Discuss Tasks 1 & 2 Here.

YEAH!

The day is finally here! We can discuss!

I also thought everyone did a fine job. However, I'm still going through each of them and writing down my thoughts-will post later.

I'm really curious to know who wrote what, speak up!

I wrote CAGED.

Steph

P.S Had to delete my favorites, didn't know if I was supposed to tell.

The following comments on the Task 1 entries are an expression of my personal opinion, and nothing else. I'm not claiming I'm right, I'm just saying how each entry struck me.

1. Dead Line

Mine. I like Noir. Not everyone does. Too bad for me.

2. Regret

I liked the use of the topic, but... couple of things turned me off slightly. The TV reporter and Spokesman quickly became "talking heads" which has high static/boredom factor. And if I were watching the film, I'm not sure whether I would have picked up on the TV date flashbacks. The live action, such as it is, is described in big chunky paragraphs that my typing fingers itched to trim to half their size; I would have appreciated a lighter touch. The Old Man and Old Woman seem superfluous, apparently their only role is to draw further attention to the fact The Man is Miles Truett. I would have bet cash that Truett had a gun in that briefcase... and with this suspicion in mind his shooting the scientist then himself as some kind of guilty conscience blowback came as no surprise.

3. Dead End Jobs

Had its funny moments. The Counselor scene was amusing but (V.O.)s bore the heck out of me, you could easily have paired Seth with a buddy or an unwilling geek male or grungy female classmate to give him someone to talk to instead. I'm just saying.

4. Family Of Man

Not bad at all, an entertaining read, dialogue seemed natural, story and characters have appeal. This was a close contender for my one and only vote.

5. The Cat From Cahaba

Nicely done, Clive Cussler meets the X-Files and gives us a mystery within a mystery. Trivial thought, I'd insert an EXT. of the Mariner's Museum before you go INT. the laboratory, so we know where we are. This one got my vote, I want to watch the damn film.

6. Fresh Blood, Old Books

Interesting read, held my attention, reminded me of The Saint but in a good way, no insult intended. I felt The Figure's talking to himself was a tad corny, switch off the dialogue and the assassination would be a tighter, more thrilling sequence that speaks for itself. Just when the dialogue between the three men was becoming stuffy the phone rings, good timing! A close contender for my one and only vote.

7. Extinct

This was shaping up nicely as some kind of escaped monster mystery, then it slapped me in the face and laughed at me for wasting my time. Boo.

8. The Tarzan Project

Entertaining read, tho' the unbelievable scenario requires a "don't analyze, just switch off your brain" mindset that seems more suited to a less serious subject. Finishing on Barrie and Jackie made me think this was a short, the scene had that kind of "epilog" feel about it, but TO BE CONTINUED suggests otherwise. Huh. Anyways, like I say, entertaining read.

9. 21st Century Yenta

Easy read. Comes across as social drama or high level soap opera that would maybe suit a mature actress who's worked with Anthony Hopkins in the past, rather than a romcom (so far, anyway). Some nice dialogue and not unpleasant characters, tho' they soon began to blur. The Ruby/Scott/bedroom scene just cuts off without even a glimpse of Scott's disappointment; I guess he'll have to get himself up and dressed and wheel himself out of the building. I didn't know what I was supposed to feel about Ruby, she's too focused and cold for my tastes.

10. The Naked Ape

Lots happening here, and it's quite entertaining. Takes a bizarre turn however after John's kidnapping (and I'm wondering how on earth Duke and Indian could have spirited him away after kicking off a bomb alert). I could understand the zoo exhibit stuff if they'd superglued him into a gorilla costume, or if the onlookers were scientists instead of what seems to be ordinary families visiting the zoo. So the setup unsettles me, but I did like the writing.

