Help me!

commasplicer · Mar 13, 2010

Hi all,

I am new here and on the verge of insanity. I have a simple question, I think.

In the following sentence, which is the correct way to express the time?

One summer day, I was seven at the time, I shot a cardinal.
One summer day, I would have been seven at the time, I shot a cardinal.
One summer day, I was seven at this time, I shot a cardinal.
One summer day, I would have been seven at this time, I shot a cardinal.
One summer day, I was seven at that time, I shot a cardinal.
One summer day, I would have been seven at that time, I shot a cardinal.

I know not why I struggle with this, yet I do. If anyone can prevent me from cutting my ear off, your efforts will be greatly appreciated. And if it's not too much to ask, explain.

Thanks,

Mike

Maryn · Mar 13, 2010

Hiya, Mike, and welcome.

Can I pick "None of the above"?

The reason it's not easy is that you're inserting a complete sentence in the middle of another sentence. We do that, of course, in speech--but we don't have to punctuate what we say, thank goodness.

Consider One summer day when I was seven, I shot a cardinal.

If it's important to keep the phrasing the way it is, consider changing the punctuation to reflect a self-interruption: One summer day--I was seven at the time--I shot a cardinal.

As to the was vs. would have, and the the vs. this vs. that, it's largely a matter of the way your character would express himself or herself. I doubt anyone I know would use at this time in this context.

Maryn, not all that helpful, though friendly

commasplicer · Mar 13, 2010

Thanks

You are most helpful!

jinkang · Mar 14, 2010

I'd go with none of the above too.

How about this?

One summer day, I shot a cardinal. I was seven at the time.

Here, the emphasis is on the age, which I think is the point.

Sandi LeFaucheur · Mar 15, 2010

I just feel sorry for those half-dozen cardinals you shot!

MJP · Mar 17, 2010

I think that's actually a pretty good trick. If you're struggling to make sense of a sentence, then perhaps it's better to rewrite it from scratch!

Chris P · Mar 17, 2010

As for that/this, I was/would have been, the top one is the most correct (to my eyes, anyway). I agree with Maryn, that if the word order is important em dashes should be used instead of the commas.

bonitakale · Mar 18, 2010

If you shoot a cardinal, do you get to keep his little red hat?

Seriously, this one:
"One summer day, I would have been seven at this time, I shot a cardinal," would work if the speaker is not a native English speaker.

Otherwise, do what they said.

shaldna · Mar 19, 2010

jinkang said:
One summer day, I shot a cardinal. I was seven at the time.

This is what I would have gone for too.

Jamesaritchie · Mar 19, 2010

You can probably find a hundred ways to write this. But I'd go with none of the above, as well.

Help me!

commasplicer

Maryn

I Tried

commasplicer

jinkang

Learning

Sandi LeFaucheur

MJP

Chris P

Likes metaphors mixed, not stirred

bonitakale

shaldna

The cake is a lie. But still cake.

Jamesaritchie