Describing a characters physical movements as it pertains to his POV

wrombola · May 18, 2010

This has been bothering me for some time. If for example something happens to the MC's right I always say he turned to his right. Or he looked. gazed, stared etc up or down, left or right.
I am about sick of the word turned at this point and there doesn't seem to be a lot of alternatives.

I am also having problems describing the act of transit, particular walking. I keep using the word "passed" too much. She passed the police station on her left, and then _______ the bus stop. This becomes an issue if the character is walking a good distance and seeing many different things.
The easy answer would be to ignore the scenery if it isn't relevant to the story but I have been writing about 1926 Miami so I am always trying to establish the setting.

Jamesaritchie · May 18, 2010

wrombola said:
This has been bothering me for some time. If for example something happens to the MC's right I always say he turned to his right. Or he looked. gazed, stared etc up or down, left or right.
I am about sick of the word turned at this point and there doesn't seem to be a lot of alternatives.

I am also having problems describing the act of transit, particular walking. I keep using the word "passed" too much. She passed the police station on her left, and then _______ the bus stop. This becomes an issue if the character is walking a good distance and seeing many different things.
The easy answer would be to ignore the scenery if it isn't relevant to the story but I have been writing about 1926 Miami so I am always trying to establish the setting.

In way, these problems are identical. There's generally little need to say where a character is looking or turning at all. It doesn't matter whether something is to his left, right, or straight in front of him, and if it doesn't matter, then don;t say where it is. The character doesn't have to look right to see a cab coming down the street, or look left to talk to someone. He just has to see the cab or say the words. He doesn't have to look left, right, up, or down to see the scenery, either. He doesn't have to stare, gaze, etc.

Just describe the scenery itself, not its relationship to the character's position.

Likewise, if the character is walking somewhere, the walk should be described only if something important happens along the way. There's no need to have the reader follow along. And if something important does happen along the way, that's the only part of the walk you have to mention.

Danthia · May 18, 2010

Scenery works best when you can connect it to the scene in some fashion. That way, it's not just details sitting there on the page. Like if your protag is running from someone, they'll notice the details that might help them hide or escape. If they're happy and skipping along, they'll notice things that reflect that happiness. (or better yet, stuff that will deflate that happiness, cause happy characters are boring characters). If you're trying to set the scene, they'll notice examples of things that build your world relevant to that character and their place in that world.

Lady Ice · May 18, 2010

She passed the police station on her left, then the bus stop.

Soothing Snow · May 18, 2010

I'm with Jamesaritchie

. Good luck and happy writing.

Snow

RedRose · May 18, 2010

Hmmm. I notice this too in my writing first draft, but everyone's first draft is *&^%. I think the advice you've been given is good. You will have to revise, revise, revise until it's perfect. Open some books by your favourite authors and see how the did it. Type up entire chapters that you love.

Danthia's advice about making the scenery relative is excellent.

She passed the police station on her left, and then _______ the bus stop.

Why is the police station on the page? Is this a necessary place to have in your story? If she's just walking down the street to get to the bus, then you don't need it. If she just broke out of jail...or broke into someone's house...

The police station loomed behind her and like her childhood nightmares, the faster she ran, the slower she reached the bus stop.

It might help to write these sentences in 1st to get a deeper POV.

If it's a horror, you show the wind howling through the branches, the distant rumble of thunder as she stands over a grave in a deserted cemetary. Build up the scene, pick the things you want to show like a stage set.

It she's just walking to get to the bus stop, in your revisions, you ascertain her reason to catch the bus and pull out details that match this. Maybe you don't need to show her walking to the bus.

Jamesaritchie · May 18, 2010

Lady Ice said:
She passed the police station on her left, then the bus stop.

She passed the police station, and then the bus stop.

backslashbaby · May 18, 2010

You might be having the urge to describe things as if you were watching a movie. It's not a movie, so you don't have to

The reader fills in much more when reading, although that feels so strange at first as the writer.

