Cabaret Dogs : The Return of Mutant Big-Toe

i know you've heard this before but the truth of that matter is that i went to lunch and come back to find this,..this,...thing in my inbox. i have nothing to do with this. NOTHING. well, nothing other than unloading it here for you all to read and enjoy.

so here. read and enjoy.

although, [FONT=&quot]i suppose that if you have a pressure washer and feel like pressure washing your soul you might enjoy that more. [/FONT]












[FONT=&quot]Chapter One: In Which Haggis Has Lunch[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]He was a big keg of rum. Rich, full bodied, with bulging staves barely restrained by the tempered steel. . .[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“Jaycinth!”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“. . .wrapped around his. . . “[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“Jaycinth! Jay…Jay..JAY!!!”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I stopped my typing and looked up. Odd, I thought I heard barking. In fact it sounded like someone barking my name. I picked up my bottle of Johnny Walker and poured a shot. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Johnny winked at me. Only a wink. I was still sober. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I downed the shot and drank two more.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The barking didn’t stop. I hate sobriety.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“Jay! Jaycinth!!!..down here.”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I looked down. Geeze, the Cabaret was filthy. No wonder I’d taken to wearing jackboots. There must be three inches of garbage on top of the roiling effluvium. When was the last time anyone cleaned around here? A critter separated itself from the noxious pile and scampered off muttering something about ‘Share Your Work’.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]At least someone around here was sharing something besides gas. . .[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“JAYCINTH!”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I turned just as the wild-eyed, fanged demon leapt onto my keyboard. Before I could move, he’d raised a hideous paw and hit ‘delete’.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“Wasting your time writing booze porn again?” Haggis asked.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“It’s what I love, Dawg.”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]If you haven’t guessed by now, my name is Jaycinth and I’m a fairy. Since we fairies have such high metabolisms we need to refuel constantly. Sugar is a very good fuel and, well, booze is liquid sugar.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I drink booze. It’s more efficient that way.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I turned to my bottle and poured another shot. Mr. Walker was making kissy faces at me…it wouldn’t be much longer…[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“What, Jay? Cheating on the Captain?” Haggis yapped.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]He was referring to Captain Morgan, one of my favorite guys. But fairies are fickle and over the years I’ve had running affairs with Jack Daniels, and Evan Williams, and don’t get me started on Jim Beam…[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]SIGH:::::[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“Jaycinth, you’ve been hiding in here for months. Do you even know what year it is?”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“Do I look like I care?”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“You look like what the LOL Cat dragged in.”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I shrugged then glanced at the blank screen on my laptop. Muttering an obscene profanity I pulled out my Sig-Sauer and emptied it into Haggis.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I hate it when my work gets deleted before I back it up.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Struck several times, Haggis reeled and fell to the floor with one of those wet, squishy plops that sends waves of putrid fishy odor racing around the room looking for an escape.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I guess that’s where I left my tuna sandwich. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“Nice shot. New gun?”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I turned as Sister Stew21 walked in. She is one very interesting nun. The good Sister knows more about anti-personnel ordinance than most people know about dinner.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“Kinda. Sister Ol’ Fashioned Girl laid it on me a month or so back. I think it came with that Mexican shipment in April.”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The Little Sisters of Whoop Ass run the convent up the street. Yes, they may have nasty habits, but it is all in the name of World Peace. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Or maybe pieces. I get confused sometimes...[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The Little Sisters collect slightly used weapons from Colombian drug lords, refurbish them and sell them to dissatisfied Inuits and Disney Characters at cost.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Sister Stew21 is one of their specialists. You want a nightmare? Piss Sister Stew21 off.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“Look what I found!” Haggis exclaimed as he hopped back onto the bar. He waved a green tinted sandwich in his paw, before swallowing it whole. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Johnny Walker was licking his lips and looking at me with seductive, lidded eyes. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I slammed another shot, who needs lunch anyway?[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Haggis shook himself and a half dozen bullets dropped out. That’s the problem with un-dead were-Chihuahuas. They don’t stay down long, and they eat all your food.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“That was the most rancid thing I’ve eaten in a week. Got any more?”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The putrid fishey odor gave up its escape plans and sullenly settled in the corner near the men’s room. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Right, like it would be noticed there.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“To what do I owe this displeasure?” I asked, trying….and failing to look Haggis in the eye.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“Why don’t you tell her, Sister Stew21?” Haggis said as he Grabbed Johnny Walker off the bar. In a flash he had emptied the bottle down his gullet.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Oh Johnny...I hardly knew ye![/FONT]

after that thing landed in my inbox today i asked mac to change disable my pm capabilities.

do you own a pressure washer?

Jaycinth said:

Another seeping miasma of psychedelic orgone infused neon-purple prose.


I blame Cray.

Click to expand...

it ain't mine but you have to admit that it's a ripping good yarn!

don't tell me you missed chapter 2!?

well, if you misssed it, you missed it. there's no way to go back to it.

well, unless you could find it but it's very well hidden now. somewhere.
look around in the op, you may find it.