I’m writing a romantic women’s fiction novel that is mostly serious but with a few light touches.
I think I have a problem differentiating between what is silly and funny.
For example, I’ve pasted below the first dialogue between my hero and heroine in which they’re outright flirting. Takes place soon after they meet.
I tried to make it sound amusing and lighthearted but I fear instead it just sounds silly and unreal.
Please give your honest opinion of how good or bad it is. Can it be improved or salvaged or should I rewrite the whole thing to be more serious?
Thanks for any feedback. Please be brutal.
So here it is:
"I run a lingerie boutique," she said, trying to elicit a career confession in exchange.
"I know. Nikki's Nifty Knickers, right?"
"Nikki's Naughty Nighties," she corrected. “You’ve no idea how many immature men think they’re being hilarious when they make fun of my business. It gets old.”
“Well, you can’t really blame them. It’s too good to resist. Almost as inviting as your Nikki's Tempting Teddies and Nikki's Thrilling Thongs."
“You’re familiar with my lingerie lines? I’d never have guessed.”
"Sure. Your lingerie has often been a godsend to me."
“I’m sure the Kinky Corsets and Peekaboo Panties look great on you.” She had a sudden disturbing image of him in underwear. Male underwear, of course. Perhaps she should start a new line for men.
"I had a girlfriend who was a huge fan. Have you considered starting a line of edible Tasty Teddies? Men would eat that up."
"There's a thought. So you live in L.A. too?
"I do. I recommended your shop to all my friends looking for presents to buy their girlfriends. Of course gifting a woman lingerie is really a present to oneself."
Did men who were on a spiritual quest usually talk like that, Nikki wondered, and to a virtual stranger?
It was time to remind him that his mind should be on a higher plane. "So how's your search going?"
His amused expression vanished and he looked guarded. "Search?"
"The search for something beyond, something that transcends underwear and sex."
She immediately regretted mentioning. As if he needed any encouragement.
"There is nothing higher than sex," he assured her, the amused note back in his voice.
"For someone who came to India seeking spirituality, you don't seem to have made much progress."
"Hey, spirituality and sex aren't mutually exclusive. Haven't you read the Kama Sutra?"
"No."
"Seriously?"
"When I was a kid, my father considered it a dirty book. When I hit my teens, I suspected it wouldn't be dirty enough for my tastes. By the time I was an adult, I decided doing was better than reading.”
"You don't know what you're missing. It helps you do so much better."
“I’ve had no complaints so far.”
“I’ll bet you haven’t. A man would be lucky to have you in his…sights.”
"A man would be lucky to have me anywhere within a five-mile radius. But I have to unpack now, so if you'll excuse me..." Nikki shrugged what she hoped was a dismissive shoulder and beat what she hoped was a dignified retreat.
I think I have a problem differentiating between what is silly and funny.
For example, I’ve pasted below the first dialogue between my hero and heroine in which they’re outright flirting. Takes place soon after they meet.
I tried to make it sound amusing and lighthearted but I fear instead it just sounds silly and unreal.
Please give your honest opinion of how good or bad it is. Can it be improved or salvaged or should I rewrite the whole thing to be more serious?
Thanks for any feedback. Please be brutal.
So here it is:
"I run a lingerie boutique," she said, trying to elicit a career confession in exchange.
"I know. Nikki's Nifty Knickers, right?"
"Nikki's Naughty Nighties," she corrected. “You’ve no idea how many immature men think they’re being hilarious when they make fun of my business. It gets old.”
“Well, you can’t really blame them. It’s too good to resist. Almost as inviting as your Nikki's Tempting Teddies and Nikki's Thrilling Thongs."
“You’re familiar with my lingerie lines? I’d never have guessed.”
"Sure. Your lingerie has often been a godsend to me."
“I’m sure the Kinky Corsets and Peekaboo Panties look great on you.” She had a sudden disturbing image of him in underwear. Male underwear, of course. Perhaps she should start a new line for men.
"I had a girlfriend who was a huge fan. Have you considered starting a line of edible Tasty Teddies? Men would eat that up."
"There's a thought. So you live in L.A. too?
"I do. I recommended your shop to all my friends looking for presents to buy their girlfriends. Of course gifting a woman lingerie is really a present to oneself."
Did men who were on a spiritual quest usually talk like that, Nikki wondered, and to a virtual stranger?
It was time to remind him that his mind should be on a higher plane. "So how's your search going?"
His amused expression vanished and he looked guarded. "Search?"
"The search for something beyond, something that transcends underwear and sex."
She immediately regretted mentioning. As if he needed any encouragement.
"There is nothing higher than sex," he assured her, the amused note back in his voice.
"For someone who came to India seeking spirituality, you don't seem to have made much progress."
"Hey, spirituality and sex aren't mutually exclusive. Haven't you read the Kama Sutra?"
"No."
"Seriously?"
"When I was a kid, my father considered it a dirty book. When I hit my teens, I suspected it wouldn't be dirty enough for my tastes. By the time I was an adult, I decided doing was better than reading.”
"You don't know what you're missing. It helps you do so much better."
“I’ve had no complaints so far.”
“I’ll bet you haven’t. A man would be lucky to have you in his…sights.”
"A man would be lucky to have me anywhere within a five-mile radius. But I have to unpack now, so if you'll excuse me..." Nikki shrugged what she hoped was a dismissive shoulder and beat what she hoped was a dignified retreat.
