Attitude or my Mae West Moment...

Synonym · Aug 25, 2010

A discussion in the Bordello sparked some brain cells today. Mostly about self-perception and how we can do such a good job of guaranteeing defeat when we really want victory. Especially women...we're pretty damned good at it.

Ninety-five percent of the time I feel unremarkable--over fifty, a few nagging aches and pains, and bleh...fat. But, the more we talked the more I realized that not one of us was very happy with our self-images. We all focused on the bad points and nodded and agreed until one of the guys piped up with a reprimand. Basically it was, 'shut up and focus on your good points'. LOL Easier said than done, but I got it.

I tried to think about any time I'd gone out lately feeling confident and worthy of a second look. (That's where the five percent comes into play.)

Let's call it a "Mae West Moment".

I had one of those about a year ago. Say I'm getting ready to go out and I'm in front of the mirror doing the best I can with what God gave me.

"Hmmm. That's not too bad."

The uber-critical cynic is still there. You'll never be able to claim you're ten years younger than you really are. Yeah, that's true. You've certainly managed to get lazy about that weight-loss you planned. Right again. But, somewhere in the middle of this discussion a mood strikes. It's hard to ignore--I recognize it immediately. Oh goody, Mae's here. Tonight is going to be one hell of a ride.

When Mae comes calling I'm bullet-proof. So what if I'm older? So what if I'm too curvy? I've got experience. I've got a wicked sense of humor. I can be smexy and interesting. I could make somebody damned glad they happened to be in the right place at the right time. (well, I couldn't last year but, that's another story)

When Mae's along I walk differently. I smile and laugh a lot and I feel good. My whole attitude is different. I notice everything, especially the looks I'm getting in return. Yeah. The person that wasn't worth looking at twice that morning is interesting now...what's the reason? Attitude. It must give off pheromones or glow like a neon light. The difference is that startling, truly.

Granted, I couldn't stand myself if I had that chutzpah going 24/7 but I'd certainly like to figure out how to find it say, thirty percent of the time?

So, am I channeling or do any of you have a similar experience? Is it more of a special destination for you, or a new outfit or hell, I don't know...you tell me.

Guys? Do you experience a similar phenomenon? Or is it only the crazy ladies, in your opinion? Come on, you can tell me...ever feel like James Bond is along for the ride?

Ruth2 · Aug 25, 2010

Ha! Absolutely. There are times when I am so "on" it's unreal. I know I have "it", whatever "it" is. And other times? Dog shit is higher than I am. Really.

When I'm in France I feel like I'm in my element. Here? Not so much. Don't know why or how it works, but there I feel sexy and desirable.

Boston Steve · Aug 25, 2010

Synonym said:
A discussion in the Bordello sparked some brain cells today. Mostly about self-perception and how we can do such a good job of guaranteeing defeat when we really want victory. Especially women...we're pretty damned good at it.

Ninety-five percent of the time I feel unremarkable--over fifty, a few nagging aches and pains, and bleh...fat. But, the more we talked the more I realized that not one of us was very happy with our self-images. We all focused on the bad points and nodded and agreed until one of the guys piped up with a reprimand. Basically it was, 'shut up and focus on your good points'. LOL Easier said than done, but I got it.

I tried to think about any time I'd gone out lately feeling confident and worthy of a second look. (That's where the five percent comes into play.)

Let's call it a "Mae West Moment".

I had one of those about a year ago. Say I'm getting ready to go out and I'm in front of the mirror doing the best I can with what God gave me.

"Hmmm. That's not too bad."

The uber-critical cynic is still there. You'll never be able to claim you're ten years younger than you really are. Yeah, that's true. You've certainly managed to get lazy about that weight-loss you planned. Right again.But, somewhere in the middle of this discussion a mood strikes. It's hard to ignore--I recognize it immediately. Oh goody, Mae's here. Tonight is going to be one hell of a ride.

When Mae comes calling I'm bullet-proof. So what if I'm older? So what if I'm too curvy? I've got experience. I've got a wicked sense of humor. I can be smexy and interesting. I could make somebody damned glad they happened to be in the right place at the right time. (well, I couldn't last year but, that's another story)

When Mae's along I walk differently. I smile and laugh a lot and I feel good. My whole attitude is different. I notice everything, especially the looks I'm getting in return. Yeah. The person that wasn't worth looking at twice that morning is interesting now...what's the reason? Attitude. It must give off pheromones or glow like a neon light. The difference is that startling, truly.

Granted, I couldn't stand myself if I had that chutzpah going 24/7 but I'd certainly like to figure out how to find it say, thirty percent of the time?

