M/T/S One Liners: Put up or Shut up

Stanmiller · May 28, 2010

Revised RULEZ -- Take an Eval, Give an Eval.
Wozzat mean? Post for eval, eval someone else.

Dems da Rulez!

Click to expand...

Welcome to the unofficial 'First Line Evaluation Thread'. If you want the collective awesomeness of the denizens of MTS to take a look at your first line or hook, then "PUT 'OK TO Evaluate' in big red letters so that people will see it.

If you don't want the evaluation, but just want the rest of us to marvel at your tight constuction and firm verbal fitness, then put 'DO NOT EVALUATE' in even bigger red letters in the first line of your post.

See Post # 15 for more on this exciting new idea that will save you ever so much hair-pulling and puppy-kicking when trying to come up with those pesky first lines.

Remember, first lines or hook only. No Qs or Synopsis, or first three hundred pages. All that goes to SYW.

Shameless ripoff from the Science Fiction/Fantasy Forum. Why should they have all the fun?
More
1. Write one sentence that will grab your audience and propel them to the next whilst making this very, very obvious that we are reading a work of ~~scifi or fantasy~~ Mystery/Thriller/Suspense.

2. The one-liner has to be the first line of your underappreciated story (pubbed or unpubbed) or the awesome hook from your Q, or a planned first line from a future WIP. (There's already a Line of the Day thread and we don't want to stomp on that, do we? DO WE? Especially since it's the mod's thread and we do not want to make her turn red and blast us to the far side of the ~~galaxy~~ planet.)

3. The only other rule is that it has to be something YOU wrote, not a rip from all those undeserving hacks that get published because their daddies/mommies/aunts/uncles run the company.

~~Please, no run-on sentences or overly verbose adjectives.~~

4. Those guys over in Scifi obviously have no sense of humor. Be as verbose and adjectified/adverbified as you wish, but realize that purplishly plumped-up prose will likely result in mercilessly gratuitous bloodlettings.

I'll start the mayhem with:

Things went to hell in a single heartbeat, when Bagman whispered, "Trouble."

kaitie · May 28, 2010

So it has to be something real, eh? I suppose I did just write a query. I have no idea if it has an awesome hook or not, though. Define hooky...because I'm not certain that's something I can actually do haha.

I'm probably overthinking this. I'll see what other people say and add something in tomorrow when I'm not half asleep.

sheadakota · May 28, 2010

Okay to shred- errr I mean crit-

Oooo I want to play!

Great Line there Stan! Here's mine;

Jonah Carter had four minutes left to live.

Stanmiller · May 28, 2010

sheadakota said:
Oooo I want to play!

Great Line there Stan! Here's mine;

Jonah Carter had four minutes left to live.

Shea, that grabs by the ahhh...*mumble*. Cool.

So it has to be something real, eh? I suppose I did just write a query. I have no idea if it has an awesome hook or not, though. Define hooky...because I'm not certain that's something I can actually do haha.

C'mon kaitie, trot out that first line you've been obsessing over. I know you have a good one, from the way you effortlessly whipped out the make-believe Q you posted in the Romsex in your Mystery thread. If you don't I'll post it here for the world to ooh and ahh over.

heyjude · May 28, 2010

Great idea, and great lines.

I'll play.

Jack South couldn't remember the naked woman's name, and he felt bad about that.

Stanmiller · May 28, 2010

heyjude said:
Great idea, and great lines.

I'll play.

Jack South couldn't remember the naked woman's name, and he felt bad about that

Yay!

For how long? How long did he feel bad about it, I meant to say.

heyjude · May 28, 2010

Hah. Poor Jack. Things went downhill fast from there. :tongue

Stanmiller · May 28, 2010

heyjude said:
Hah. Poor Jack. Things went downhill fast from there.

Yeah. That happens. Especially since the naked woman turned out dead. (After all, this IS the MTS forum. Where bodies grow on trees. Wait, that's what happens over in Scifi. I knew going over there was a mistake. Now I'm infected.

Here's another one, from a different book.

Sam Longwalker looked down, watching two men--foreshortened by height--inch up the bare rock, maneuvering a bundle on a stretcher.

BfloGal · May 28, 2010

Another game that is difficult to play for us cozy writers. The opening lines in mine have my protag cooking.

But--

Here's one from another work I have on the back burner:

Amanda Thompson rubbed her sweaty palms on her blue scrub pants and stared down at the body bag in front of her.

mirandashell · May 28, 2010

I ran for the fence, the dog not 10 yards behind me.

Stanmiller · May 28, 2010

BfloGal said:
Another game that is difficult to play for us cozy writers. The opening lines in mine have my protag cooking.

But--

Here's one from another work I have on the back burner:

Amanda Thompson rubbed her sweaty palms on her blue scrub pants and stared down at the body bag in front of her.

B,
Cool. That's definitely not a cozy...

But why would this be difficult for cozy writers? I hope not, anyway.

Stanmiller · May 28, 2010

mirandashell said:
I ran for the fence, the dog not 10 yards behind me.

I 'member that one from QLH. It's good.

cbenoi1 · May 28, 2010

Special Agent Harry Fox crossed the police tape and entered the small jewelry store on Thirty-Fourth Street, expecting to step onto shattered glass.

Here is the prologue before that. I'm debating if it still has it's place, but it gives an idea of the context for the line above.

"I have a job for you," the beared man spoke in his cellphone.

"What kind of job?" a garbled male voice replied.

