Memoir Platform - getting the message clear

[khobar]

I completed my memoir and have been working on building my platform. I'm on Facebook, Twitter, have a blog, website, etc. but having the tools and using them effectively aren't the same and I'm wondering if there's more I can do to reach the broadest possible audience.

For example, I have a Facebook fan page where I post book-related updates (whether about the book itself or about me), plus my blog entries are reposted here. I have 34 "Likes" which doesn't seem like a lot. I get very few comments on Facebook itself, and zero blog comments. Clearly I'm not really reaching many people.

For a long time while working on my blog my wife would ask, "What's it about?" She knew what it was about but was trying to get me to pin it down so I would know. And for a long time I'd rattle off that it's about this and about that and this happens and that happens. Eventually I settled on something along the lines of, "It's about my parents' desperate attempt to save my brother from himself, how I dealt with getting caught in the current, and how I came to realize I had to let go of the past in order to move on with my life." I dunno, to me it sounds pretty grim, and there is a lot of grim reality in the story, but it's also balanced with humor, adventure, and excitement.

Basically, I was born in Libya to British parents of Irish descent. We left Libya in the wake of the Six Day War and came to America where I took to growing up American no different from any other American. Yet in 1970, my brother (9 years old at the time) was sent to boarding school in Dungannon, Northern Ireland. He didn't stay long because violence began erupting there.

Anyway, we eventually ended up in Anchorage, Alaska, in 1973 and had many adventures there. I focus on how close my brother and I are even as he grows into an out of control rebellious teenager. He gets into dope, alcohol, partying, girls, etc. which culminates in 1976 with him getting busted for stealing a case of beer - the last straw. After a family fight my parents say to him they love him and will do anything for him. What can they do to help?

My brother replied "Send me back to Irish boarding school. That's the only way to save me." So they do, and they send me along, too. They don't want to see me turn out the same way as him.

Unfortunately, in less than a year my brother is expelled from the boarding school - got drunk and embarrassed the headmaster in front of a group of parents. The following year he went to another boarding school outside Dublin while I went to a school in Enniskillen, Northern Ireland. My welcome was, "Just what we @#$%ing need, another @#$%ing yank."

Eventually my brother was expelled from Irish boarding school altogether (drugs, alcohol, truancy) and ended up at the American School in Majorca while I was left to my own devices in Northern Ireland experiencing The Troubles first hand.

By this time my parents had moved from Alaska to Saudi Arabia where I went during the major holidays. That offered it's own adventures, to be sure! And while school in Northern Ireland was otherwise grim, it wasn't a complete grind. I had a couple of pretty good friends and we bucked the system as best we could and had some laughs. In 1981 I moved to a school in England and my welcome there was along the lines of, "Hello mate. I'm Elliot. Like to go down to the pub for a pint? Here, have a cigarette." Absolutely brilliant welcome.

My brother and how he affected me is the story. His behavior got him into so much trouble - then in 1979 after he quit school and was working oil rigs in LA I got a call from my mom saying "there's been an accident." Turned out my brother had been arrested for something and three hours later was in intensive care. The police said he tried to hang himself with his shoe laces. He suffered a brain injury that the doctors said would likely heal if he let it. Well, my brother knew better and continued on the same path as before which is likely why his situation is so grim now.

My memoir is centered on the years I was away, 1976-1983 with a bit of family history near the beginning to set the stage. The whole thing is wrapped in present day bookends reflecting mine and my brothers very different paths, mine being, in part, due to my realization that I had to let go of the past to move on. Hence my line, "Open your eyes before old age robs you of your sight."

Obviously if I were to be asked what my book's about I can't repeat the above - not easily at least. As I said I want people to know this isn't a boarding school story, nor just a substance abuse story, nor just a travelogue. It isn't just a grind nor a comedy either. It's all of these things.

Please have a look at my site (in my sig) and, with the above info in mind (or not if that would be better), let me know how it comes across. Thank you.

