Bad Sex in Fiction Schadenfreude

dangerousbill · Nov 23, 2011

The annual candidates for terrible/awkward/funny sex scenes from mainstream writers, many of whom are notoriously bad at sex scenes:
http://www.theatlanticwire.com/ente...r-2011-bad-sex-fiction-award-shortlist/45294/
"My tongue furiously worked the craters."

The article itself is not yet up on the Literary Review website.

Filigree · Nov 23, 2011

N.K. Jemisin's debut fantasy novel THE HUNDRED THOUSAND KINGDOMS, which contains a sex scene that literally puts its participants into orbit.

mscelina · Nov 23, 2011

Wow. Just wow. Some of these are BAD.

Brindle Chase · Nov 23, 2011

God... I hope my name's not on this list.... *lol*

amrose · Nov 23, 2011

Ya' know. I think that Stephen King one is probably supposed to be akward.

Bubastes · Nov 23, 2011

That one from Lee Child is particularly awful.

kuwisdelu · Nov 23, 2011

Half of those really aren't that bad. Not all sex writing need be erotic.

And based on 1Q84 and his Trilogy of the Rat, I think Haruki Murakami just has an ear fetish, which is fine with me.

Kendeldavi · Nov 23, 2011

I've never had a taste for freshly made ear before.

jennontheisland · Nov 24, 2011

kuwisdelu said:
Half of those really aren't that bad. Not all sex writing need be erotic.

And based on 1Q84 and his Trilogy of the Rat, I think Haruki Murakami just has an ear fetish, which is fine with me.

Yeah, well, some fiction meant to be erotic is still bad.

Uncle Walter's Bad Romance Novel Quotes

Silver-Midnight · Nov 24, 2011

jennontheisland said:
Yeah, well, some fiction meant to be erotic is still bad.

Uncle Walter's Bad Romance Novel Quotes

Woah. Some of those were just....saddening.

Sarah Madara · Nov 24, 2011

From the title of this post I thought we were going to talk about Schadenfreude from reading about fictional characters having bad sex.

It's hard to judge some of these lines out of context, except the last one by Chris Adrian. There's just no excuse for that.

thewife · Nov 24, 2011

I admit that we do, on occasion, take some quotes out of context -- but they're *very* few and far between. Out of the thousands of quotes we've compiled in the last two plus years, the vast (vast) majority are exactly as you read them, meant in that exact way. Even the one with the rubber chicken. In fact, in the rest of that story, there's not another reference to a rubber chicken. So not only is it not taken out of context, but that is the quote in its entirety.

Anyway, thanks, as always, for the shout out. You're always awesome.

jennontheisland said:
Yeah, well, some fiction meant to be erotic is still bad.

Uncle Walter's Bad Romance Novel Quotes

Sarah Madara · Nov 25, 2011

thewife said:
I admit that we do, on occasion, take some quotes out of context -- but they're *very* few and far between.

I was referring to the single lines in the article linked by the OP, so my post wasn't directed at you at all

Even the one with the rubber chicken.

That was hysterical. Thank you for starting my day off with a big laugh.

Silver-Midnight · Nov 25, 2011

The "rubber chicken" one was hilarious.

Ambri · Dec 4, 2011

OMG. Rubber chickens Do Not belong in love scenes, unless the aforementioned love scene features Carrot Top or that melon-smashing comedian.

Mr Flibble · Dec 5, 2011

Those are fairly mild compared to previous winners. Last years' sample: 'Like a lepidopterist mounting a tough-skinned insect with a too blunt pin he screwed himself into her.'

Or my personal fave from 2004:

"Hoyt began moving his lips as if he were trying to suck the ice cream off the top of a cone without using his teeth ... Slither slither slither slither went the tongue, but the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns ... "

dangerousbill · Dec 5, 2011

IdiotsRUs said:
since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns ... "

I used 'pubococcygeus' once. But the speaker was a nurse, and she was explaining how she could bring off her lover by squeezing her vagina.

KatieJ · Dec 6, 2011

Okay, sorry, I know it's bad form to resurrect an old thread but the rubber chicken one was great. If I had any money I'd buy the book just to find out if there were any more gems!

kuwisdelu · Dec 6, 2011

IdiotsRUs said:
"Hoyt began moving his lips as if he were trying to suck the ice cream off the top of a cone without using his teeth ... Slither slither slither slither went the tongue, but the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns ... "

I've added a new guideline to my thoughts on the "when to use and when not to use big words" debate: if you think you might stumble over it during a public reading, do not use it.

Alessandra Kelley · Dec 6, 2011

David Guterson has won the awful sex scene prize for his novel Ed King (a modern retelling of Oedipus Rex, get it?).

Details from The Guardian:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2011/dec/06/david-guterson-bad-sex-award

Alessandra Kelley · Dec 6, 2011

And here's the BBC story on it:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-16056986

(Apparently the Literary Review bad sex scene awards were established by Auberon Waugh in 1993 to discourage ghastly, awkward sex scenes in novels.)

thewife · Dec 6, 2011

Sarah Madara said:
I was referring to the single lines in the article linked by the OP, so my post wasn't directed at you at all

No worries. I just wanted to give an opinion from someone who does it for a living so to speak. lol

That was hysterical. Thank you for starting my day off with a big laugh.

You are more than welcome. It is one of my favorites for illustrating context.

thewife · Dec 6, 2011

Silver-Midnight said:
The "rubber chicken" one was hilarious.

We thought so! When Uncle Walter stumbled across it, we both laughed so hard that we literally had tears streaming down our faces. There are more from that book, too. I really need to find it and pull a few more out of it.

thewife · Dec 6, 2011

Ambri said:
OMG. Rubber chickens Do Not belong in love scenes, unless the aforementioned love scene features Carrot Top or that melon-smashing comedian.

Ah, Gallagher. I met him, back when he was still funny and before he turned into a blathering racist.

thewife · Dec 7, 2011

KatieJ said:
Okay, sorry, I know it's bad form to resurrect an old thread but the rubber chicken one was great. If I had any money I'd buy the book just to find out if there were any more gems!

There are! I distinctly remember one about ice cream. I absolutely HAVE to find the book now, because I remember it being just chock full of awful goodness.

Bad Sex in Fiction Schadenfreude

Retired Illuminatus

Mildly Disturbing

Teh doommobile, drivin' rite by you

Dancing on the edge

is Envy Augustine

bananaed

Revolutionize the World

Learning to swim without goggles

the world is at my command

Freeway stomper extraordinaire

Freeway stomper extraordinaire

Plotting something

They've been very bad, Mr Flibble

Retired Illuminatus

I think I'm back....

Revolutionize the World

Sophipygian

Sophipygian