Critique my query please

[ANNIE]

Okay beat it into submission, what ever needs to be done with it. this is only a first draft, but feel free to get your agressions out! LOL

Dear-

Take one tortured, dazed, confused man, add an innocent woman who still believes in fairies and happily-ever-afters, mix well with a dash of vengeful, psychotic madman and you get a recipe for redemtion, revenge and maybe even salvation.

Kyla O'Shea should have stayed in bed the day she found Derry Brandon beaten and unconscious in her rural, Maine woods. Now she could never go back to the life she once knew. She learns from Derry that humanity has a little over two weeks until it is all but wiped off the face of the Earth. Oh, yeah, he knows this because he is one of the survivors. Derry comes from Kyla's future. Some days just aren't worth getting up for. Pursued through time by a man whose only purpose in life is to make Derry suffer for a crime he never committed, complicated things. The clock is ticking and humanities very existance is all that's at stake. No pressure.

Keeper of the Dream is an approximately 89,000 word manuscript that is complete and would appeal to readers of Diana Gaboldon. As a registered nurse for the last twenty years, my experience and knowledge has been invaluable in many of medically related scenes. Enclosed is a synopsis and the first three chapters, as requested. I would be happy to send you the manuscript in its entirety for your approval. enclosed is a SASE for your convience. I am looking forward to hearing from you.

Sincerly-

[aspiringwriter]

Sounds very intriguing.!!!

[ANNIE]

Thanks Bill!

[aspiringwriter]

You are quite welcome :) I like the premise of it too... I just wonder what is going to happen :)

[Julie Worth]

Below is what I would do. It's very good, very interesting. (I deleted the first paragraph, as it was just too cute.)


Dear-

Kyla O'Shea should have stayed in bed the day she found Derry Brandon beaten and unconscious in her rural, Maine woods [not sure where this is, her backyard?]. Now she could never go back to the life she once knew. She learns from Derry that humanity has a little over two weeks until it is all but wiped off the face of the Earth. Oh, yeah, he knows this because he is one of the survivors. Derry comes from Kyla's future. Some days just aren't worth getting up for [for whom?]. Pursued through time by a man whose only purpose in life is to make Derry suffer for a crime he never committed, complicated things [what?]. The clock is ticking and [humanity's] very [existence] is all that's at stake. No pressure.

KEEPER OF THE DREAM is complete at 90,000 words. It should appeal to readers of Diana Gaboldon . As a registered nurse for the last twenty years, my experience and knowledge has been invaluable in many of medically related scenes.

Enclosed is a synopsis, SASE, and the first three chapters, as requested. [Assuming they [i]were requested!] I would be happy to send you the full manuscript of KEEPER OF THE DREAM for your consideration.

[Sincerely,]

[ANNIE]

Julie,
Thanks for the suggestions. I have a question though-
SOME DAYS AREN'T WORTH GETTING UP FOR.(WHAT)- did you mean that I should be more specific or that the line was confusing?

Thanks,

Annie

[aspiringwriter]

Annie...I still like it !!

[ANNIE]

Ah, Bill you're sweet- will you be my agent!

[Julie Worth]

Julie,
Thanks for the suggestions. I have a question though-
SOME DAYS AREN'T WORTH GETTING UP FOR.(WHAT)- did you mean that I should be more specific or that the line was confusing?

Thanks,

Annie

I didn't know who, actually. Who was getting up and thinking it wasn't worth it?

[Bufty]

Annie, what does this sentence mean and is it in the right tense?

Pursued through time by a man whose only purpose in life is to make Derry suffer for a crime he never committed, complicated things

[ANNIE]

Bufty- Hmm, Nope it's not in the correct tense, (first draft and all that)

It sould probably read something like this;

Being pursued through time, by a madman whose only purpose in life is to make Derry suffer for a crime he never committed, complicates things.

Geesh that has some flow issues- any suggestions?

[jackie106]

Hi Annie,

My comments are in bold.


Take one tortured, dazed, confused man, add an innocent woman who still believes in fairies [This confused me because you don't mention fairies anywhere else in the synopsis. Is Derry a fairy? If so, you need to include that information.] and happily-ever-afters, mix well with a dash of vengeful, psychotic madman and you get a recipe for [redemption], revenge and maybe even salvation.

Kyla O'Shea should have stayed in bed the day she found Derry Brandon beaten and unconscious in her rural, Maine woods. her rural, Maine woods." Maybe you could say "near her home deep in the woods of rural Maine."] Now she could never go back to the life she once knew. She learns from Derry that humanity has a little over two weeks until it is all but wiped off the face of the Earth. Oh, yeah, he knows this because he is one of the survivors. [Maybe this would be a good time to explain how he travels through time. Is he a supernatural being? Did he invent a time machine?] Derry comes from Kyla's future. Some days just aren't worth getting up for. ["Some days just aren't worth getting up for" seems out of context. Is this the way that Kyla feels? Or Derry? Or the villain?] Pursued through time by a man [How does this man travel through time? Is he also a supernatural being? Did he sell his soul to the devil? Did he steal Derry's time machine?] whose only purpose in life is to make Derry suffer for a crime he never committed, complicated things. [The previous sentence is a little awkward.] The clock is ticking and [humanity's] very existance is all that's at stake. No pressure.

