Discuss Tasks 1 & 2 Here.

[Joe Calabrese]

VOTING IS NOW OPEN FOR TASK 1. The Spec Script.

Inspiration comes from many sources, but in this case, a screenwriter just read something in the newspaper and it gave him/her a great idea for a film!

There were 3 newspaper headlines provided for the inspiration.

They had to pick one and submit The Hook, UP TO the first 10 pages from the inspiration and it could be any genre, any plot, anything... It can be a stageplay, feature or short film or for TV.

1. Crowds go ape over ‘humans’ zoo exhibit
Scantily clad homo sapiens act natural in London zoo enclosure
LONDON - Caged and barely clothed, eight men and women monkeyed around for the crowds Friday in an exhibit labeled “Humans” at the London Zoo.

2. America's most dangerous jobs
Survey: Loggers and fisherman still take the most risk; roofers record sharp increase in fatalities.
NEW YORK (CNN/Money) - There's a memorial in Gloucester, Massachusetts that stands at the city's harbor edge. It's a fisherman leaning into the wind and peering out to the open sea as if searching for a safe route home -- or perhaps a lost companion.

3. USS Monitor's cat mystery
NEWPORT NEWS, Virginia (AP) -- Was there a black cat aboard the Civil War ironclad USS Monitor, placed inside a cannon by a superstitious but desperate sailor as the vessel was sinking?

As a peer voter, your job is to pick one script which is your favorite. Do not judge solely on the strength or weakness of any one element but a balance of all the elements you feel make a script outstanding. Please, however, do not consider FORMATTING into your decision.

One person, one vote. Persons with multiple member names will have all of their votes thrown out. Entrants may vote, but any entrants found to be cheating or manipulating the votes, will be disqualified. (Note: I will not be voting)

Voting will be closed at Midnight EST, September 24th, 2005

Task 2 will begin on September 25th and will run for 2 weeks.

[Joe Calabrese]

Okay.

We have 13 brave souls who have will fight it out for the duration of this competition.

Good luck all.

Joe Calabrese
moderator

[Joe Calabrese]

I'd say we had a pretty good turn out for the voting.

13 entries is a bit much to ask and I appreciate those who took the time to vote. Keep in mind this is a three part competition and task 2 and three will still need votes.

Since I didn't vote, I can say that some of my favorites were:
"The Family of Man,"
"The Cat from Cahaba," and the short
"Dead End Jobs."

All the entries, however, were good, interesting and have potential.

Isn't it interesting that using the same source materials that 13 people could get 13 very different ideas? And develop something tangible in two weeks. I love it!

[StephieM]

The day is finally here! We can discuss! :Clap:

I also thought everyone did a fine job. However, I'm still going through each of them and writing down my thoughts-will post later.

I'm really curious to know who wrote what, speak up!

I wrote CAGED. :)

Steph

P.S Had to delete my favorites, didn't know if I was supposed to tell. :)

[dpaterso]

The following comments on the Task 1 entries are an expression of my personal opinion, and nothing else. I'm not claiming I'm right, I'm just saying how each entry struck me.

1. Dead Line

Mine. I like Noir. Not everyone does. Too bad for me.

2. Regret

I liked the use of the topic, but... couple of things turned me off slightly. The TV reporter and Spokesman quickly became "talking heads" which has high static/boredom factor. And if I were watching the film, I'm not sure whether I would have picked up on the TV date flashbacks. The live action, such as it is, is described in big chunky paragraphs that my typing fingers itched to trim to half their size; I would have appreciated a lighter touch. The Old Man and Old Woman seem superfluous, apparently their only role is to draw further attention to the fact The Man is Miles Truett. I would have bet cash that Truett had a gun in that briefcase... and with this suspicion in mind his shooting the scientist then himself as some kind of guilty conscience blowback came as no surprise.

3. Dead End Jobs

Had its funny moments. The Counselor scene was amusing but (V.O.)s bore the heck out of me, you could easily have paired Seth with a buddy or an unwilling geek male or grungy female classmate to give him someone to talk to instead. I'm just saying.

4. Family Of Man

Not bad at all, an entertaining read, dialogue seemed natural, story and characters have appeal. This was a close contender for my one and only vote.

5. The Cat From Cahaba

Nicely done, Clive Cussler meets the X-Files and gives us a mystery within a mystery. Trivial thought, I'd insert an EXT. of the Mariner's Museum before you go INT. the laboratory, so we know where we are. This one got my vote, I want to watch the damn film.

6. Fresh Blood, Old Books

Interesting read, held my attention, reminded me of The Saint but in a good way, no insult intended. I felt The Figure's talking to himself was a tad corny, switch off the dialogue and the assassination would be a tighter, more thrilling sequence that speaks for itself. Just when the dialogue between the three men was becoming stuffy the phone rings, good timing! A close contender for my one and only vote.

7. Extinct

This was shaping up nicely as some kind of escaped monster mystery, then it slapped me in the face and laughed at me for wasting my time. Boo.

8. The Tarzan Project

Entertaining read, tho' the unbelievable scenario requires a "don't analyze, just switch off your brain" mindset that seems more suited to a less serious subject. Finishing on Barrie and Jackie made me think this was a short, the scene had that kind of "epilog" feel about it, but TO BE CONTINUED suggests otherwise. Huh. Anyways, like I say, entertaining read.

