Writing about Difficult Things

DustyBooks · Nov 12, 2009

So I've never been through anything really difficult or been very sick or injured, yet sometimes I can do really awful things to my characters.

I'm thinking that from a technical standpoint, it's not too different from writing about other experiences I've never had but have written: kissing, skydiving, landing a jet on an aircraft carrier, and floating in zero-gravity, to name a few. (I know, kissing looks funny in that list!) Read these scenes in books, watch them in movies, get the general idea, and find a non-cliche way of describing it. Transfer related sensations and emotions and magnify as necessary: roller coasters, swimming, jumping on a trampoline, the last time I was very stressed.

But when it comes to physical and emotional pain, I feel kind of...unworthy. Saying that you understand is a big no-no when a friend is going through tough stuff--so in writing about characters' ordeals, am I pretending to understand something entirely beyond the ken of sheltered me?

Wayne K · Nov 12, 2009

You just need to read a bunch of books. I'm not sure what they are, but someone will be along soon who does I'm sure.

scarletpeaches · Nov 12, 2009

I've never experienced half the things I put my characters through but I understand how they feel. I know fear and pain and hate and loss and anger and lust.

Their experiences are just the shell - their feelings are the core.

Mr Flibble · Nov 12, 2009

scarletpeaches said:
I've never experienced half the things I put my characters through but I understand how they feel. I know fear and pain and hate and loss and anger and lust.

Their experiences are just the shell - their feelings are the core.

Yup - this

My MCs have done waay more things than I ever have, or am likely to do. But I can empathise with how they ( not me) would feel about such things ( and as Wayne says, reading real life experiences does help too)

Empathy is your key here.

Besides we're writers. We get paid to lie

Wayne K · Nov 12, 2009

I'm a memoirist, so get screwed out of that little perk.

gothicangel · Nov 12, 2009

I've never been kidnapped, or perpetrated one.

I do know fear, despair, pain, and loss. So I think I know how to write a kidnapping [hopefully a publisher will agree with me!]

Bluegate · Nov 12, 2009

I think there are an awful lot of things that you can write about without having experienced but I think there are some that you simply can not without some personal exposure. I do think you can write around them and approximate them by reading but you are never going to fully know the depths of some things if you haven't been there. While at its best it may be technically accurate it will often lack a certain intangible authenticity. This is why young writers are often told to write about what they know.

Mr Flibble · Nov 12, 2009

I think that 'write about what you know' maybe pertains more to 'Write about what you know about people'

Everything else can be researched, but the writer's perception of humanity id what gives a book a certain something

( this is probably genre / reader dependant but...writer's whose observations about people are perceptive seem to have an edge for me)

Even people can be researched. Talk to everyone you meet. Try and winkle out all the little details of their lives. Then use it.

Caitlin Black · Nov 12, 2009

I'd recommend TV shows. They get paid to fit as much emotion into half an hour or an hour as they possibly can while still telling a story.

From watching closely you can infer what people are going through. Sometimes it's what they say afterwards, sometimes they have an outburst (tears/fists/tongue) and sometimes the actor just does their best to show that the person is all torn up inside.

These people have all done their research for their roles, so if you watch a show of reasonable quality (usually not soapies unless you want to research how to be overly dramatic, which is still valid) then chances are you'll take some invaluable knowledge away from it.

Pick shows that are typically about what you haven't exeperienced. Heartache and physical pain are what you mentioned, so maybe cop shows like CSI to see how various people react to death, and then House is the best example I can think of to get a good glimpse into the world of pain - it's not just his patients, but House himself is in pain, and his fellows go through a lot of suffering.

And don't forget to watch the occasional sitcom. If ever you needed ammo for kissing, there it would be.

Caitlin Black · Nov 12, 2009

Just rememberd one more show that I have found invaluable.

Frasier.

It deals with a lot of socio-anxious pressures, mental disease and the like. Usually every episode Frasier will talk on the radio to someone going through something big, and he'll explain what they must be feeling and what they can do about it.

Also, the MCs of that show go through a bunch of things as well. It's a sitcom, so they always head for the joke, but you can see a lot about behavioural patterns, and get a good vocabulary for diagnosis. Invaluable.

You can buy a season of that pretty cheap, and one season should give you plenty of fuel for the fire.

The key is, watch things that will help even if you don't like the show. It's good for you.

Oh, and just in case you wanted something that would help with sexual issues, watch either Will And Grace, The L Word, or perhaps Friends.

Six Feet Under!! Great for emotional pain AND sexual issues.

The Lonely One · Nov 12, 2009

DustyBooks said:
So I've never been through anything really difficult or been very sick or injured, yet sometimes I can do really awful things to my characters.

I'm thinking that from a technical standpoint, it's not too different from writing about other experiences I've never had but have written: kissing, skydiving, landing a jet on an aircraft carrier, and floating in zero-gravity, to name a few. (I know, kissing looks funny in that list!) Read these scenes in books, watch them in movies, get the general idea, and find a non-cliche way of describing it. Transfer related sensations and emotions and magnify as necessary: roller coasters, swimming, jumping on a trampoline, the last time I was very stressed.

But when it comes to physical and emotional pain, I feel kind of...unworthy. Saying that you understand is a big no-no when a friend is going through tough stuff--so in writing about characters' ordeals, am I pretending to understand something entirely beyond the ken of sheltered me?

Of course you're pretending. It's okay we're all doing it. Our whole job is to lie as convincingly as possible, so research is our friend. Get sources. Ask questions.

And trust me, there have been several times in my life where kissing is right up there with floating in space.

The Lonely One · Nov 12, 2009

scarletpeaches said:
Their experiences are just the shell - their feelings are the core.