Even in movies, think of those scenes where we cut to someone opening the door, and our hero is on the other side. We didn't see the walk, but it works great.

Ruv Draba · May 18, 2010

When we write about a character it should reveal something new or unexpected -- else write about setting or conflict or the character's impact. E.g.

As dawn lit the city the colour of lead pipe, he shuffled from the cab to the bus station like a man to his hanging. The waiting room was full of elbows on knees and chins on hands and yesterday's newspapers. It smelled of floor-wax, booze-sweat and travelling salesmen--their boredom kept him company until the bus arrived.

As the bus pulled out, he stared out of the window at closed shops, ground his teeth and thought about his missing wife while a six-year-old behind him tortured squeals from a computer-game and kicked the back of his seat from time to time. He turned to say something, but a wisteria-haired grandmother beside the kid pursed her lips and glared at him over her celebrity crossword. He turned back, defeated. Bus-travellers will tolerate anything but conversation.

ishtar'sgate · May 18, 2010

wrombola said:
I am also having problems describing the act of transit, particular walking. I keep using the word "passed" too much. She passed the police station on her left, and then _______ the bus stop. This becomes an issue if the character is walking a good distance and seeing many different things.
The easy answer would be to ignore the scenery if it isn't relevant to the story but I have been writing about 1926 Miami so I am always trying to establish the setting.

You don't need to ignore the scenery just the description of your character's movements. In what you've given you can set the character on a course, walking down Main Street say, and then just describe what he/she sees. The sign over the police station tilted slightly, the bus stop was crowded with would be passengers waiting for the always-late noon express... Just describe what they see without any reference to them moving. The reader knows they're moving.

Linda Adams · May 19, 2010

My first thought is that your suggested phrasing sound more like filler than anything important. Looked, gazed, and turned are particularly problematic words because they often end up being filler because it's easy not be able to think what to say.

Building setting isn't simply about saying where things are; it's establishing a place, a community, and even the culture. It's adding another element or layer to your story. For example:

Original: She passed the police station was on the left, and then the bus stop.

Revised: The police station was on the left, a hole in the wall barely bigger than the Thai restaurant three doors away. The station had been built three years ago to keep watch on the park in answer to community cries about the crime. But crime had smirked and merely shifted a street over, to continue doing business.

When doing the setting, make it do double or even duty--not just describe what things look like, but establish something else, whatever that something you want to do with that story.

KTC · May 19, 2010

You really have to be careful when describing movement. I was re-reading Wayson Choy's NOT YET the other day and in it he described how one of his 'beta' readers acted out a scene to check on the movement of a character. His friend told him, "NO" in no uncertain terms. She followed through with his description on paper and the character ended up impossibly pretzeled. After writing your movements...step through them and see if you described something a human being can actually do. And, yes...this includes simple turning and walking, etc. Sometimes we don't realize the physical trauma we put our characters through with just a few simple words meant to move them through a scene.

bonitakale · May 19, 2010

I'm with those who say you don't have to describe the character's turning, looking, walking, etc., unless it's unusual and relevant. If you're in his p.o.v., we know he sees what you describe. If everything's normal, you can just write what's there.

The Chinese restaurant looked unprepossessing. Giovanni's was just across the street, but Mark was already inside May Wong.

After the coldness of the living room, the bedroom was a warm relief, all rugs and quilts and curtains. [You don't have to say how he got there.]

It's when it's odd that you start describing how he sees or gets to places:

He had gone two lazy steps past May Wong's, when something made him leap back into the doorway. Only afterward did he realize it was the slight disturbance of the air that had alerted him to the lump of concrete plunging to the spot where he'd been standing.

He tiptoed from the living room to the bedroom. It was all...

dpaterso · May 19, 2010

wrombola said:
The easy answer would be to ignore the scenery if it isn't relevant to the story but I have been writing about 1926 Miami so I am always trying to establish the setting.