9. 21st Century Yenta

Easy read. Comes across as social drama or high level soap opera that would maybe suit a mature actress who's worked with Anthony Hopkins in the past, rather than a romcom (so far, anyway). Some nice dialogue and not unpleasant characters, tho' they soon began to blur. The Ruby/Scott/bedroom scene just cuts off without even a glimpse of Scott's disappointment; I guess he'll have to get himself up and dressed and wheel himself out of the building. I didn't know what I was supposed to feel about Ruby, she's too focused and cold for my tastes.

10. The Naked Ape

Lots happening here, and it's quite entertaining. Takes a bizarre turn however after John's kidnapping (and I'm wondering how on earth Duke and Indian could have spirited him away after kicking off a bomb alert). I could understand the zoo exhibit stuff if they'd superglued him into a gorilla costume, or if the onlookers were scientists instead of what seems to be ordinary families visiting the zoo. So the setup unsettles me, but I did like the writing.

11. The Graveyard Of The Atlantic

Intriguing, kept me reading. However, Michael and Helen's reactions to the cat's age seemed overdone, even silly... it would perhaps be more realistic if they humored the old guy and assumed, as I did, that the Cassie on the Monitor and the Cassie on the Carrol A. Deering are simply different cats. Instead, they swallow this as if it has to be true. Different if Carroll caught them by surprise but they recovered and realized this can't be for real, or if they were humoring Carroll so he'd keep talking, but they appear very serious. Which unfortunately lowered believability and enjoyment levels.

12. Cancer Blows

Interesting setup. Good dialogue. I laughed out loud at "Comanche." Good hook on the final page, how is Duke gonna arrange sex for an underage kid? This was a close contender for my one and only vote. Damn those mini-slugs that format incorrectly as if they're character names! ;-)

13. Caged

Pretty funny. A close contender for my one and only vote.

...Only got until the 8th to complete Task 2! Better get writing!

-Derek
Derek's Web Page - stories, screenplays, novels, insanity. (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/DPaterson57/scripts.htm)

The Absolute Write Ultimate Screenwriting Challenge Contest
Rules & Prizes (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18151)
Read the Entries for Task 1 (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18170)
Read Task 2 Goals (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=19404)
1st voting period extended to midnight on Saturday, October 1st.

[Joe Calabrese]

Here were the entries and who penned them...

1: DEAD LINE by dpaterso

2: REGRET by Aldenard

3: DEAD END JOBS by Green Chair

4: FAMILY OF MAN by Brian James

5: THE CAT FROM CAHABA by Rainy Night

6: FRESH BLOOD, OLD BOOKS by rickdemille

7: EXTINCT by Dichucks

8: THE TARZAN PROJECT by NikeeGoddess

9: 21ST CENTURY YENTA by Annabanana

10: THE NAKED APE by Sukee

11: THE GRAVEYARD OF THE ATLANTIC by Nidorina

12: CANCER BLOWS by stegosaurus

13: CAGED by Stephanie76

[Mac H.]

I don't have time to go into all of them now (I'm about to go to bed - it's now past midnight here!) but the one that I liked best was 'The Cat from Cahuna'.

Bits of it really annoyed me, though, and I was itching to rewrite it. However, I think that's a good sign - it's the one that I really WANTED to see the movie for.

The things that annoyed me about it were:
* The starting scene on the boat was very dialogue heavy - and really didn't make sense that he'd put the cat in the gun. Apart from somebody announcing that a black cat was good luck, I'd rather see FRANCIS care for the cat, empathise with his caring and his struggle to save the cat, then hear a lot of dialogue in the middle of a storm. Basically I want to feel an emotion - and as it was written, I didn't really care what they did with the cat.

* And then have somebody tell me that everyone wanted to know about the fate of the cat, instead of seeing everyone's interest (eg: In a press conference) seemed a bit 3rd hand.

Just a thought: A snippet of a press conference where we see everyone's interest in the cat just before we go into the laboratory could give a lot of background very easily, and meet avoid Derek's need for an EXT. of the Mariner's Museum before you the INT. of the laboratory, so we know where we are.

* And the inevitable 'ex-wife coincidentally is working as my opposition on the exact same project' was off putting. There could have been a reference to the fact that she was put on this project solely because of her connection to him, or something.

But this one did get my vote. I want to see the movie !!

Mac

[Annabanana]

My favorite was DEAD END JOBS. It had great pacing, snappy dialogue, a strong protagonist, and was easily relatable. It works well as a short but also has feature potential. It made me laugh and kept my attention the whole way through. Well done, Green Chair.

[StephieM]

Okay, since everyone else is posting their favorites I guess it's alright for me to. :)

My favorite was "The Cat from Cahabra". Good job Rainy Night! A lot of good things going on. I am very interested in seeing where this one goes! The only thing that bugs me, was that Allison and Tom kept repeating each other's name in their dialogue. It became annoying after awhile. But other than that, very good. :Thumbs:

Close contenders were...DEADLINE and THE GRAVEYARD OF THE ATLANTIC. It was a very tough call, but you all had great ideas! Again, I'll post my thoughts later.

Steph

[alleycat]

My three favorites were DEAD END JOBS, FAMILY OF MAN and CAGED. It was a tough call, but I finally voted for CAGED.

ac

[Writer1]

I voted for Dead Line. I love Noir, and Dpat nailed it.

[Joe Calabrese]

Rather than turning into a script admiration society, how about we tell the writers what didn't work and why we didn't pick them?

[alleycat]

Rather than turning into a script admiration society, how about we tell the writers what didn't work and why we didn't pick them?
I was going to do a simple "what I liked/what I didn't like" note about each entry when I got the chance.

ac

[brokenfingers]

Hello everybody!


I voted in the contest even though I’m not a screenwriter and have never even visited this part of the Forum until now.

