Two scenes in one.

Good day

So, I was plotting a short yesterday, finding a hook, a fresh spin, characters and whatnot... and I had an idea. I'm not reinventing the wheel or anything, but wondered what you guys would think of it. You know, if you'd like it.

The thing is, I'm constantly at war with myself regarding tense. I enjoy writing past and present from a first person POV. Sometimes I'll have a story that works better with one or the other, but not always. This is one of those times, leaving me wondering which one I should do. Why not do both? I thought. It snowballed from there. You see, what bothers me most about past tense is, where is the character now? How long ago was the story he/she is telling? And why is he/she telling it?

I decided on scene locations, picking ideal locations for the plot whilst keeping them fresh from each other. I don't like too many scenes in short stories. I'm aiming for around 5K, so about 3 or 4 will be fine.

To the point: Two scenes in one. The POV character will be in one scene while narrating what I planned to be the previous scene. I know this wouldn't always work, but the story I have planned has a drama that builds as a direct result of the scene that came before. As it should be. What I'm saying is that my POV character will have a reason to be narrating the previous scene because it's relevant with what's happening at present. Halving the scene breaks and keeping the story busy and moving on different levels. Two scenes unfolding together, drawing parallels with each other, and mixing the timeframe.

This also gives me an ideal twist at the end of the story, which is easy to create whilst being very fitting.

Like I say, I'm not reinventing the wheel, but I was wondering if this two scenes in one thingymabob sits well with you guys and girls?

alleycat said:

Sounds a little like a "frame" story, where the story continuously alternates between one time period and another. It's probably done like that more in movies than in stories.

Are you familiar with frame stories?

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I am. I see your point, and I suppose this is related to them, albeit much closer in narrative chronology with a subject matter responding directly to the 'outer' scene.

In the outer scene, in present tense, we'll have the narrator dealing with the consequences of the story he's telling, the 'inner' scene. I'm thinking the main of the story will be told with these inner scenes, while the outer scenes offer a setting and a reason for the character to tell the tale.

bonitakale said:

You mean like,



I sip my tea and stare at Alys. She seems like a different person from the drunken cowgirl she was yesterday.



Then, she tried to get up on the bar and dance. "It's my day to dance," she protested, as we held onto her, and Mark stood protectively in front of his precious cherry bar. "It's my birthday, and I wanna dance." [rest of scene]



The tea she serves has raspberry in it. She doesn't crook her little finger, but I feel as if she might, given any encouragement.



Is that the kind of thing you're thinking of? I don't see why it wouldn't work, if you can keep the tenses straight, and if the payoff is enough to reward the reader for the trouble.

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Hmmm... 'trouble'. That's what I was asking; the story doesn't need to be structured this way, but I was wanting to try it out... and I think I will. It's very much like I was planning, but please, don't let me stop you. Tell me more about this drunken cowgirl.

alleycat said:

When I first started reading your thread I sort of groaned. "Oh, no, another oddball POV story question." Once I read your whole post, and if I'm understanding correctly what you're trying to do, I think it could be interesting in a short story. Except in some TV episodes, I don't think I've seen it used in quite the same way as you've planned in a short story (but I wouldn't swear to it).

I say try it and see if it works.

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Thanks a lot. I am going to give it a go.

Allow me to do a bare bones explanation.

Scene 1: Couple on a plane, going on holiday.

Scene 2: Couple unpacking in hotel room.

Scene 3: By the pool.

Scene 4: Eating out, argument, she stroms off, he cheats.

Scene 5: He wakes up, rushes to their room, begs.

Scene 6: Back at the airport.


So I'd have 3 scenes - 2, 4, 6 - and in each scene would be the previous. The story sounds like a stale bag of crap from what I've just put, but it has a theme of the grass being greener - new jobs, eyeing woman, even going to a different country as a last-ditch effort to save their flagging relationship. I think the structure works well for this theme; never being in the here and now, always either thinking of the past or future but never in the present.

Please all, remember this is just some fruity thing my mind has baked overnight, so I'm aware there's going to be hurdles I've yet to discuss. But so far, this is what I'm building on. I think it's a strong foundation and I have plenty of action/drama to fill these scenes with.

Thanks for the encouragement.

That's exactly what I'm going for, alleycat. Two scenes unfolding at the same time, telling the same story, complimenting each other and filling each other's blanks in.

Of course! It would be my pleasure. I try not to plot too heavy, but from what I have, I imagine this should be around the 4k mark.