What's wrong with this opening sentence? [Archive]

Julie Worth

11-24-2005, 03:15 AM

Unlike the decaying corpse propped against the wall, he was unwilling to wait and be consumed by the unseen creatures scurrying in the alley. His choices: wait, be eaten, or run.

Several problems. The first sentence implies that the corpse is willing to wait, and so is capable of making decisions. The second sentence is terrible. On the face of it, it just lists what we already know, except the choices aren't correct. Because there are just two choices: wait and be eaten, or run.

Torgo

11-24-2005, 03:33 AM

It's bad?

Richard

11-24-2005, 03:42 AM

Wait: Turn to page 162
Be Eaten: Turn to page 44
Run: Turn to page 67

SpookyWriter

11-24-2005, 03:44 AM

Okay, I want to thank everyone for their comments. I had this opening sentence in my prologue for quite some time and generally people didn't have such an adversion to it. But, I am think skinned and changed the opening to read:

Unlike the half-eaten corpse propped against the wall, he wasn’t planning to wait around and become a meal for the unseen creatures scurrying in the alley. His choices: wait and be eaten, or run.

---

Is this better? The reason I don't use a noun is because it's a nightmare scene and we don't need to know his name yet. Chapter one brings us into the light and we learn the protagonists name.

Thanks!

P.S. I would post this is the critique section, but it requires a password which I don't have. Hmmm...

Jon

scribbler1382

11-24-2005, 03:45 AM

Man, you guys are brutal today. :)

I agree mostly with what everyone else said. Bottomline, if I picked up a book in a store and read that as the first line I wouldn't keep going. So, take a look at all these other points, but then ask your reader self: "What would make me want to keep reading?" A faceless nobody redundantly being killed probably isn't going to do it.

scribbler1382

11-24-2005, 03:47 AM

P.S. I would post this is the critique section, but it requires a password which I don't have. Hmmm...

That password is in the section's description.

batgirl

11-24-2005, 03:50 AM

What they said. If it's meant to be suspenseful, it doesn't succeed. There's a decaying corpse in the alley, and some 'unseen creatures', probably rats if they're only making scurrying noises. Why would our unnamed protagonist have to run? So far I don't know why he couldn't just saunter nonchalantly off, whistling. If the corpse had had its head bit clean off, and was still fresh or something, that might be different. All this suggests is that the city sanitation dept. isn't very prompt.
Also, no idea of the protagonist's reaction to finding the corpse. Is he frightened? Disgusted? Nonchalant? Does it mean that he's in trouble himself, was the corpse someone he knew or needed, or is it just a random prop corpse? He's not willing to wait in an alley with a corpse, so that rats or something can eat him - well, yeah, I'm on his side there, anyways.
-Barbara
PS: would it be rude to attempt to rewrite the sentences to create shock or suspense with the same situation? Just asking.

SpookyWriter

11-24-2005, 03:53 AM

I posted the prologue in writing craft area under Horror (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?p=400064#post400064). Maybe it's best to read all of it in context?

Thanks!

Jon

Aconite

11-24-2005, 04:55 AM

Unlike the half-eaten corpse propped against the wall, he wasn’t planning to wait around
This still implies the corpse is planning to wait around (which is creepy, admittedly, but not intentional).

Gabriele

11-24-2005, 05:26 AM

Is this better? The reason I don't use a noun is because it's a nightmare scene and we don't need to know his name yet. Chapter one brings us into the light and we learn the protagonists name.

Jon

Frankly, I tend to skip prologues to begin with, and if after several pages into a book I'm told it was a dream and not the real thing I was reading so far, the book will end up against the next wall, never to be picked up again. It's one of my pet peeves, together with those blasted prophesies in Fantasy. ;)

Perks

11-24-2005, 05:31 AM

Frankly, I tend to skip prologues to begin with...

So, it's YOU! Everyone around here keeps telling me that readers don't read prologues and I've made a point to ask a lot of people and they all look at me like I've three heads. Okay, seeing is believing. I believe you...

Peggy

11-24-2005, 06:03 AM

Unlike the half-eaten corpse propped against the wall, he wasn’t planning to wait around and become a meal for the unseen creatures scurrying in the alley. His choices: wait and be eaten, or run. I agree with the others in the thread that this doesn't really capture my interest in the story. Usually when a character must make a choice, there is some sort of ethical or practical dilemma involved in the decision. In this case the choices are to either stay with a corpse and be eaten or to run away - it seems like a no-brainer.

reph

11-24-2005, 06:11 AM

In this case the choices are to either stay with a corpse and be eaten or to run away - it seems like a no-brainer.
Indeed, the first sentence tells us which choice he made, so where's the suspense?

