YA Dialogue, make it real.

I think "freak" is a typical mean-girl-to-weird-girl kind of comment. "Hey, here comes the little freak" would sound more realistic to me than the examples you have.

Well the first thing you need to figure out what it is that is going to get under your MC's skin. Is she fat? Does she wear glasses? Braces? Any form of jewelry or tattooing that is meaningful? Does she have freckles? Is she unusually tall or short? Does she have larger breasts / smaller breasts then the school's average? Does she have a disability or phobia? Is she a genius or dyslexic?

Next you need to think of the *kind* of snarky comment that your popular girl would use. Is it a generalized statement that anyone at the school would be able to pick up? Does popular know something about the MC that the MC does not want others to know? (Whether popular knows she knows it or not?) Is the insult meant for public wide consumption. "Hey, Sara. Can we use your face to play connect 4?" for someone who has freckles or acne; or is it more of a quiet dig that is of a more personal nature. "You know he only went out with you because he lost a bet."

Once you have your gasoline and your method to ignite it, then you need to find the right zinger to match it all up. (I would suggest avoiding the above; they aren't that great, lol!) This is the tough part and is definitely not my forte.

Good luck.

I second what everyone said. You really have to find what would make your character enraged enough to physically lash out. Usually a character that's being picked on like this (and I am assuming she gets teased a lot) would kind of just take it and sulk away. Since you have mentioned that the mc is a orphan, I would suggest a stab at the family. That is grounds for anyone, especially someone who is continually picked on, to physically snap. Something like:

"Here comes Emma. I'm surprised her parents didn't just kill themselves."

Not the best, but I'm sure you can see the direction I'm going for.

Good luck!

I think a big part of it is escalating elements too. You can get away with a comment that wouldn't usually elicit a big reaction if your MC's day/week/morning has been really terrible.

Maybe she didn't get time for breakfast which reminded her of when her mom would cook breakfast, then her brother was being brat because mom wasn't there to tell him to stay out of her room, etc.

That way while the comment might not be that horrible, it would be the straw that broke the camel's back.

I was bullied but never lashed out. What might help you is to set up a little backstory... have this bitchy girl call her something like loser, or dork, or whore, whatever your looking for here, every single day. Add in that its the word that plauges her. That would lead to the reason someone lashes out... hearing it so much and snapping. I dont think realistically there is any single word you can say to someone to make them lash out and lose control like that off the bat. Just my opinion though.

For my books i had a male MC who was haunted for years by the simple word loser, until finally he snapped and beat the living shit out of his bully.

As an aside, take a look at some of Susane Colasanti's novels. She's praised for realistic, teen dialogue (although some disagree) but always worth a look to see how she makes dialogue "real."

I was very much an underdog in high school, but I never lashed out at anyone. I went the complete opposite route and held everything in. But I was an extremely shy person at the time, so. Take that into account.

"Oh, look. Scuzzy Emma."

In high school, I was called bitch, ugly, freak, weirdo, goth, emo, demented, deceitful bitch, dirty Jap (this set me off. And a boy was the one who was behind it), and Nazi (along with other things). I could only take so much before setting off. However, I never said anything in front of a teacher because I didn't want to get in trouble, so I never told them to shut up or leave me alone. Have the "bitchy girl" rag on her. Have her point out something on the MC the MC might be self-conscious of. Such as acne, bloodstain on her shirt/pants, scar, teeth, etc. Think about what the girl would do to get under the MC's skin.

Freak is an all purpose insult. Slut and skank are also realistic insults, but that depends on your MC.

Orphan would probably just elicit a blank stare, because, well, that's true. Going after her parents might be good, if that's what would get a rise out of her. The comment above about suicide would definitely be a below-the-belt remark that a mean girl might say.

People bully because it's fun. They are going for a reaction that they find funny. You might find this article an interesting and realistic perspective. So you need to figure out what's going to get a reaction out of your MC, and what reaction the mean girl is expecting. It depends on your MC's history with this girl, and her place in the general social structure of high school.

In my personal experience, as a life-long nerd, you couldn't have paid me to react. I knew my place. A reaction just would have made everything worse with the mean girls, and gotten me in trouble to boot. If I just put my head down and walked past (blushing beet red and with tears in my eyes... there's my reaction) then at least I could claim moral superiority and go home and write a short story where a character with strangely coincidental similarities to the mean girl met her comeuppance.

In order to have the MC lash out, I think you would need to explain the burst of self esteem that would make her violent. If she was a former friend of the mean girl, only recently drummed out of the popular crowd, then I think you can make it work. If she's just had something happen (a crush telling her that he likes her? Some really good news?) that really has her running on all engines, I think it would work. If she has a history of violence, that could work too. But I think it's also not in the usual nature of girl bullying relationships for a long-time underdog to have a breaking point without some sort of external influence.

Girl bullying is usually emotional and verbal, and physical bullying is usually things that leave no mark and are hard to prove (for example, knocking into another girl so she drops what she's carrying and then saying "oops" with innocent eyes and walking on) and losing your emotions to the point that you're hitting means that you've lost, and girls know that.