11. The Graveyard Of The Atlantic

Intriguing, kept me reading. However, Michael and Helen's reactions to the cat's age seemed overdone, even silly... it would perhaps be more realistic if they humored the old guy and assumed, as I did, that the Cassie on the Monitor and the Cassie on the Carrol A. Deering are simply different cats. Instead, they swallow this as if it has to be true. Different if Carroll caught them by surprise but they recovered and realized this can't be for real, or if they were humoring Carroll so he'd keep talking, but they appear very serious. Which unfortunately lowered believability and enjoyment levels.

12. Cancer Blows

Interesting setup. Good dialogue. I laughed out loud at "Comanche." Good hook on the final page, how is Duke gonna arrange sex for an underage kid? This was a close contender for my one and only vote. Damn those mini-slugs that format incorrectly as if they're character names! ;-)

13. Caged

Pretty funny. A close contender for my one and only vote.

...Only got until the 8th to complete Task 2! Better get writing!

-Derek
Derek's Web Page - stories, screenplays, novels, insanity.

I don't have time to go into all of them now (I'm about to go to bed - it's now past midnight here!) but the one that I liked best was 'The Cat from Cahuna'.

Bits of it really annoyed me, though, and I was itching to rewrite it. However, I think that's a good sign - it's the one that I really WANTED to see the movie for.

The things that annoyed me about it were:
* The starting scene on the boat was very dialogue heavy - and really didn't make sense that he'd put the cat in the gun. Apart from somebody announcing that a black cat was good luck, I'd rather see FRANCIS care for the cat, empathise with his caring and his struggle to save the cat, then hear a lot of dialogue in the middle of a storm. Basically I want to feel an emotion - and as it was written, I didn't really care what they did with the cat.

* And then have somebody tell me that everyone wanted to know about the fate of the cat, instead of seeing everyone's interest (eg: In a press conference) seemed a bit 3rd hand.

Just a thought: A snippet of a press conference where we see everyone's interest in the cat just before we go into the laboratory could give a lot of background very easily, and meet avoid Derek's need for an EXT. of the Mariner's Museum before you the INT. of the laboratory, so we know where we are.

* And the inevitable 'ex-wife coincidentally is working as my opposition on the exact same project' was off putting. There could have been a reference to the fact that she was put on this project solely because of her connection to him, or something.

But this one did get my vote. I want to see the movie !!

Mac

My favorite was DEAD END JOBS. It had great pacing, snappy dialogue, a strong protagonist, and was easily relatable. It works well as a short but also has feature potential. It made me laugh and kept my attention the whole way through. Well done, Green Chair.

Okay, since everyone else is posting their favorites I guess it's alright for me to.

My favorite was "The Cat from Cahabra". Good job Rainy Night! A lot of good things going on. I am very interested in seeing where this one goes! The only thing that bugs me, was that Allison and Tom kept repeating each other's name in their dialogue. It became annoying after awhile. But other than that, very good.

Close contenders were...DEADLINE and THE GRAVEYARD OF THE ATLANTIC. It was a very tough call, but you all had great ideas! Again, I'll post my thoughts later.

Steph

My three favorites were DEAD END JOBS, FAMILY OF MAN and CAGED. It was a tough call, but I finally voted for CAGED.

ac

I voted for Dead Line. I love Noir, and Dpat nailed it.

Joe Calabrese said:

Rather than turning into a script admiration society, how about we tell the writers what didn't work and why we didn't pick them?

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I was going to do a simple "what I liked/what I didn't like" note about each entry when I got the chance.

ac

Hello everybody!


I voted in the contest even though I’m not a screenwriter and have never even visited this part of the Forum until now.

I think reading screenplays is good for any writer regardless if it’s their chosen field of endeavor or not, because screenplays still follow the same rules as any fiction: characterization, dialogue, conflict, resolution etc.