I think reading screenplays is good for any writer regardless if it’s their chosen field of endeavor or not, because screenplays still follow the same rules as any fiction: characterization, dialogue, conflict, resolution etc.

Plus, I’ve studied a few screenplays in the past because they have certain characterisitics that I think a good writer should have a grasp of. They condense a lot of story into as few words as possible, meaning less description and exposition and more power to the punch when you do use them. They seem to rely even more on the telling detail to show what’s going on around the characters. They also place more emphasis on dialogue and less on exposition etc. to move a story and so can show a writer how to use dialogue to move a story along, to show greater depth into a character, to initiate, resolve and even deepen conflict etc. Plus they’re great for seeing how subtext can be used to good effect in a story.

I viewed this as a mental exercise for me, another part of my journey as I learn to craft a good story.

I’m always hesitant to give any kind of input on a piece because many writers are very sensitive to criticism. I’m wondering if it might’ve been easier if they’d remained anonymous. The reason being that even though people are trying to be helpful with their comments, once your name is on it in public and someone says anything negative about it, you can’t help but feel a sting. To me, it’s kinda like if you’re in a crowded room and someone yells: “Hey, you’ve got a booger hanging out your nose!!” Yeah, they were only trying to help you but you can’t help but feel: “Bastard! Now everyone knows I’ve got a booger hanging out my nose!”

So please remember once again, that I’m only viewing this as a mental exercise and thinking about what I would have done. Any comments I make are about the story and not the writer. If anybody differs with my thoughts, I’d love to hear it because I like talking about structure and what makes a story work and what doesn’t.

I just want to clarify what a hook is first. My impression is that it’s not just a beginning but something in the beginning, whether a character or a plot point, that will make the reader (viewer) want to continue reading (or viewing.)

Something that arouses the viewers curiosity and makes them want more.

In order to see how far off the mark I am I’d like to give some comments on the first entry as an example,

I thought it was very well written and I definitely I liked the style but thought the story itself had a few flaws that weakened it:

1. Johnny shooting the guy off the bat came across as cold and unnecessary, not to mention unrealistic – I mean, c’mon , the BG never even said a word! I could see if there was a big drug deal going down with rival parties, armed and wary, and there were mllions of dollars in cash and drugs at hand and everybody’s nerves were on edge, then maybe I could see a person shooting somebody for putting their hand in their jacket. But not to shoot a guy in cold blood who walked into your place of business (unless there’s some serious backstory where somebody is trying to kill Johhny but then you have to give some indication) and then have the main character not feel a shred of guilt or even give a second thought about it afterward (especially when he realizes that he’s killed an unarmed, innocent man by mistake.)

Not a good way to create a sympathetic character that the viewer will rally behind and follow the length of a movie. If maybe the Biggest Guy had come in and threatened him in some way...

I think it’s important to create a sympathetic main character, not necessarily nice or goody-two-shoes, but craft him in a way that the viewer can relate and understand why he’s acting that way and root for him and become willing to watch him get through his adventure/ordeal. Also it’s important to make the character believeable.

2. It was kinda cliché-ridden. There really wasn’t anything new or refreshing to make a viewer think: “Hmmm, here’s something different.”

Now if maybe the guy had walked in asking repeatedly if he was Johnny Kruger, smiling all the while unconvincingly and arousing Johhny’s suspicions etc. then tried to attack Johhny, and THEN Johhny killed him etc.

Then while Johhny’s waiting for the police to arrive, he gets the guy’s ID and finds he has ID in Johhny’s name! All the info is Johhny’s (credit cards, driver's license, P.I. license etc) except the photos. AND he discovers the guy has pictures of his estranged wife and daughter on him too and when he calls them to find out if they’re OK, there’s no answer. This would give more credibilility to Johnny wanting to get away so bad when the police arrive, but even more important, make the viewer want to watch to find out what the hell is going on and make the viewer sympathize with and want to root for Johnny.

Why’d this guy try to kill Johhny? Why was he carrying ID showing him to be Johnny? Who was that guy? Is Johhny’s wife and daughter OK? What’s going on?

Then, when Johnny escapes, he’s cut off by a car pulling up, tires screeching – it’s the dame!!! With a gun pointing at Johhny and saying “Get in the car.”

In my opinion, that would’ve been a hook to make a director (or whoever) want to read more. So am I off the mark here or is this the type of stuff we talk about when we discuss scripts?

[JennaGlatzer]

I had a hard time choosing between three entries. It's a good pool of entrants. I figured it would be easy with only 13 to choose from-- but no. I wound up choosing "Cancer Blows," with my one criticism being that the boy's age should be bumped up by a year or two to keep it from being totally creepy. Oh, and the title doesn't work.

Until I got to that one, I thought I was voting for #1. Great style. Wanted to read more. But I wasn't sure how original it was-- that would depend on the rest of the script. In the end, originality was how I made the decision. I thought both were very well-written.

[StephieM]

Let me just first say, that I thought everyone did a good job. Some may need more work than others, but overall, they were all great ideas. To me the most interesting part was seeing the different ideas everyone came up with based on the just the three articles. You guys did great.

TITLE: DEADLINE

I wasn't sure if I liked Deadline until the very ending, when the woman hung up. It was a great hook and I would read more definitely, however there were some things that nagged me.

IN THE STYLE OF THE 1930s.-right away I had to say "huh?"

This would be a good place for a SUPER.
SUPERIMPOSE: July 1930 -Simple.