I'm reading a book about girl bullying now, and it's very interesting.

honestly, imo, it would have to be something that really hit her straight in the heart. The mean girl would have to know something about the MC that either no one else knows about and she's just made public knowledge or something that everyone knows about, but has been treading very carefully on thin ice not to say or mention around the MC. And it would have to be something pretty awful, imo to illicit a violent reaction. That's what would make it realistic to me. I mean this isn't a teen to teen example, but like in Harry Potter when Vernon's sister makes the comment in which she refers to Harry's mother as a female dog and proceeds to call her a bitch and it causes Harry to snap because he's super sensitive about the deaths of his parents.

Basically, I don't think it's a question of realistic dialogue, but having a realistic situation that would warrant such a reaction.

GL

Except for freak, you really have to tailor your insults. I don't know why cryaegm was called a Nazi for example, but I'd imagine it was probably to do with wearing big black boots or something like that... otherwise it's a bit random and just elicits a "huh?" factor from everyone. The insult has to cut the particular victim in a particular way that the aggressor hopes that they're self-concious about.

Honestly, I think the altercation is going to have more to do with the mood of the MC than anything in particular that the mean girl says. Girls just aren't conditioned to violently lash out. Not saying it never happens, and that there aren't violent girls out there, but a lot of social conditioning goes into making a teenager, and research shows that girls are actively and culturally taught not to be physically aggressive, no matter what. Unless you've already established that she has a violent temper, you're going to have to concentrate on why she suddenly throws a punch. My guess is that she has an adrenaline-filled "on top of the world" feeling at that particular moment, or that she's already incredibly angry at something. Both feelings would have to be sparked by something else unrelated to the mean girl, and then mean girl just enters the situation at the wrong time. I think you're going to have a really hard time convincing the reader that a girl hits a popular girl at school just because of a brief verbal exchange.

lachel said:

Except for freak, you really have to tailor your insults. I don't know why cryaegm was called a Nazi for example, but I'd imagine it was probably to do with wearing big black boots or something like that... otherwise it's a bit random and just elicits a "huh?" factor from everyone. The insult has to cut the particular victim in a particular way that the aggressor hopes that they're self-concious about.

Honestly, I think the altercation is going to have more to do with the mood of the MC than anything in particular that the mean girl says. Girls just aren't conditioned to violently lash out. Not saying it never happens, and that there aren't violent girls out there, but a lot of social conditioning goes into making a teenager, and research shows that girls are actively and culturally taught not to be physically aggressive, no matter what. Unless you've already established that she has a violent temper, you're going to have to concentrate on why she suddenly throws a punch. My guess is that she has an adrenaline-filled "on top of the world" feeling at that particular moment, or that she's already incredibly angry at something. Both feelings would have to be sparked by something else unrelated to the mean girl, and then mean girl just enters the situation at the wrong time. I think you're going to have a really hard time convincing the reader that a girl hits a popular girl at school just because of a brief verbal exchange.

Click to expand...

Actually, I was called a Nazi because I'm part German.

cryaegm said:

Actually, I was called a Nazi because I'm part German.

Click to expand...

Kids are so stupid, aren't they? But still, it wasn't entirely random: they were obviously looking for something that would hit you where it hurt.

lachel said:

Kids are so stupid, aren't they? But still, it wasn't entirely random: they were obviously looking for something that would hit you where it hurt.

Click to expand...

And that's exactly what they do: they look for that weak spot. Which is rather interesting since we had a German exchange student and some of them would talk about him behind his back and call him a Nazi.

One boy, like I said, called me a dirty Jap in 7th grade for being part Japanese (German, Irish, and Japanese). Only thing they never made fun of me for is being Irish. They also called me anorexic for being really skinny (metabolism = really fast). So yeah, if you want the mean girl to be mean, go after what the MC is self-conscious of, whether it's weight, acne, ethnicity, color, teeth, eyes, nose, anything that might sting and effect her. Kids can be mean. Though, surprisingly, one guy who did make fun of me and had screaming wars with during junior and senior year gave me a hug after graduation.

I think one issue here is trying to start a fight in a single sentence. Bullies usually pick at their victims for days/weeks/months trying to find their weak spots. They'll often open with something mild and build up to trying out their new insults. Then they hit the line that makes the victim snap.

Did you see the most recent Star Trek film? That's a good example of what I mean. It's an insult about Spock's mother that makes him snap, but it represents more than that, because his treatment in society as a whole is due to his mother's identity. The insults that hurt the most have more behind them.

There are people who can make you want to punch them just by saying hello. It's all in the tone, the expression, the body language and the ten-year history of bitter feuding.

Parametric said:

There are people who can make you want to punch them just by saying hello. It's all in the tone, the expression, the body language and the ten-year history of bitter feuding.

Click to expand...

Couldn't agree more. Btw, similar situation in my current story.