I need more tension/suspense

Personally, I think you can pull some suspense from things that have happened prior to the beginning of this particular story.

Ex. - Think Momento. The action and suspense in that story comes from the idea that he can't remember what he's doing if he does it for to long. Each scene basically starts with him trying to figure out what he's doing and why. Over the course of the scene we learn what he's doing but we don't know why he's doing it. We learn that, the why, in the next scene that takes place that is relative to this scene.

Another way to pull suspense:

Start to think of your story in terms of references. What can you reference in the present story to a past event that would make for an excuse to explain something further?

Maybe, the book she begins to read.

What's the name of it? Where did she buy it? Did she borrow it from a friend? Does it have a larger bearing on the outcome of the story?

That is one philosophy I use to expand my storytelling, because it allows for little nuggets that can be packed with information that the audience might not find relative until the outcome of the film.

Another example of this is to essentially use the heckler as just that. Maybe he was just a guy having a bad day and she just happen to be there when he blew up. The actual killer is a completely different person with his own agenda.

So basically, begin to expand the story. That's probably the best piece of advice I can give. It sounds like you have the basic idea of the story you just need a way to expand it.

Hope this helps.

You can also condition the viewer like Pavlov's Dog. Show the man doing a gruesome crime in an earlier scene. Then when the man approaches the heroine the audience will feel tense even before anything happens.

Of course, this could seems manipulative if not done well, so you have to find creative ways of doing it.

To me, the story doesn't have suspense because of a problem with the setup - not because of missing events in the middle.

The setup is :
* A jerk verbally intimidates her.
* She tells him to go away.
* The jerk goes away.

OK, I'm expecting the jerk to come back. So what?
He goes away when she tells him to, so why would I be worried?

I know - being verbally intimidated probably isn't pleasant. But it didn't seem to bother the attendant who responds by idly reading a book, yawning, wandering around, etc.

If the attendant doesn't care, why should I ?

The obvious solutions include :
* Change the reaction of the attendant -or-
* Provide the audience with more information than the attendant has

I suspect the second solution would work better here. Remember the scene in Jurassic Park where our heroes believe they are safe? "We're safe here - Unless they've figured out how to open doors!" The next scene is the raptors doing exactly that. They were now in mortal danger, but they didn't know it yet. The audience knew it. But they didn't.

It was a nice reversal. You could do something similar here. (eg: On the phone "No Mom, I'm fine. It was just some jerk. I'm perfectly safe unless he happens to have a key". And the next scene shows him with a key. Or something. I'm just spitballing here).

By doing something like that, it would:
* Give us more sympathy for the main character, by showing her interact with her mother
* Show that she really is a bit shaken up and putting on a brave face for the phone call
* Shows us why she is a bit complacent.

etc

Just some thoughts. Use or discard as you please.

Mac

ManyAk said:

I'm writing this short story about a girl who works at a gaz-station at night, and things get really complicated for her when a stranger comes by and starts harassing and intimidating her.

At first, he only uses verbal intimidation, and eventually, she tells him he'd better go away. The guy gets frustrated, tells her they'll see each other again and does what she told him. This leaves a doubt, some mystery, and some suspense, because the viewer doesn't know what will happen next, but expects the stranger to come back.

After that, the girl starts reading a book, and is about to fall asleep, so she decides to go outside to smoke a cigarette. A few moments after that, she hears noises coming from behind the station. She finds the garbage disposal in fire, and as she closes it, she hears a deep electronic noise coming from inside the station. She finds the station in a pitchblack darkness, and right before she opens the lights again, the stranger attacks her. They get in a fight, bla bla, the guy dies, she's there crying out loud. The end.

I don't feel like I've exploited the suspense for long enough in that part of the story. It's way too much action-reaction, and I feel like I could add another event that will add more mystery and suspense to the story. I'd like something else to happen before she finds the garbage disposal burning, but I'm running short on ideas here.

So if anyone has any idea on what might happen, it'd be really helpful! Thanks a lot!

Click to expand...

Okay, here's the deal.

Suspense isn't about flashbacks or about things that happen in the character's past, or about what the bad guy did yesterday.

It is about anticipation.

In order to create anticipation, you have to give your audience *information.*

Specifically, you have to give the audience enough information so that they know what's going to happen -- at least enough information so that they have a sense of where the story is headed.

As others have said, the fact that she just reads a book, goes outside, etc., suggests that she doesn't really consider that there's any real danger. We sort of know it, simply because, if there wasn't, why would you be making a movie?

But it's simply one of those, "unaware victim" sort of things, where somebody just sits around and waits for a bad thing to happen. Because she doesn't know anything, she can't do anything.

And because she has put herself in a completely vulnerable position, we have no particular patience with her.

Especially since these late night gas stations, because they're prime robbery sites, are often extremely secure locations. They're designed to protect the clerks against attack.

So what you consider doing is to have this menacing character go up to the clerk and, in a subtly menacing way, go over all the reasons that she *no reason* to be afraid of him. After all, how can he hurt her? Plus, she's got security cameras that cover the whole area. The area is well lit, inside and out. Nobody could possibly sneak up on her. And she's got a phone in there. She could call the police if she felt threatened. And he's sure she must have a cell phone. If anything happened to the regular phone, she could call for help on her cell phone. Plus, she's behind that bullet proof barrier. It must be locked on the inside. Nobody could possibly get in. "So, you're definitely completely safe. Aren't you, Susan?"

"What, how did you know my name was Susan?"

And then he goes away.

And then, one by one, all of these things that are supposed to keep her safe -- the security cameras, the lights, one by one, they stop working, and she realizes that this guy is coming for her -- and has actually set her up. Her cell phone doesn't work. And she realizes that she's actually trapped in that little room. He's tampered with the lock.