DamaNegra

11-24-2005, 06:25 AM

I'm still not convinced about the second sentence. It sounds like a supermarket list, I can almost imagine him checking off his options in a piece of paper. I agree with batgirl, in that those sentences tell us nothing.

You should consider adding some details to that first sentence, like why was the corpse there? What were the character's reactions to it? Personally, I'd need something more than scurrying noises to frighten me. Maybe you could be more graphic about what happened to the corpse so we would all know the main character would have a real reason to want to run away.

My-Immortal

11-24-2005, 06:30 AM

Now if the third sentence contained a twist - such as the MC sitting down next to the corpse and waits to be eaten...well, then perhaps I'd keep reading (that is to say that the MC 'wanted' to become undead for some reason...perhaps the corpse was his girlfriend and he wanted to live "undeadly ever after" with her)

But I'm going off on a bit of a tangent here... :)

Good luck with your writing endeavors.

SpookyWriter

11-24-2005, 07:41 AM

Hi everyone,

I want to thank you again for the comments, but was hoping you would follow the link to the whole prologue and let me know how it works. I don't think a single sentence gives a complete idea of the scene or how it is presented.

Honestly, I wouldn't mind some "tear it up" critiques because it will help me write better. I will be a regular and critique other writers with an unbiased and constructive manner (as I have on WN and my previous group on Usenet). I look forward to working with everyone to learn and help become better at this form of communication.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Jon

maestrowork

11-24-2005, 08:50 AM

Welcome, SpookyWriter. Yes, SYW is open and it's a really nice place to learn and get feedback.

I don't think people are brutal here -- just honest, especially since the question was: "What's wrong with ..." Now, if the question is: "What's good about this?" you might get different answers. :)

Keep writing. We're here to help.

SpookyWriter

11-24-2005, 09:20 AM

Hi maestrowork,

I look forward to spending more of my time in SYW and review others. I trust my critiques will be useful and helpful to other writers. I tend to follow a simple guideline I learned in college, and that is offer constructive criticism that is unbiased and helps the writer understand various writing techniques.

Thanks for the welcome!

Jon

Elijah Phoenix

11-24-2005, 11:11 AM

I'd a wrote it thusly.

Unlike the rotten corpse laying against the wall, Fatty wasn't about to hang around to get his fat self munched on. He figured he could stand there and be lunch, get ready to fight, or run like hell. He ran like hell. He couldn't see em, but he knew that whatever was chewing on the corpse was still hanging around. He could feel em. Just thinking about it made the hair stand up on the back of his neck. His feet were barely touching the ground as he blew out of there.
When he got to the street, he saw a cop and screamed for help. He ran up to the cop and started to tell him what he found. The cop turned around and Fatty dam near fainted when the cop smiled with that blood all over his face and the fangs showing. Now he couldn't run, his choices were fight or be lunch.
The cop lunged at Fatty and bit him in the face. Fatty instinctively reached down and grabbed the cop by the balls and squeezed. Even monsters have balls. The cop let go of Fatty's face and let out a scream. Fatty musta lost his mind, because he lunged at the monster cop and bit him in the face. The monster cop reached down and grabbed Fatty by the balls. Fatty released his bite on the monster cops face and let out a scream.
They just kept doing that; biting each other in the face and grabbing each other by the balls. Finally, another cop pulled up in the squad car and asked what the hell is going on here. The monster cop said " Hell, I don't know, i was on my way to the FOP Holloween party when this nut ran up to me and started acting crazy. I bit him with my fake fangs to keep him off me and he grabbed me by the balls.

Andrew

11-24-2005, 01:48 PM

:) "Unlike the decaying corpse propped against the wall, he was unwilling to wait and be consumed by the unseen creatures scurrying in the alley. His choices: wait, be eaten, or run."

So much goes to our individual styles... very judgemental area and speculative. Any way, I would probably write it something like this:

Near him a decaying corpse still filled his nose and throat with the sharp, sweet, sickening odor of the few pieces of rotting flesh left by eaters. He couldn't see them but he could hear them close; somewhere in the dark, they were coming nearer, nearer... He knew he had to choose--to stay and be eaten or to run and take his chances.

