How can I make my character less of a whiny emo kid.

Do you have some examples of his "shiny emo kid" moments?

Humour? Self-hatred on the character's part? If he's a compelling character that I like, I'm more likely to forgive him for being a bit of a weenie, especially if he makes fun of or hates himself for it.

A little bit of sarcasm and self-awareness can go a long way.... (but I kind of like whiney emo kid protags)

For me, the biggest thing a character do to seem less mopey or whiny is to actually make decisions. To make a choice that has an affect on something. Granted, that's probably tough to do if the character is locked in a cell. But I think one of the reasons why people are repelled by "emo" characters is because "emo" is often just a way of describing a character who does nothing...they're in a terrible situation, they mope about, but do nothing to change that situation. Even if they can't get out of their situation, a truly likable character might resolve to try and find a way despite the odds or at the very least ultimately decide they won't let it get them down. At the same time, don't be afraid to have your character face *periods* of self-doubt.

I hope that helped somewhat...

Consider, if you will, that your character is probably used to the grind of his life and wouldn't be newly lamenting his sorrows all the time. So if that is a factor, then yeah.

Show his feelings for her through his actions instead of words. Maybe he beats up someone giving her a hard time, find clever ways to obtain gifts for her while he's locked up like carve a flower out of a block of soap, become jealous of a prison guard flirting with her and messes him up, smells her hair when she leans in to do experiments, not say anything when the experiments hurt him cos he doesn't want to disrupt her work.

All the how-to books on writing always stress show, don't tell.

Have him self-sacrifice more and/or forgive the unforgivable.

I wonder what he'd see if she gave him a rorschach test...?

An MC who is homeless but with superpowers. Uses theft and murder for support. But is in love and comes off as whiny about it. Seems there is a strange mixture of sociopath and lonely heart here. At the very least, there is an opportunity for some serious internal conflicts. But if not handled right, it could come off as unintentionally laugh-inducing. Carving a flower out of soap--what exactly are his superpowers? Maybe carve a flower out of someone's spleen...

This will sound snarky, but I honestly don't mean it to be... Don't write him whiny. When you catch yourself doing it, delete those words and put in something else.

I'm guessing you're asking this because he feels whiny to you as he's written now. So look at the parts that feel wrong to you, and see if there's a way to show his sadness or unhappiness instead of having him think or talk about it. From the situation you describe, anger could be a common emotion for him. He might be pissed off that this woman never looks at him, or that society made it impossible for her to consider him a possible mate. He might be scared that she'll reject him. He might be plotting to find romantic ways to show his affections.

You don't have to have him think "Oh, I love her so much" all the time if you show him doing things that express love, or things that show him trying to win her over. Really dig deep into the show don't tell mode and you can avoid a lot of the whine. Because you'll be showing it instead of having him tell us.

From the situation you describe, anger could be a common emotion for him. He might be pissed off that this woman never looks at him, or that society made it impossible for her to consider him a possible mate. He might be scared that she'll reject him. He might be plotting to find romantic ways to show his affections.

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Is the protagonist supposed to come across as sympathetic? (then again, seems quite plausible for a character who kills for a living).

At any rate, there are better ways to express love.
I like Ruv Draba's suggestion.
Make him care more about her happiness than his own. And if it seems probable that she will be happier without him, so be it. Let him accept that gracefully.

Perhaps a person with so many internal conflicts wouldn't outwardly show his affection for her- he could be intelligent, often getting into philosophical arguements with her, sparring with her, seeming difficult as though he knows all the answers about the hardness of life and acts as though she doesn't know the first *damn* thing about suffering... Change the whining to darkly brooding. With first person perspective, you can see inside his mind where the truth is- she sees right through him and he is threatened by it- so much so that he loves/hates her.

That's where the seed of the passionate love he feels begins- mixed with love/hate, two intense emotions, falling for her mind, spirit, body- needing someone who sees all his flaws/internal weaknesses. In that he finds a spiritual release, strengthening the bond. The emo archetype is a character who is immature, not self-aware, not tuned into the hard reality of life and enjoys complaining from a place of complacency.

This character has seen the dark aspect of the world, survives by way of violence and doesn't seem to have to much guilt about it. She makes him feel that guilt- that which he has repressed. A character who changes, gets to the heart of the reader. He has super-powers and is imprisoned/experimented on for them; he'd be even more bitter and cynical and maybe his past is so dark that he has reasons for why he does what he does and feels what he feels.

