Wanted Ads for Deities

[Ruv Draba]

It seems to me that we most often evaluate deities by their likelihood of being real -- the presumption being that if they're real we have to worship them, if they're not we shouldn't.

I'm not sure why, but we seldom treat deity-relationships the way we do employment relationships or singles advertisements: saying this is what I want, and if you can meet those criteria then you're the deity for me.

I'm interested in your criteria for deities you think are worthy of your devotion, regardless of whether you think they exist. Whether they're serious or frivolous, please post your Deity Wanted ads here.

[Rufus Coppertop]

Situation vacant for a competent sky god. The applicant should have extensive experience in bringing rain when required, finding lost sheep, smiting Amalekites and assisting women with painless childbirth. Hailstorm prevention a definite must! Omnipotence will be considered a definite advantage. Salary will be burnt offerings upon a high place the frequency of which, by negotiation, will be commensurate with deity's competence. Applicant may respond via dreamsign care of Caiaphus Ben Jackson, priest of Midian. Applications close on the new moon, next month of Ethanim. Altar provided. Applicant must have own angels.

[Ruv Draba]

Help Wanted: God of Writing Muses. Get in on the ground floor with this upcoming author. Casual hours and night-shifts, with frequent libatory benefits. Fluent English preferred, but living language essential. Discorporation or other material disability no impediment, however worshipper is atheistic, so strong communication skills a must! Respond with resume, references, original writing sample and publication/award/citation lists or audited circulations to the address supplied.

[Bartholomew]

Looking for earth deity (preferably female) to occasionally make things I plant not die.

[Drice]

Dear God,
Thank you for not damning me to an eternity or two in hell. I know. I know. It was unfaithful of me for even considering the placement of that want ad. Yes. Even more unfaithful for assuming that you didn't already know what it might have said. Yes. Presumptuous of me to think that I could even consider myself capable of judging the merits of your application were you to deem it worthwhile to even respond had I placed said ad. Uh huh. I do know, to the extent of my abilities, the meaning of omnipotent, omnipresent and omniscient. Sorry. Won't happen again.

True believer.

P.S. I know you'd show, not tell, if you deemed it and/or me worthy.

[Ruv Draba]

Wanted: underworld plant deity for prank on horticultural AW colleague with black thumbs. Must be DTE with GSOH.

[AMCrenshaw]

What caught the big bang in its palms? That being may be my god.

[Ruv Draba]

Wanted: Deity who sold the soap to the deity who caught the Big Bang in its palms, to assist in facilitating multibook deal. Restart your career as a major world divinity while I restart mine as a middle-aged author. Any gender, neuters and transcendentals welcome.

[AMCrenshaw]

:D
Wanted: deity who creates life on other planets through the magic of Twitter.

[dclary]

Missed Connections:

You were the deity in the coffee shop on 7th and Adams, drinking the iced macchiato without a straw. I was the pedestrian who lost a leg when a car clipped me trying to run a dead red light during rush hour.

Not a big deal to you, a god with lots on your mind, but I was bleeding to death, dude. A little attention, maybe some healing mojo? It wouldn't have been too much.

I want to give you... us a second chance. I'm at St. Josephs in the ICU. The doctors say I'll never walk again. What do you say?

[Ruv Draba]

Wanted: God of Mercy we went to war over. Dude, we won! Where R U???

[Rufus Coppertop]

Wanted:

Deity for the oracle at Ekron.

Applicant should demonstrate advanced skills at calligraphy, using blowfly swarms to write messages in the sky. Experience preferred. Remuneration will be myrrh fumes and burnt offerings weekly. Quantity negotiable. All applications considered.

[Melisande]

Wanted!

Deity to put an end to all wars about who 'the' Deity is.

Requirements;
Age doesn't matter, neither does race or origin. Will consider anyone who is able to prove some kind of resemblance to revelations presented in known legends.

Work description;
Punch in, show up and report in person when prayed to.