Also I thought the part with the detective was a little off. If the detective knew what Johnny was up to, why didn't he take him down. What does Johnny have over him, that he would let him get away with murder? IMO I think this part could of been left out for the sake of suspense. Knowing what the detective doesn't gives the audience sort of an upper hand.

TITLE: REGRET

I found it hard to read all the way through. However I did finish it, and there were a lot of things that added up.
First, none of the character's had names. They were all A MAN, A WOMAN, an OLD WOMAN, an OLD MAN, I wasn't sure who the main character is or where to focus my attention. The dialogue was too long and on the nose. The REPORTER seemed to be there just for the fact of getting out the story and nothing more.

Alot of "SEENs and HEARDs", " A MAN is seen on his knees in front of the toilet, sobbing quietly."

I thought this could of been cut down a lot. A lot of things that weren't really necessary to the story. For example the actions where the MAN walks down the hall, down the stairs, out the door to his car, opens the car door, throws in his brief case and gets in." We don't need to see EVERY action of the man going to his car. Just a simple... The MAN approaches his car and gets in.
What kept me from liking this story was that I was taken out of the read many times, I wasn't quite sure where the story was heading and what the next ten pages would offer any different.

TITLE: DEAD END JOBS
I thought this was funny, but not terribly funny. The only thing that didn't make sense is that Seth is trying to find a less dangerous job, thinking of all kinds of things that could possibly happen, then when the Counselor suggests a pilot, Seth says
SETH Expensive and dangerous. I like the sounds of that. My dad's paying, you know.
And then he goes on to say. He wants the most dangerous stuff.
Does he or does he not want a dangerous job? The reason I didn't choose this one, is because it left me confused. It was inconsistant.

FAMILY OF MAN

I really like this story. TOKAFOY's character really stood out, and was easy to visualize. I thought the dialogue was great.
There was only one thing that caught my attention. When the armed men came out to shoot the elephant. This to me, wasn't realistic. At a normal zoo, an elephant wouldn't be shot right there in front of customers. At worst the elephant would be taken out and put to sleep. Of course there wouldn't be a story without it. But perhaps instead of the men and guns, you could have someone leading the elephant out to be put to sleep, then Tokafoy steps up. Just my thoughts.

THE CAT FROM CAHABA

A lot of good visuals in this story. I expecially liked the begining with the cat being under everyone's feet as they bail out the water. The dialogue was great, the conflict was clear, and I was definitly hooked.
Just one thing that bothered me. In Allison and Tom's dialogue you kept repeating their names. For example:

TOM Okay, the Office of Homeland Insecurity. What can I do for you, Allison.

ALLISON Be nice, Tom. I'm looking for a cat. A cat that is supposed to be at the bottom of one of your cannons. Granted this is the first lines they speak to each other, but it continues to the point of annoyance after awhile.

FRESH BLOOD, OLD BOOKS.

This was an interesting story. It ranged up there with my favorites. The things I didn't like about it, was the FIGURE speaking to himself. It kind of took the mystery out of him. I also didn't like the add in with the Naked Woman and Naked Man, I wasn't sure what this had to do with the story, it was a bit off.

EXTINCT:

This just wasn't my type of story. Their were definitly a few things that grabbed me. But I didn't fully understand what was so bad about the DEMOCRATS and why they were so dangerous. I wanted to know more within the ten pages that would help me understand what was really going on.

THE TARZAN PROJECT:

The main thing that bothered me about this story is that I didn't see a clear protagonist. I didn't like the professor at all. What kind of man would cage a pair of twins with gorillas and hope for them to mate? That is just inhumane and unethical. And as for the boys' parents, they seem to care more about getting more money rather than their sons. No one really seems to care about the boys welfare except for the protestors, but none of them stood out to me like the hero in all of this.

THE 21st CENTURY YENTA

I found this story to be cliche. It's a story told a hundred times before. The wedding planner or the bride's maid who has been to wedding after wedding watching everyone else get married and live happily ever after, and getting nothing in return. UNTIL, she meets prince charming, they fall in love, there are some bumps along the way then BOOM, she finds herself finally at her own wedding. I didn't see anything new that I haven't seen before in this kind of story.

THE NAKED APE:

I thought this was a little funny. Some good visuals. I liked how this evolved, although I didn't like the scene on the subway, I thought it was a bit forced.

THE GRAVEYARD OF THE ATLANTIC

This was one of my favorites. I thought it read nicely and had good visuals, along with pretty good dialogue. The only thing that bothered me in this story was ( I think someone else mentioned this) that Helen and Micheal's reaction was too quick to believe the old man's story. Tough call.

CANCER BLOWS
The whole time I was reading this story I kept saying in my mind, "what is it, what's he want?" I was expecting something really BIG. I really wasn't sure what, but I really didn't expect it to be what it is. I had the same thoughts as someone else. I thought 14 years old might be a little too young for this role. If he was like 17, it would be more acceptable. I also didn't like this title.

Well there you have it, my thoughts. I hope that all of you continue to work on these pages, in hopes of turning it into a full script, they were all great ideas. Please don't feel discouraged by my words, it has no bearings on what other people thought or felt. It's just one opinion among many. GOOD LUCK ON TASK 2!

Steph

[dpaterso]

Thanks all for your thoughts, comments, suggestions & votes for Dead Line, much appreciated.

Some interesting takes thus far. :)

I'm not trying to defend my poor choices. What I set out to do was paint a flawed character who makes mistakes... but shows maybe just a teeny little bit of remorse ("Been hitting it pretty hard, ace." "It isn't every night I kill a man.") just so we know he's human.

