Character Doubts

By your description, I wouldn't enjoy reading about this character because his POV would wind up being very unfocused and difficult to follow.

That said, I don't think I could make a judgement call on whether your flighty, immature 20-year-old works without having read the manuscript itself. If you received this comment from an actual reader, then yes, something wasn't working for them. Deciding what to do/whether to do anything to fix it is up to you.

Kaiser-Kun said:

I'm having a few doubts due to a comment I received about my main character.

My MC, Vynen, is a twenty-year old mage, and his main trait is that he can't concentrate on anything for more than a minute. He tends to follow his instincts and improvise on the spot, and he frequently acts childish or goofy.

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I'm going to disagree with the previous post, this [the bold] would hook me in. I would read it.

However, the 'childish and goofy' thing could annoy me if he was doing idiotic things.

Sounds different, I like that.

The story is told from third person, and it never deviates as Vynen's thoughts do. The person who made the comment read only the fourth chapter, where he ends up doing something stupid while hoping to help (throwing a backpack attempting to jam a train's doors, the backpack -with most of their supplies- passed through and the train departed with it).

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It's possible your reader was picking up on the narrative and projecting it onto your character.

What I mean by that is: Your character loses his supplies, which most likely is now a huge problem for you character. Did you, the author, take the "easy way out" in making a new obstacle for your character? Can you figure another way in which your character loses his supplies, but perhaps in a more difficult manner? Maybe, maybe not. And maybe that's not even the point. But sometimes you should look at other solutions to readers' comments, should you feel they are justified--it might not be your character needs to grow up or made younger; perhaps this scenario just isn't the right way to move the plot forward.

Kaiser-Kun said:

The story is told from third person, and it never deviates as Vynen's thoughts do. The person who made the comment read only the fourth chapter, where he ends up doing something stupid while hoping to help (throwing a backpack attempting to jam a train's doors, the backpack -with most of their supplies- passed through and the train departed with it).

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Sounds good to me. Is there something important in the bag?

One thing I've learnt, is that some critters shouldn't be allowed to own a pen! I've been told: the pace is too slow; the pace is too fast; this reads like a first draft [it wasn't it had agent requests for partials and fulls]; this is s*** [once again, gained agent interest.]

If it's a frequent comment then maybe rethink things. If it's just one person I wouldn't place too much emphasis on it.

It sounds like a great character. Keep steamin' ahead. If you finish the whole thing and want to change it later, you can certainly do that.

Well, I certainly like the question. My MC is imperfect in the way that bugs people, too, but part of that is for character growth later. Mostly, she's just the sort of person you want to protect, and you know she means no harm. The trick I need to pull off is having readers want to root for her, even though she's more likely to screw it up than usual.

There could be a gender divide, too

In any case, my WIP isn't for someone who wants a blazing hero on page one. I need a book about how to write the underdog!

Kaiser-Kun said:

One thing that motivated me for making Vynen a sort-of-but-not-quite-a-loser was that in most fantasy novels that I read, the MC was the best swordsman, a magic prodigy, impressive strategist, expert in their field... I wanted someone who goes on, despite being deemed useless.

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See, and I love this concept to pieces. If you're not focusing POV through Vynen's eyes at all, then yeah, that's not an issue. I assume a tight third person by default lately. ^_^

I guess the thing I didn't get from your intial description was a sense that the character has redeeming value. From childish, goofy, can't concentrate, I get the sense of a person who can't (and shouldn't) be counted on for much, and who probably isn't trying very hard, either. But if the point of your story is that somebody who isn't the absolute best at something can still save the day, I can get behind that. I'd just be sure to lay the groundwork to make him determined to prove them all wrong, or show why he would transform into someone responsible along the way, or however you plan that arc to play out.

Kaiser-Kun said:

Thank you!
One thing that motivated me for making Vynen a sort-of-but-not-quite-a-loser was that in most fantasy novels that I read, the MC was the best swordsman, a magic prodigy, impressive strategist, expert in their field... I wanted someone who goes on, despite being deemed useless.

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Ah. Sort of like Frodo in Lord of the Rings. You've got a great character concept there. I think, as has been mentioned, sometimes it's just a question of how we bring out those traits or highlight a particular story arc.

I got a comment from one of my beta's about my MC that really knocked me on my ass. He said he thought she came across as an ungrateful brat who deserved a swift slap and he kept waiting for the point in the story where he would start to like her. Which upset me a bit because that wasn't how I wanted her to come across. But then I realized there were things I knew about her, things in the backstory that influenced the way she dealt with people, that weren't in the novel. Without knowing those things she did seem like a brat.

So, you might need to consider if the motivation for your MC's actions is coming across clearly. That might mean having a situation in which his impulsiveness/ability to think on his feet DOES "save the day". And then a situation where it ends in catastrophe. That way the reader sees "Oh, he's impulsive." and not "He's a retard."

Just my two cents.

I feel like I could like a character like this as long as I didn't feel like he was stupid or unable to accomplish anything.

Going to post my inital reactions to your post.

I'm having a few doubts due to a comment I received about my main character.

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Natural.

My MC, Vynen, is a twenty-year old mage, and his main trait is that he can't concentrate on anything for more than a minute.

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Ohhhh, this could be fun! Wonder if he's ADD or OCD? He's older so he might be OCD.