So, am I channeling or do any of you have a similar experience? Is it more of a special destination for you, or a new outfit or hell, I don't know...you tell me.

Guys? Do you experience a similar phenomenon? Or is it only the crazy ladies, in your opinion? Come on, you can tell me...ever feel like James Bond is along for the ride?

This. A thousand times, this.

Confidence is Sexy. As. Hell.

I recommend wearing it often.

And yeah, it affects us too. Believe it or not, I was not always the wisecracking, confident, sexually secure dominant male you see before you. As a youngster I was painfully shy, and not at all secure around teh ladiez.

Now if I could just hook my 48yo attitude up with my long lost 24yo body. :tongue

Synonym · Aug 25, 2010

Hmmm. Maybe I need to visit France? And yeah, Steve. I wish the same thing. Youth is wasted on the young. LOL

Maxinquaye · Aug 25, 2010

I don't think anyone is immune to that Inner Critic that slags you off mercilessly (and often totally needlessly). But yeah, you also have the Inner Fan, and it's more important to listen to him (or her).

My Inner Fan is much more voluble these days, and my Inner Critic is smoking galouises in the basement without making too much noise. But like with Steve, I wish my 41 year old confidence artist could talk to the 24 year old insecure and scared little geek I used to be.

Synonym · Aug 25, 2010

Hmmm. Inner Fan. I like that...

*makes a note to steal it for later use*

kuwisdelu · Aug 25, 2010

Boston Steve said:
This. A thousand times, this.

Confidence is Sexy. As. Hell.

I recommend wearing it often.

And yeah, it affects us too. Believe it or not, I was not always the wisecracking, confident, sexually secure dominant male you see before you. As a youngster I was painfully shy, and not at all secure around teh ladiez.

Now if I could just hook my 48yo attitude up with my long lost 24yo body.

What he said.

And yeah, it happens to us, too.

Online? Yeah, I can be confident and secure.

In real life? I'm usually quiet and terrified of saying anything at all for fear of hatred and rejection.

And I've put on weight lately. I'm too fat, I dress weird, and I'm awkward.

Now, as Steve said, if only I could hook up my 20-year-old attitude with my 19-year-old body.

Synonym · Aug 25, 2010

Kuwi, you have an old soul. Really. It will get better, I promise.

Silver King · Aug 25, 2010

Synonym said:
I tried to think about any time I'd gone out lately feeling confident and worthy of a second look...

The thing about confidence is that it needs to be fed from an outside source. We can't just make believe we have it without affirmation or else we're simply being delusional.

Say for example you go to a cocktail lounge alone. The place is crowded. You're eager for someone to talk to, if only to pass the time. But after a while, you still find yourself alone at the bar without a passing word or glance. Why then, no amount of Mae West induced confidence is going to make you feel wonderful about yourself.

On the other hand, if someone stops by and strikes up a conversation, you immediately feel the uplift that feeds your confidence. He buys you a drink, and the upwelling continues to soar. After a time, you may realize he's genuinely interested in you or maybe he just wants to get laid. But either way, he wants you in one form or another, and that affirmation will bring wonders to self-esteem.

And keep in mind the way others view us is usually different than how we see ourselves. What we may interpret about self image, wrongly, others might see as part of the whole that makes us so wonderful to begin with.

That's been my experience, anyway.

scarletpeaches · Aug 25, 2010

Boston Steve said:
This. A thousand times, this.

Confidence is Sexy. As. Hell.

I recommend wearing it often.

And yeah, it affects us too. Believe it or not, I was not always the wisecracking, confident, sexually secure dominant male you see before you. As a youngster I was painfully shy, and not at all secure around teh ladiez.

Now if I could just hook my 48yo attitude up with my long lost 24yo body.

You don't honestly believe it's that easy, do you?

Hell, if it was, I wouldn't have been in the state I was earlier this evening.

SK's right. Confidence is dependent on others. If no-one pays you any attention, what the hell have you got to be confident about? It all comes from validation, and if you never get validated, well...you're delusional.

No amount of repetitious affirmation-chanting will make someone confident if they have no evidence to back up why they're so fabulous.

Synonym · Aug 25, 2010

There are some people who believe they're God's gift, I suspect it's innate--something in their makeup--and it's unshakable. Nothing seems to move them from that position. Possibly some of them did have a childhood filled with people who repeatedly told them they were perfect, I don't know. But I've met a few. I'd like to borrow just a little bit of that confidence. LOL

And SK's right. Someone else can certainly improve your attitude. I finally went out a couple of weeks ago with a friend and her husband, we had an okay evening. Nothing wild or spectacular. A couple of days later we talked and she mentioned 'that guy that was hitting on you'. I completely missed it, don't even remember who or when it happened. Perhaps I need to work on my perceptions too.