Plus, I’ve studied a few screenplays in the past because they have certain characterisitics that I think a good writer should have a grasp of. They condense a lot of story into as few words as possible, meaning less description and exposition and more power to the punch when you do use them. They seem to rely even more on the telling detail to show what’s going on around the characters. They also place more emphasis on dialogue and less on exposition etc. to move a story and so can show a writer how to use dialogue to move a story along, to show greater depth into a character, to initiate, resolve and even deepen conflict etc. Plus they’re great for seeing how subtext can be used to good effect in a story.

I viewed this as a mental exercise for me, another part of my journey as I learn to craft a good story.

I’m always hesitant to give any kind of input on a piece because many writers are very sensitive to criticism. I’m wondering if it might’ve been easier if they’d remained anonymous. The reason being that even though people are trying to be helpful with their comments, once your name is on it in public and someone says anything negative about it, you can’t help but feel a sting. To me, it’s kinda like if you’re in a crowded room and someone yells: “Hey, you’ve got a booger hanging out your nose!!” Yeah, they were only trying to help you but you can’t help but feel: “Bastard! Now everyone knows I’ve got a booger hanging out my nose!”

So please remember once again, that I’m only viewing this as a mental exercise and thinking about what I would have done. Any comments I make are about the story and not the writer. If anybody differs with my thoughts, I’d love to hear it because I like talking about structure and what makes a story work and what doesn’t.

I just want to clarify what a hook is first. My impression is that it’s not just a beginning but something in the beginning, whether a character or a plot point, that will make the reader (viewer) want to continue reading (or viewing.)

Something that arouses the viewers curiosity and makes them want more.

In order to see how far off the mark I am I’d like to give some comments on the first entry as an example,

I thought it was very well written and I definitely I liked the style but thought the story itself had a few flaws that weakened it:

1. Johnny shooting the guy off the bat came across as cold and unnecessary, not to mention unrealistic – I mean, c’mon , the BG never even said a word! I could see if there was a big drug deal going down with rival parties, armed and wary, and there were mllions of dollars in cash and drugs at hand and everybody’s nerves were on edge, then maybe I could see a person shooting somebody for putting their hand in their jacket. But not to shoot a guy in cold blood who walked into your place of business (unless there’s some serious backstory where somebody is trying to kill Johhny but then you have to give some indication) and then have the main character not feel a shred of guilt or even give a second thought about it afterward (especially when he realizes that he’s killed an unarmed, innocent man by mistake.)

Not a good way to create a sympathetic character that the viewer will rally behind and follow the length of a movie. If maybe the Biggest Guy had come in and threatened him in some way...

I think it’s important to create a sympathetic main character, not necessarily nice or goody-two-shoes, but craft him in a way that the viewer can relate and understand why he’s acting that way and root for him and become willing to watch him get through his adventure/ordeal. Also it’s important to make the character believeable.

2. It was kinda cliché-ridden. There really wasn’t anything new or refreshing to make a viewer think: “Hmmm, here’s something different.”

Now if maybe the guy had walked in asking repeatedly if he was Johnny Kruger, smiling all the while unconvincingly and arousing Johhny’s suspicions etc. then tried to attack Johhny, and THEN Johhny killed him etc.

Then while Johhny’s waiting for the police to arrive, he gets the guy’s ID and finds he has ID in Johhny’s name! All the info is Johhny’s (credit cards, driver's license, P.I. license etc) except the photos. AND he discovers the guy has pictures of his estranged wife and daughter on him too and when he calls them to find out if they’re OK, there’s no answer. This would give more credibilility to Johnny wanting to get away so bad when the police arrive, but even more important, make the viewer want to watch to find out what the hell is going on and make the viewer sympathize with and want to root for Johnny.

Why’d this guy try to kill Johhny? Why was he carrying ID showing him to be Johnny? Who was that guy? Is Johhny’s wife and daughter OK? What’s going on?

Then, when Johnny escapes, he’s cut off by a car pulling up, tires screeching – it’s the dame!!! With a gun pointing at Johhny and saying “Get in the car.”

In my opinion, that would’ve been a hook to make a director (or whoever) want to read more. So am I off the mark here or is this the type of stuff we talk about when we discuss scripts?