[PinkAmy]

Do people comment on your name all the time? I guess you use your middle initial so you're not confused with another famous Richard Nixon, LOL. It's hard to get a platform for a memoir, unlike other types of nonfiction because you're selling your life story. I was told that having a blog or website is meaning less unless it gets in the tens of thousands of hits, because website traffic doesn't necessarily translate to sales. If you concentrate on making sure your manuscript is well written and error free, and that your proposal covers all the bases with a strong marketing section, that should be good enough. In my opinion, you'd be better off not mentioning the FB and blog with so few hits because it might seem amateurish since the proposal is used to show how you're book will sell and 34 likes doesn't translate to tons of sales.
Let's see what others have to say.
Your memoir sounds interesting.

[khobar]

Do people comment on your name all the time? I guess you use your middle initial so you're not confused with another famous Richard Nixon, LOL. It's hard to get a platform for a memoir, unlike other types of nonfiction because you're selling your life story. I was told that having a blog or website is meaning less unless it gets in the tens of thousands of hits, because website traffic doesn't necessarily translate to sales. If you concentrate on making sure your manuscript is well written and error free, and that your proposal covers all the bases with a strong marketing section, that should be good enough. In my opinion, you'd be better off not mentioning the FB and blog with so few hits because it might seem amateurish since the proposal is used to show how you're book will sell and 34 likes doesn't translate to tons of sales.
Let's see what others have to say.
Your memoir sounds interesting.

34 Likes not going to cut it, eh? LOL.

Many thanks for the response and kind words.

Yes, I use Richard Nixon when I can - it's my little attention getter. I had to use my middle initial because all the websites without it were taken. ;)

The strong marketing section is the big concern. I began building my platform following a personal response from an agent advising me that my story was good but since I was a newcomer a platform would be good. I think this was dead-on advice.

Not long ago I attended a writers workshop where we were asked, "Who has already published a book?" and most of the hands went up. "Now who will have their first book published this year?" and almost all the rest of the hands went up. I felt intimidated until I realized we were all in the same boat there for the same reason - to learn how to build and grow our platforms. I'd just read a story of a lady who got a two book deal and then lost it at her first book signing because sales were not there.

My goal is to build a following of fans interested in my story. If I can't connect with a larger number than 34 now, I'm doing something wrong. I need to fix that before the book goes on sale, but before I fix anything I need to figure out what's broken.

I had been wanting to ask "How does one connect with people" - I mean well beyond the list of what to do. Now, however, I think instead I should be asking why am I not connecting? That might be a better question.

The first thing I think I need is to get the description right. Maybe I've accomplished that, and maybe I haven't. Is my message clear and inviting, or does it make you want to run away fast? If the latter, why?

The second thing I think I need is to make sure I'm not overselling the book. I've recently changed the website to emphasize me rather than my memoir, but do I need to do more? What would people be looking for to encourage them to want to get my book (not specifically, of course, unless there are specifics one could offer)?

P.S. I should have added that "platform" to me means people who know me and are waiting to get my book.

[FocusOnEnergy]

I read through your post and took a look at your blog. I still don't know what the book's about, as in "why should I read it?" and "what would I get out of of it."

My question would be to ask you to explain it to me in a few sentences. Otherwise known as your "elevator pitch". You've only got a minute to catch my attention with the premise of your book, at that, otherwise when I get off the elevator, you'll have lost me.

Once you can distill it down to the most basic essence, then you can build up from there. Something that might help is the Harvard Business School pitch builder. http://www.alumni.hbs.edu/careers/pitch/

I'll give you an example of how important this is. Back during the dotcom goldrush, I was at a networking event thrown by an incubator. One of the principals of a new dotcom being incubated talked at me in buzzwords for 15 minutes after I asked him what the company did. Normally, nobody is going to sit through something like that, but I found it fascinating because I'd never heard anyone say so little in so many dotcom era buzzwords. Basically, people dropped off their items at pack and ship companies partnering with this dotcom to be auctioned on ebay and got a check in return. They didn't have to do anything else. After he'd finished I looked at him and said, "Oh, so it's ebay for dummies."

And there was much celebrating. Hugs, handshakes, and the CEO toasted me in French champagne because they hadn't been able to come up with an elevator pitch, just a lot of meaningless buzzwords, and I'd distilled it down into three words, which were two familar concepts to people, making it entirely easy for them to explain what their dotcom did.

How can you explain your memoir in one minute using familiar concepts, metaphors, etc?

Focus

[khobar]

Hi Focus,

Thank you very much. I'm on the Harvard pitch page now - very interesting.

