"Is this correct?" the wannabe writer asked.

Fredster · Oct 2, 2009

I've got a sentence in something I'm working on, and I can't decide if it's right or not. I usually don't have problems with grammar and punctuation, but I just can't make my mind up on this one.

Here it is:

[FONT=&quot]Then, moments later, he asked in a small voice, “Will it hurt?”[/FONT]

What say you guys?

Kitty Pryde · Oct 2, 2009

Looks fine to me, though you could tidy it up a little. If you say "moments later", you don't need to say "then". Though really, you don't need to say either one, because time passing is assumed. I might stick with,

"Will it hurt?" he asked in a small voice.

ResearchGuy · Oct 2, 2009

Fredster said:
[FONT=&quot]Then, moments later, he asked in a small voice, “Will it hurt?”[/FONT]

I'd suggest omitting Then. "Moments later" suggests a brief delay rather than an immediate statement, and presumably serves a purpose.

Kitty's suggestion looks good, too. Context probably is important to make the best choice.

--Ken

Fredster · Oct 2, 2009

Thanks, guys. I agree on removing the 'then,' too.

"Is this correct?" the wannabe writer asked.

Fredster

Village idiot

Kitty Pryde

i luv you giant bear statue

ResearchGuy

Resident Curmudgeon

Fredster

Village idiot