A Little Help?

Angela · Aug 18, 2011

Hi, Hounds!

First, don't laugh. I'm slogging through edits on my novel and I have a sentence that seems clunky, but I'll be darned if I can find a way to reword it. Maybe I've been staring at it for too long . . . :Headbang:

Even though this novel isn't exactly horror, I love the honesty of the Hounds and I wanted to see what y'all said. Would y'all please go take a look at this sentence before I shoot my computer? Pretty please? :e2flowers

ETA: Ugh. I'm an idiot. It's posted in SYW and here's the link. Sorry!

http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=222434

Alessandra Kelley · Aug 18, 2011

Please post the sentence?

Feidb · Aug 19, 2011

I tried the link and it won't let me log in. Please post the sentence here like Alessandra asks.

Angela · Aug 19, 2011

I see what you mean, Feidb. When I clicked on the link from this computer, it wanted me to log in again. I don't have this problem with my personal computer, but I've got it set to "Remember Me" at the log in section. I didn't realize it would do that. Sorry about that!

Here's the sentence.

Perhaps she was just suffering from a case of sensory overload from her sudden immersion in the paranormal over the past few days.

Thanks for looking!

Angi

Silver King · Aug 19, 2011

Feidb said:
I tried the link and it won't let me log in.

The link works, but you have to enter the SYW password to view the page, which is vista.

ironmikezero · Aug 21, 2011

You're right, it is a bit clunky... How about:

Perhaps she was suffering sensory overload from her recent immersion in the paranormal.

Or make it introspective:

Was she simply suffering sensory overload from this recent immersion in the paranormal?

Consider eliminating "sudden" and "over the past few days" as the concepts are essentially incongruous and only serve to muddle the intended message.

Allen R. Brady · Aug 22, 2011

How about:

Perhaps she was just suffering from paranormal overload.

Calla Lily · Aug 22, 2011

^

I like that.

Feidb · Aug 22, 2011

Perhaps her recent immersion into the paranormal caused a case of sensory overload.

See? Got rid of the passivity and the extra words.

Angela · Aug 22, 2011

Thanks for the suggestions!

A Little Help?

Angela

Named For a Song...

Alessandra Kelley

Sophipygian

Feidb

Been Here A While

Angela

Named For a Song...

Silver King

Megalops Erectus

ironmikezero

practical experience, FTW

Allen R. Brady

Calla Lily

On hiatus

Feidb

Been Here A While

Angela

Named For a Song...