My "short" pitch - "It's about my parents' desperate attempt to save my brother from himself, how I dealt with getting caught in the current, and how I came to realize I had to let go of the past in order to move on with my life."

The "long" pitch from my website - "In 1976 police arrested my fifteen year old brother for stealing a case of beer. It was the last straw. I was eleven years old.

My brother said Irish boarding school would fix everything. My parents agreed and thought it would be good for me, too. They were wrong.

Over the Hills and Far Away is the story of my seven years away; the good, the bad, the funny and the tragic, from Alaska to Ireland to England to Saudi Arabia - always in the shadow of my brother's ongoing problems.

In 1983 I finally returned to the States but as a foreigner in a foreign land, and for years I thought it was because of boarding school.

I was wrong, too, about a great many things. It's taken me over thirty years to realize that.

Open your eyes before old age robs you of your sight."

That comes to about 37 seconds per the Harvard pitch analysis.

If I'm not answering "why should I read it" and "what will I get out of it" then I'm missing the mark and that's what I need to know. From the analysis it appears I have some room for additional detail, and that's good because even the "long" version appears to set up a mostly grim boo hoo grind which is what I'm wanting to avoid.

[PinkAmy]

My goal is to build a following of fans interested in my story. If I can't connect with a larger number than 34 now, I'm doing something wrong. I need to fix that before the book goes on sale, but before I fix anything I need to figure out what's broken.


Be sure you're not setting yourself up for unrealistic expectations. There are a gazillion blogs on the internet and everyone wants to draw in readers. For me, I'm more likely to go to a blog after I've read a great book. I rarely follow blogs because there are just too damn many on too many different topics. I don't think you're necessarily doing something wrong.

If you were writing about having cancer--you might get other people from forums and friends and relatives following your story. You might be able to get on search engines if you had your own domain. That's the only way I can see you drawing in a lot of people---unless you were Richard M. Nixon coming back from the dead.

Your memoir doesn't fall neatly into a category, so it may be even more marketable, but maybe not until you've published,

I'm not trying to be negative, just realistic.

[khobar]

PinkAmy - good points.

I do have my own domain - www.richardpnixon.com. I'm not necessarily trying to draw people to my blog per se, because my blog is comprised largely of my notes along the way to getting published. I've been hearing that the blog has to he hip and useful and I have to be the goto person for my tribe. Well, not sure I agree. Maybe that's the way things should be - I'm not sure I'm convinced.

I get about half the hits to my website via search engines from people all over the world who stay long enough to go through the entire site - that's the good news. Then they go away without showing further interest in my book or me - not good.

You are not being negative - or if you are I'm feeling it's constructive. I'm glad you said my memoir doesn't fit neatly into a particular category - I've known that for some time which is probably why I'm having trouble distilling it down to what I need to get people interested.

My thinking has been in overdrive since reading the comments, and I think I've identified a major issue. I've said I want to make sure people understand my memoir isn't all doom and gloom, that it's balanced with laughter and humor, yet I don't really give any indication in my pitch other than "the good". WTH is that supposed to mean? Hmm...

I am currently reworking my pitch. That may not be all I need to do but it's a good start (when I get excited about having to do work I know it's gotta be worthwhile work).

[PinkAmy]

My thinking has been in overdrive since reading the comments, and I think I've identified a major issue. I've said I want to make sure people understand my memoir isn't all doom and gloom, that it's balanced with laughter and humor, yet I don't really give any indication in my pitch other than "the good". WTH is that supposed to mean? Hmm...


I have the same problem. I made sure to insert voice and humor into my query letter and in my synopsis. The beginning of my memoir is darker, but I have some comical observations to try to lighten the mood. The 2nd half of my memoir has a lot more humor.

I think people will be interested in your story because 1) you're a guy and most memoirs seem to be from women 2) you're an age filled with lots of readers and e-readers 3)people like to read exotic locations 4) people seem to be very interested in boarding school and what that's like
You're going to draw people from different walks of life. You might not draw a large portion of any population, but you'll have so many diverse readers you'll draw interest and sales.

[conspicuouschick]

My "short" pitch - "It's about my parents' desperate attempt to save my brother from himself, how I dealt with getting caught in the current, and how I came to realize I had to let go of the past in order to move on with my life."

Honestly, that tells me nothing. It is so nonconcrete that I could play Mad Libs with it (which might be quite fun) and come up with a hundred different plots.