What was Johnny up to tonight before he came back to his office? Sheesh, who the heck goes outside on a wet night like this anyway? To be revealed... then maybe we'll understand why Johnny shoots first and asks questions later.

I fear that dumping all this into the first 10 pages would prove indecently hasty when I've got another 90 pages to fill! The questions that have been asked are the questions I expected might be asked, only I was kinda hoping they'd arouse curiosity rather than turn readers off. Rest assured that all will be revealed, fingers crossed. Oh, and Detective Novella isn't finished with his brother-in-law just yet. :)

Thanks again,

-Derek
Derek's Web Page - stories, screenplays, novels, insanity. (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/DPaterson57/scripts.htm)

The Absolute Write Ultimate Screenwriting Challenge Contest
Rules & Prizes (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18151)
Read the Entries for Task 1 (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18170)
Read Task 2 Goals (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=19404)

[dpaterso]

Jenna, thanks for your thoughts on #1, and I understand why Cancer Blows got your vote. There were too many readable, interesting entries to choose from.

-Derek
Derek's Web Page - stories, screenplays, novels, insanity. (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/DPaterson57/scripts.htm)

The Absolute Write Ultimate Screenwriting Challenge Contest
Rules & Prizes (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18151)
Read the Entries for Task 1 (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18170)
Read Task 2 Goals (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=19404)

[MacAllister]

This was really educational for me, since I don't write screenplays, and haven't read that many of 'em, either.

I thought many of them had potential, but thought most of them had some dialogue issues that sank them for me, ultimately.

I voted for the Cat from Cahaba, because I thought the premise--hoary old chestnut that it is--was handled well. Also, I'm a sucker for a good time-travel story.

[scripter1]

were Deadline and Caged.

I thought these two had the most story development happening in the first ten pages, set up the strongest hooks, and were the most technically correct. I was more interested in the characters and could "see" the movie.

It was a tough choice. I found Caged to have more humour and the writing style just appealed to me a bit more.

Sorry I don't have time to comment on the others.
I did enjoy them though, they were all good, working scripts.
Very fun to see what everyone did with the various topics.

[JennaGlatzer]

Oops. Mac and I posted our thoughts in the wrong thread. Sorry! And I forgot to mention my third contender, which was the Yenta story. Again, I thought it was well-written and cinematic. Again, it was the "originality" factor that I wasn't sure about. As soon as we found out she's a modern-day matchmaker, I immediately figured that it was going to be about how she can't find a love of her own.

But seriously, a lot of strong writing in these entries. Congrats to all on a job well done!

[Rainy Night]

I voted for the Cat from Cahaba, because I thought the premise--hoary old chestnut that it is--was handled well. Also, I'm a sucker for a good time-travel story.
Thanks for your vote and your comments they are appreciated.

[Rainy Night]

THE CAT FROM CAHABA

A lot of good visuals in this story. I expecially liked the begining with the cat being under everyone's feet as they bail out the water. The dialogue was great, the conflict was clear, and I was definitly hooked.
Just one thing that bothered me. In Allison and Tom's dialogue you kept repeating their names. For example:

TOM Okay, the Office of Homeland Insecurity. What can I do for you, Allison.

ALLISON Be nice, Tom. I'm looking for a cat. A cat that is supposed to be at the bottom of one of your cannons. Granted this is the first lines they speak to each other, but it continues to the point of annoyance after awhile.
Thanks for your comments Stephanie. I had the characters use each other's names like that because I wanted to show that they were familiar with each other, yet make the conversation a little formal to show that there was tension between them. I may have overdone it a bit.

[Rainy Night]

I don't have time to go into all of them now (I'm about to go to bed - it's now past midnight here!) but the one that I liked best was 'The Cat from Cahuna'.

Bits of it really annoyed me, though, and I was itching to rewrite it. However, I think that's a good sign - it's the one that I really WANTED to see the movie for.

The things that annoyed me about it were:
* The starting scene on the boat was very dialogue heavy - and really didn't make sense that he'd put the cat in the gun. Apart from somebody announcing that a black cat was good luck, I'd rather see FRANCIS care for the cat, empathise with his caring and his struggle to save the cat, then hear a lot of dialogue in the middle of a storm. Basically I want to feel an emotion - and as it was written, I didn't really care what they did with the cat.

* And then have somebody tell me that everyone wanted to know about the fate of the cat, instead of seeing everyone's interest (eg: In a press conference) seemed a bit 3rd hand.

Just a thought: A snippet of a press conference where we see everyone's interest in the cat just before we go into the laboratory could give a lot of background very easily, and meet avoid Derek's need for an EXT. of the Mariner's Museum before you the INT. of the laboratory, so we know where we are.

* And the inevitable 'ex-wife coincidentally is working as my opposition on the exact same project' was off putting. There could have been a reference to the fact that she was put on this project solely because of her connection to him, or something.

But this one did get my vote. I want to see the movie !!

Mac
Thanks for the vote and your comments. I did a lot of reading on the Monitor and when I started the first scene I got to about 5 pages and realized that it was way to much, I re-wrote it to 3 pages and then cut a page more. Originally I had more involvement with the cat and the crew.



On the third page of the script Tom and Andy discuss the press conference and how every school kid wants to know what happened to the cat.



The story line with the ex-wife develops more as the story goes on. When I write the rest of the script you will discover that she is on the project because of her connection to him, and that it does relate to their marriage.



Thanks again for your comments. Let me know if you have any more, this is all really helpful.

[Rainy Night]

5. The Cat From Cahaba

Nicely done, Clive Cussler meets the X-Files and gives us a mystery within a mystery. Trivial thought, I'd insert an EXT. of the Mariner's Museum before you go INT. the laboratory, so we know where we are.

