Help Me Edit This Sentence, Please

allz28 · Sep 21, 2011

I have lots of questions.

Okay, this is a sentence in a 75 word story, so although it could be written differently, I really want to keep the wording exactly as it is. But I need help with the punctuation.

Here's the sentence:

Blonde; designer legs; plastic, perfect breasts--he marries Heidi.

I've also considered:

Blonde, designer legs, plastic perfect breasts--he marries Heidi.

How would you punctuate it? Is the em dash the best choice?

Also, would you use blonde or blond? I know Blonde is a noun for a female with light hair. But I'm wondering if I should use blond since it may be considered as an adjective here.

Thanks!

rainsmom · Sep 21, 2011

I'd use the commas and the em dash, and I'd use blonde.

Rise2theTop · Sep 21, 2011

rainsmom said:
I'd use the commas and the em dash, and I'd use blonde.

Ditto

FennelGiraffe · Sep 21, 2011

Blonde for parallel structure; it's in a series with legs and breasts, which are nouns.

Commas to separate the items in the series, because the comma between plastic and perfect can be omitted. With it, plastic and perfect both describe breasts. Without it, perfect describes breasts and plastic describes perfect breasts. Either is a valid interpretation.

Emdash because, well, because nothing else works there. I considered the possibility of a colon, but that would be an inversion of the normal usage.

Arkie · Sep 21, 2011

Doesn't the EM dash tie the description to the wrong person; although I guess "He" might possiblly have designer legs, plastic perfect breasts, etc.

Pepperman · Sep 21, 2011

allz28 said:
I have lots of questions.

Okay, this is a sentence in a 75 word story, so although it could be written differently, I really want to keep the wording exactly as it is. But I need help with the punctuation.

Here's the sentence:

Blonde; designer legs; plastic, perfect breasts--he marries Heidi.

I've also considered:

Blonde, designer legs, plastic perfect breasts--he marries Heidi.

I'm confused...are you saying her breasts are plastic? If so...there's no such creature. Silicone yes--plastic no. I'm a plastic surgeon, so I'd say, "perfect silicone breasts"

Help Me Edit This Sentence, Please

allz28

No Stranger To Rejection

rainsmom

Feeling like an old timer

Rise2theTop

To Live the Dream, Ya Gotta Feel It

FennelGiraffe

It's green they say

Arkie

a reader's ear and a writer's heart

Pepperman

Pepperman