I encourage you to find the "how to write a query" thread which has a great section on hooks. It might help you compose an intriguing and accurate pitch.

[khobar]

conspicuouschick - thank you for your frankness. I'm now reading this thread: http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=59255&highlight=write+query

Looks good!

[khobar]

This is what I've come up with:
---------------------
In 1976 my fifteen year old brother Roger was the coolest person in the world to me. His partying with girls and getting high seemed like a lot of fun to me. Then he got arrested for stealing a case of beer. I was eleven.

My parents agreed Irish boarding school – something they’d tried before with him, would solve everything, and they thought it would be good for me, too.

Ireland didn’t fix anything. Roger picked up where he left off and was expelled leaving me vulnerable and alone. Northern Ireland greeted me with, “Just what we need – another fucking Yank.” After a bomb killed a friend came the call, “Roger’s been in an accident.”

It took every ounce of what my brother had taught me and my own sense of rebellion to find my way through, and with the help of a couple of good friends, I even had some laughs along the way. And on holidays I flew home, now Saudi Arabia – the exotic and often draconian culture contrasted wonderfully with making my own wine, helping Roger run the still, or checking out the chicks at the swimming pool.

After seven years I finally got what I’d wanted most of all and returned to the United States. Only now I felt like a foreigner, and I blamed being sent to boarding school.

One day years later I decided I was tired of watching life more than living it. I wanted to be a dad to my young children, not just play the part of one. Something had to change; I had to put to rest the ghosts of the past. As I did, something unexpected happened - the ghosts became real people who stepped up to help me, and what haunted me simply vanished, and I realized what I thought made me an outsider was actually a rich and flavorsome blend of culture and experience to be cherished.

Open your eyes before old age robs you of your sight.
-----------------------

A bit long but at least seems to touch the relevant bases.

Right direction or not? Thanks.

[jerrywaxler]

Hi Khobar, I like the pitch from yesterday morning better, the one that starts:

The "long" pitch from my website - "In 1976 police arrested my fifteen year old brother for stealing a case of beer. It was the last straw. I was eleven years old.

My brother said Irish boarding school would fix everything. My parents agreed and thought it would be good for me, too. They were wrong.


I would read this. I am interested in books on all sorts of subjects, but there are several unique aspects of your coming of age that make me interested. This idea of living in the shadow of a troubled or trouble-making sibling is a huge part of my world, and since I didn't experience it first hand, I want to experience it through your eyes. I read your home page and find you a good writer. You just have to keep it up.

In addition to refining your elevator speech, and messaging, it helps to have a talk track to keep people interested in you.

John Robison's book "Look me in the eye" succeeds at least in part because he has taken it on the road to speak about what he learned from growing up with Asperger's. What have you learned through all those years that you can now share with other people? A talk track, either before you sell it, or after, can help you keep people interested in you and your work.

Jerry

[Ruth2]

If I may ask, Jerry, what's a "talk track"?

Khobar, I, too, like the pitch from yesterday morning, having survived a hellacious boarding school experience.

[jerrywaxler]

Hi Ruth,

Good question. I probably just slapped the words into my email without thinking and now I have to think what I meant, which could be two things.

1) After years of researching and writing a memoir, I didn't necessarily know how to talk about it. It's only when you turn your attention outward from the pages of the memoir toward the people who might want to read it, that you realize OMG, I have to describe this thing. It would be great if people would read the whole book and just understand it, but readers aren't like that. We need to be convinced. So "talk track" could mean, what do you say to people to help them understand the book.

2) In the previous post, I meant "talk track" to mean your sort of pre- or post- platform builder. Could you start a blog about surviving boarding school, or being an international kid, or about coming of age memoirs, or whatever? I was using talk track to mean, looking for a link between you and the public. In my case, I fell so deeply in love with memoir as a genre that I started blogging about it. Feel free to join me. There is plenty of room in the blogosphere for everyone.

Jerry

[Ruth2]

Thanks, Jerry.

:) Your "OMG, I have to describe this thing..." reminds me of telling a friend of mine "OMG, let me tell you what's just happened" and launching into the real time events that led to me writing my memoir.