Thanks for the comments, you've sure put me in some good company. I had thought about a EXT shot but went long on pages. I felt that may be a directors call and left it out.

[Rainy Night]

Since I didn't vote, I can say that some of my favorites were:
"The Family of Man,"
"The Cat from Cahaba," and the short
"Dead End Jobs."


Thanks for the vote of confidence Joe. I'm going to continue to write THE CAT FROM CAHABA into a feature. Without this contest I would never have found the story. Thanks again.

[dpaterso]

I'll confess the thread name change fooled me completely, I scrolled up and down for hours looking for the Task 1 entries & comments. Thought I was in the wrong forum...

I sense a trap! Anyone who discusses Task 2 before the deadline's up gets points deducted, right? Clever, clever. But I don't wear tin foil on my head for nothing. As well as protecting me from telepathic control it also enhances my sixth sense for danger.

-Derek
Derek's Web Page - stories, screenplays, novels, insanity. (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/DPaterson57/scripts.htm)

The Absolute Write Ultimate Screenwriting Challenge Contest
Rules & Prizes (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18151)
Read the Entries for Task 1 (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18170)
Read Task 2 Goals (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=19404)

[Joe Calabrese]

That aluminum is a bit tight on the head Derek-- me thinks.

[StephieM]

My three favorites were DEAD END JOBS, FAMILY OF MAN and CAGED. It was a tough call, but I finally voted for CAGED.

My Two favorites were Deadline and Caged.

I thought these two had the most story development happening in the first ten pages, set up the strongest hooks, and were the most technically correct. I was more interested in the characters and could "see" the movie.

It was a tough choice. I found Caged to have more humour and the writing style just appealed to me a bit more.

Thanks for the votes and comments! :)

I thought BF had some good points about how you can learn from a script even though your not a scriptwriter. I never looked at it that way. I used to want to be a novelist, but I found that I'd get lost in my story, not really knowing what my story was actually about or where it was heading. Screenwriting has taught me how to THINK about my story, know what's coming next, know how to evolve my story in an organized way, and to delve deeper into my characters and plot. I think now if I tried, I'd be a better novelist then I was before. :)

However I don't agree with his comments on DEADLINE. I thought Dp had a clear cut hook that would make me turn the page to see what happens next. Granted, I didn't like Johnny all that much, but I did feel sympathetic for him (maybe it was the drinking).

Steph

[dpaterso]

I took brokenfingers' sane comments and suggestions as warning signs. The edited opening pages have clearer cut clues that something else is going on in Johnny's life.

Thanks scripter and everyone else who read and voted.

Maybe other entrants (esp. those usernames I don't recognize!) will join the great debate. :)

-Derek
Derek's Web Page - stories, screenplays, novels, insanity. (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/DPaterson57)

The Absolute Write Ultimate Screenwriting Challenge Contest
Rules & Prizes (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18151)
Read the Entries for Task 1 (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18170)
Read Task 2 Goals (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=19404)

[StephieM]

Wow, Task 2, was harder than I thought. I didn't think I'd meet the deadline. Good luck everyone. Again. :)

Steph

[Rainy Night]

I think the size limit was the hardest part, I went from 5 pages to 3 then to two and then to 1 1/2. There was a lot more I wanted to have in there that I just had to cut.

[Rainy Night]

Hey Stegosaurus - are you the guy who kicked my butt in the NYC Midnight contest?

[StephieM]

Now I'm worried. I'm not sure if mine was double spaced or not. I just assumed the wordpad already did that for me. :confused:

I had a hard time with the length too, I ended up with about a page and a half. It was nerve recking trying to put as much information as you can in less than two pages. I'm just glad it's over. It was definitly a challenge for me!

Task 3 full speed ahead!

Steph

[Rainy Night]

only if you were in heat # 17
So we meet again... I was second runner-up in heat 17.

[Joe Calabrese]

Okay guys. It's up for you to read.

Good luck.

[JERETHAL]

I just got back to the board today because I"ve been working on several stories and free lancing at Guru.com.

I haven't had the pleasure for more than a month. I have been looking at what is going on here and i think I got a handle on it.

Personally, what I found lacking was the absurd inspiration selections. I'm not sure I'd expect to find those things in the paper. The jobs thing seemed to present the only creative outlet as far as choice goes because it was so open ended and there are lots of jobs that have appeal. The human zoo was too restricting but got the most action. Had I known about this contest,I'd have entered the dangerous job story.

Maybe a hooker/topless dancer or mob lawyer. Maybe even write about the most dangerous job i ever had: drug smuggler. Altho nightclub bouncer dam near got me killed the most often.

[JERETHAL]

How ya supposed to write somethin about a cat in a cannon?
You'd have to go with some voodoo story from the pirate days.
I'm still trying to think why the human zoo was so popular. I thought somebody would do something about a PETA wacko holding humans hostage.

I remember reading a story about some native americans who specialize in hi-rise iron working like painting and repairing bridges. I'd like to see something like that with some *** kickin cinematography someday. The stuff that makes you tense up when they show the aerial shot. Many of those indians work drunk too. amazing!

[Joe Calabrese]

I'm still trying to think why the human zoo was so popular. I thought somebody would do something about a PETA wacko holding humans hostage.Actually that is just the kind of film a Will Farrell type would eat up.