"One that fits your talent."

"I'm listening."

The bearded man cleared his throat. "I want you to exchange a museum piece with a copy we'll provide you with. Here are the rules: absolute secrecy, no witness, and no trail left behind for the police. Is that up your chords?"

"Hmmm. Security?"

"Latest electronics. The FBI and local police will be swarming the place."

Seconds ticked by.

"What you're asking for is short of a miracle. My fee just tripled."

"I expected no less. And to make sure we're crystal clear on rules, I'd like to put you through a test."

"A test?" The interlocutor sighed. "What do you want me to do?"

"I want you to collect your first payment. From me."

-cb

mirandashell · May 28, 2010

Stanmiller said:
I 'member that one from QLH. It's good.

Thank you, Stan!

Stanmiller · May 28, 2010

Rulez change for MTS One Liners

:rulez

Welcome to the unofficial 'First Line Evaluation Thread'. If you want the collective awesomeness of the denizens of MTS to take a look at your first line or hook, then put 'OK TO Evaluate' in big red letters so that people will see it.

If you don't want the evaluation, but just want the rest of us to marvel at your tight constuction and firm verbal fitness, then put 'DO NOT EVALUATE' in even bigger red letters in the first line of your post

While QLH is great, it's aimed at crits for Qs and Ss and first 5s. I know I spent about as much time cudgeling my brain for first lines as for the Qs.

So what about ~~a crit~~ an evaluation thread right here, right now, for first lines?

Now before you :rolleyes

, think about it for a minute.

If you are unhappy with your first line and want ideas, just say something like Evaluate It! in the post to initiate a snark feeding frenzy.

Or use this

What does everyone think about that?

You have 30 seconds...29...28....15...14...13...

Stanmiller · May 28, 2010

cbenoi1 said:
Special Agent Harry Fox crossed the police tape and entered the small jewelry store on Thirty-Fourth Street, expecting to step onto shattered glass.
-cb

Thanks for joining in, cb. expecting makes that line sing.

BfloGal · May 28, 2010

Stanmiller said:
B,
Cool. That's definitely not a cozy...

But why would this be difficult for cozy writers? I hope not, anyway.

Many cozies start with the protag, an amateur, moving through their normal world. They are an odd assortment of caterers, cookie bakers, scrapbookers, antique dealers, etc. So not quite the heart-pounding action sequences many associate with a hook.

The hook is often in the personality of the protag or in the fact this character is ideally unsuited to solving mysteries.

Stanmiller · May 28, 2010

BfloGal said:
Many cozies start with the protag, an amateur, moving through their normal world. They are an odd assortment of caterers, cookie bakers, scrapbookers, antique dealers, etc. So not quite the heart-pounding action sequences many associate with a hook.

The hook is often in the personality of the protag or in the fact this character is ideally unsuited to solving mysteries.

That's a pretty tricky thing to get across in the first line. But you still have to establish tension, so...just head it with THIS IS A COZY in big, red dripping blood letters and anybody reading or critting will know how to spin it. :fistpump

--Stan

Copper Smith · May 28, 2010

The guy looks like an ex-member of the Ramones who had somehow lived past his fiftieth birthday: tall, junkie thin, dorky mop of hair resting uneasily on his crown.

heyjude · May 28, 2010

Copper Smith said:
The guy looks like an ex-member of the Ramones who had somehow lived past his fiftieth birthday: tall, junkie thin, dorky mop of hair resting uneasily on his crown.

Copper, my friend, you need to hang out with us more often. This is teh awesome!

sheadakota · May 28, 2010

Jude your line was awesome! Is that for the one your agent is sending out?

ToddWBush · May 28, 2010

“No, Nance, I don’t," Tyler said. "I just wait till he sits down next to me and then whack him off under the table.”

Stanmiller · May 28, 2010

Me, me first. OK TO EVAL, you bet!

First line of thriller on the Q-go-round.

Through the binocular, Sam watched two figures move into the trees, dragging something dark.

Stanmiller · May 28, 2010

sheadakota said:
Okay to shred- errr I mean crit-

Oooo I want to play!

Great Line there Stan! Here's mine;

Jonah Carter had four minutes left to live.

Can't find a loose thread or rough edge on that anywhere, shea. It looks pretty smooth to me.

Maybe I'd try "Jonah Carter had only four minutes to live." But I don't know that it's any better. Shorter by one word, that's all.

sheadakota · May 28, 2010

Stanmiller said:
Me, me first. OK TO EVAL, you bet!

First line of thriller on the Q-go-round.

Through the binocular, Sam watched two figures move into the trees, dragging something dark.

Why thank you Stan-

For yours the only thing I could think too change was to maybe get rid of the comma between trees and dragging- unless you want and intential pause there- I prefer it without the pause though-

M/T/S One Liners: Put up or Shut up

Stanmiller

kaitie

With great power comes

sheadakota

part of the human equation

Stanmiller

heyjude

Making my own sunshine

Stanmiller

heyjude

Making my own sunshine

Stanmiller

BfloGal

Lost in a plot hole

mirandashell

Stanmiller

Stanmiller

cbenoi1

mirandashell

Stanmiller

Stanmiller

BfloGal

Lost in a plot hole

Stanmiller

Copper Smith

Neo noir peddler

heyjude

Making my own sunshine

sheadakota

part of the human equation

ToddWBush

Stanmiller

Stanmiller

sheadakota

part of the human equation