"Talk track"-- haha. An agent suggested I start working on this very thing, esp giving talks about my subject. The thought of talking in front of a group of people makes me think fondly of my root canal. :/

[khobar]

I'm still here - I've just been giving some very serious attention to the comments posted.

[khobar]

Many thanks everyone. I've now had time to bottle a revision. Don't know if it's fine wine or not, but it seems to cover the bases.

NOTE: Format change - third person present tense. Correct as necessary. Suggestions welcomed.

---------

When Richard is eleven living in Alaska, he thinks his fifteen year old brother Roger is the coolest person in the world. His brother’s pot smoking, drinking, girls and do-whatever-he-pleased attitude increasingly drives his parent's frustrations to the edge, but to Richard it seems like a lot of fun, especially to be included.

In 1976 police bust Roger breaking and entering for a case of beer. Mom and Dad have had enough, decide Irish boarding school will solve everything, and say it will be good for Richard, too. That’s okay, though; his big brother will see him through.

Boarding school doesn’t even slow Roger down and Sligo expels him by the end of the second term forcing Dad to fly over to try to fix things. He fails. As a result, Richard is moved to school in Northern Ireland the following year where he is greeted with, “Just what we need – another fucking Yank.” Richard wants to go home.

His brother’s exit both sparks and tempers Richard's surging sense of rebellion, and with the help of a couple of friends he makes it safely through the terms with some good times and life-long laughs but ready to go home to recharge.

Home now is an American-ish residential compound in Saudi Arabia providing a whole new dimension of adventure through a mix of exotic culture, Western conveniences, and beautiful girls. Roger is there, too, but the brothers aren’t the same as they once were. Instead of being impressed with his antics, Richard stays up with Mom wondering when his brother will come home, or if.

Richard’s boarding school days end after seven years; he finally gets what he’s wanted and the family moves to Deep South, USA, and when Richard doesn’t pick up being American where he left off, he thinks he knows why.

Thirty years on, Richard still lives in the shadow of boarding school while Roger talks reverently about the good old days of fun and freedom. As Richard’s children fast approach the age he was when he went away, he realizes something has to change.

Over the Hills and Far Away is his journey of understanding where the past fits into the present and how, through facing that past he now appreciates what he once loathed, a lesson he wishes his big brother could grasp.

Open your eyes before old age robs you of your sight.

[Purple Rose]

In 1976 police arrested my fifteen year old brother for stealing a case of beer. It was the last straw. I was eleven years old.

Hi Khobar, I still prefer the above introduction. If that was the last straw, i am left wondering what happened before then. It makes me want more. This sounds like quite a raw tale, maybe even brutal (?) but the newest query comes across as just another story of boarding school antics. It gives a good synopsis but lacks the harshness which I think gives the story its appeal.

By the way, have you considered publishing this in the UK? Just wondering if that might be a better market for your story.

[khobar]

In 1976 police arrested my fifteen year old brother for stealing a case of beer. It was the last straw. I was eleven years old.

Hi Khobar, I still prefer the above introduction. If that was the last straw, i am left wondering what happened before then. It makes me want more. This sounds like quite a raw tale, maybe even brutal (?) but the newest query comes across as just another story of boarding school antics. It gives a good synopsis but lacks the harshness which I think gives the story its appeal.

By the way, have you considered publishing this in the UK? Just wondering if that might be a better market for your story.

First of all thank you for your comments.

I like the "raw" feel of the original, too, but felt it had problems. Maybe I'm overanalyzing things but the "stealing" part seemed to suggest my brother was just a thief. As far as I know there was only this one major incident. Also what seemed to be missing is his making time for me, not necessarily for pot smoking or drinking, etc. although there was some of that for me. In my eyes he really was a pretty cool big brother, and part of the whole point of the book is that I've essentially lost him.

Whether this belongs in the synopsis I'm not sure, but I'll see about tightening and getting back some of the raw feel.

And, of course, I thought I needed to place me in Alaska. However, I can do that by saying "In 1976 Anchorage police blah blah".

I have thought about a UK release. There's something for everyone in my story, so we'll see.

Thank you again.

[khobar]

Maybe opening with something like:

"Richard thinks his fifteen year old brother, Roger, is the coolest person in the world.

In 1976 Anchorage police arrest Roger for stealing a case of beer. It is the last straw. Richard is eleven."

