Yeah, another question about head jumping.

Alright, I've got an odd situation. Well, at the least one I've never come across before. My story is written in third-person...I don't want to say quite limited because it's not in one character's head specifically. It changes a couple of times, typically with a scene change, though in one instance it's mid-scene, but has to do with a character actually opening himself up and it reflects that.

The problem is, that most of the latter part of the story is told form one chick's view (not the MC, actually), but the earlier parts are a bit more vague. The first conflict of the book concerns a matter of which character to trust, and I've tried to keep some distance and balance to not make one character automatically more believable than another. So essentially, you've got my MC, who is lying and manipulating people all over the place, and the chick who actually does tend to believe him but isn't sure if she's just falling for his games.

Well, for most of the story this works out just fine, but the one scene I'm concerned about is one where he convinces her to do something pretty illogical. Right now, it's essentially from his perspective. You see him actively manipulating the situation in order to win her over. My concern, however, is that without seeing it from her perspective, it's difficult to see that, and I don't want it to be something that the reader says, "That makes no sense whatsoever." It does, but I'm not sure that comes off without getting into her head a bit.

So here's the essence of the question. I'm wondering if it would be possible to subtly pop into her head a time or two in order to show what's going through her mind during the situation. The other choice is to write it completely from her perspective, but I'm afraid that then you have the opposite problem (and it means you don't see the active manipulation on his part). It's head jumpy, but I'm just wondering if I'm careful about it and not doing it every other line if it might be okay to switch a couple of times in this scene. Other suggestions or examples would be appreciated if you have them.

I know I'm probably going to get a lot of "I can't know without seeing it" comments, but I'm not sure I'm comfortable enough with this to put it in the SYW part where everyone can see it, and it might be a bit too long for that. I'd be willing to send those few pages to someone if they wanted to offer a more direct opinion, though. I'm really uncertain about this. :/

I think my concern is that I don't really know if it's effective. No one who's read it has said anything about it, on one hand, but on the other, I've got this fear of someone reading it and then rolling their eyes and (insert Bad Movie Beatdown voice here) saying "Because the plot says so!" I tend to worry that I'm not doing a good enough job of showing why a character does something haha.

I'll make it a point to ask and see next time I get a read-through. Typically the people who have read it have had no problem saying, "That doesn't make any sense at all!" when I do something stupid, so you do have a point there.

I asked a friend about it, and he hadn't read it in ages, but from what he could remember, the scene was, "One of those things that just happened." This actually summed it up well enough for me because it actually means I'm probably right in my concern.

I'm currently rewriting it with some selective head jumpiness (it's sorta semi-omniscient so if I'm really careful I think I can do it. It doesn't distract me in any case lol). I also am changing the tone of it up some. Basically the scene is him convincing this chick to get in a car with him so they can talk when she really has every reason in the world to do anything BUT get into the car, including run screaming bloody murder up the street.

I changed it up some, put in some of her viewpoint, and I'm emphasizing his faux (well, semi-faux, he actually does mean most of this) concern and toning down the actual argument so they're not fighting so much as him sort of...leading her, if that makes sense. It probably isn't perfect, but I think it definitely fixes at least some of the issues and is making it more believable. Thanks for the suggestions guys.

The issue isn't one of a reader recognizing his manipulations. He's clearly acting in a certain way trying to persuade her to do something crazy. The issue is more that she's a very unknown character at this point, and I feel like without having any insight into her it doesn't seem logical that she would just go along with it. This is essentially the first major scene with her in it. She's afraid of him and believes he might hurt her. Therefore, why would she go with him?

Does that make sense? Now, I know the answers to this. It makes perfect sense to me because I know her and I recognize what aspects of his ploy appeal to her, etc.

Something about the scene isn't right the way it is, I think. Every time I read it I get that nagging "something's got to change" feeling. This time reading through, my impression is that the feeling comes from her, and I see readers thinking, "Okay why on earth would she do that?"

Maybe I'm just worrying unnecessarily, honestly. I could be. It might be that it works just fine as it is with his manipulation. I just think that without at least some insight it's...maybe not unbelievable, but at least something with the potential to lose suspension of disbelief.

I think I solved part of the problem by changing the tone and making it so he isn't so much arguing with her outright at one point. She's backed down some and isn't fighting him, and is thus more obviously being led (I think anyway). I took out one of the main points of contention that could make a reader say "but if she really thinks that why would she trust him?" I'm not depending on head jumping to do this. I put in a point or two where there is a bit of a dip into her, but I'm hoping it doesn't stand out too much.

I really don't think I've got telleverythingitis. :/ I'm definitely insecure about it because I'm insecure about most everything about the story right now. It's much better than it was a couple of drafts ago, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's good. I'm hoping it's good, I work my ass off to make it good, but yeah, I'm still not entirely confident about it until it hits about the halfway point. Even then I'm not entirely confident, just more so.

I really don't want to insult the reader and I try not to be too blatantly obvious with things. I also might fail at that miserably. I don't really know. I just know this scene isn't working and something about it has to change, and this is the only thing I can think to make it better. :/

I know head-jumping is the kiss of death, but the beginning is relatively omniscient. I feel like if I can manage to do it and just put in one or two insights into her without being too jarring it's probably okay. I guess the question is just whether or not it's too jarring. I do randomly go into her head at different points early on because there's a relatively subtle shift until almost all of the book is told from her perspective later on. Geez, I'm just insane, aren't I? But this is the only way I can think to tell this story.

Lady Ice said:

You'll get another one as well; I don't think the head jumping's a good idea.

Whose POV do we have directly before this scene? That'll probably determine whose POV we see it in this scene. Head jumping is just a lazy way of showing a reaction when you can't create a real one with your dialogue:

'Sit down, honey. You do love me, don't you?'

You can tell that that's manipulative dialogue- you don't need to add her reaction. If she sits down, we know she's been manipulated. If she tries to argue or bluff her way out, we know she's unsure:

'Yes. It's just that I've got to go and see Mary...'

Click to expand...

The POV is very...complicated lol. For the early parts of the story, it depends on who's in the scene, but it's actually very minimalistic and there is very little going into anyone's head at all. It's distant. If Eddie's in the scene, it's sort of in his perspective, but when there's a group I actually make an effort not to have it be in his (or anyone's, unless Angie happens to be around, then sometimes it's her). Because the story switches to mostly Angie later on, there are scenes earlier on that she's a part of where you are somewhat getting it from her perspective. There's one scene from another character's POV and he's the only one there.

Alrighty, I just went and posted my semi-rewritten part over in the SYW section (suspense of anyone wants to see). Going through it again, this bit is definitely from Eddie's POV earlier on, so I kept that going through the scene. There isn't any Angie headiness going on, I think. I did include the tone shift that I mentioned before though. Hopefully I can get some opinions on whether or not it's okay as it is. The tone shift alone might have done it. I think it helped a lot, anyway.

I'm not uncomfortable with it at all. I think it's the only and best way to tell the story. I'm just not entirely confident I'm a good enough writer to do it well. I have a tendency to do things like this. I don't write based on what I find comfortable or easy, but what I feel works best for the story. Personally I think this one's pretty darn good. I just don't know if other people would think so haha.