He tends to follow his instincts and improvise on the spot, and he frequently acts childish or goofy.

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Hmph. Perhaps ADD if he's still acting young. I like how he improvises, and I bet there are some hilarious "Oh fuck..." moments.

He's not stupid: the reason why he can't concentrate is because he's always thinking about many things at once and loses the thread.

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Hmmm. I was wrong on both occasions. I liked my reasons better though. I have to say most people think non-stop. We day dream. But, when I need to focus, I can. The fact that the character is lacking in self control does turn me off.

The comment I received was that I should either make him smarter

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Please don't make him overly smart. That tends to be annoying when there's this genius character, yet the entire book I don't find anything he says or does to be... genius.

or younger

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You can put an age on a character, but if they act young, they're going to be looked at as young -- regardless.

and that the situations that happened because of this (some silly, some serious) turned the story appealing only to Young Adult readers, rather than fantasy readers.

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I think it depends. I believe that if your story has an adult that they can connect with, adults will read the story. If you story has an adult that acts childish, younger people will connect with that character. If that character has a friend that acts his/her age, the reader can connect with that person. If you don't have someone for an older audience to connect with, then no, it won't appeal to most adults. The "age" is only a number. How he acts defines his true age.

Is my character unrealistic or unappealing?

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The lack of self control is not appealing. The idea of an ADD/OCD physco that gets distracted is appealing. But that's just my two cents. The real question is if it's a fantasy, is your MC just a protagonist or his he a hero?

There is a ton of humorous fantasy written for an adult audience. I don't think your character or story would be out of place in the genre.

Kaiser-Kun said:

The story is told from third person, and it never deviates as Vynen's thoughts do. The person who made the comment read only the fourth chapter, where he ends up doing something stupid while hoping to help (throwing a backpack attempting to jam a train's doors, the backpack -with most of their supplies- passed through and the train departed with it).

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If you write humor well I think this could be quite fun.

Yeah, I loved the bit about having the supply bag get thrown onto the train. I'd read the whole book if there were even 3 events similar to this (ie. he means well, but it turns pear-shaped and he's left thinking, "Fuck, my friends aren't going to like this!")

I'm 25 and I still connect with teenagers in novels, and as far up to mid-30s. There isn't a huge difference IMO. So a 20 year old mage is supposedly aimed at 20 year old readers, but I'd say people aged 15-35 would enjoy reading him if he did things they found endearing in any sort of way, and that's just generalising. I'd have loved to have read a book like this at age 8, and I'm sure some 70 year olds would love it too.

Just from the description, it sounds to me like his biggest fault is being impulsive, which does tend to go in real life with people being slightly more immature, etc. I've known plenty of twenty (hell, thirty) year olds who act like they're still in elementary school, so I don't think it's unrealistic.

My guess, and this is of course assuming a lot because I haven't read the character, is that the fault lies in it not being clear enough to the reader that his impulsiveness/short attention span is due to the fact that he's really pretty smart and thinking of five things at once. I'd think a character like that was really interesting, personally, but it sounds to me like the reader wasn't picking up on the reason behind why the character acts this way.

Maybe the narrator needs to add in a tad of Vynen's crazy thought processes to show more clearly that it's not simply a matter of being dumb or immature, but also that he's processing five different things at one time. My guess is that if you clarify that more the character will make more sense and be easier to understand.

Just my own two cents.

I don't find anything wrong with the character per se.

Reminds me of Forest Gump.

The character sounds like he might become quite irritating- especially if he's the main character. If the protagonist keeps doing stupid things and being stupid, the reader might not see any point in reading on- especially seeing as it's the MC's fault.

Being careless and rushing into things would be less annoying to read but might be good to curb your character's behaviour. There's a line between funny and annoying.

Lady Ice said:

The character sounds like he might become quite irritating- especially if he's the main character. If the protagonist keeps doing stupid things and being stupid, the reader might not see any point in reading on- especially seeing as it's the MC's fault.

Being careless and rushing into things would be less annoying to read but might be good to curb your character's behaviour. There's a line between funny and annoying.

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I agree with this; I think it's something you want to be on a close look-out for. Lots of books have clumsy characters. And what I hate is a character who's clumsy for no real reason, who doesn't change, who does things I can't imagine myself doing in a moment of distraction. Also, most 'humorous' fantasy I've read has been annoying and childish.

However, I didn't get the sense that your character is being scatterbrained for the sake of being scatterbrained. He sounds like he has some legitimacy and honesty to him. As long as we can relate to what he's doing/experiencing, then his OCD tendencies will come across as an interesting conflict rather than an annoying situation.

As for the age, it might be difficult to tell without reading a section. Vynen doesn't sound that mature. He sounds like a good guy, just not a mature one. If you want him to be relatable to an adult audience, maybe you should give him a few more adult reactions to his goofy actions--let him weigh the consequences and such. There are very immature adults so it's 'realistic' in that sense. However, that doesn't mean adults would enjoy reading about it.

For the most part, your character sounds like an okay guy. I wouldn't re-haul his entire personality because of that one comment. And everything I said is precautionary--if you really do feel like there's some truth to the comment, then maybe you can try some of these suggestions. If not, I'd just be aware of the possibility of annoying people and try to temper Vynen whenever he starts to go overboard

-Feathers