I had a hard time choosing between three entries. It's a good pool of entrants. I figured it would be easy with only 13 to choose from-- but no. I wound up choosing "Cancer Blows," with my one criticism being that the boy's age should be bumped up by a year or two to keep it from being totally creepy. Oh, and the title doesn't work.

Until I got to that one, I thought I was voting for #1. Great style. Wanted to read more. But I wasn't sure how original it was-- that would depend on the rest of the script. In the end, originality was how I made the decision. I thought both were very well-written.

Let me just first say, that I thought everyone did a good job. Some may need more work than others, but overall, they were all great ideas. To me the most interesting part was seeing the different ideas everyone came up with based on the just the three articles. You guys did great.

TITLE: DEADLINE

I wasn't sure if I liked Deadline until the very ending, when the woman hung up. It was a great hook and I would read more definitely, however there were some things that nagged me.

IN THE STYLE OF THE 1930s.-right away I had to say "huh?"

This would be a good place for a SUPER.
SUPERIMPOSE: July 1930 -Simple.

Also I thought the part with the detective was a little off. If the detective knew what Johnny was up to, why didn't he take him down. What does Johnny have over him, that he would let him get away with murder? IMO I think this part could of been left out for the sake of suspense. Knowing what the detective doesn't gives the audience sort of an upper hand.

TITLE: REGRET

I found it hard to read all the way through. However I did finish it, and there were a lot of things that added up.
First, none of the character's had names. They were all A MAN, A WOMAN, an OLD WOMAN, an OLD MAN, I wasn't sure who the main character is or where to focus my attention. The dialogue was too long and on the nose. The REPORTER seemed to be there just for the fact of getting out the story and nothing more.

Alot of "SEENs and HEARDs", " A MAN is seen on his knees in front of the toilet, sobbing quietly."

I thought this could of been cut down a lot. A lot of things that weren't really necessary to the story. For example the actions where the MAN walks down the hall, down the stairs, out the door to his car, opens the car door, throws in his brief case and gets in." We don't need to see EVERY action of the man going to his car. Just a simple... The MAN approaches his car and gets in.
What kept me from liking this story was that I was taken out of the read many times, I wasn't quite sure where the story was heading and what the next ten pages would offer any different.

TITLE: DEAD END JOBS
I thought this was funny, but not terribly funny. The only thing that didn't make sense is that Seth is trying to find a less dangerous job, thinking of all kinds of things that could possibly happen, then when the Counselor suggests a pilot, Seth says
SETH Expensive and dangerous. I like the sounds of that. My dad's paying, you know.
And then he goes on to say. He wants the most dangerous stuff.
Does he or does he not want a dangerous job? The reason I didn't choose this one, is because it left me confused. It was inconsistant.

FAMILY OF MAN

I really like this story. TOKAFOY's character really stood out, and was easy to visualize. I thought the dialogue was great.
There was only one thing that caught my attention. When the armed men came out to shoot the elephant. This to me, wasn't realistic. At a normal zoo, an elephant wouldn't be shot right there in front of customers. At worst the elephant would be taken out and put to sleep. Of course there wouldn't be a story without it. But perhaps instead of the men and guns, you could have someone leading the elephant out to be put to sleep, then Tokafoy steps up. Just my thoughts.

THE CAT FROM CAHABA

A lot of good visuals in this story. I expecially liked the begining with the cat being under everyone's feet as they bail out the water. The dialogue was great, the conflict was clear, and I was definitly hooked.
Just one thing that bothered me. In Allison and Tom's dialogue you kept repeating their names. For example:

TOM Okay, the Office of Homeland Insecurity. What can I do for you, Allison.

ALLISON Be nice, Tom. I'm looking for a cat. A cat that is supposed to be at the bottom of one of your cannons. Granted this is the first lines they speak to each other, but it continues to the point of annoyance after awhile.

FRESH BLOOD, OLD BOOKS.