In rereading the "raw" version I think there are some "high value" words used. In the latest version I exchange these for a lot of low-value ones which may add specific clarity but also dilute the impact.

Another idea:

"To Richard Nixon, his fifteen year old brother, Roger, is the coolest person in the world.

In 1976 Anchorage police arrest Roger for stealing a case of beer. It is the last straw. Richard is eleven."

[FocusOnEnergy]

I'll take a swing at the pinata:

11-year-old Richard Nixon thought his older brother, Roger, was the coolest person on Earth. At fifteen, he had all the liquor, drugs, and girls he wanted, and he got away with everything. Until the night the police arrested Roger for stealing a case of beer.

Their parents decided that an Irish boarding school was the solution and Roger and Richard left Anchorage, Alaska for Enniskillen, Northern Ireland.

They were wrong. Ireland was only the beginning of Richard's journey, that left him feeling like a foreigner in his own country when he returned to America, a grown man.

Somewhere along the way he learned an important lesson about life.

Open your eyes before old age robs you of your sight.

Focus

[khobar]

I'll take a swing at the pinata:

11-year-old Richard Nixon thought his older brother, Roger, was the coolest person on Earth. At fifteen, he had all the liquor, drugs, and girls he wanted, and he got away with everything. Until the night the police arrested Roger for stealing a case of beer.

Their parents decided that an Irish boarding school was the solution and Roger and Richard left Anchorage, Alaska for Enniskillen, Northern Ireland.

They were wrong. Ireland was only the beginning of Richard's journey, that left him feeling like a foreigner in his own country when he returned to America, a grown man.

Somewhere along the way he learned an important lesson about life.

Open your eyes before old age robs you of your sight.

Focus

Thank you Laura. Very nice.

You sure did hit the nail on the head when you said, "he got away with everything." That's exactly how it seemed to me at the time. He also got everything he wanted (at least from my perspective) which confused the heck out of me.

However, the crucial aspect of our relationship is missing. It's not that he had all the liquor, drugs, and girls that he wanted - that was only part of it. More importantly, I think, was that he made time for me, stood up for me, spoke up for me, and, yes, included me in some of his partying.

Maybe I'm fretting over detail, but Roger getting expelled from Sligo was a watershed moment (we were sent to Sligo for the first year. I moved to Enniskillen the following year).

Additional backstory - Roger originally went to boarding school in Dungannon in 1970. He complained about bombs and bullets and rioting and had Mom on a plane with me in tow after only a few months. When we got there I didn't notice any particular violence (but I was only 6 so would I?). We went to Portora in Enniskillen at that time to see if it would be any better for Roger, but it didn't work out as Roger made a comment the headmaster didn't like. Mom said there was no way she'd send any child of hers to that school.

Ironic that's where I ended up in 1977.

[Bluestone]

Khobar, I do think you have an interesting story to tell and having checked out your website, your writing style is engaging and skilled.

If I may offer an opinion, I think we all get caught up in the details of our stories and lose the point of the pitch. It shouldn't hit every stopover on your journey, nor even the ones that seem more important to you. We have to pull ourselves away from the subjective and consider our audience. Why will they care?

Yes, you may have carried a lifetime of resentment that your brother "got away with everything" or "stood up for me," but don't get hung up on those details. The reader will discover for him/herself whether this is the case and in what way within the book. Depending upon birth order, many people feel that a sibling "got everything" "got away with everything." was their parent's favourite, etc., it isn't the most interesting part of a pitch or query. You can't afford to waste words on anything but the punchiest parts. Although it should be factual, it should also be a tease to hook the reader (or before that, the agent).

I also suggest that you get more specific about events. Fix things, how? Rebellion, how? Finally gets what he wanted, how? "Good times and laughs" don't paint a picture. Do you see what I mean? You don't have to include all these aspects in the pitch (and I wouldn't, because there are too many), but whatever you do choose should work hard, set up tension and instill a desire to learn more.

Best of luck.

[khobar]

Khobar, I do think you have an interesting story to tell and having checked out your website, your writing style is engaging and skilled.

If I may offer an opinion, I think we all get caught up in the details of our stories and lose the point of the pitch. It shouldn't hit every stopover on your journey, nor even the ones that seem more important to you. We have to pull ourselves away from the subjective and consider our audience. Why will they care?

