I use too many pronouns

Sevilla · Mar 16, 2010

Can anybody advise me on this, especially if you used to have the same problem and overcame it?

I use way, way too many pronouns in my writing. And I really don't know how to stop it! I'm not talking about replacing some of them with proper names, but how can I get across what I want to say in a different way?

Example, I have the beginning of a scene, 507 words so far. I've used "she" 18 times and "her" 16 times. I find I over-pronoun the POV character, and not so much other characters.

Here's an excerpt so you can see what I mean. I've used "she" 5 times and "her" 4 times in this one little "thought" paragraph. This is pretty typical of my writing.

“I got a letter, you guys said all American citizens were required to come back and,” brow furrowing, she tried to recall the exact wording, “be repatriated? There...There was a letter. Didn’t you send it?” A flutter ran through her stomach. She had told her friends not to worry, that this was the same country she grew up in. That she’d be fine. But her communication with her parents had been cut off two months prior. Emails, phone calls, nothing would connect. She’d heard America had closed the electronic curtain, that nothing was going in or coming out.

defyalllogic · Mar 16, 2010

Mmmm, It didn't read in a way to stuck out as too many to me...

But your first quote is missing some words (or she's talking to people)?

Sevilla · Mar 16, 2010

defyalllogic said:
But your first quote is missing some words (or she's talking to people)?

Yeah, she's answering someone. It's not the dialogue I'm talking about, though. I have a lot of internal monologue "thought" stuff in my writing, and that's where the pronouns are multiplying like bunnies. I want to play through what's in the character's head, just in a less pronoun-y way.

Ken · Mar 16, 2010

... combining sentences is one way to eliminate pronouns:

Sally went to the store. She met Jane there.

Sally went to the store and met Jane there.

blacbird · Mar 16, 2010

It sounds like you may be indulging in a lot of "filtering": She heard X, she saw Y, she felt Z. If you are being consistent with a third-person POV from the standpoint of your narrative character, you can eliminate a lot of this.

Instead of "She saw the dog explode into fragments", you can just say "The dog exploded into fragments". From you character's POV, the reader will know that this is what she saw; you don't need to say so.

caw

TheIT · Mar 16, 2010

I think there are some other threads which might help. Take a look at the threads stickied to the top of this subforum and also "Grammar and Syntax". It's a big problem especially when writing in first person. Too many "I's" can be distracting.

Your example didn't stand out to me either as being problematic. Things to consider:

Don't always make the person the subject of the sentence (she did this, then she did that).

Vary sentence structure. Sometimes that can get rid of references to people.

When describing outside action, beware of filters. Once you've established a POV character, you can drop "she saw" or "she felt" and just describe what's out there. The reader already knows it's the POV character who's perceiving, so there's no need to filter the action through the character.

If you use a pronoun, be very certain that it's obvious who the pronoun references. Don't confuse the reader by hiding the antecedent.

kurzon · Mar 16, 2010

Your quote didn't strike me as obnoxiously overloaded with pronouns. I agree with points made above that running sentences together can be helpful, and so can using the character's thoughts and observations as part of the narrative instead of leading up to them by describing the act of observing or thinking, etc. Your sentences strike me as methodically working through events, which can lead to a "first she did this, then she did that". Laying everything out in detail often leads to repetition of information.

Eg, I'd work this paragraph as:

“That letter - it said all American citizens were required to come back and,” brow furrowing, Elsa tried to recall the exact wording, “...be repatriated? Didn't you - wasn't it your letter?”

Their faces gave away nothing, and Elsa's stomach dropped to her feet. All those reassurances, telling friends not to worry, that this was the country she grew up in, that everything was fine. But it had been two months since the last time she'd managed to reach Mum and Dad. Since then, emails, phone calls, nothing would connect. America had closed the electronic curtain.

"America had closed the electronic curtain" is more direct and to the point than "she'd heard that..." and "she'd heard that..." is really unnecessary to what you're trying to convey.

Witch_turtle · Mar 16, 2010

blacbird said:
Instead of "She saw the dog explode into fragments", you can just say "The dog exploded into fragments".

What a wonderfully gruesome example

Anyway, Sevilla, I agree that this didn't stand out as problematic to me. But maybe some of these suggestions will help you change it up a little:

“I got a letter, you guys said all American citizens were required to come back and,” brow furrowing, she tried to recall the exact wording, “be repatriated? There...There was a letter. Didn’t you send it?” A flutter ran through her stomach. She had told her friends not to worry, that this was the same country she grew up in. ~~That she’d be fine.~~That everything would be fine. But ~~her~~ all communication with her parents had been cut off two months prior. Emails, phone calls, nothing would connect. She’d heard Supposedly, America had closed the electronic curtain;~~that~~ nothing was going in or coming out.

Maybe just thinking about each statement from a slightly different perspective will help?

Rhys Cordelle · Mar 16, 2010

If you show instead of tell you tend to end up with less pronouns. For example, you've already shown in the dialogue that she is an american citizen, so "the same country she grew up in" is unnecessary telling.

maestrowork · Mar 16, 2010

Part of your problem is that you're "telling" and not showing, and that you're too character-central in your narrative. Instead, try to go one step away from your character. Also, you can eliminate some pronouns by using sentence fragments, or combine simple sentences into complex ones.