I'm kinda leaning towards describing surroundings only if it's interesting and/or your MC hasn't seen it before -- but each to their own.

-Derek

maestrowork · May 19, 2010

wrombola said:
This has been bothering me for some time. If for example something happens to the MC's right I always say he turned to his right. Or he looked. gazed, stared etc up or down, left or right.
I am about sick of the word turned at this point and there doesn't seem to be a lot of alternatives.

I am also having problems describing the act of transit, particular walking. I keep using the word "passed" too much. She passed the police station on her left, and then _______ the bus stop. This becomes an issue if the character is walking a good distance and seeing many different things.
The easy answer would be to ignore the scenery if it isn't relevant to the story but I have been writing about 1926 Miami so I am always trying to establish the setting.

It comes down the level of details, and it seems to me when you find yourself writing a lot of "turned' and "passed," you're writing too much "stage directions." Or using too much filtering. Does it really matter to use that he turned? Or that he passed the police station? If that detail is important, can you find another way to say it without the filtering (we all know the character is moving, or at least everything is filtered through his perception so he must somehow sees or hears, etc.):

He stood by the cliff. A pelican dived into the sea on his right...

He strolled down the street. The police station looked scary on his left, and finally the bus stop was only three feet away....

You get the idea. Since you're in the character's POV, you don't have to tell us he saw, he looked, he heard, he passed... we KNOW. These direct descriptions are from his perception so of course he saw, heard, smelled, etc.

Either cut down the unnecessary stage direction details, or cut out the filtering, or do both.

wrombola · May 19, 2010

Thanks folks this is all great advice.

dgiharris · May 19, 2010

The only thing that I have to add is that you must trust your readers.

I think a lot of writers when they are first starting out don't have a feel for what their readers need or don't need.

I've seen some works in SYW where the writers describes every single mundane act, yet when we get to the real meat of an action scene, the writer skimps on the good stuff.

As you write, think to yourself, I will trust my reader to get it.

Lastly, upon edits and revisions I am a ruthless bastard. Every single word and phrase must justify its existance. I think this is another area where beginners have a lot of problems. They are content to stop revising if a paragraph/scene is okay. Usually, okay is not good enough. You must break out the hacksaw and machette and go all Friday the 13th on your work.

This will solve alot of the problems you mentioned above.

Lastly, I'd recommend Elements of Style by Strunk and White. It is 88 pages and arguably the best book about writing ever written. The whole point of the book is how to be concise and this book is a must have for any aspiring writer.

good luck

Mel...

Bufty · May 19, 2010

Left, right, north, south, east, west, seven steps along then turned to the right... All these do is make the reader wonder if these particular details are meant to be remembered, so unless they really matter -and they usually don't - don't mention them and concentrate on what really matters.

dgiharris · May 19, 2010

Bufty said:
...and concentrate on what really matters.

This is the real crux of the matter.

I use a simple test that I call it the cut test. If I can cut something and the removal of that item has no impact on the scene, then it isn't needed.

You'd be amazed how much crap we can cut from our works. And again, another plug for Elements of Style, that book does a fantastic job of explaining the importance of being concise.

Trust me, as a writer you simply must own that book. I think you can get it from Amazon for like $5.

Mel...

wrombola · May 22, 2010

I found Elements Of Style, and a 12 dollar hard copy of Kate Mosse Labyrinth today at a used book store thanks for the advice.

Describing a characters physical movements as it pertains to his POV

wrombola

Jamesaritchie

Danthia

Lady Ice

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Soothing Snow

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Jamesaritchie

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Stand in the Place Where You Live

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wrombola

Describing a characters physical movements as it pertains to his POV

Danthia

Makes useful distinctions

By any other name...

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living in the past

Soldier, Storyteller

Stand in the Place Where You Live

Also in our Discord and IRC chat channels

Fear the Death Ray

Disgruntled Scientist

Where have the last ten years gone?

Disgruntled Scientist

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