Time for a dumb question!

M. Scott · Nov 7, 2011

The example I'm providing isn't the way I normally write, and I can't say I recall seeing many, if any, use it. Nevertheless, it's something I'm curious about. Is it verboten?

For a hint of context -- the character is loony.

[FONT=&quot]"I’m Felix.” He rolled his chin along his collar, making his neck bunch up as he said, “Like the cat” and laughed. [/FONT]

I don't "technically" see anything wrong with it, but the idea of adding more after the last line of speaking like that feels somewhat out of convention. Have you ever seen anyone do that?

Maryn · Nov 7, 2011

I'd change only one thing. Since you completed a sentence with a period, you can't act as if "like the cat" is a resumption. So I'd write it as:

"I’m Felix.” He rolled his chin along his collar, making his neck bunch up as he said, “Like the cat” and laughed.

I'm not enthusiastic about the phrasing or placement of and laughed. I might go with

"I’m Felix.” He rolled his chin along his collar, making his neck bunch up. "Like the cat.” He laughed.

You're aware, I presume, that large numbers of people younger than I (and presumably you) will never have heard of Felix the Cat. Their loss.

Maryn, tipping her ears because she isn't wearing a hat

M. Scott · Nov 7, 2011

Lol, yeah, I already finished that little typo while you were writing your post

. You're fast.

This is how I kept it in my MS after the previously mentioned attempt. It was one of those things where I was just rolling with it and it came out odd.

[FONT=&quot]“I’m-a, I’m Felix.” He rolled his chin along his collar, making his neck bunch up as he said, “Like the cat.” A delirium-loaded chuckle escaped him.

Just for the hell of it, I flipped through a few texts. It doesn't happen in those Dexter books...but he does some goofy things with dialogue I wouldn't dream of doing. Anne Rice never goes that route either.
[/FONT]

brianjanuary · Nov 7, 2011

I would go with Maryn on this one: "I’m Felix.” He rolled his chin along his collar, making his neck bunch up. "Like the cat.” He laughed.

The only drawback is that you have two sentences starting with "he" very close to each other. You might try something like:

"I’m Felix.” He rolled his chin along his collar, making his neck bunch up. "Like the cat.”

She heard him laugh.

Brian January
http://amzn.com/B005WM0HN6
http://amzn.com/B006QCZF3S

Snick · Nov 7, 2011

You were trying to show that the character was a bit off through his speech and his motion, and you succeeded. I can picture such a person, and I am glad that I have not met him.

M. Scott · Nov 7, 2011

Yeah, he's actually not too bad a guy in the story. He gets repeatedly bashed into a windowpane until he breaks through. Hence his head gets a bit, um...let's just say it doesn't retain red fluid too well.

AnWulf · Nov 7, 2011

M. Scott said:
I don't "technically" see anything wrong with it, but the idea of adding more after the last line of speaking like that feels somewhat out of convention. Have you ever seen anyone do that?

Not that I'm a good byspel since I do tend to be unconventional ... but I've done it.

M. Scott · Nov 7, 2011

Hmm. I'll try another one. Nice and pointlessly random!

He walked over to her and said, "I love you," then wiped his ass.

Time for a dumb question!

M. Scott

2024 will be my year!

Maryn

I Tried

M. Scott

2024 will be my year!

brianjanuary

Snick

M. Scott

2024 will be my year!

AnWulf

M. Scott

2024 will be my year!