She sees through it all- a light in his dark world and although part of her is sympathetic, she doesn't hold back either when ripping through his deranged view of the world. She bruises the surface ego, heals the bruised heart beneath. There is tension- which equals passion. True love can make someone realize the best of what they are and or could be. She does this for him by not being a repressive, negative person in his life yet also by not being sugar-coated in any way. She doesn't take his crap, fights back but for a higher, self-less good.

Give him some respectable attributes- things which she can see beneath the surface of his bitterness. Beauty and the Beast.

I'm getting a feeling it's not true love here- seems more like a desperate grasp at hope, trying to prove that he's not evil. How likely is it that the doctor would reciprocate the feelings?

I'm not quite sure whether you want us to sympathise with him. Super-powers or not, he is a thieving murderer and love is not going to erase that. Focus on empathy and not sympathy (empathy being understanding his feelings and sympathy being supporting them).

Xvee said:

Show his feelings for her through his actions instead of words.....

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THis was what came to mind. Be careful of paragraphs upon paragraphs of narration explaining how he longs for her. Instead, show his feelings towards her.

First thing that came to mind for me was him fantasing about kissing her, holding her, making love to her.

When they are in a scene together, describe the intoxicating scent of her hair, how the brush of her skin sets his blood boiling, how he can't help but stare at her lips when she speaks, etc. etc.

When he is alone, I'd imagine he masterbates to her. etc. etc.

Danthia said:

This will sound snarky, but I honestly don't mean it to be... Don't write him whiny. When you catch yourself doing it, delete those words and put in something else..

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I recently read 1/2 of a book (had to force myself to get that far) in which the author went on and on and on about how the MC pined for the cute girl. It was so so so annoying that I continued reading just to see how bad it would get until I couldn't take anymore.

Don't do that. Keep your character as active as possible and show/describe the physical and mental actions, interactions, and reactions your MC has to his love interest. The key word here being 'action'.

If you do that, then he shouldn't come across as whiny.

But another thing I might throw out there, whiny isn't necessarily bad. It just may be given the situation that it is hopelessly pathetic. I mean, how much chance does a homeless sociopath have of landing his doctor?

Now that I think about it, I don't think whiny is a problem at all. The only problem I would see is if it was a passive info dumpy type of whiny. that would get annoying. But as long as you are being active, and if it fits the circumstances of the story and situation, then I wouldn't think it would be necessarily bad.

Perhaps, given your MC's circumstances, whiny is reasonable?

I dunno, I'm just speaking off the cuff here.

Sometimes, we as writers are intent on pounding a round peg into a square hole, wanting our characters to do or be something because we think it is 'good' even though it may not be 'right' for the story.

Of course, it is your story and you know best, but i'd challenge you to think on it.

Given the circumstances involved and the personality of the character, what is the right behavoir? How would he come across?

Regardless, as long as you are being active in your writing/description, i'd think you'd be okay.

Mel...

Having read the excerpt you posted of this character and his story I'd like to point out that it's not just that he's whiny. It's more that he doesn't talk or behave like an adult. He read like a teenager, not a 24 year old.

I'm going to make a guess and say you're probably fairly young too (based on your writers voice, the DevArt account, etc) and while it isn't impossible to write older characters it's hard (as a teenager) to write adult characters convincingly. (At least it was for me.) All I can say is read books with older characters and watch people around you to try and learn some of the differences in the way older/younger people behave.

FREX:
In kindergarten a boy with a crush on a girl might pull her hair.
In high school a boy with a crush on a girl might make a point of ignoring her but dropping hints to his friends who might drop hints to her friends that he's interested.
In college a boy with a crush on a girl might try and sucker a girl in with a story about how his girlfriend just broke up with him and he's lonely OR he and his girlfriend are having issues and he's just looking for someone to talk to. (Neither of which are real winning pick-up lines, by the way.)
In his mid-twenties a boy with a crush on a girl might run into her at her favorite club/bar and offer to buy her a drink.

There are always games involved in the way men and women deal with starting a relationship, but the way they're played change. If you have a twenty year old playing by middle school rules it will seem off.

If you make your MC act like an adult he'll seem less "emo kid" and more "emotionally disturbed" which (I think) is more what you want.

The dialogue sounds teenagery (it's a bit playground romance- 'don't tell your girlfriend who i secretly love otherwise you die') but the narrative style seems fine. Reads a bit like 'Lolita'...that is to say, I don't believe that the character is truly in love with the person and they are a bit weird.