Your Worst Movie Pitch

C.bronco · Jun 27, 2011

I double-dare you!

Write your worst possible pitch, and include your IMDB synopsis! I'll go First:

Laurel and Hardy Meet the Mummy and James Bond
Madcap zaniness entombs viewers when Laurel and Hardy are enlisted to help James Bond and an Egyptologist.

IMDB Synopsis: Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz must rescue Brendan Frasier from an ancient mummy who has come to life. If that's not enough, they must work with Laurel and Hardy in a partnership to save the Earth! (Laurel and Hardy not yet cast).

Okay, your turn!

C.bronco · Jun 27, 2011

If no one plays, I'll have to enlist my Mom!

C.bronco · Jun 27, 2011

No One Answered My Forum Question
A verclempt writer posts on a writers thread, and no one answers. She has many conversations about it with her cats.

IMDB: Either Kathy Bates or Sandy Duncan (yet to be cast) posts on a website with no reply. Follow her descent into obscurity as she acquires cats, and then holds in depth, heart-wrenching discussions with them. It all seems predictable until Hal (played by Dwayne Johnson) blows up her house with a bazooka in a case of mistaken identity. Hal then comes to terms with his love for cats and writing forums.

Adam · Jun 27, 2011

Help, I'm an anteater!

An anteater, played by Teri Hatcher, is upset after discovering that she is an anteater and seeks therapy. To compound matters, she falls in love with a small dog played by Ryan Reynolds, who can't stand the sight of her. Live action, with heavy prosthetics.

C.bronco · Jun 27, 2011

Thanks Adam, that's awesome! I'd pay $.50 to see it!

Wayne K · Jun 27, 2011

Adam · Jun 27, 2011

I think I'd wait till it hit TV.

C.bronco · Jun 27, 2011

Not the Betty I Knew, a light-hearted comedy:
Follows a Betty White fan who is smitten and stricken with love... UNTIL he sees footage of Bea Arthur at a summer soiree. Gawain (played by Tobey McGuire) struggles with his inner demons to determine which Golden Girl would be his soulmate. Hilarity ensues when Nina (played by Natalie Portman) dances her way into his heart. PG-13 for excessive violence.

Wayne K · Jun 27, 2011

I hope the genre is horror

KENFUSION · Jun 27, 2011

politics 4:20

footage of Barney Franks interviewed by Chris Matthews with no sound .(lots of closeups)
the soundtrack is the henry anslinger speeches drowned out by potty sounds. many "austin powers" style transitions, and psychedelic swirling colors .after each 5 minute scene ...30 seconds of rave footage with double exposure of emo phillips signing the declaration of independance (synched to the sound of Van Halen's Panama.)
or alternating with slow motion close ups of George Bush's lips when he says "evildoers" with a fireworks sound effect.
grand finale' is a dance number in front of an imax screen of time lapse sunflower wilting behind a cigar smoldering in an ashtray .
Zagar and Evans "in the year 2525"
is playing , but being drowned out by thousands screaming "yes we can" .
fade to pink!!

feature will be rated R for psychological nudity (thanks Michael Savage)

BenPanced · Jun 27, 2011

Transforminators: Bark At The Moon

Shia LeBoeuf, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Ozzie Osbourne. It's like Citizen Kane, but better.

C.bronco · Jun 28, 2011

Commission Impossible
Tom Cruise tries to manage a Buick dealership during difficult economic times while Julia Roberts pretends to be blue-collar and smiles.

Hillgate · Jun 28, 2011

Total Rip-off
You've got twenty minutes to live. Think about it.

IMDB: A group of everyday but ultimately heroic geriatrics are pursued by a runaway nuclear warhead attached to a flying bus propelled by aliens. Stars all the usual suspects.

Trivia: courtesy of the magic that is CGI, this is the only movie ever made to feature four generations of the same Hollywood dynasty, each playing six roles

KENFUSION · Jul 21, 2011

docementary:
:time lapse photography of deconstructionist paintings sinking in strawberry mousse; shot through a blue martini.lounge jazz plays in the background beneath the narration of Liam Neeson reading the Federalist Papers...
18 hour mini series.
maximum commercial interuptions at 5X volume...
all GEICO commercials...
the ones with the caveman.

Hillgate · Jul 22, 2011

I think this is a real pitch and I'm pretty sure the film got released

Imagine the first and last 30 minutes of '2001: A space Odyssey' intercut with scenes of ordinary family life in the 50s and 60s and a flash-forward to the present day starring actors who although really famous don't get to say very much and spend most of the time on camera showing off the back of their heads.