Oh, and this.

kaitie · Nov 12, 2009

IdiotsRUs said:
I think that 'write about what you know' maybe pertains more to 'Write about what you know about people'

Everything else can be researched, but the writer's perception of humanity id what gives a book a certain something

( this is probably genre / reader dependant but...writer's whose observations about people are perceptive seem to have an edge for me)

Even people can be researched. Talk to everyone you meet. Try and winkle out all the little details of their lives. Then use it.

I agree with this 100%. I take write what you know to mean what you know about human nature, human emotions, etc. Those are what resonate with us because they are universal experiences.

Jamesaritchie · Nov 13, 2009

If you haven't experienced something, the next best thing is to talk to those who have. You usually can't just make it up and get it right. Believe me, if you've never had a truly bad toothache, you don't know what it feels like, and just saying "It hurt like hell" doesn't cut it.

One great thing about being a writer is that pretty much anyone will talk to us, and give us firsthand accounts of everything they've been through.

Libbie · Nov 13, 2009

Wayne is right about reading a bunch of books. That helps a whole lot. Talking to people who have had these experiences can help, too.

However, you CAN say "I understand" when a friend is going through something you've never experienced before. You understand sadness, pain, loss, and other emotions that apply to the situation, right? Just because you don't understand the specific event itself doesn't mean you don't understand feelings and sensations.

Same for your writing. I've never had children, but I wrote a birth scene in my book that beta readers who are moms have told me is the most realistic they've read. I've never had my children die, but my three scenes where kids die had my readers in tears, so obviously I did something right there, too.

Release your inhibitions and allow yourself to fully imagine what you would feel like if X happened to you. Then write it.

Lady Ice · Nov 13, 2009

scarletpeaches said:
Their experiences are just the shell - their feelings are the core.

Exactly.

maestrowork · Nov 13, 2009

Empathy.

Like someone else said, if you have never experienced the emotional traumas, etc. then talk to someone who has. Use your empathy -- it would serve you well as a writer.

I mean, truly, we don't have to all have to be at the core of the 9/11 or Katrina disasters to empathize and imagine what it must have been like? What if your brother, or your girlfriend, or your father was in the WTC when it fell? What if YOU were the one trapped in a burning tower about to collapse? Can't you not use your imagination and empathy, coupled with some solid research, to come up with a realistic portrayal of the event and characters?

Sevvy · Nov 13, 2009

No one is going to know your characters and how they react to things better than you. I know this might sound a little nutty, but listen to what your characters are saying and feeling. It doesn't matter if you've never had to react to a certain experience, because if you really know your characters well, you'll know how they would react.

But if that doesn't work for you, and I did warn you it would be nutty sounding and such, I definitely agree with those who said do some research and talk to those who have had the experiences you are trying to write. They will be a great help as well.

DustyBooks · Nov 13, 2009

Jamesaritchie said:
If you haven't experienced something, the next best thing is to talk to those who have. You usually can't just make it up and get it right. Believe me, if you've never had a truly bad toothache, you don't know what it feels like, and just saying "It hurt like hell" doesn't cut it.

One great thing about being a writer is that pretty much anyone will talk to us, and give us firsthand accounts of everything they've been through.

Forums are great for this.

But as I tried to say, it's not so much the technical problem of how to do it. I've written hard stuff before and I think it turned out pretty well, although I might change my mind if I went back and read it now. It's the rightness of it. What right do I have to mess with this stuff?

Ardellis · Nov 14, 2009

DustyBooks said:
What right do I have to mess with this stuff?

You're a writer. 'Messing with this stuff' is what we do.

More than that: the only way to learn how to write is to write it.

Maxinquaye · Nov 14, 2009

DustyBooks said:
What right do I have to mess with this stuff?

We are in a pretty absurd profession anyway.

We have imaginary people around us.
We do our best to hurt those imaginary people.

It's our job to mess with this stuff. And messing with this stuff isn't the strangest thing we do, and take for granted.

DustyBooks · Nov 14, 2009

Indeed. I've worn some pretty strange stuff because it reminded me of something my characters might wear. Not such a good idea when you're writing SF! (That was a few years ago, I write historical fiction now. But it's still not such a good idea.)

I still feel like it'd be kind of insulting to the people who have experienced the kinds of horrible things I plan to do to my characters (in the other 11 months of the year. This year's NaNoWriMo is much lighter).
To send my characters off to war at sea, spin them in hurricanes, shoot them, put them in the way of explosions, drop them from great heights, let them burn with raging tropical fevers, lose friends in gruesome ways without real warning, give them survivor guilt and depression, cripple them so their lives will never be normal again, have them return home to find that tragedies have struck their families...when the worst this pretentious little landlubber has had is to lay a few pets to rest and had really sore shoulders from too much Wii boxing???

...well, aside from the war at sea part, which is a constant, only one or two of the above per character, usually, of course...

Writing about Difficult Things

DustyBooks

Wayne K

scarletpeaches

Mr Flibble

They've been very bad, Mr Flibble

Wayne K

gothicangel

Toughen up.

Bluegate

Clearly has too much time on hand.

Mr Flibble

They've been very bad, Mr Flibble

Caitlin Black

Wild one

Caitlin Black

Wild one

The Lonely One

Why is a raven like a writing desk?

The Lonely One

Why is a raven like a writing desk?

kaitie

With great power comes

Jamesaritchie

Libbie

Worst song played on ugliest guitar

Lady Ice

Makes useful distinctions

maestrowork

Fear the Death Ray

Sevvy

Spec Fic Writer

DustyBooks

Ardellis

tortures make-believe people

Maxinquaye

That cheeky buggerer

DustyBooks