What of this opening to a short story?

Hi Mr. Orange. I sure somebody will tell you this - but, the place to get crits is in the SYW forum. When you get to 50 posts you can put your full work there. I can share with you what I learned about writing effective short stories. A good opening for a short story contains a strong hint of the ending/payoff.

A good way to get to 50 posts is to visit SYW and leave critiques on some of the stories posted there. It's not the only way, but in doing so you'll be more likely to get critiques back in return.

Good luck with your short story.

Yep. Don't worry, you'll get there quickly enough

You're almost halfway there already. Participate in a few more threads and before you know it the MAGIC GATES WILL SWING WIDE FOR YE.

Mr. Orange said:

50 posts huh? That's the magic number: I wasn't sure why it was blocked for me.

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yup

the 50 posts rule was because otherwise lots of folks stopped by once long enough to strip-mine a few crits, then they packed their stuff and left.....basically taking whatever they could but never bothering to give anything in return.

Welcome, Mr. Orange! Keep writing, and by the time you are at 50 posts you might have an entire story.

Generally, you don't open a story with weather. Open with action.

While you wait to make 50 posts, I'll take a shot at your beginning:

Jack cracked the mini blinds and looked into the night-dark street. Wind pumped water against the house in bursts and fits; it was a regular drenching, a Missouri monsoon, a black river down Handan street. It was a water park ride, and had it not been sixty-two degrees and full of lightning and hail and of a rather displeasing texture, Jack would have hurled himself down the street in his swim trunks with his legs in the air as the water carried him off to black oblivion.

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Basically, Jack noticed it was night, it was raining hard, and—for some unknown reason—he wants to be carried into oblivion. Perhaps you could have less about the weather and more about the character. And lose a bunch of adjectives. Let nouns and verbs carry the action.

I'm also puzzled why he'd want to wear swim trunks and why his feet would be in the air.

Maybe something like this?
Jack stared through the mini blinds at the rain beating against his house and making a black river down Handan street. Had it not been for the lightning and hail, he would have hurled himself into the flood and let the water carry him away.

Work on this and then post more of the story to SYW. It's hard to tell what direction you want your story to take from just an opening.

Ummm, where is the you-can't-open-with-weather-rule? Did I miss that one, too?

I've done it a few times, but sure, it needs to integrate into the story. Weather-for-weather's sake, bah. Weather to create mood or atmosphere, fine.

At a conference several years ago, I heard an editor say that opening with weather is called "Weather Channel Fiction" and it makes for a weak beginning. Also, remember the allegedly worst book ever written begins "It was a dark and stormy night."

Several agents hate weather as a beginning for novels: http://www.writersdigest.com/writing-articles/by-writing-goal/get-published-sell-my-work/what-agents-hate.

I had to read it twice to really understand, so I don't think your wording is clear and accessible enough. However, you painted some pretty engaging images! I can definitely see promise in this bit of writing.

Just to prepare you when you get those 50 posts, the sample gives us a description of how the rain is beating against the house and how it is flowing down the street, but that is suddenly scrapped when it becomes hail. You have to play fair with the reader, even in the small details. You have brought the reader to form a mental picture with your vivid words about the rain and then throw the change up (to hail) before that paragraph is even complete. That can yank a reader right out of the description. If you take all that time to get the reader up to speed with the rain, stick with the rain. If you want it to hail, describe the hail hitting the house.

Please do take some time to read (and comment on) several of the entries in Share Your Work before you get to 50 posts. Also, do a search for things like "opening paragraphs" and "opening with weather" in the various writing forums. Better yet, do a similar search in Uncle Jim's writing threads. From all of these sources you will get a good ideal of some of the pitfalls and some of the good ways to open a story. And, yes, it is possible to open a story with weather, but it had better be an amazing opening. In your case, you've set a decent tone for the story and you've brought your character into it. Keep the focus on the character and him move into the action of the scene soon.

And just as a caution, if you hadn't included the character's reaction to the rain/hail, the opening could have been boiled down to "It was a dark and stormy night..." Some readers might see it as that as it is, so what you write next in your story is critical. And please don't post what you have next. That would be a continuing violation the 50 post rule.

Besides, I expect this thread may be locked soon.

Yep, 50 posts needed. Check out this info thread: Starting new threads in SYW - minimum post count requirement

If prompted, the password for Share Your Work = vista

-Derek