Here is an
article from Grammar Girl on the same issue.
Grammar Girl:
I was shocked to find that my American Heritage Dictionary says...
People who believe the rule are always shocked to find reputable sources (or sources they usually trust) disagree with them.
...and if you have strong feelings about it, you could make an argument about using that when talking about people.
That's not the point. I'm defending the usage, even though I don't have strong feelings about it. Pet peeves like this survive because the rule results in good grammar. Her introductory paragraph is entirely true: "Stick with this rule and you'll be safe."
If you want to be safe, sure, go that way. Train yourself out of "that" for people.
But don't just make assumptions about people who
do use "that" for people. And Fogerty makes them here:
People who use "that" for people do it:
- out of ignorance
or
- to express animosity.
Her friend may very well have been expressing animosity with the phrase "the woman who married my father". But to convince me that the "that" helps express that she would have to demonstrate the trend in his speech/writing. He shouldn't be using it in neutral or positive contexts, otherwise it's not conclusive.
And while grammar girl usually doesn't use "that" for people, I did find this interesting example:
"Any number of things could be happening when you're talking to someone that you don't mention..." (
here)
If this is a slip, why did it happen? Or is "that" okay only with indefinite pronouns?
Even people who are opposed to "that-for-people" sometimes use it. Why? After all Grammar Girl's correct: no native speaker would say "the desk who is made of cherry wood", thus we don't have that discussion.
To summarise:
- It's fine to never use "that" for people.
- It's fine to say that you think using "that" for people dehumanises them.
-- But if you do so, use examples, as things might be more complex (even in
your mind) than you notice. Grammar Girl's own example above indicates that.
- It's not fine to make assumptions about others because of your own rules. Plenty of people do
not have the rule at all (as you can see in the comments section right there).