Writing In Writing

[Akuma]

I'm back to this site by the way ;). If you remember me, hello. If you've never met me, hello.

My question concerns writing within writing. In my novel, this detail keeps popping up and I'm unsure what to do with it. It's a grammatical thing so let me explain.

Mr. Character walked into the bathroom and was disgusted to see grafitti on the wall, proclaiming:
why are you reading this?
Now, I could put <----------('nother example of problem :P)

Mr. Character walked into the bathroom and was disgusted to see grafitti on the wall, proclaiming, "why are you reading this?".

The above example is fine and dandy but his seems to be a quick glance. If Mr. Character is disgusted at the words, he's sure to be goggling at them--so I like to make the words resonate. Plus, giving the phrase itself a different, crude style, makes things seem more real and grotesque.
Or, if I went back to my original form, but exchanged the "proclaiming:" with a "proclaiming,", would it be more correct or what?

This topic is undoubtedly discussed in Uncle Jim's but that hairy monster hasn't got a search engine and I haven't exactly gotten through it all.

If you understand what the hell I'm saying, please comment :)

[rowriter]

Hello! (i'm from CO too, smirk)

I can only give you my opinion on this, I'm sure someone better practiced with grammar can give you a definite answer:

I think it reads better with the comma, not the colon. I am interested to know why he is disgusted by this, so it grabs my attention either way. Also, maybe if you put the words in all caps they would stand out more? You could even add in a misspelling or something to make it more 'gritty'.

I would also take out the comma in between "wall" and "proclaiming." Otherwise you might run the risk of a reader thinking Mr. Character is saying it, not reading it (not likely, but it could happen).

rowriter

[SLake]

...proclaiming:
'Why are you reading this?'

I've dropped a line to add emphasis, but you could use caps: 'WHY ARE...?'

You're the writer, be inventive...

After the word 'proclaiming' -- me personally, I'd use the colon. Not forgetting, editors are sticky about consistency throughout. Use your style manual as a guide, pick a style then keep to that.

Instead of a colon you could use the '--' instead. It depends in these less rigid times on how you feel and what you like -- the idiosyncrasies of publishing houses too. Again, consistency throughout is important.

[maestrowork]

Why not just:


Mr. Character walked into the bathroom and was disgusted to see the grafitti on the wall: "Why are you reading this?"

[James D. Macdonald]

I'd break it into two sentences:


Mr. Character walked into the bathroom. He was disgusted to see the graffiti on the wall: "Why are you reading this?"

Note: Graffiti is plural. Graffito is singular. (Note the spelling, too.)