The other day I had to explain to a young man why women seem to only travel in packs, especially in a bar. He didn't grasp the societal pressure aspect until I pointed out how a single woman, in a bar, is generally assumed to be there hunting for a man. Of course, the whole pack is doing the same thing, but it's more seemly if you're there with friends. Society puts a lot of restrictions on us, unnecessarily IMHO.

Silent Rob · Aug 26, 2010

Confidence is a funny thing and I don't know if the outward manifestation of it is always truly indicative of what's going on inside.

I understand the 'Mae West moment' - sometimes you're just in a certain mood and the right combination of factors have come together during the day and you feel like you could do pretty much anything ( I was going to write 'anyone' there, for the funnies, but I'm actually being serious, so I didn't). That's a great thing and it's natural and unforced and probably all the more attractive because of it.

But for every person having their 'Mae West moment', there's probably twenty others trying to make themselves feel better by talking the talk and walking the walk. At the end of the day, it's all about how different people deal with their insecurities. Because I think, at a basic level, most people are insecure about something.

My point is this: I don't think you can switch on the 'Mae West moment'. But I guess if you do something positive about your insecurities rather than try to paste over them with bullshit, you'll probably find the Mae West thing happens more often, whether that's through some internal mechanism or the increased validation from others.

Sorry to ramble. I'm not a lurker here, by the way. I arrived through a portal Syn set up in Office Party.

Boston Steve · Aug 26, 2010

Syn set up a way for us to get fresh meat? SWEET!

And I don't (completely) agree that confidence is dependent on others. External validation can feed and nurture it, but there needs to be a kernel there to start with that comes from within.

At the end of the day it's about celebrating your Mae West moments, and telling your Inner Critic to go pound sand, and shifting the balance as a result, so that you're spending more time hanging out with Mae, and less time thinking no one in their right mind could possibly want you.

From the flip side, the reason why men who are married or gay are more attractive to women? Because they aren't oozing "OMG I really hope I get some tonight" desperation out of every pore.

Caitlin Black · Aug 26, 2010

I feel self-conscious all the damn time. Like, my teeth are crap, and I have too much belly.

I find, though, that sometimes I slip into a persona, where I'm the funny guy, or the charming guy, or hell, just the best option at the time. Sadly, these moments have a negative effect - whenever I feel that way, it's usually at the expense of others. Like, "Oh, I heard that guy's a 28 year old virgin. Ha-fucking-ha."

If only I could have confidence without comparing myself to people who lack what I (sometimes) possess, I'd feel a lot better about myself.

It shouldn't be a competition. Sadly, a lot of people I've known are quite happy with it being a competition...

As I get older I get a little more confident though... I'm still not in that place in my life where I want to start dating again (ugh, dating someone while unemployed and living with mum and sister... no thanks) but I now aren't really scared of approaching people I'm attracted to.

I think I'm also starting to be able to guage a situation a little better. Like, I can tell when it's just me who's attracted to someone, and she's not interested, and I can tell when *maybe* she'd be interested...

Somehow I think my confidence will sky-rocket once I get a job again... like, I'll be able to afford dental work, and I'll be able to rent a place or maybe even have a mortgage if I can work up enough of a downpayment, and I can buy an exercise bike and work off some of my fat...

And hopefully I'll have enough money left over for some minor dating.

One place I've always been confident (except the very first time) is in the bedroom. But then, I haven't even had sex since I put on this weight, so who knows?

Relationships on the other hand... well, let's just say that both of my actual relationships have ended with the first fight we had... I need to work on my ability to work things out in a diplomatic way... and not be so complacent that I just accept the end out of hand...

(And when I say I'm confident in the bedroom, I mean I've had no complaints, and in fact some praise... never been totally comfortable with my own body, but comfortable with other people's bodies? Hell yes.)

/ramble

Boston Steve · Aug 26, 2010

Coincidentally, this showed up in my inbox this morning. October 20 is the NOW's annual Love Your Body day.

Would you pose naked for it?

Synonym · Aug 26, 2010

The way they handled the photo? I could handle that...I think. Maybe.

SaraP · Aug 26, 2010

Silent Rob said:
At the end of the day, it's all about how different people deal with their insecurities. Because I think, at a basic level, most people are insecure about something.

Boston Steve said:
And I don't (completely) agree that confidence is dependent on others. External validation can feed and nurture it, but there needs to be a kernel there to start with that comes from within.

I think that the same way most people are insecure about something, they have that kernel inside. Part of what makes Mae West moments so thrilling is that you provide your own validation, instead of needing an outside source. And I think part of why people tend to gain confidence (or lose it) as they age is that in a way, it's like exercising a muscle. The more Mae West moments you have, the stronger they become, and more frequent.

