FINAL NEWBIE ANNOYANCE

commasplicer · Mar 13, 2010

Help...
Is there any grammatical flaws in the following paragraph?

From the peak of rapture, I fell into the abyss. That was Christmas Day, four years ago.
Surrounded by a sea of slash and spruce, I turn left onto the narrow dirt road that leads to my destination, the home of Pastor Malachi Bissonnet. I flash my high beams to combat the night, unveiling a wall of fog. The eyes of an opossum glow red in the road ahead, seconds before they disappear under my truck. The hiccup of tire over body evokes in me no remorse. It should, yet I feel nothing. There was a time in my life, though, when I cared about such things.
Thanks!

Terie · Mar 14, 2010

Commasplicer, it's great that you know enough to question your work, but if you want to be a professional writer, you have to learn how to find this stuff out for yourself. You won't be able to expect potentially thousands of people to address your proofreading issues.

What you need to do is get a good grammar book or three or eight. Then, after researching something, if you still don't understand, by all means ask.

I'd recommend books to you, but I haven't lived in the US for nearly ten years and don't know what the best current resources available for US usage are. Maybe Maryn can help out with that.

I know that the Merriam-Webster's Dictionary has a nice section on grammar, which is usually the first place I look. I also have the Merriam-Webster Dictionary of English Usage, which has great information on word usage and some but not much on grammar. I also have books such as the following:

Merriam-Webster Concise Handbook for Writers
Oxford Dictionary of English Grammar
Oxford Guide to English Usage
Oxford Essential Guide to the English Language
Chicago Manual of Style
Gregg Reference Manual
The Elements of Style (William Strunk, Jr, and EB White)
The Elements of Grammar (Margaret Shertzer)
The Elements of Editing (Arthur Plotnik)

I also have a significant number of reference books on tech writing, as that's my day job, but little of that has relevance for fiction and non-technical non-fiction.

Many years ago, I had a fantastic grammar book published by Little, Brown. I think it was called The Little, Brown Book of Grammar. (Clever, eh?

) It got lost as I moved around over the years, but if there's a modern edition of that, I'd recommend it as a good starting point.

commasplicer · Mar 14, 2010

Thank you

I will arm myself with several of those selections. You all have been very helpful.

Mike

Synonym · Mar 14, 2010

Whenever I think something is questionable, a quick internet search will usually do the trick also.

Arkie · Mar 14, 2010

By the way, if you ever wonder why a chicken crosses the road, it is to prove to the possums that it can be done.

Rambutanious · Mar 14, 2010

I'd hate to be unpopular, so I'll follow suite and won't go into details.

commasplicer said:
The eyes of an opossum glow red in the road ahead, seconds before they disappear under my truck.

I believe it should read:

The eyes of an opossum glow red on the road ahead, seconds before they disappear under my truck.

It's not much, but it's something.

Good luck with your story!

Bufty · Mar 15, 2010

Is Are there any grammatical flaws...?

Sandi LeFaucheur · Mar 15, 2010

Well, you're using both present and past tense. Read it through again. It should jump out and hit you in the nose.

Jamesaritchie · Mar 15, 2010

You have past and present mixed, and you being with a grammatical error. Is there any grammatical flaws

Sirius · Mar 15, 2010

Surely the present tense is to imply the segue into the memory of "four years ago"? I'm not sure it works stylistically, but it seems to me a valid choice provided it is a choice.

However, that would make it two paras not one; I certainly don't think changing tense mid para is advisable.

And, definitely, "Are there any grammatical flaws..."

LynnKHollander · Mar 29, 2010

Rambutanious said:
... so I'll follow suite and won't go into details.

Suit of cards, suite of rooms. Also a suite of attendants, but they generally follow you.

jinkang · Mar 30, 2010

Sandi LeFaucheur said:
Well, you're using both present and past tense. Read it through again. It should jump out and hit you in the nose.

I'm curious. Should it be 'on' the nose or 'in' the nose?

Since commasplicer has gone to search for ref. books, I thought I might give it a try, since I'm probably on the same boat anyway.

-----

From the peak of rapture, I fell into the abyss. That was Christmas Day, four years ago.

# ( I think this is all that's needed. )

Surrounded by a sea of slash and spruce, I turn left onto the narrow dirt road that leads to my destination, the home of Pastor Malachi Bissonnet. I flash my high beams to combat the night, unveiling a wall of fog. The eyes of an opossum glow red in(on) the road ahead, seconds before they disappear under my truck. The ~~hiccup of tire over body~~(slight jolt) evokes in me no remorse. It should, yet I feel nothing. ~~There was a time in my life, though, when I cared about such things.~~(I recall a time in my life when I did care.)

backslashbaby · Mar 30, 2010

"In the" vs "on the" might be an American thing. "In the road" sounds better to my American ears

Bufty · Mar 30, 2010

To my ears and eyes it's 'on' in the example above.