So--that's a suggestion. I don't know whether its a big deal or any deal, but I've never used a full colon in my efforts except at work where I have to. Interesting start.

zornhau

11-24-2005, 03:23 PM

Unlike the decaying corpse propped against the wall, he was unwilling to wait and be consumed by the unseen creatures scurrying in the alley. His choices: wait, be eaten, or run.

"His choices: wait, be eaten, or run." Except where the choices are non obvious, you should show them rather than tell them. (IMHO) Also, this isn't a real choice.

However, what's really missing is action. Using good old Swain's motivation-reaction units:
A decaying corpse sat propped against the wall. Creatures scurried somewhere in the darkened alley. Olaf wrinkled his nose, then turned and ran. The dead man might be willing to wait for the monsters to emerge, but being eaten by aliens wasn't on Olaf's to-do list.
The reaction unit - as do actual real world human reactions - always goes from internal to external, and instinctive to intellectual, usually [Visceral reaction][Meaningful physical response][Speech or sub vocalised thought], e.g.
Eric flinched. His hand dropped to his sword. With a snick! 4ft of steel emerged. "Do not think to scare me," he stammered.

Bufty

11-24-2005, 05:16 PM

SpookyWriter, I think the problem here is a common one. Unlike the reader, you read and interpret this opening sentence with prior images in your mind and a knowledge of the framework within which it is written. Without that prior knowledge and framework it must lose impact.

SpookyWriter

11-24-2005, 05:50 PM

Hi Buffy,

I appreciate the feeback, and am looking at this sentence as the opening scene for a nightmare in my prologue (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?p=400576#post400576). I posted the complete prologue for review and I had some good suggestions. I want to leave the prologue, but tighten it up, because it is used to introduce chapter 1 and is also used again later in the manuscript.

Hopefully, I can get a few people to go over and critique the prologue for me. I have the manuscript in front of several agents and am worried that this might be a deal buster for me. I could always email them and mention that I've made a few changes to the prologue. Who knows how they will receive it?

Thanks again everyone and have a great holiday!

Jon

egem

11-24-2005, 07:29 PM

Unlike the half-eaten corpse propped against the wall, he wasn’t planning to wait around and become a meal for the unseen creatures scurrying in the alley. His choices: wait and be eaten, or run.

Jon

I want to say upfront that I do not think this a "bad" sentence or wrong. Your question seems to be pointing to why isn't this sentence doing what you want as an opening. So I'm not attacking here, but I would like to make some suggestions that would make the sentence stronger or do more of what you want it to do.

I think your intro clause is taking the action away from your character (passive voice as others have said). It's not truely a passive sentence, but it is distracting from the action.

You have 2 nouns doing the action and the first is not the subject of the sentence. It sounds like: He wasn't planning to wait around, like the half-eaten corpse propped against the wall and become a meal for the creatures scurrying in the alley.

It does make it sound like the corpse is waiting there. I think what you are trying to say is that he wasn't going to wait around like the other guy did when he was alive and get is a** eaten after he is dead. I would be more concerned about being killed first and then eaten.

I think the problem comes in when the corpse seems to be doing more than your character. Also, name him. The "he" in your example made me feel like it was acting as a reflexive.

I have two suggestions. First split this up and show the corpse to give the reader a picture of what it looks like. Second give the character/subject a stronger verb. He's planning something while the corpes is leaning against the wall smoking a cigar. I'm thinking as I run by I think something about this dead guy. Is he saying he's not going to wait around while he is waiting around for a reason?

Chilli beginning though. It's dark and menacing, and I want to be running like hell with the character. :)

SpookyWriter

11-24-2005, 07:38 PM

Thanks egem! I am considering several options on the opening sentence. I've been told and should have known that the panaroma view I started with isn't working. I need to reconsider how the protagonist enters the scene. But it's a nightmare, and I'm not sure we have names in bad dreams? I also really need to tighten up the prologue some more. I suggested members read the whole prologue to get an idea of where I'm going with it.

I liked your suggestions and am in the process of reviewing my work again. I guess you can't polish enough! But darn it, I have partials out with three agents and now worried they'll reject my work. I did send a polite message to one agent and mentioned I was doing some minor changes on the prologue.