This was an interesting story. It ranged up there with my favorites. The things I didn't like about it, was the FIGURE speaking to himself. It kind of took the mystery out of him. I also didn't like the add in with the Naked Woman and Naked Man, I wasn't sure what this had to do with the story, it was a bit off.

EXTINCT:

This just wasn't my type of story. Their were definitly a few things that grabbed me. But I didn't fully understand what was so bad about the DEMOCRATS and why they were so dangerous. I wanted to know more within the ten pages that would help me understand what was really going on.

THE TARZAN PROJECT:

The main thing that bothered me about this story is that I didn't see a clear protagonist. I didn't like the professor at all. What kind of man would cage a pair of twins with gorillas and hope for them to mate? That is just inhumane and unethical. And as for the boys' parents, they seem to care more about getting more money rather than their sons. No one really seems to care about the boys welfare except for the protestors, but none of them stood out to me like the hero in all of this.

THE 21st CENTURY YENTA

I found this story to be cliche. It's a story told a hundred times before. The wedding planner or the bride's maid who has been to wedding after wedding watching everyone else get married and live happily ever after, and getting nothing in return. UNTIL, she meets prince charming, they fall in love, there are some bumps along the way then BOOM, she finds herself finally at her own wedding. I didn't see anything new that I haven't seen before in this kind of story.

THE NAKED APE:

I thought this was a little funny. Some good visuals. I liked how this evolved, although I didn't like the scene on the subway, I thought it was a bit forced.

THE GRAVEYARD OF THE ATLANTIC

This was one of my favorites. I thought it read nicely and had good visuals, along with pretty good dialogue. The only thing that bothered me in this story was ( I think someone else mentioned this) that Helen and Micheal's reaction was too quick to believe the old man's story. Tough call.

CANCER BLOWS
The whole time I was reading this story I kept saying in my mind, "what is it, what's he want?" I was expecting something really BIG. I really wasn't sure what, but I really didn't expect it to be what it is. I had the same thoughts as someone else. I thought 14 years old might be a little too young for this role. If he was like 17, it would be more acceptable. I also didn't like this title.

Well there you have it, my thoughts. I hope that all of you continue to work on these pages, in hopes of turning it into a full script, they were all great ideas. Please don't feel discouraged by my words, it has no bearings on what other people thought or felt. It's just one opinion among many. GOOD LUCK ON TASK 2!

Steph

That will be another 5 cents please

Thanks all for your thoughts, comments, suggestions & votes for Dead Line, much appreciated.

Some interesting takes thus far.

I'm not trying to defend my poor choices. What I set out to do was paint a flawed character who makes mistakes... but shows maybe just a teeny little bit of remorse ("Been hitting it pretty hard, ace." "It isn't every night I kill a man.") just so we know he's human.

What was Johnny up to tonight before he came back to his office? Sheesh, who the heck goes outside on a wet night like this anyway? To be revealed... then maybe we'll understand why Johnny shoots first and asks questions later.

I fear that dumping all this into the first 10 pages would prove indecently hasty when I've got another 90 pages to fill! The questions that have been asked are the questions I expected might be asked, only I was kinda hoping they'd arouse curiosity rather than turn readers off. Rest assured that all will be revealed, fingers crossed. Oh, and Detective Novella isn't finished with his brother-in-law just yet.

Thanks again,

-Derek
Derek's Web Page - stories, screenplays, novels, insanity.

Jenna, thanks for your thoughts on #1, and I understand why Cancer Blows got your vote. There were too many readable, interesting entries to choose from.

-Derek
Derek's Web Page - stories, screenplays, novels, insanity.

My Two favorites

were Deadline and Caged.

I thought these two had the most story development happening in the first ten pages, set up the strongest hooks, and were the most technically correct. I was more interested in the characters and could "see" the movie.

It was a tough choice. I found Caged to have more humour and the writing style just appealed to me a bit more.

