question about metaphors? [edited]

bkwriter · Jan 20, 2010

Ok. I have a charater in a place of fog and am just wondering if this wording in correct, or even sound right?

If there were they had been obscured by the thickness of water looking like (soup her grandma made).

thanks

KTC · Jan 20, 2010

Metaphors

The sentence doesn't really make a lot of sense as is. You may want to edit it.

If there were they had been obscured by the thickness of water looking like (soup her grandma made).

water isn't thick.
one would assume that grandma's homemade soup would look thicker than water.
there are a few things wrong with this sentence.

'if there were they had been' is also problematic.

bettielee · Jan 20, 2010

I think you mean "water thick as soup" ?? But why is the water thick? Do you mean it's murky and you can't see through it?

benbradley · Jan 20, 2010

Perhaps giving us the previous sentence would help make for better context, but it looks to me that a comma may help this sentence:

If there were, they had been ...

Jersey Chick · Jan 20, 2010

Why not just call it fog? Then describe the thickness of it? But watch the soup thing, it's cliche. If you can come up with a better one, use it.

I'm also claiming confusion on the sentence, though. It's late, I'm tired, but it doesn't make sense to me.

MacAllister · Jan 20, 2010

And not to nitpick, but if you use "like" or "as" it's actually a simile, not a metaphor.

bkwriter · Jan 21, 2010

Ok, thangs for the correction of the spelling and the term. All my writing books are packed. I should have said my charater is in fog. So, the soup thing has been done a lot? I'll post the sentance, maybe that will help.

absitinvidia · Jan 21, 2010

bkwriter said:
Ok, thangs for the correction of the spelling and the term. All my writing books are packed. I should have said my charater is in fog. So, the soup thing has been done a lot? I'll post the sentance, maybe that will help.

Fog is frequently described as "pea soup": pea soup fog, fog thick as pea soup, etc.

question about metaphors? [edited]

bkwriter

KTC

Stand in the Place Where You Live

bettielee

I'm a sparkly fairy princess!

benbradley

It's a doggy dog world

Jersey Chick

Up all night to get Loki

MacAllister

Tired and worried.

bkwriter

absitinvidia

A bit of a wallflower