there was a scene where my MC goes to Old Trafford (Manchester United's football ground). It's his father's birthday and his ashes were scattered there about a year after he died. My MC is paying his respects, or trying to.

I was playing about with some devices to show distance, a certain detachment to what's happening. On my first go through I used second person. Didn't like it. Since then I've tried third person--worked better than second, but felt a bit heavy handed and could easily trip the reader. Something similar was done in American Psycho where Bateman goes sick on the city streets and starts to narrate, mid-paragraph, in third to show his psychological distance from the mayhem--that did trip me at first but then I really liked it. Now I'm back to first person but using past tense.

My idea is that when something is too much for the MC--emotionally, whatever--he almost goes to autopilot and coasts through the events and isn't able to acknowledge the scene until after the fact.

I like it. It feels right for my character. A simple change of tense is adding more to his dimensions than I could have hoped.

Now I'm finding other scenes that could be used in a similar way. I'm not going to do it a lot--a handful of scenes, say. I'm picking the scenes where this device could be used very carefully. I've found one where it's almost a collage of the first few weeks of the honeymoon period with his new girlfriend (so it's not going to just be sad scenes where this happens, but ones that are a bit too much for the emotional naivety of my MC).

What do you think? Have you seen it before? Does it sound okay to you? Would it trip you up? I know, depends how awesome I am at writing and stuff. I get it. But does the idea sound like a good one? Does what I'm trying to do make sense? Has anyone done anything similar and have any tips for me?

Thanks,

Gonzo

Layla Nahar said:

Well, you said it worked for you in American Psycho, but you did have to get used to it. Perhaps go back, have a look at that and see how he manages it - what works for you? What's a bit off?

If I knew any other books that use a device like you're describing, I'd happily recommend them to you, but I guess I'm a fairly meat-and-potatoes reader...

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I like meat and potatoes, too. It's different than American Psycho. My idea just reminded me of it. In that it goes from first- to third-present during a scene (I think what tripped me was I didn't notice at first and then realised he's talking about his actions in the third person). My scenes are going to be past from their start, but with most of the others in the novel being present. A bit more subtle changing tense from one scene to the next, rather than changing POV midway through a paragraph.

I should mention that I've already put it into practice in the scene I mentioned, and it seems to work very well. I think really I was wondering if what I'm trying to do makes sense--the detachment and such--and if it would bother anyone.

Thanks, Layla

Peter Graham said:

Hi Gonzo

Like you say yourself....

I'd say it depends 100% on this. What you are doing is playing with the form. There is nothing wrong with that, but unless you can do it really well - which in this context means ensuring that the reader is carried seamlessly through the voice shifts (not tense, by the way) from 1st to 3rd person and back again - you'll end up looking as though you are trying too hard.

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No, I played with first to third, but like I said, I decided to just use present to past.

The late, great, guitar furtler Isaac Guillory used to say "never exceed your limitations and no-one will know you have any". Same goes here. If the plot needs it, then fine - you have your imperative to give it a go. But if the finished product creaks like Victory under full sail, don't be frightened to kick it into the long grass. Ultimately, it's not about tips - it's all down to whether your writing is strong and commanding enough to pull it off.

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It's good advice.

Good Lord! Would the Red Scum really allow such a thing? For added authenticity, perhaps the joyless Fergie would have to stand on the touchline, furiously jabbing at his watch and pulling constipated faces at the vicar when he decided that the ceremony should have ended by now....

Regards,

Peter

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Yeah, they let you do it on the sideline (the grass is changed on the actual pitch too often), so they have this guy that leads you through and stands to one side while you put the ashes down the line and say what you say. Fergie is nowhere to be seen when this happens

Thans, Peter.

AutumnWrite said:

IMO it would throw me off, as a reader. But I can see your point. If it's done well, I'm sure it can work. Showing the MC is distracted is hard, it can be confusing. Is there some way you can have the MC focus on lesser details, maybe berating himself for not focusing?

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Nice. I like the way you think. It's my back-up plan. If this doesn't stick when implemented, I'm going for a distant first where the MC drifts in and out of the scene, almost skimming over the details, possibly reducing it even more to just a mention in another scene to show how little it registered.

Thanks for the responses.

Torgo, I know exactly what you're saying and have already put some thought into that when trying to implement this... device. The scene before leads into him going, and the scene after has it mentioned--just in passing. Still, I had the problem of the why. The scene I set in past is based from the present. I know, hang on. What? Heh. The character is still in the present when the scene is playing out. Say there's a United scarf hanging over the arm of the couch, a missed call from his mother on his phone, the rain that threatened at the ground is now hitting the window.

Rarely when you read a past-tense POV--maybe a couple come to mind--do you know the location of the narrator as he's telling the story. It's just a guy saying this is what happened then. My idea is more specific and will be more conversational and obvious that it's only just happened. That means shit when posting on here, but hopefully the execution of it will speak for itself.

I'm not going to force it. I'm just playing around and having fun with my first novel. I'm not putting this much work into a piece it for it to fall flat because of a daft idea. Don't worry, if it doesn't work I'll certainly change it. I'm not a darling about it and appreciate everyone's advice.

Than you