Please help with my adverbitis...

Vimes · Jan 19, 2010

Gahhhh! I am having a total mental block. I have a passage in my MS where a girl is standing over someone that poses a threat to her... in fact, she's just managed to knock him down, and I have this daft line:

'She held the chair threateningly...'

Please, dear people, can you help me to think of a way to SHOW this. Not only am I just TELLING it, I'm also throwing an adverb in for good measure. I am feeling a bit dimwitted at the minute and literally can't think of how to describe 'threateningly' without doing the impossible and actually managing to sound more naff than the adverb.

Thank you so much and, like Michael Jackson, I love you all for your input!

Cassiopeia · Jan 19, 2010

How about:

Her knuckles turned white as she gripped the chair, lifting it in readiness, prepared to strike him down should he get up again.

Or something like that.

ChainsawLicker · Jan 19, 2010

I hate it when I do that lol

The Lonely One · Jan 19, 2010

Vimes said:
Gahhhh! I am having a total mental block. I have a passage in my MS where a girl is standing over someone that poses a threat to her... in fact, she's just managed to knock him down, and I have this daft line:

'She held the chair threateningly...'

Please, dear people, can you help me to think of a way to SHOW this. Not only am I just TELLING it, I'm also throwing an adverb in for good measure. I am feeling a bit dimwitted at the minute and literally can't think of how to describe 'threateningly' without doing the impossible and actually managing to sound more naff than the adverb.

Thank you so much and, like Michael Jackson, I love you all for your input!

Who finds the chair threatening? Is her hold on the chair thought of as threatening by herself? Is it her intention to do so? Perhaps to interject this perception of POV would be a kind of fix.

"She held the chair above her head, hoping to appear threatening..." or "as if to appear threatening"

That's pretty crappy writing on my part but with that basic principle...

AuburnAssassin · Jan 19, 2010

She seized the chair in a white-knuckled grip, poised to strike at the slightest hint of movement.

Gary Clarke · Jan 19, 2010

She lifted the chair, ready to hit him with it if necessary.

Maybe?

Madison · Jan 19, 2010

How does she hold the chair? What does her face look like? Is she afraid, triumphant? Trembling, white-faced, laughing, leering? Does she back toward the door, shake her (free) fist at him?

I think the problem might not only be the adverb, but also your verb. Choose a verb that (by itself) communicates threat and fear. Like gripped. Or something. You know what I mean. Held is kind of weak.

blacbird · Jan 19, 2010

Madison said:
I think the problem might not only be the adverb, but also your verb. Choose a verb that (by itself) communicates threat and fear . . . Held is kind of weak.

Quoted, because this is often the key problem with overuse of adverbs. Using stronger, more descriptive verbs is usually the best way to reduce the perceived need for qualifying adverbs.

caw

Fredster · Jan 19, 2010

Adverbs have their place. I see nothing wrong with the original sentence. We don't have to paint a picture with every little thing.

In Harry Potter's world, bridges creak threateningly.

In the King/Straub "Territories" of The Talisman, a character's stomach "felt threateningly liquid."

In the land of Dean Koontz's Christopher Snow, who has xeroderma pigmentosum, sunlight "glimmered threateningly" at the window.

It's okay to use them sometimes. Some sentences warrant them.

backslashbaby · Jan 19, 2010

She held the chair overhead, threatening to hit him.
She grabbed a chair and threatened to hit him.

I'd be more descriptive around it, about other things like his reaction, etc. But the actual threatening can be straightforward, imho.

Andrhia · Jan 19, 2010

I'm with blacbird. If you're unhappy with an adverb, the key to fixing it will be in finding a verb that more precisely describes what you mean.

Would "She threatened him with the chair" be out of order here? Can she brandish the chair, heft it, wield it, raise it over her head?

virtue_summer · Jan 19, 2010

Vimes said:
Gahhhh! I am having a total mental block. I have a passage in my MS where a girl is standing over someone that poses a threat to her... in fact, she's just managed to knock him down, and I have this daft line:

'She held the chair threateningly...'

Please, dear people, can you help me to think of a way to SHOW this. Not only am I just TELLING it, I'm also throwing an adverb in for good measure. I am feeling a bit dimwitted at the minute and literally can't think of how to describe 'threateningly' without doing the impossible and actually managing to sound more naff than the adverb.

Thank you so much and, like Michael Jackson, I love you all for your input!

You could add dialogue to the action to make her intentions clear:

She picked up the chair, hoisted it above her head. "Try moving. You won't get far."

You get the point. If she's threatening him, why doesn't she, you know, threaten him?

djf881 · Jan 19, 2010

In many cases, when you look to cut an adverb, you should try to find a stronger verb.

In this case, you can go with something as simple as "She threatened him with the chair."

Exir · Jan 19, 2010

Replacing a bland adverb with an equally bland non-adverb is not the solution. That's why I disagree with suggestions such as

She held the chair overhead, threatening to hit him.
She grabbed a chair and threatened to hit him.
She threatened him with the chair

Instead, show things in detail. HOW does she threaten him? Describe her actions as we would see it.

backslashbaby · Jan 19, 2010

Exir said:
Replacing a bland adverb with an equally bland non-adverb is not the solution. That's why I disagree with suggestions such as

Instead, show things in detail. HOW does she threaten him? Describe her actions as we would see it.

It may just not be my style to describe physical actions with much emphasis if they are easily pictured. The thoughts she is having, the dude's reaction -- all that needs emphasizing, but I hate how knuckles are always white and teeth are always gnashing in a lot of writing. If the emotions and situation are clear, the reader will picture exactly how the chair part looked if they like. IMHO.

