Multiple sentences between two fragments of a single sentence as dialog

Apple · Nov 29, 2009

Sorry if this has already been covered. I did search but couldn't find it.

I need some help with the following:

[FONT=&quot]“My wife has been experiencing some,” he looked at his wife. She was staring at the doctor’s desk with her arms folded, “hallucinations.”[/FONT]

I really don't know if the punctuation is correct. Perhaps it should be:

[FONT=&quot]“My wife has been experiencing some,” he looked at his wife; she was staring at the doctor’s desk with her arms folded, “hallucinations.”[/FONT]

Any suggestions anyone???

Thanks for your time

Chase · Nov 29, 2009

I understand the effect you're creating by giving the last word dramatic pause. I also see why you don't want a full stop in the middle of the descriptive flow of the pause.

I think your punctuation is grammatically correct, but what about something like:

“My wife has been experiencing some,” he looked her folded arms, her blank stare at the doctor’s desk, “hallucinations.”

Maryn · Nov 29, 2009

I disagree with Chase--in the nicest way possible, of course.

Dialogue attributes--the 'said' words, also known as tags--have to be synonyms for oral speech. You cannot look at someone, smile or frown, or fold your arms and produce words (although ten-year old boys can make amazing sounds involving hands and armpits).

What you have is an action line identifying the speaker, punctuated as if it were an attribute. There's also a violation of the common practice of no paragraph containing dialogue by one character containing dialogue or action/reaction by another character. It results in more paragraphs to break it up consistently, but it can reduce the number of tags needed.

I'd do the punctuation very differently:

“My wife has been experiencing some--” He looked at his wife.

She was staring at the doctor’s desk with her arms folded.

“--hallucinations.”

Maryn, not hallucinating at the moment

Apple · Nov 29, 2009

Maryn said:
I disagree with Chase--in the nicest way possible, of course.

Dialogue attributes--the 'said' words, also known as tags--have to be synonyms for oral speech. You cannot look at someone, smile or frown, or fold your arms and produce words (although ten-year old boys can make amazing sounds involving hands and armpits).

What you have is an action line identifying the speaker, punctuated as if it were an attribute.

Ah! (light bulb) this makes so much sense. I think this is where I am going wrong.

There's also a violation of the common practice of no paragraph containing dialogue by one character containing dialogue or action/reaction by another character. It results in more paragraphs to break it up consistently, but it can reduce the number of tags needed.

I'd do the punctuation very differently:

“My wife has been experiencing some--” He looked at his wife.

She was staring at the doctor’s desk with her arms folded.

“--hallucinations.”

Maryn, not hallucinating at the moment

Perfect. Thanks for your help!

Maryn · Nov 29, 2009

My pleasure. I may not write selling material, but golly-gee-whiz, it's well-punctuated.

Maryn, not comforted much

Ms Hollands · Nov 29, 2009

Maryn, you also have nice irons, so you know, that should be some comfort.

And by the way, I agree with you, which will obviously provide all the comfort you ever need in life, love and vocation.

Chase · Nov 29, 2009

Obviously too many irons in the foyer.

Vespertilion · Nov 29, 2009

Apple, I wrote several hundred thousand words punctuated like that before I realized that quotation marks do not read like hieroglyphics as "he or she said" to other people like they do to me.

Adding all those "saids" in was a real pain in the ass, so I have learned to love those em dashes of Maryn's.

Maryn · Nov 30, 2009

Although said is pretty much invisible to my eye, I'm turning more and more to action lines instead of attributes.

"Hi." Maryn thrust her hand out. "Pleased to meet you."

beats

"Hi," Maryn said, thrusting her hand out. "Pleased to meet you."

Although in reality I'm not a big hand-shaker and don't initiate it when I meet somebody.

Maryn, not big on eye contact, either

Multiple sentences between two fragments of a single sentence as dialog

Apple

Chase

It Takes All of Us to End Racism

Maryn

I Tried

Apple

Maryn

I Tried

Ms Hollands

Cow lover

Chase

It Takes All of Us to End Racism

Vespertilion

Flying blind on a rocket cycle.

Maryn

I Tried