Thanks again,

Jon

egem

11-24-2005, 10:17 PM

We are always rewriting and editing and all that jazz. If they reject it try try again. Don't fret over it. Just make the work do what you want it to do to the readers. I take your suggestion and read your work, after I sleep off this turkey. I liked the opening, and in a dream we may not have names, but we do have identities. Just make it clear and powerful.

As for the agents the only thing you can do it make the work as good as it can be. Keep trying and sooner or later...

three seven

11-24-2005, 10:28 PM

Man, I wish people would just choose one forum and stick to it...

Presumably the waiting and the being eaten are not mutually exclusive, so I wouldn't feel the need to include them both as options. Also, if there's a rotting corpse nearby it doesn't sound like the unseen creatures are that hungry, so perhaps assuming that he's about to be eaten is a little premature anyway.

I'd probably have said:

Unlike the corpse seeping into the floor, he wasn't inclined to stick around for dinner. The clattering claws of a thousand unseen terrors echoed through the alley, snapping him from his morbid trance. Two choices: run, or die.

Steve 211

11-26-2005, 02:41 AM

Unlike the decaying turkey stuffed in the fridge, he was unwilling to wait and be consumed by the unseen relatives scurrying in the kitchen. His choices: bourbon, tequila, or run.

Okay, but really, all the above is right on. Here's how I might try it...

The corpse stared at Chan with one eye. From the looks of his legs, the creatures had ripped into him and dragged him down.
No shelter here, either. But across the city, where the power grid hung on, Chan would be safe.
He had no choice. With night coming on, he had to run.

Steve 211

11-26-2005, 02:45 AM

Here's how Brian Daley began A Tapestry of Magics:

The dead man lay face down in a patch of plants that looked like masses of translucent bulbs, one of the lizard riders' two-pronged steel darts standing out from his back. Like all the others in his army, he wore a uniform bearing the strange insignia: (swastika).

An alien landscape, lizard riders, and a Nazi soldier. Pretty cool to me.

scribbler1382

11-26-2005, 03:39 AM

The corpse stared at Chan with one eye. From the looks of his legs, the creatures had ripped into him and dragged him down.
No shelter here, either. But across the city, where the power grid hung on, Chan would be safe.
He had no choice. With night coming on, he had to run.

I really like this take. Only thing I'd change (since unless your corpse is turning into a zombie, it ain't staring at nothin') is to change "stared" to "appeared to stare" or "seemed to stare". But all in all, most people wouldn't even notice that.

three seven

11-26-2005, 04:45 AM

stupidmansuit

11-29-2005, 06:06 AM

I like it when authors use a pronoun before naming, actually. I can't expalin it- I just like the effect it has, over a name right off the bat.

jst5150

11-29-2005, 06:35 AM

Just some random thoughts.

I like the passage, I see what you are trying to accomplish with it as a device, but it needs focus. Tightening. Better language. And some better decision making.

Unlike the decaying corpse ...

That's what a corpse does, right? Unless you've got a Gene Kelly dance number in the wings that would rival Michael Keaton's "Beetlejuice." :-)

... propped against the wall, he was unwilling to wait and be consumed by the unseen creatures scurrying in the alley. His choices: wait, be eaten, or run.

Don't creatures always scurry in the alley? It almost seems cliche. Also, the "unseen" creatures are scurrying. Are they? Or are they scratching? Shuffling? Sliding? Tapping their bony toes? Scartching days-old hardened nails across the tarmac.

And, what were they scurrying from? Him? Noise? Someone rolling the bones for Benjimans? Also, how could "he" tell it was propped? Saying "propped" already connotes something. Plus, the character would have to have know it was propped. It's an assumption of fact, but the reader will go, "Propped?" A ha!" Which begs the other question: if "he" already knows he's going to be eaten by the unseen creatures, then he knows what sort of creatures that be scurrying.

Also, the choices are wait, be eaten or run. Let's run through those. The first two go together (wait and be eaten). Both have the same consequence. You also must account for a human's natural "fight or flight" instinct. So, really, the choices are Run or Fight. As some of my friends might say, "Being eaten isn't a choice; it's more of a lifestyle change."

And, finally, that text is it? That's how we're introduced to the horror? A corpse propped agains the wall. Seems like what's noticed first would be the blood smeared or the entrails leaking out of an abdomen, making those wet squishing sounds as the house flies land and take off from the pink, rotting flesh.

Again, I think I see where your going. You just may want to board a different train to get there. :-)