Incomplete sentences? Are they sometimes OK?

MJWare · May 1, 2010

I'm writing an upper-MG short story. It's first person, present tense. In it the kid wakes from a nightmare. I want his sentences to mirror is though process--short and choppy.

Can I get away with a a paragraph like this:

Suddenly, I'm sitting upright in my bed. Just a dream, no a nightmare. The same one, every night. That same scratching sound. I can almost hear it echoing in my head.

I've highlighted my area of concern in blue. They are obviously incomplete sentences. But, that's what I want. I'm just a little concerned about using them, especially in MG.

I could string a couple of them together with a comma, but I thought it make it look like c#%p.

Any thoughts?

aadams73 · May 1, 2010

Yes, sentence fragments are perfectly acceptable. Totally.

Kelsey · May 1, 2010

If they are stylized, the way yours are, I love them. I think they can really add something nice.

Xvee · May 1, 2010

I read from agent blogs and in multiple fiction writing books, one by Stephen King, that incomplete sentences are okay because you're not writing a grammar book, but to entertain.

It works especially in your case because it's in first person, the character is a kid, and most of us don't think in complete sentences and in perfect grammar.

FennelGiraffe · May 1, 2010

As long as you don't overdo it, occasional sentence fragments are fine.

mware01 said:
Suddenly, I'm sitting upright in my bed. Just a dream, no a nightmare. The same one, every night. That same scratching sound. I can almost hear it echoing in my head.

I think these fragments are appropriate.

MJWare · May 1, 2010

Thanks! That was fast. It sounds like everyone agrees.

Good advice on overdoing it Giraffe. It's only a 1,200 word story, so I could easily overdo it.

-Mike

Margarita Skies · May 1, 2010

It depends on the way that fragments are written. Usually I try my best not to have any fragments because those little green scribbles under the fragments are so annoying, and I can't just turn off my grammar checker because other grammar problems will go unnoticed. However, your way to write fragments is excellent, and I am sure your readers will find them entertaining.

thothguard51 · May 1, 2010

The area you highlighted in blue is exposition or internal thoughts. This is similar to dialogue and sentence fragments can work very well in dialogue... to a point.

I got no problem and yes...I have to keep ignoring those little green squiggles too, but only if its because I meant the little green squiggle as a fragment, and not because I missed something.

The Lonely One · May 1, 2010

What everyone else said.

And also: Microsoft Word can go to hell.

jameson12 · May 1, 2010

I agree. Incomplete sentences are fine. In fact, I've read works by varied writers who will occasionally use one word followed by a period, just for emphasis. Of course, this technique can be used far too often but I agree with Xvee that people don't always think or talk in complete sentences. If your writing works for the reader and they can relate to it, that is the important thing.

blacbird · May 1, 2010

The Lonely One said:
And also: Microsoft Word can go to hell.

MS-Word's grammar checker is designed, in a crude fashion, for people writing things like business correspondence. It is useful for some matters in creative writing, and misleading for others. You can drive a nail with a rock, but knowing the right kind of hammer makes life so much easier.

caw

blacbird · May 1, 2010

mware01 said:
I'm writing an upper-MG short story. It's first person, present tense. In it the kid wakes from a nightmare. I want his sentences to mirror is though process--short and choppy.

Any thoughts?

What do other upper-MG writers do?

caw

Bufty · May 2, 2010

Yep.

'almost' is one of those weasel words that tend to creep in where they're not wanted.

Be careful using 'almost hear'.

Either you can hear it echoing or you can't. In this case I suspect you can and that's what's so scary to you. If you agree, drop the 'almost'.

Lady Ice · May 2, 2010

mware01 said:
I'm writing an upper-MG short story. It's first person, present tense. In it the kid wakes from a nightmare. I want his sentences to mirror is though process--short and choppy.

Can I get away with a a paragraph like this:

Suddenly, I'm sitting upright in my bed. Just a dream, no a nightmare. The same one, every night. That same scratching sound. I can almost hear it echoing in my head.

I've highlighted my area of concern in blue. They are obviously incomplete sentences. But, that's what I want. I'm just a little concerned about using them, especially in MG.

I could string a couple of them together with a comma, but I thought it make it look like c#%p.

Any thoughts?

You could change the punctuation on the blue bits:
Just a dream. No, a nightmare- the same one, every night. That same scratching sound.

When the person realises it's a nightmare, having that short sentence at the start really works. I'm assuming that they identify it as that nightmare pretty quickly.
Comma is short pause, so if you're in a stream of consciousness and thoughts are piling up quickly, they work quite well. Full stop is a more abrupt pause.

I do like choppy sentences but overuse of unfinished sentences to create tension can get annoying.

Libbie · May 2, 2010

It's fine to use sentence fragments, but be aware that not everybody is going to like them. I use them with relative regularity in my prose writing, and there's a gal in my writing group who yells at me every single time. She hates fragments. I keep telling her I'm never going to stop using them -- they're part of my style. Last week she tried bargaining me down to less fragments.

So yeah, you're going to annoy a few readers with your fragments. But nobody's written a book that every single person on the planet loves. Go with what feels right to you.

Bing Z · May 2, 2010

A while ago I read a journal of a 15 yo American fashion model who was in Paris with her mom trying to land jobs (which in fact was almost impossible due to her age.) The journal was written as her classwork while she was away from school, and was supplemented by her mother's more polished notes. Look at this example:

I had a job today!!! It was a photoshoot in a hotel on the Champs Elyse. I wore hot pink tennis shoes,balloon pants and a pink and purple top. Hey a jobs a job!

I especially like the last sentence. It has a typo, lacks a comma, and is incomplete. Grammatically it sucks, but it shows the tone. It paints a gleefully jumping teen waving arms in my head. And that's just five words.

Jamesaritchie · May 2, 2010

mware01 said:
I'm writing an upper-MG short story. It's first person, present tense. In it the kid wakes from a nightmare. I want his sentences to mirror is though process--short and choppy.

Can I get away with a a paragraph like this:

Suddenly, I'm sitting upright in my bed. Just a dream, no a nightmare. The same one, every night. That same scratching sound. I can almost hear it echoing in my head.

I've highlighted my area of concern in blue. They are obviously incomplete sentences. But, that's what I want. I'm just a little concerned about using them, especially in MG.

I could string a couple of them together with a comma, but I thought it make it look like c#%p.

Any thoughts?

Those really are not incomplete sentences, they're understood sentences, given context by the previous sentence. As such, they're complete, and perfectly acceptable.

But I would work on the punctuation. Incomplete sentence or not, use proper punctuation.

Incomplete sentences? Are they sometimes OK?

MJWare

Kidlit gang, Junior member.

aadams73

A Work in Progress

Kelsey

Book Slut

Xvee

I Need Monkeys

FennelGiraffe

It's green they say

MJWare

Kidlit gang, Junior member.

Margarita Skies

thothguard51

A Gentleman of a refined age...

The Lonely One

Why is a raven like a writing desk?

jameson12

blacbird

blacbird

Bufty

Where have the last ten years gone?

Lady Ice

Makes useful distinctions

Libbie

Worst song played on ugliest guitar

Bing Z

illiterate primate

Jamesaritchie