Which First Sentence is Better?

Skye Jules · Jun 9, 2010

So lately I've been re-thinking the first sentence to my novel, and in my opinion, it's too long. I want to know what you guys think is the better first sentence:

Alice could have run, could have hidden amongst the forest surrounding Belhame where the trees would provide more security than where she was going.

Alice should have run and hidden [hid or hidden?] amongst the forest surrounding Belhame where the trees would provide more security than where she was going.

Alice should have run and hidden in the forest surrounding Belhame Village. The trees there would provide her more security than where she was going.

Also, feel free to re-work this sentence yourself. I'm at a loss.

Chris P · Jun 9, 2010

The second or the third. I use long sentences myself, so the second is comfortable, but that doesn't make it right.

Perhaps I'm being picky, but the tenses seemed off.

Skye Jules said:
Alice should have run and hidden [hid or hidden?] amongst the ~~forest~~trees ("among the trees" or "in the forest," you cannot be "among a forest") surrounding Belhame, where ~~the trees~~ she would have ~~provide~~ had more security than where she went. "Was going" might be appropriate. Hard to say without seeing the rest.

Alice should have run and hidden in the forest surrounding Belhame ~~Village~~. The trees there would have provided her more security than where she was going.

SWest · Jun 9, 2010

I'm sort of craving more tension...which shorter sentences and active verbs can provide.

Alice was going _________ ____________ .

She should be running into the forest surrounding Belhame Village. The trees there would provide her more security.

But she was going _________ ____________ .

Angela_785 · Jun 9, 2010

I feel like there's a missed opportunity to tell or hint at what she's running from or to. It's hard to know how much tension is going on--is she hiding from a parent doling out chores, a brother's wrath over a lost book, a serial killer, an army of undead, meat-eating slugs, etc?

Without know what she's running from, it's hard to know how upset we should be that she didn't hide in the woods. Could or should are words that don't give us a lot to work with or hint at the stakes.

Can you give us the opening situation to work with?

Danthia · Jun 9, 2010

I'd edit this way:

Alice should have run to the forest surrounding Belhame Village. The trees there would provide her more security than [say where she's going].

And then transition into whatever danger made her think she should have gone to the forest.

Julie Worth · Jun 9, 2010

I don't like any of them. They're all hypothetical.

Olleymae aka MBW · Jun 9, 2010

I think the third sentence read the easiest to me because of the short sentences.

I also love the ideas about dropping a few more hints to let us in on the why and where.

Thanks for sharing your opening lines with us!! I know they can be scarrrrrry.

Ryan_Sullivan · Jun 9, 2010

I like the first one. The "could" puts it in a nice tension between what happened and what could have happened. I don't like the judgement that "should" places in here.

EagerReader · Jun 9, 2010

I like the cadence and repetition in the first one, if you sort out the forest and tree thingy. Just swap them.

MissMacchiato · Jun 9, 2010

I like the 'could' have sentence - like Ryan says, it suggests that things might have been totally different (better, worse, just disparate) from how they turned out.

True · Jun 9, 2010

I'm voting for the first one too. To me, it also has a bit more voice, along with what Ryan and MissMacchiato pointed out.

Elizabeth Holloway · Jun 9, 2010

I like Danthia's edited version. Short sentences tend to convey tension better, imo.

Good Luck!

NightSky · Jun 10, 2010

I like the shortened version as well. The shorter the sentence the more immediate our response to it. I agree you could probably say more about what she's running from and what would happen to her if she was caught, but I also think it's not immediately necessary. I trust we'll hear about it within the first paragraph, page, chapter; that's all up to you.

Danthia · Jun 10, 2010

I find it quite interesting that some folks liked could vs should and why. I preferred "should," because to me, that indicated Alice's POV and that she was making an observation of a mistake she made. She's saying what she should have done vs what she did do. "Could" felt like an outside narrator to me, not Alice. The author/narrator telling the reader what Alice could have done, not Alice herself thinking.

Both work fine, it just depends on how want to ground your reader in the POV.

True · Jun 10, 2010

Interesting point, Danthia. I see what you mean. I just like the way "could" sounds in the sentence.

Skye Jules · Jun 10, 2010

Thanks so much everyone. And yes, I do mention where she's going within the first paragraph or page, or what have you. I've had three people beta read my entire manuscript, and the first sentence has always bothered me, even though they never pointed out anything being wrong with it.

Which First Sentence is Better?

Skye Jules

March 15th: Issue 1 release

Chris P

Likes metaphors mixed, not stirred

SWest

In the garden...

Angela_785

Danthia

Julie Worth

What? I have a title?

Olleymae aka MBW

-~-<3-~-

Ryan_Sullivan

Agented YA Writer

EagerReader

commaholic and adverb junkie

MissMacchiato

Bring on the Sweet, Sweet Coffee

True

blue rain, na'vi dances, color code

Elizabeth Holloway

Pass the sugar

NightSky

New Fish; Learning About Thick Skin