Keeper of the Dream [Italicize titles.] is an approximately 89,000 word [Mention the genre. Is it a supernatural thriller, fantasy, sci-fi? It sounds like fantasy, but you shouldn't make the agent guess.] manuscript that is complete and would appeal to readers of Diana [Gabaldon]. [See her homepage (http://www.cco.caltech.edu/~gatti/gabaldon/gabaldon.html).] As a registered nurse for the last twenty years, my experience and knowledge has been invaluable in many of medicallyrelated scenes. [You don't mention any medical scenes in your synopsis, so this sentence seems out of place.] Enclosed is a synopsis, SASE and the first three chapters, as requested. I would be happy to send you the manuscript in its entirety for your approval. Enclosed is a SASE for your convience. [Delete this sentence and add SASE above. You already have a sentence that begins "Enclosed is a..." in this paragraph.] I am looking forward to hearing from you.

[Sincerely] -

Sounds like an interesting story, but your query needs a little work. (Condensing an entire novel into a few paragraphs is freaking hard!) Watch out for misspelled words. Some agents will stop reading if they see an error.

Can't wait to see your next draft.

Jackie

[Niesta]

I would remove the words "Oh, yeah" from the beginning of that one sentence, unless the tone is really supposed to be comical. It's too conversational, and jars with the rest of the tone.

Also, the first time I read it I did not understand who "for a crime he didn't commit" referred to, Derry or the madman. It might help to name the madman.

It does sound like an interesting story!

[ANNIE]

Kyla O'Shea should have stayed in bed the day she found Derry Brandon beaten and unconscious near her home, deep in the woods of rural Maine. Now she could never go back to the life she once knew. She learns from Derry that humanity has a little more than two weeks until it is all but wiped off the face of the Earth. Oh, yeah, he knows this because he's one of the survivors. Accidently sent through tme through a portal called a vortex - a sort of doorway through time - Derry comes from Kyla's future. Kyla begins to wonder if some days are even worth getting up for. Pursued from his own time into the past, Derry is being hunted by an obssessive madman who wants nothing more out of life than to make Derry suffer for a crime he never committed. It complicates things. Derry has sixteen days to convince Kyla that he is telling the truth, find a way to prevent the series of events that lead to the end of civilization and keep from getting killed in the process. The clock is ticking and mankind's very existance is at stake. No pressure.


KEEPER OF THE DREAM is a 90,000 word time travel/ fantasy manuscript that is complete an would appeal to readers of Diana Gabaldon and Jennifer Roberson. My twenty years experience as a registered nurse has been invaluable in scenes when the characters are injured (which is often!) or ill. Enclosed is a synopsis, the first three chapters and a SASE for your conveinence. I would be happy to send the manuscript to you in its entirety for your consideration. I am looking forward to hearing form you.

Sincerly-

Please ingnore any misspellings as my husband and kids were talking in my ear and asking me questions as I tried to type this! Geesh!. We're heading to VA tomorrow morning and my hubby is freaked over packing tonight.
Thanks for any reviews I appreciate them.

Annie

[stormie]

As another poster said, cut out the "oh,yeah." Also, cut out the "which is often!" words that are in parenthesis in the second paragraph.

Other than that, I like this query. Your ms. sounds intriguing!

[kohuether]

Hi Annie- I think the first sentence of the query is great, just a little longer than I'd make it. I believe you'd increase the impact of it if you said:

Kyla O'Shea should have stayed in bed the day she found Derry Brandon beaten and unconscious.

Then, I would build it from there. Give some more sensory details, too. What did the woods look like? Were they darker than usual? Were the birds acting strange? Did she smell a strange smell? I would spend that first paragraph giving 3-4 additional sentences with some descriptive details then begin the second paragraph with "Now she could never go back to the life she knew"

Hope this helps!

[ANNIE]

Wow, Thanks for all the help. Your suggestions make it much stronger.

Back to another rewrite and then I really do have to finish packing!
Annie

[aspiringwriter]

Annie..I wish I could be your agent...I need one myself now that i'm about halfway writing my mystery novel!!!

[Syrra]

Just my 2 cents. I changed some of your verb tenses and tightened it up a little bit.


Some days just aren’t worth getting up for. Kyla O'Shea should have stayed in bed the day she found Derry Brandon beaten and unconscious near her home, deep in the woods of rural Maine. Now she can never go back to the life she once knew. She learns from Derry that humanity has a little more than two weeks until it is all but wiped off the face of the Earth. He knows this because he's one of the survivors, accidentally sent through a time portal. Pursuing Derry through time, [Name], an obsessive madman, wants nothing more than to make Derry suffer for a crime he never committed. Derry has sixteen days to convince Kyla that he is telling the truth, find a way to prevent the end of civilization, and keep himself alive. The clock is ticking and mankind's very existence is at stake.

Keeper of the Dream is a completed 90,000 word time-travel fantasy that would appeal to the readers of Diana Gabaldon and Jennifer Roberson. Enclosed is a synopsis, the first three chapters and a SASE for your convenience. I would be happy to send the manuscript to you in its entirety for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.


:)
Syrra