I remember reading a story about some native americans who specialize in hi-rise iron working like painting and repairing bridges. I'd like to see something like that with some *** kickin cinematography someday. The stuff that makes you tense up when they show the aerial shot. Many of those indians work drunk too. amazing! So I guess the articles weren't too narrow for you to get inspired to remember that story.

Inspiration comes from many sources. Ideas for films come from more than just best selling novels or remakes of tv shows. You got to go out and look for them, whether is be a cat in a cannon or the true story of a girl becoming a bounty hunter. The point of the task is to get you to look and think.

Quite frankly, many of the submissions from task 1 are very marketable, including the ones with the cannon and the cat.

[StephieM]

Personally, what I found lacking was the absurd inspiration selections. I'm not sure I'd expect to find those things in the paper. The jobs thing seemed to present the only creative outlet as far as choice goes because it was so open ended and there are lots of jobs that have appeal. The human zoo was too restricting but got the most action. Had I known about this contest,I'd have entered the dangerous job story.

I thought everyone did well with the selections given. It takes a creative mind to come up with a story based soley on an article. Lots of different and great ideas came of it.

I think Joe's (correct me if I'm wrong) choices were meant to be restrictive, they offered a bigger challenge and the need for deeper creativity, then say an article about a man who just got convicted for murdering his wife. That would be too simple and just no fun. :)

Steph

[dpaterso]

If you ever subscribe to a "scripts wanted" service you'll see many absurd ads appearing week after week, some much worse (in terms of creative strangulation) than Task 1's news articles. That's the nature of an assignment, to spin a silk purse from a pale piece of pig's ear. I voted for a cat in a cannon story. It didn't seem absurd or lacking in inspiration.

-Derek
Derek's Web Page - stories, screenplays, novels, insanity. (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/DPaterson57)

The Absolute Write Ultimate Screenwriting Challenge Contest
Rules & Prizes (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18151)
Read Task 2 Goals & Entries (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=19404)
Read Task 1 Goals & Entries (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18170)

[Rainy Night]

Is the voting complete for task #2? Are we free to discuss them?

[Joe Calabrese]

Discuss away...

[Rainy Night]

Okay, so who voted for what? And who wrote what?



I voted for #8, Purgatory because I thought it really caught the essence of a confinement thriller, seven people in a room feeding off each others fears. I like the twist at the end although I probably wouldn’t have had Lenard do himself in with the axe. I don’t know how, but I think I would make the ending a little more twisted.


Runner up to that one was #13, Spiders and Snakes.

I wrote #4, Shelter from the Storm

[StephieM]

Rainy Night, your writing must really appeal to me, because once again I voted for your entry #4. GOOD JOB!

The reason I chose number four was because it had a lot going on for it, I thought it included everything suggested by the assignment, and I loved the visuals of the hurricane when the fight is going on on the roof.

I wrote "Eye of the Beholder". This assignment was really difficult for me, I had a hard time getting all the info I wanted to include down in a page and a half. It was challenging, but I had fun doing it!

Steph

[Annabanana]

#1 Eye of the Beholder - Promising but had a little too much DOMINO (fast cuts, fast action, not enough substance) potential for me. Too many characters for 1.5 pages, would have preferred a more focused explanation of the story. The confinement element was a bit too been there done that (i.e. bomb as the ticking clock).

#2 Mercy - This was mine :)

#3 Like the idea of using a hotel, but the hurricane thing seems a bit inappropriate given Katrina, and was a little too insider Hollywood.

#4 Shelter From The Storm - Really liked this synopsis, but it would be a while before this would be touched. Too opportunistic, like making a 9/11 movie in November of '01.

#5 The Sanctity of Confession - I loved the premise BUT where's the element of confinement?

#6 Skin - One word: gross. I guess some people would enjoy this type of film, but not I.

#7 Madman’s Mine - Original location, not sure if I'd be interested in watching people in a mine. A bit too out there for me.

#8 Purgatory - Interesting premise and good execution of a synopsis, a bit like the movie SE7EN. This was a close call for me. The only thing that isn't clear is what makes Lenard special? Why is he a character that I would pay $10 to watch for 2 hours?

#9 The Icarus Effect - Nice choice of location, but I didn't find your lead character to be sympathetic at all. I wouldn't want to watch a movie with an unlikeable protag. And what is up with all of the hurricanes?

#10 Under - Way too opportunistic, unabashadly so in the mention of Katrina. Story not as strong as #4.

#11 Trading Cages - Too weird...sorry, personal preference.

#12 Next Stop, Hell - relies too much on easy conveniences...everyone and their mama seems to have been laid off. Like the subway, good scare potential for the good people of New York. Would love to know what ****** was supposed to be.

#13 Spiders and Snakes - Joe saved the best for last! I liked the original location and quirky characters. The synopsis offers great visuals, so that I could actually see this taking place in my head. Plus Orlando and kinky sex scenes? Hello girlies, that'll be $10. It has a lot of potential for smart indy and even a sequel. This one got my vote.

[StephieM]

"We got the financing in place and the budget is no longer an issue. Go ahead and add a lot of special effects or an expensive set if you think it's needed."

When I read this, I took it that we no longer had to keep it strictly a confinement thriller, that the bigger budget, speacial effects, and expensive set would mean we could expand outside the grounds of confinement. I was surprised when I saw that most of the entries were still pretty much based on confinement. Was I wrong? Did anyone else think the same thing?

It's funny how many people thought of a hurricane when writing their synopsis. My original idea was to have a number of people confined in the lighthouse due to some maniac who wanted revenge. They would be trapped in the lighthouse (situated a few miles off the coast of some island) with no boat to get back, and a hurricane barreling their way.