Yes, you may have carried a lifetime of resentment that your brother "got away with everything" or "stood up for me," but don't get hung up on those details. The reader will discover for him/herself whether this is the case and in what way within the book. Depending upon birth order, many people feel that a sibling "got everything" "got away with everything." was their parent's favourite, etc., it isn't the most interesting part of a pitch or query. You can't afford to waste words on anything but the punchiest parts. Although it should be factual, it should also be a tease to hook the reader (or before that, the agent).

I also suggest that you get more specific about events. Fix things, how? Rebellion, how? Finally gets what he wanted, how? "Good times and laughs" don't paint a picture. Do you see what I mean? You don't have to include all these aspects in the pitch (and I wouldn't, because there are too many), but whatever you do choose should work hard, set up tension and instill a desire to learn more.

Best of luck.

Hi Bluestone and many thanks. I very much appreciate it.

I actually have different versions, some where I've included specific events. They felt lopsided to me - probably because I knew all the other events and wondered why I chose the ones I did.

I'll think about your ideas and see what happens. However, if you got "lifelong resentment" from what you read then I've missed the mark badly. I don't resent my brother - I miss him, more so given the fact that he's still alive.

[frimble3]

I've just read all the way through this thread, and I think part of the problem in describing the story is your brother.
Take out (from the pitch, etc - not the book itself) the stuff about your brother, and you have an interesting story about a child dragged from pillar to post by his family (I assume, from the Libya/Alaska/Arabia moves that your father was in oil in some way?). The experiences he had made him the man he is. In the end, he comes back to America, where he grew up, to find himself a stranger, again.
Your brother is one of the things that made you who you are, but, I think that giving him such a prominent focus in your pitch, does make it sound like the story is about him.

[Bluestone]

You sure did hit the nail on the head when you said, "he got away with everything." That's exactly how it seemed to me at the time. He also got everything he wanted (at least from my perspective) which confused the heck out of me.

I think I took the statement above and extrapolated from that that you must have resented him for it. Sorry about that!

I agree with frimble3 that this is your story, which is already interesting, however much it was impacted by your brother's actions. The query or pitch is all about what is going to pull someone in and should have a clear vision. Then you have 300 pages or so to tell the rest of the story.

[khobar]

I think I took the statement above and extrapolated from that that you must have resented him for it. Sorry about that!

I agree with frimble3 that this is your story, which is already interesting, however much it was impacted by your brother's actions. The query or pitch is all about what is going to pull someone in and should have a clear vision. Then you have 300 pages or so to tell the rest of the story.

No need to apologize!

Thank you both for the comments.

I agree the difficulty is caused by my brother (ironic) but in the story he is like a rip-tide throughout.

Here's what I have as a prologue and chapter 1 - http://richardpnixon.com/OTHAFA_chapter1.pdf

Far from perfect, but you get an idea of our family history so the idea of Irish boarding school doesn't seem out of the blue.

[Purple Rose]

Your brother is one of the things that made you who you are, but, I think that giving him such a prominent focus in your pitch, does make it sound like the story is about him.

Absolutely agree with frimble3 - this story is about YOU. When I sent my memoir for editing, I was told there was too much emphasis on certain characters. While character development is important, memoirs dictate that the story is about the writer, the focus is on the writer's experience.

As frimble3 and others have said, your brother may have played a big part in shaping you but you still need to pull this together so it is ultimately YOUR story.

I think you will be able to do this well.

Good luck!

[khobar]

Absolutely agree with frimble3 - this story is about YOU. When I sent my memoir for editing, I was told there was too much emphasis on certain characters. While character development is important, memoirs dictate that the story is about the writer, the focus is on the writer's experience.

As frimble3 and others have said, your brother may have played a big part in shaping you but you still need to pull this together so it is ultimately YOUR story.

I think you will be able to do this well.

Good luck!

I very much appreciate the support, folks - you're making me think and dig and that's good. Of course you're right that the memoir must be about me - I wholly agree, but I think I may have been unclear. My memoir focuses on my experiences at boarding school and such but it's also about my relationship with my brother in the same way that Norman Ollestad's Crazy for the Storm centers on his experiences in trying to get down from the mountain but is about his relationship with his dad (who died in the crash).