Which leads to the question: how do you exercise it?

I know some of what works for me. Does it mean I'm confident all the time? Hell, no. It does mean I'm working on it - even if very slowly.

Boston Steve said:
Coincidentally, this showed up in my inbox this morning. October 20 is the NOW's annual Love Your Body day.

Would you pose naked for it?

With the right photographer, sure.

Satori1977 · Aug 26, 2010

I understand what you are saying. When I was younger, I didn't have a confident bone in my body. I was insecure about everything.

Now, I find myself feeling good about myself, even liking myself. I try to always compliment myself on who I am. That I am smart, funny, compassionate, a good wife and mother. I know these things to be true (though at times, I do feel worthless altogether, but those times are rare). Looks-wise, I don't feel that good. I might leave the house thinking I look decent, But never good anymore. I wish my confident persona was wrapped up in my boy ten years ago, when I know I looked so much better.

But the time, I didn't realize how good I looked. I was so insecure about everything. Now I wish I had it back. It seems like no matter how good you are, you will find a reason to beat yourself up.

quickWit · Aug 26, 2010

Boston Steve said:
Would you pose naked for it?

I thought you'd never ask.

*flexes glutes*

SHA-BANG!

Silver King · Aug 26, 2010

Boston Steve said:
...From the flip side, the reason why men who are married or gay are more attractive to women? Because they aren't oozing "OMG I really hope I get some tonight" desperation out of every pore.

This is very true and must be why I received more offers from women after I was married than before I became hitched. I used to think, Damn, where was all this attention when I was single?

Boston Steve said:
Coincidentally, this showed up in my inbox this morning. October 20 is the NOW's annual Love Your Body day.

Would you pose naked for it?

I wish they hadn't air brushed that image. They left in a few curves and retouched everything else it seems.

Silver King · Aug 26, 2010

By the way, if you've never been to the Jezebel website, you're missing a great section called photoshopofhorrors, where they reveal how some celebs and models appear before and after their images are retouched prior to publication. Worth checking out for a confidence boost.

Synonym · Aug 26, 2010

Desperation really isn't attractive, but, neither is begging. Which, now that I think about it, could be why I didn't remember the guy that hit on me.

When I read SK's post it sparked a memory from that night. I see a face full of desperate/hopeful/terrified. No wonder I dismissed it. Kudo's to him for trying but I know I need someone with a lot more backbone than that.

Oh, and that little bit of revelation is certainly no reflection on you SK. I don't want any misunderstandings. LOL

Somewhere is that fine balance of self-assurance with a little hint of availability. And backbone.

Silver King · Aug 26, 2010

Synonym said:
...Oh, and that little bit of revelation is certainly no reflection on you SK. I don't want any misunderstandings. LOL

Ha! I'm pretty sure you wouldn't have forgotten me, let alone been unsure of my intentions.

A guy I once knew told me the key to his success with women was to act indifferent toward them. He said it helped to set him apart from the rest of the men who were falling over themselves to get attention. He said, "And don't ever be the one to make the first pass. Let it be her idea, something she wants, and you'll always be ahead of the game."

This guy was just a regular Joe, not particularly handsome in any way. But man, did he ever attract attention from women, both married and single.

Synonym · Aug 26, 2010

After 'accidentally' bruising a few egos, I like to make sure there's no doubt about my ramblings. I've learned to use smileys very regularly in here.

Hmm. He had a point. I've known a few like that and it certainly worked to their advantage.

Silver King · Aug 26, 2010

Synonym said:
... I've learned to use smileys very regularly in here.

You should print a few of those and take them with you the next time you go bar hopping. Then when some scuzzy dude comes up and asks if you want to go home with him, you could whip out this one:

If he doesn't get the hint, you can always try this:

And if worse comes to worst, give him a load of this one: :evil

Eventually, he'll leave you alone.

Attitude or my Mae West Moment...

Synonym

Ruth2

Tam, na Koncu Drevoreda

Boston Steve

Synonym

Maxinquaye

That cheeky buggerer

Synonym

kuwisdelu

Revolutionize the World

Synonym

Silver King

Megalops Erectus

scarletpeaches

Synonym

Silent Rob

Riff-Raff

Boston Steve

Caitlin Black

Wild one

Boston Steve

Synonym

SaraP

You can't forget those you've loved

Satori1977

Listening to the Voices In My Head

quickWit

Totally Ninja!

Silver King

Megalops Erectus

Silver King

Megalops Erectus

Synonym

Silver King

Megalops Erectus

Synonym

Silver King

Megalops Erectus