Writing Blues

First of all, keep practicing by reading and writing and listening to the critiques you get. I sent out my first story at the age of 17 and it was promptly rejected, rightfully so since it was laughably awful. But at the time it seemed fine to me. I spent 20 more years garnering rejections before I ever sold anything. Hopefully it won't take you 20 years to hone your talent like it did me. Keep at it -- it's easy to become discouraged but if you really are committed to writing, you'll make the effort to learn what you need to.

I read the first paragraphs of both chapters. A few suggestions:

-take a close look at verb tense as it isn't consistent.
-hunt down and kill as many occurences of "that" as you can.
-study comma usage--it's incorrect in many places and disrupts the flow.
-study passive vs. active prose.
-go for clarity rather than flowery when it comes to word choice.

There are a bunch of good books out there that address these subjects (and I believe there is a current thread on the matter here where several titles are mentioned). It's well worth the time and effort to read them.

Have fun and the best of luck to you with your future writing efforts!

Beth

Just Write It (tm). Don't worry about getting it down perfectly the first time. Your writing is fine. Maybe the comment on 'big words' was for words like boudin, which don't appear in the free version of m-w.com, and is probably not in the average person's vocabulary. But so what? If it's the right word, use it. I don't see a problem with your writing. Just keep going!

Perhaps when you seek critiques, specify what kind of feedback you're looking for (grammar nits, plot & character development only, etc), or consider waiting until the story is completely written and edited before seeking feedback. Some critiquers hold a magnifying glass up to a first draft when they should (IMO) be looking at the big picture. I find it too easy to become discouraged by negative feedback on early drafts, so I wait until I've got the entire story pretty much the way I want it before I ask for critiques.

I agree with both Beth and azbikergirl. I also think that you need to determine the audience your writing for and depending on the age group you've decided to be your target audience. When the first draft is complete you may need to do some revisions. However, if you don't write the story down first, it will never get written because you'll keep finding reasons to rewrite it.

Some people need to edit as they go; it sounds like you think this will help you move forward with confidence. Personally I need to finish my draft and do my own edits; there is a lot that I can find on my own, and this way my readers can really help me instead of telling me what I already know.

I also recommend using the Share Your Work forum. Read the rules for posting an excerpt, so that you can get what you want out of feedback.

Abbeville, LA? I'm not too far away from you in Plaquemine (not the parish - the city, just south of Baton Rouge). All the advice above is good. Another thing you should keep in mind, which I can speak to with some confidence because I struggle with it myself, is that your audience isn't going to be exclusively in Louisiana. You're writing your stories the way we "tell" stories around here. I have a tendency to do it too, and it sounds perfectly reasonable to me because it's the way I hear stories told all the time. Lots of loopiness (especially in time), some asides, and some blow-by-blow. That's why it sounds fine to you when you read it. It takes a while to begin to recognize it in your writing, but once you do, revisions come really easily. You should be really cautious with the dialect too. You can evoke a sense of culture without using it, and it sometimes is just a stumbling block for readers.

Strictly my opinion, but I don't think that you need to make your prose more "simple." I think you have a pretty straightforward style. If anything, you could probably shore up the prose some and add some descriptive passages to give your reader a better sense of place.

On feedback

I don't think getting feedback is a good idea if it discourages you. I know many people have the urge to get someone to read something as soon as they've got it down on paper. Over the years I've developed a tendency to the opposite. I have become fairly demanding of myself, and once I write something that pleases me, then I can show it with complete confidence (and preferably to people who might write checks in response--now that's feedback!). Of course, the downside of this sort of personality is that I write very little that pleases me.

Anyway, just wanted to share this thought in case you are a little bit like me, and would benefit from less feedback rather than more.

How many book have you read that didnt read at a 12th grade level? Almost all of them? I read your work, and i think that its fine. Its yours, thats what makes it unique to you. Dont let critics be critics for critics sake. Geniunie help comes from someone who desperatly wants you to suceed.
Just like all the other books out there written without "Pontificating", your story will tell your tale, not your wording.

Who do you write for? Readers or Writers?

simple words

Good writing usually does use simple words, but it isn't really that simple. Using simple words really means "use the simplest word that does the job."

There's a difference. Most good writers do use pretty simple words on the whole, but when a longer, bigger, fancier word is the right word for the job, then you use that word.

By and large, however, most novels are written somewhere around sixth grade level. Hemingway wrote at fourth grade level.