Exir · Jan 19, 2010

backslashbaby said:
It may just not be my style to describe physical actions with much emphasis if they are easily pictured. The thoughts she is having, the dude's reaction -- all that needs emphasizing, but I hate how knuckles are always white and teeth are always gnashing in a lot of writing. If the emotions and situation are clear, the reader will picture exactly how the chair part looked if they like. IMHO.

I see your point.

Vimes · Jan 20, 2010

Madison said:
I think the problem might not only be the adverb, but also your verb. Choose a verb that (by itself) communicates threat and fear. Like gripped. Or something. You know what I mean. Held is kind of weak.

This is great advice!

Thank you so much, guys, you are my heroes! Given me lots to think about and lots of jumping off points to get moving with.

Thanks a mill!

shaldna · Jan 20, 2010

I'm a fan of pared down prose, so I would have simply said 'She held the chair.' or maybe 'She held the chair up'

But that's me. I hate overwritten explanations, so things like 'She grasped the chair with her slender hands, wrapping her fingers around it until her knuckles shone through like pearls in a teabag, and raised it high above her touselled hair, ready to strike it down with all the force her delicate frame could muster, should he so much as glance at her the wrong way through his starltlingly blue eyes.'

Bleh.

Albannach · Jan 20, 2010

backslashbaby said:
It may just not be my style to describe physical actions with much emphasis if they are easily pictured. The thoughts she is having, the dude's reaction -- all that needs emphasizing, but I hate how knuckles are always white and teeth are always gnashing in a lot of writing. If the emotions and situation are clear, the reader will picture exactly how the chair part looked if they like. IMHO.

I disagree--well, not about avoiding cliched physical descriptions. White knuckles is cliched.

But your original sentence gave me no picture at all. HOW do you hold a chair "threateningly"? Huh?

Your JOB is to give the reader pictures imo and I wonder why you are reluctant to do so.

Albannach · Jan 20, 2010

shaldna said:
I'm a fan of pared down prose, so I would have simply said 'She held the chair.' or maybe 'She held the chair up'

But that's me. I hate overwritten explanations, so things like 'She grasped the chair with her slender hands, wrapping her fingers around it until her knuckles shone through like pearls in a teabag, and raised it high above her touselled hair, ready to strike it down with all the force her delicate frame could muster, should he so much as glance at her the wrong way through his starltlingly blue eyes.'

Bleh.

There is a difference in giving a clear description and purple prose that also violates PoV. How would she see her hair was tousled and who thinks about their own "slender hands"?

But I do want to know if she is shaking with rage. How is she threatening with a chair? They're not guns. I don't see a chair as threatening anyway. Is she threatening to make him sit in the recliner or what?

Are you saying she has lifted it over her head? Then say so--although I have a hard time visualizing that. Why the heck would you threaten someone with a chair and how would you do it?

JackieA · Jan 20, 2010

HTML:

'She held the chair threateningly...'

or ~ She grabbed the nearest weapon to hand and weilded the chair over her head. ~

Call the chair a weapon and the reader understands her intentions.

KTC · Jan 20, 2010

she brandished the chair.

Bufty · Jan 20, 2010

Get to the point and say what you mean.

She grabbed the nearest chair and stabbed the legs into his stomach. "Get out, you bastard. Just get out. Now!"

lucidzfl · Jan 20, 2010

She hulked out! Her eyes mad with rage. Her head whipped around in all directions looking for something, anything, to beat the little boy with. Her, green, fury filled, radioactive eyes settled on the jewel studded golden throne at the front of the room. She leaped thirty feet from the doorway to the throne and with a single hand, grasped the unwieldy cathedra and held it above her head.

"I SAID, EAT YOUR SPROUTS!" she screamed, before flinging the three ton chair directly at her son's head.

backslashbaby · Jan 20, 2010

Albannach said:
I disagree--well, not about avoiding cliched physical descriptions. White knuckles is cliched.

But your original sentence gave me no picture at all. HOW do you hold a chair "threateningly"? Huh?

Your JOB is to give the reader pictures imo and I wonder why you are reluctant to do so.

Actually, the original sentence wasn't mine. I said,

She held the chair overhead, threatening to hit him.
She grabbed a chair and threatened to hit him.

I'd be more descriptive around it, about other things like his reaction, etc. But the actual threatening can be straightforward, imho.

But the pictures thing is true. What I do -- and this is just my style -- is choose which parts to emphasize and which parts to write in more plain terms. I wouldn't focus on the looks of her about the chair. The looks are the least important thing there to me, personally. The emotions, mainly, and also the look of the guy being threatened are where I'd focus if it's her POV.

It's my style to not describe everything as fully described as it could be; Show vs Tell be damned. I like to pick focus more.

But I'm not saying it can't work another way, at all. I'm just saying that I'd drop the rule a bit for that part and expand on the other aspects of the scene.

Please help with my adverbitis...

Otherwise Occupied

Oh snap, it's onomatopoeia!

Why is a raven like a writing desk?

Darkly Romantic Curmudgeon

Knackered

summertime...

Village idiot

~~~~*~~~~

Always learning

AW Addict

Out of the cradle endlessly rocking

~~~~*~~~~

Out of the cradle endlessly rocking

The cake is a lie. But still cake.

AW Addict

AW Addict

Stand in the Place Where You Live

Where have the last ten years gone?

Back from the dead

~~~~*~~~~

*

*

*