“I got a letter, you guys said all American citizens were required to come back and...” She frowned, trying to recall the exact wording. “...be repatriated? There...There was a letter. Didn’t you send it?”

Stomach flutter! She had told many friends not to worry, that this was "Homeland." Everything would be fine. But communication with Mom and Dad had been cut off two months prior. Emails, phone calls, nothing would connect. America had closed the electronic curtain, that nothing was going in or coming out.

Jamie Stone · Mar 16, 2010

Also, why is an American calling her mother "Mum," which is a British expression?

ETA--oh, nevermind, that was a replier's addition.

No worries, then! I like the idea of an "electronic curtain," really caught my attention and interest.

Sevilla · Mar 16, 2010

Witch_turtle said:
“I got a letter, you guys said all American citizens were required to come back and,” brow furrowing, she tried to recall the exact wording, “be repatriated? There...There was a letter. Didn’t you send it?” A flutter ran through her stomach. She had told her friends not to worry, that this was the same country she grew up in. That she’d be fine.That everything would be fine. But her all communication with her parents had been cut off two months prior. Emails, phone calls, nothing would connect. She’d heard Supposedly, America had closed the electronic curtain;that nothing was going in or coming out.

Thank you! This really helped. Someone said not to use "She'd heard America had closed..." because that's filtering and to just say that it HAD closed... but I wanted to imply a sense of "rumor" to it. "Supposedly" works, thank you.

Err...the strikethroughs didn't make it into that quote. I'm not sure how to add them.

kurzon · Mar 16, 2010

Sevilla said:
Thank you! This really helped. Someone said not to use "She'd heard America had closed..." because that's filtering and to just say that it HAD closed... but I wanted to imply a sense of "rumor" to it. "Supposedly" works, thank you.

All email/phone/everything in and out of America has been cut off for two months and it only constitutes a 'rumour'? Not a massive international crisis, front-page blaring headlines every moment of every day, people huddled on street corners, near-riots of stranded tourists, hoarding, major powers gearing up to war readiness, world finance collapsing?

Totally off the topic of your post, but my suspension of disbelief just went "twang".

Love it or hate it, if America (the US presumably) actually did that, the entire planet would melt down in an orgy of fear and loathing.

[Possibly I've missed some aspect of the story, but just do have to say that I would struggle as a reader with a book which didn't have the entire planet melting down if the US behaved in such a way. Would be a fascinating story which did do that, though. All those tourists instantly transformed into refugees, massive conspiracy theories, the view from the Space Station, the attempts to get over the border... The effect on the internet alone I couldn't guess since I don't know what major hubs and services are hosted in the US.]

Sevilla · Mar 17, 2010

kurzon said:
All email/phone/everything in and out of America has been cut off for two months and it only constitutes a 'rumour'? Not a massive international crisis, front-page blaring headlines every moment of every day, people huddled on street corners, near-riots of stranded tourists, hoarding, major powers gearing up to war readiness, world finance collapsing?

Totally off the topic of your post, but my suspension of disbelief just went "twang".

Love it or hate it, if America (the US presumably) actually did that, the entire planet would melt down in an orgy of fear and loathing.

[Possibly I've missed some aspect of the story, but just do have to say that I would struggle as a reader with a book which didn't have the entire planet melting down if the US behaved in such a way. Would be a fascinating story which did do that, though. All those tourists instantly transformed into refugees, massive conspiracy theories, the view from the Space Station, the attempts to get over the border... The effect on the internet alone I couldn't guess since I don't know what major hubs and services are hosted in the US.]

In my story, "The United States of America" no longer exists. It's now a military dictatorship, and has been very closed-off for a long time, more than 30 years. The main character went to England 8 years before, for university, and just stayed there at the insistence of her parents, because it's gotten steadily worse in America. The government rules by fear, a secret police force keeps everyone watched...in short, it's NOT the same US as we have now

kurzon · Mar 17, 2010

Sounds like a cool story, Sevilla.

PeterL · Mar 17, 2010

You do not use too many pronouns. If you were comparing your writing to the writing of a man, then you might use more, but that is one of the differences between men and women.

Fallen · Mar 17, 2010

PeterL said:
You do not use too many pronouns. If you were comparing your writing to the writing of a man, then you might use more, but that is one of the differences between men and women.

Good point.

Lady Ice · Mar 18, 2010

fenroyal said:
Also, why is an American calling her mother "Mum," which is a British expression?

ETA--oh, nevermind, that was a replier's addition. No worries, then! I like the idea of an "electronic curtain," really caught my attention and interest.

I think I heard somewhere that they do use 'Mum' in some parts of America, although I agree, it's not common.

defyalllogic · Mar 18, 2010

Lady Ice said:
I think I heard somewhere that they do use 'Mum' in some parts of America, although I agree, it's not common.

I do it. (new englander) but i also went through a phase where i called her "woman" ....

I use too many pronouns

Sevilla

defyalllogic

i'm a girl. (i have tendonitis)

Sevilla

Ken

blacbird

TheIT

Infuriatingly Theoretical

kurzon

Witch_turtle

hanging around for a spell

Rhys Cordelle

maestrowork

Fear the Death Ray

Jamie Stone

lost in the TVTropes.org jungle...

Sevilla

kurzon

Sevilla

kurzon

PeterL

Fallen

Stood at the coalface

Lady Ice

Makes useful distinctions

defyalllogic

i'm a girl. (i have tendonitis)