Directing with your pen

[TheRuleofThirds]

I just read over some of my feedback on my latest script update about my habit of writing prose descriptions. I'm saying this after tweaking that last update some more. The descriptions are more visual. For instance,

"EXT. PHILADELPHIA STREETS - 1948 - NIGHT

Typical night. Cars line the streets. Couples the sidewalks."

has morphed into

"EXT. PHILADELPHIA STREETS - 1948 - NIGHT

Studebakers and Oldsmobiles line the streets. Young men clad in zoot suits strut around on the sidewalks, hair slicked back with Brylcreem. On their arms are their gals, wearing fancy hats with black veils, rouge cheeks, and flower-print dresses."

Okay. All that is visual. It's easy because there are no characters with feelings that we care about.

When those characters come on the scene, though, I get the urge to direct them. Here's a prime example.

"They both climb the stairs and stand silent on the porch of the building. They stand close, on a dare to evoke a goodnight kiss from the other.

MAGGIE
I’m going to go in and dry off.

MIKE
See you tomorrow.

Both have admissions to make, but silence seems to suffice. The gaze is never broken until Mike gets back in the cab and drives off."


The tension in "on a dare to evoke" and "both have admissions to make" is visible. It's a pregnant silence with suggestions for what the tone should be. But is that the writer's job? In my directing class last semester, we were taught that the idea was the writer leaves it open for interpretation by the director. Since I think as a writer and a director, naturally I'm having a hard time delineating between the two.

[nganok]

I feel as though an action "beat" may say all that in one simple word. It does seem a little wordy to tell the reader (director or actor) everything that should happen, that's what they are paid to do. Certainly this can't be a huge sin but I do see where you may be conflicted.

[Joe Calabrese]

Every word counts. You have to know when enough is enough.

Studebakers, zoot suits are all good, but is the brylcreem an excess? I think so, as does the gals' descriptions. I would just use the hats and dresses in one sentance, drop the veil and drop all "ing" verbs.

As for the pregnant pauses before the attempted kiss, There are other ways to envoke an awkward silence. Use facial expressions, body movements, not what they think inside.

Then again, Shane Black breaks down the 4th wall all the time. It's his style.

However, I would play it safe until you become as respected as Shane.