Sorry I don't have time to comment on the others.
I did enjoy them though, they were all good, working scripts.
Very fun to see what everyone did with the various topics.

Oops. Mac and I posted our thoughts in the wrong thread. Sorry! And I forgot to mention my third contender, which was the Yenta story. Again, I thought it was well-written and cinematic. Again, it was the "originality" factor that I wasn't sure about. As soon as we found out she's a modern-day matchmaker, I immediately figured that it was going to be about how she can't find a love of her own.

But seriously, a lot of strong writing in these entries. Congrats to all on a job well done!

MacAllister said:

I voted for the Cat from Cahaba, because I thought the premise--hoary old chestnut that it is--was handled well. Also, I'm a sucker for a good time-travel story.

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Thanks for your vote and your comments they are appreciated.

Stephanie76 said:

THE CAT FROM CAHABA

A lot of good visuals in this story. I expecially liked the begining with the cat being under everyone's feet as they bail out the water. The dialogue was great, the conflict was clear, and I was definitly hooked.
Just one thing that bothered me. In Allison and Tom's dialogue you kept repeating their names. For example:

TOM Okay, the Office of Homeland Insecurity. What can I do for you, Allison.

ALLISON Be nice, Tom. I'm looking for a cat. A cat that is supposed to be at the bottom of one of your cannons. Granted this is the first lines they speak to each other, but it continues to the point of annoyance after awhile.

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Thanks for your comments Stephanie. I had the characters use each other's names like that because I wanted to show that they were familiar with each other, yet make the conversation a little formal to show that there was tension between them. I may have overdone it a bit.

Mac H. said:

I don't have time to go into all of them now (I'm about to go to bed - it's now past midnight here!) but the one that I liked best was 'The Cat from Cahuna'.

Bits of it really annoyed me, though, and I was itching to rewrite it. However, I think that's a good sign - it's the one that I really WANTED to see the movie for.

The things that annoyed me about it were:
* The starting scene on the boat was very dialogue heavy - and really didn't make sense that he'd put the cat in the gun. Apart from somebody announcing that a black cat was good luck, I'd rather see FRANCIS care for the cat, empathise with his caring and his struggle to save the cat, then hear a lot of dialogue in the middle of a storm. Basically I want to feel an emotion - and as it was written, I didn't really care what they did with the cat.

* And then have somebody tell me that everyone wanted to know about the fate of the cat, instead of seeing everyone's interest (eg: In a press conference) seemed a bit 3rd hand.

Just a thought: A snippet of a press conference where we see everyone's interest in the cat just before we go into the laboratory could give a lot of background very easily, and meet avoid Derek's need for an EXT. of the Mariner's Museum before you the INT. of the laboratory, so we know where we are.

* And the inevitable 'ex-wife coincidentally is working as my opposition on the exact same project' was off putting. There could have been a reference to the fact that she was put on this project solely because of her connection to him, or something.

But this one did get my vote. I want to see the movie !!

Mac

Click to expand...

Thanks for the vote and your comments. I did a lot of reading on the Monitor and when I started the first scene I got to about 5 pages and realized that it was way to much, I re-wrote it to 3 pages and then cut a page more. Originally I had more involvement with the cat and the crew.



On the third page of the script Tom and Andy discuss the press conference and how every school kid wants to know what happened to the cat.



The story line with the ex-wife develops more as the story goes on. When I write the rest of the script you will discover that she is on the project because of her connection to him, and that it does relate to their marriage.



Thanks again for your comments. Let me know if you have any more, this is all really helpful.

dpaterso said:

5. The Cat From Cahaba

Nicely done, Clive Cussler meets the X-Files and gives us a mystery within a mystery. Trivial thought, I'd insert an EXT. of the Mariner's Museum before you go INT. the laboratory, so we know where we are.

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Thanks for the comments, you've sure put me in some good company. I had thought about a EXT shot but went long on pages. I felt that may be a directors call and left it out.