No offense to those who did use a hurricane, but I'm glad I didn't now. One more just would of been uncanny. :)

Annabanana,
Thanks for your comments! Like I said, this was really difficult for me. Their were eight characters, which IMO, wasn't very many, all of which play a key role in the story. But I agree it could of had more substance. As for the confinement element, I thought the lighthouse was pretty original. The bomb, yeah okay, a bit cliche, but the story needed that focus of urgency. If the script ever gets written, I'd want my audience sitting on the edge of their seats, knowing that Zio doesn't know about the bomb, and knowing that at any moment it could explode.

Steph
P.S. Still getting my thoughts together on everyone's synopsis. Will try to post them tomarrow. :)

BTW-Everyone did a good job working with the guidelines and restrictions given. Give yourself a good healthy pat on the back!

Steph

[StephieM]

Okay, make that eleven characters.

Forgot about the prison mate, Dana, and her mom.

So maybe you were right. I probally could of done it without these three characters if I thought long and hard. ;)

Steph

[dpaterso]

I voted for #3, liked the setup, liked the protag's interaction with other characters, etc.

Mine was #6. The guidelines did say that Orlando was looking for something well away from his usual, and to give whatever genre it's supposed to be some extra oomph, and that money (locations, actors) wasn't a problem.

A minor observation: I got the impression that some of the entries, like mine, had been hurriedly shrunk to meet the one-and-a-half pages limit. So sometimes they had a slightly disjointed feel (emphasis on slightly), as if some connecting lines had been cut out. Shrug, I'm just saying. I could be wrong.

-Derek
My wittle web page - hack stories, failed novels, dud screenplays, terminal writer's block. (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/DPaterson57)

* * * The Absolute Write Ultimate Screenwriting Challenge Contest * * *
Rules & Prizes (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18151) | Task 1 Goals & Entries (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18170) | Task 2 Goals & Entries (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=19404) | Final Task (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=20608)

* * * Done Deal Fun Halloween Short Script Contest * * *
Rules & Entries (http://scriptsales.com/boards/showthread.php?t=13907)

[Rainy Night]

Rainy Night, your writing must really appeal to me, because once again I voted for your entry #4. GOOD JOB!

Thanks for the votes! I'm glad you liked the scene on the hospital roof. I really debated that, in fact I debated the whole hurricane scenario because of Katrina, but it just worked so well as a device to keep the hospital locked down and then the idea of the literal storm outside and symbolic (if you will) storm inside meeting on the roof of the hospital was too much to resist. I really tried not to mention Katrina I almost changed the entire setting because of it. My alternate idea was to go sci-fi with the story, set it in the future and have Orlando exiled from earth working as a doctor on some remote outpost on a distant planet.



I really could have used more pages to do a proper synopsis/treatment. I had this at three pages on my first draft and still felt that was not enough. I really had to cut it down to the bare bones to get it to the final length.



I think you could refine Eye of the Beholder and make a good script of it. Earlier comments are correct though, you have a lot of characters and I really got lost in all the exchanges between them. The imagery of the lighthouse and the giant cross are great especially at the end when the lighthouse explodes and the cross barely misses the boat.



Good work.

[Joe Calabrese]

"We got the financing in place and the budget is no longer an issue. Go ahead and add a lot of special effects or an expensive set if you think it's needed."

When I read this, I took it that we no longer had to keep it strictly a confinement thriller, that the bigger budget, speacial effects, and expensive set would mean we could expand outside the grounds of confinement. I was surprised when I saw that most of the entries were still pretty much based on confinement. Was I wrong? Did anyone else think the same thing?

Confinement is confinement, but the difference between a phone booth and a big jetliner is soley dependent on budget.

Cabin Fever is a good example of low budget confinement. Panic Room also, but because of the attachments is was a big budget.

I think for the most part, many of the submissions didn't follow a confinement structure in the sense that it should be almost all of the film in one location except for the set up and possible ending and the lead being trapped either physically or otherwise, as in the case of most confinement films.

The confession one has promise but I felt couldn't be done in one location and there wasn't a sense of someone trapped-- a key element for the genre..

The southern mansion story works well, but because of the recent financial fizzle of Skeleton Key, I feel it isn't marketable at this time. But then again, presenting it as a Misery meets Skeleton Key may be appealing to a producer.

I could point out problems in almost all the submissions, but I'll wait till the comp is over and send all of you my personal summary and advice.

Still though. A tough task and you all did great.

[Annabanana]

Rainy Night, how about replacing the hurricane with a tornado and making the location somewhere that tornados usually don't strike (like NYC)? Having a massive tornado strike NY and having people stuck on the roof of NYU hospital or something would make for some awesome footage.

[Rainy Night]

Rainy Night, how about replacing the hurricane with a tornado and making the location somewhere that tornados usually don't strike (like NYC)? Having a massive tornado strike NY and having people stuck on the roof of NYU hospital or something would make for some awesome footage.

I don't know if a tornado is something that would shut down a hospital or last long enough to keep the characters confined for the time period needed for the action to take place. I felt I needed something on a grand scale, like a hurricane.



My choice of city probably could have been better.

[Aldenard]

Wow, someone actually voted for Purgatory?!? I wrote that one, and I'm disgraced to say it. In my mind, it was very well done, I even had a deep backstory for each character planned, and the ending was going to be different. (The main character killing himself was a cop out because i ran out of room) I was (and still am) so busy at the time, though, I did not have time to fully flesh the story out on paper, so I essentially slapped a buncha crap together and submitted it. I was too ashamed to even vote. I'm surprised someone voted for it.