I was gone for seven years - my brother is prominent in the early part of the story because we were very close. But once we go to Ireland, his presence becomes less and less. Our last "together" moment was in Dublin at the end of Winter term 1977. The next day we flew to Los Angeles via Manchester, England. I have almost zero recollection of those two weeks. I went back to Sligo and Roger went to a school called Drogheda Grammar. Since I have no idea what Roger's up to at Drogheda, he isn't really mentioned.

We do fly back to Anchorage for the summer, but we're not the same people we were when we left so he's not featured the way he was earlier.

When we go back to Ireland, he goes to a new school outside Dublin while I ended up in Northern Ireland. Two things happen during the whole year re: Roger - his being a pall-bearer at my grandfather's funeral in January '78, and him surprisingly being in Saudi Arabia before the end of the school year, around May '78. I found out over the summer he'd been expelled, again.

The next major "Roger" time is October '78 when I flew to Majorca for mid-term break. This trip started off with great promise - ended with screams for the police. Shortly after I returned to school (delayed by a week due to the "crisis"), Roger was in hospital. I didn't know the full details at that time so I didn't write them in. I had my own fun and joy to deal with and that's what I wrote about.

Roger's time is sparse, but what it lacks in quantity it more than makes up for in quality, so to speak. Most of the time I had no idea what Roger was up to, so there's not much mention. Then there would be a major Roger incident, like his "accident" in late '79 and I'd write only what I knew, etc.

The feeling like a foreigner when I came back has been a very tough issue for me for a lot of reasons. Part of the problem was my naive assumption that the USA was the same all over. After all, I didn't see that much of a difference between Maryland and Alaska, so why shouldn't South Carolina be just the same? LOL. I thought this was going to be a bigger issue in the story, but since the memoir doesn't really cover my experiences once I returned, it no longer really matters.

What does matter is that I faced what I thought was my biggest nightmare - the specter of the boarding schools and, in doing so, found they weren't anything to fret about now. A lot of the boys I went to school with have been helpful in filling in details (mostly of fun albeit mischievous times) and I feel like a lot has been resolved. When I left Ireland in 1981 I swore up and down no way would I ever go back. Well, I've gone back several times starting in 1992. I also swore that if and when I ever had kids they'd be raised 100% American and would have none of this hopping all over the world crap. Yeah, well, when I get my $Zillion check for my book (lol) we're going to be doing some traveling.

Ultimately, my views have come 180 degrees, and it's been a tremendously good thing. Open your eyes before old age robs you of your sight, I say. Unfortunately, my brother probably never will (both of these points are addressed in the present day bookends).

Does this additional information change anything? I hope it does - I hope it makes the story clearer. Let me know.

[Purple Rose]

Based on what you've just said, your thoughts are clear, your outline is clear (to me, at least).

I'm not sure at which point you are in the draft process but I think you should finish the ms, review it, let it sit for a a week or two and review it again. Maybe get a couple of beta readers who like memoirs.

All the best!

[khobar]

Based on what you've just said, your thoughts are clear, your outline is clear (to me, at least).

I'm not sure at which point you are in the draft process but I think you should finish the ms, review it, let it sit for a a week or two and review it again. Maybe get a couple of beta readers who like memoirs.

All the best!

That's good news.

My original "final" draft was completed by May, 2009 at which point I started querying. The third agent sent me a personal note suggesting if I had a platform they would be more interested. So I stopped querying and started trying to build my platform. I also decided maybe I should have more ms input.

Subsequently, the best critique I received of my ms was from an author in Botswana who said that while I had a gift for hooking from chapter to chapter, the story overall was completely flat. She didn't understand why I would treat something shocking the same as something mundane. While that was done on purpose, I realized it made the story boring. So I rewrote the ms. At this moment it's complete.

Meanwhile I've been working on "platform". My results from my web site, blog, and FB fan page suggest I'm missing something very important - hence my asking if my message is clear. From the amount of stuff I've posted in this thread, I'm glad I asked because it didn't seem entirely clear even to me at first, or at least I was unable to articulate it in a clear manner.

I am extremely grateful to have the chance to talk it out and get feedback. You and others have helped me explore my story from different angles, and that's helpful.

I find myself with a potential hook now, one that I'm not sure I like but is very accurate nonetheless - it would have been easier had my brother simply died, but he didn't, and I miss him (terribly). Hmmm...