Cars usually drive on the road not in the road.

Rain falls on the road not in the road.

But people stand in the road and snow lies on the road.

And puddles form on the road.

Etc., but I don't have American ears.

claws2 · Mar 30, 2010

The eyes of an opossum glow red in the road ahead,

Me a yank.

To me, "in the road" is good.

If it was "The eyes of an opossum glow red on the road ahead," then I'd assume that the eyes were on the surface of the road. That is, the possum was already squished flat.

... But then this might be an East side versus West side of the pond. Ya say "boot," we say "trunk." Ya spell "tyre," we spell "tire." Ya like inserting extra letters like "e" and "u" ...

Aside: Imo, "hit you on the nose," is preferable, or so my ears are whispering to me, so that the nose won't hear them. Sensitive nose, ya know.

Bufty · Mar 31, 2010

Wayne K · Mar 31, 2010

I don't like either. The opossum's eyes aren't on or in the road.

jinkang · Mar 31, 2010

Wayne K said:
I don't like either. The opossum's eyes aren't on or in the road.

True enough.

PGK · Apr 7, 2010

Bufty said:
But people stand in the road and snow lies on the road.

.

I believe this is because "in the road" for people implies "in the middle of the road."

It's technically impossible to be in the road unless you were put there when the asphalt was applied and you have become a part of the road just like any stray pebbles that found their way into the mixture when it was being paved.

This is (to me) the equivalent of "punched in the head." In the head means the person's fist went through the skull and landed inside the head. But we say it anyway as an idiom.

To the OP: Aside from some grammatical problems, I quite liked that paragraph.

Kishaz · Apr 11, 2010

Bufty said:
To my ears and eyes it's 'on' in the example above.

Cars usually drive on the road not in the road.

Rain falls on the road not in the road.

But people stand in the road and snow lies on the road.

And puddles form on the road.

Etc., but I don't have American ears.

Correct me if I'm wrong for seeing it like this, but "In the road" makes more sense to me. One can look into a road, which is what the narrator is doing when he sees the possums. You can't look onto a road- that sounds like you're shoving your eyeballs against the asphalt. :'D

NeuroFizz · Apr 12, 2010

One non-grammatical note--are you sure the eyes glow RED? The glowing of eyes of nocturnal animals is usually due to a reflective layer behind the retina called the tapetum lucidum. Since it reflects light and doesn't produce it, it will retain the qualities of stimulating "white" light. Headlights will reflect as glowing white, not red. I'm not even sure if red light will reflect back as glowing red in the t.l.

Note in edit--it is possible to get red eyeshine in some animals (as well as other colors), but it depends on the angle and the type of stimulating light. The bottom line - a little research is necessary to see what kind of light reflection comes from an opossum (at a distance) that is illuminated with car headlights.

CaroGirl · Apr 12, 2010

NeuroFizz said:
One non-grammatical note--are you sure the eyes glow RED? The glowing of eyes of nocturnal animals is usually due to a reflective layer behind the retina called the tapetum lucidum. Since it reflects light and doesn't produce it, it will retain the qualities of stimulating "white" light. Headlights will reflect as glowing white, not red. I'm not even sure if red light will reflect back as glowing red in the t.l.

Note in edit--it is possible to get red eyeshine in some animals (as well as other colors), but it depends on the angle and the type of stimulating light. The bottom line - a little research is necessary to see what kind of light reflection comes from an opossum (at a distance) that is illuminated with car headlights.

Or drive around at night until one runs into the path of your car and take note of how its eyes look right before you hit it.

shadowwalker · Apr 12, 2010

Depending on time of night, height of animal and angle, I've seen red, green and white. (I live in the country and worked graveyard shift, so I saw a lot of various animals

)

Rufus Coppertop · Apr 22, 2010

commasplicer said:
Help...
Is there any grammatical flaws in the following paragraph?

There's a grammatical flaw in this question.

HistorySleuth · Apr 22, 2010

I flash my high beams to combat the night, unveiling a wall of fog.

While you're in the road checking out red eyeballs .....
I live in the country. If you put on your high beams it will not "unveil" the fog it will make it a thicker wall of "I can't see a dang thing!" When I read it unveiling implied to me the fog was falling away.

I'll have to think about the eyeball thing. I think they might be red. Deer are white, cats are yellow, but in a fog, I'm not sure now. Interesting detail, but the fog may add a different element to it.

FINAL NEWBIE ANNOYANCE

Writer is as Writer does

a reader's ear and a writer's heart

Where have the last ten years gone?

This space intentionally left blank

Learning

~~~~*~~~~

Where have the last ten years gone?

Where have the last ten years gone?

Learning

They put those words in my head!

Of the premature fish.

The grad students did it

Living the dream

empty-nester!

Researching History's Mysteries

*