PrincessofPersia · Jul 22, 2011

Hillgate said:
I think this is a real pitch and I'm pretty sure the film got released

Imagine the first and last 30 minutes of '2001: A space Odyssey' intercut with scenes of ordinary family life in the 50s and 60s and a flash-forward to the present day starring actors who although really famous don't get to say very much and spend most of the time on camera showing off the back of their heads.

If that film is currently in theatres, then I know what you're referring to. Haven't seen it yet though.

Hillgate · Jul 22, 2011

PrincessofPersia said:
If that film is currently in theatres, then I know what you're referring to. Haven't seen it yet though.

Yup - you definitely do!

I actually loved it, despite my churlish words.

Anacry · Aug 1, 2011

The Dark Place of Darkness

Tom is trapped inside of a room shrouded in complete darkness. He spends his time listening to the same Polka song over and over again, and then he dies. An 8-episode mini series.

JohnLine · Aug 2, 2011

Lunch 3D

A 3D movie filmed from the first person perspective of a morbidly obese man having lunch with his estranged, bulimic step-sister.

Imbroglio · Aug 2, 2011

Adam said:
Help, I'm an anteater!

An anteater, played by Teri Hatcher, is upset after discovering that she is an anteater and seeks therapy. To compound matters, she falls in love with a small dog played by Ryan Reynolds, who can't stand the sight of her. Live action, with heavy prosthetics.

Oh dear God, that is one of the funniest things I've read in a while. :roll:

KENFUSION · Oct 5, 2011

the history of kindergarden paste abuse narrated by Peter Coyote, and Marianne Faithful .Sonic Youth provides the soundtrack, and it is Filmed in SQUIGGLEVISION like the early Simpson episodes that aired on the Tracy Ullman show .not to be released in theatres. only available as an I-phone , and Android app. approx running time 87 minutes.

Hillgate · Oct 6, 2011

A silent remake of Hamlet using only mime artists: it's what Hollywood's been waiting for.

victoriafoyt · Oct 14, 2011

C.bronco said:
Not the Betty I Knew, a light-hearted comedy:
Follows a Betty White fan who is smitten and stricken with love... UNTIL he sees footage of Bea Arthur at a summer soiree. Gawain (played by Tobey McGuire) struggles with his inner demons to determine which Golden Girl would be his soulmate. Hilarity ensues when Nina (played by Natalie Portman) dances her way into his heart. PG-13 for excessive violence.

LOL @ PG-13 for excessive violence!

M. Scott · Oct 15, 2011

In a reversal of American Psycho, a poor black lady roams New York killing wealthy businessmen. Due to the protest on Wall Street and hatred of corporate bigwigs, her crimes go unnoticed.

IMDB: In this harrowing, yet heartwarming drama, an African American woman (played by Adam Sandler) confronts her worst nightmare - rich white guys. When a wealthy store owner (Jeff Goldblum) doesn't show up for his daily golf game, his friends (the fat guy from Cheers, Charlie Sheen and Christian Slater) suspect foul play.

Our heroine must slay the bastards before they catch her and steal what little she has in her retirement account...then kill her to carve her bones into chess pieces for their $80,000 table. ***SPOILER ALERT*** She prevails and wins the lottery. Upon taking a bath, she realizes she isn't a black woman at all, but an overweight white guy with man boobs. She has become exactly what she hates - a white man who is wealthy for no reason, so (s)he kills herself by swallowing massive amounts of money. It's meant to be a social statement, but nobody gets it.

The next morning, she wake up and realizes she's really a Hollywood actress and it was all an opium dream.

The deleted M. Night twist: that revelation is a dream as well, and she is really Tyler Perry.

Groundhog's Day 2: "WTF did I just see and why am I having an aneurysm?" edition hits every preschool projector in the nation this upcoming December.

M. Scott · Oct 15, 2011

Here's the real question: Is it racist?

Your Worst Movie Pitch

I have plans...

I have plans...

I have plans...

Not dead.

I have plans...

Not dead.

I have plans...

ABSURDIST ALERT BEWARE !!!

THE BLUEBERRY QUEEN OF HADES (he/him)

I have plans...

On location

ABSURDIST ALERT BEWARE !!!

On location

On location

Owns a pen.

PERPETUAL EXISTENTIAL CRISIS VICTIM

ABSURDIST ALERT BEWARE !!!

On location

2024 will be my year!

2024 will be my year!