How does it end? I don't know. You figure it out.

The point is -- give people information. Give them something to anticipate.

NMS

Basically what your going to need to do is "reverse-engineer" it. Start at the end and work in a reverse order. Figure out what you want to tell and make that the back bone of the story. From there, add on everything that will make the story interesting.

You mentioned you want to show how abruptly things can change for the girl. I think that could be the actual end of the story. We see how she, I don't know the character, might be a very controlling person. By the end of the story, we learn that she is being taken out of her element of being the controlling figure by the killer and then the story ends with only speculation about what he does to her.

That brings me to my next point. I, personally, like leaving the audience with questions. Leaving things unanswered to an extent. Answering everything necessary to the story but leaving other things to the audience to figure out. That is a really good way to get people talking not only about the story but you as well.

Granted that whole approach can back fire if you don't answer enough questions or the right questions. What I try to do is anticipate what the audience will be thinking at any given point and then from there take it in a different direction.

If she's alone in a gas station at night, you can have her watching the video feed from inside the store - perfectly safe, but still being harassed by the guy outside. The feed is silent and grainy, and maybe she never sees him on screen, but she sees things start to happen on screen.

The back door pulls open, so she goes to check it. Obscured sightings of someone running in front of the camera - she tells the image she's not stupid enough to go outside. This way she's interacting with the creep, but not in a dangerous manner. Maybe she sees a bunch of kids outside on camera and thinks they're in on it.

The TV overhead breaks in with an update on a local string of small arson fires and vandalism.

Then she realizes that someone's left one of the pumps full open on the ground so the gas is spilling out on the drive area. THAT she can't just shrug off or wait for the cops to show up and chase off. She has to hit the emergency kill switch and actually go outside to re-hang the line.

Maybe she calls her boyfriend or something and tells him to get his butt over there because she's scared. (Maybe the creep at the end turns out to be the boyfriend, if you want a twist. He could be a pyro and she yells at the TV like she's yelling at him because she knows he's the one vandalizing the place.)

NOW you can show the fire. It's far enough from the fumes and gas that there's no danger of it catching, but she's still freaked out - especially since she's got gasoline on her - and she has to carefully cover the fire.

NMS makes a good point. He was able to put into words what I was trying to say.

When I was talking about references and things of that nature. I wasn't necessarily talking about what the killer was doing yesterday or things that happen in the characters past. I was meaning for it to be adapted into the context of the story.

I have always been the kind of writer that believes details matter. Little things can help round out the story, in a sense of making it more complete and give the audience that little bit more.

This is just an example. This is how I approach it. You mentioned she was reading a book. Maybe the book she was reading is "The Trial" by Franz Kafka. To the individual reader/viewer, this might not make any difference. To be honest, more than likely no one will pick up on it. The reference though could be an important one.

In the book, it's the day of the MC's 30th birthday. He is approached by two men and arrested for no apparent reason. Over the course of the book, he investigates what his options are with the court. None of which turn out well. At the end of the book, which is the last day of his 30th year alive, he is taken to a quarry and executed.

Over the course of the book, we never learn what he is accused of only that whatever it is he is going to be found guilty.

Now, the story of the MC in "The Trial" could be a mirror of your MC. She is just simply doing her job, which she finds to be very boring. Suddenly, one night all this crazy stuff happens and she gets attacked by a killer. Over the course of the story the killer could be taunting her telling her that she is never going to get out of this situation, but due to classic story arc's our MC has to overcome this situation. She has to find a way to get out, to survive. She is our Protagonist. The killer is our Antagonist.

The audience identifies with this struggle and sides with the MC as she goes through her trials and tribulations. Suspense and tension are created when she finds these little loop holes in the killers plan. She tries to exploit them and save herself, but can never seem to get out of this situation. He has every angle covered. Similar to the SAW series.

Anyways, The reference is made as an attempt to give the audience early warning.

It's almost like your shouting: "Here is what's going on. Here is what our MC has to overcome. Here is what's going to happen if she doesn't." There is an inherent problem with this though. Like I said, MOST people aren't going to get the reference.

Does that mean you shouldn't put it in? Probably, it's just more work on you. But the payoff is far greater. To those who get it, the story has staying power. A good example of this idea is in the TV series LOST.

The Executive Producer, Damon Lindelof, has stated that every book that appears on screen within the series is there for a reason. It's not just random books. To the die hard fans of LOST, they want to understand what that book has to do with the series. So, they go read the book, or get cliff notes, and it helps them to understand the series that much better.

That's the idea I was going for with the book.

As for the other ideas (where did she get the book, did she borrow it from a friend, did she meet some guy at the local coffee shop after she bought the book), these are ideas about ways to incorporate the killer into her everyday life. Showing that this is not just a random event or she is just a random victim. It shows that the killer chose her. Adding fuel to the already roaring fire that she has to overcome this situation she is in or she dies. It helps to heighten the sense of emergency and necessity. Thereby adding to the suspense and tension. In a round about way.

So, That is simply what I was talking about. I wasn't trying to make it sound like flashbacks are all that are needed to create suspense and tension. Like NMS said, it's the *information* we need. How we get that information is totally up to you.

I want to leave you with a couple of quotes I find to be very inspiring.

"To create the universal, you must pay very great attention to the specific" - Lorraine Hansberry

"If you want to understand the nature of the eye, you must understand the properties of light." - Helmhold

Since it's a gas station, you can also have all sorts of vehicles coming in that might or might not pose a threat - a van full of migrant workers, a carload of skinheads, maybe a bunch of bikers, but also a police car.

Okay, is this a play or a film? I like the book idea but it probably wouldn't work in a play.
If you did use the book (I think it's a good idea), make it a recurring image.