A rewritten query

Submitting to agents is a very particular event. They want and expect things in a certain way, and of you don't follow those guidelines, you mark yourself as unprofessional and not yet ready to be published. There are lots of posts and articles in the Query and Publishing forums, so take a peek in there and learn how the whole process works before you do anything. It'll save you a lot of heartache on the long long. And keep you from falling prey to a scammer.

Since you seem to be insisting, I'm going to treat you just like I would if you were an adult. It ain't going to be pretty. And you're probably not going to like me. I make the Lily look like a nice person.

Any agent is a busy person. It's a tough way to make money, and you need to spend a lot of time dealing with crap. One of those areas of crap that they need to deal with is queries. As a result, queries are read by agents in 30 seconds or less. That's all the time you have to sell something in. And agents don't care whether you're 14 or 24 or 44 or 84 or 104. The only question that they have is whether they think they can make money from your story. Period.

First off, sending me somewhere else to look at your query is irritating. You're asking me to do you a favor, and then making me do the work. It doesn't help my mood (which is rarely very good, on the best of days).

Second is you can't be bothered to put in line breaks between your paragraphs. That's your job, not mine. Again, it doesn't do anything for my temper. And an agent, when faced with something difficult to read, will frequently hit the reject button. Why screw around with something that the writer can't make sure she's done right?

Anonyouth said:

Shall my query be written as a blurb? Sure. Why not? Do your own thing. It makes it easier for an agent to reject you automatically.

Agents get to decide how they want to read a query. It's their way or the highway.

Or maybe I could just send my first chapter instead of a query? Or maybe the last chapter? Again, do your own thing. Many agents love to publish material they receive where the writer has done their own thing. It's in their blooper section.

An agent has an absolute right to tell you how to submit. If you can't do it right, someone else will. If you explore this website some more, you'll see how much agents dictate. You'll find people wondering whether a one inch margin is right or whether it should be an inch and a quarter. Or what about if you use Verdana as a font.

You need to understand that agents are fussy. They're not interested in wasting their time.

I just rewrote my query:

Dear agent: I'll give you points for knowing this is a business letter with a colon and not a personal letter with a comma.

I am seeking representation for my 75,000 word count YA Christian fantasy. You've done some research, I see.

Quiet Corin's, adventurous Rowena's, and out-going Jack's lives are all turned upside down when Rowena's best friend and tutor, Larkin (who is an old wise dragon), leaves his cave for the first time in many decades, and a witch comes to their little village in search of him. Five people in one sentence! Not a record, but close. I can't remember five people on the best day I've had. And I bet you're going to try to introduce me to more. Second is this sentence is very long for YA. Who is your protagonist? I'm going to guess Rowena. But the sentence isn't about her. If anyone, it's about the tutor. Parens are not helpful in queries. You have two actions going on here. The first is Larkin leaving the cave and the second is a witch searching for him. But because they're both in present tense, there is no cause and effect. My guess is the witch is searching for Larkin because he left the cave. Overall, this is an awkward and confusing sentence. Larkin warned Rowena that this witch is not an ally, but a feared enemy who came from another world, separated by an orpha (a portal). Two parens is one too many. How could Larkin warn Rowena about the witch before the witch came to the village (verb tenses matter, much as I hate to admit it)? It's also a good question why Rowena is allowed to wander to this guy's cave for tutoring? And we won't discuss the problems with a teenage girl's best friend being a grown up tutor (talk that one over with your parent if you don't understand where your image is going). Why does Rowena care whether this witch is an agent, or from another world, or came through a portal? Notice this is not about Rowena, but about Larkin and the witch.

After Jack is kidnapped and taken away to the other world known as "Slwth", Corin and a pale faerie, Aisling (Ashleen) risk their lives by leaving their world of Echo to save him. Where is the protagonist in your story? We won't discuss the parens, but get rid of them. If your cute spelling doesn't matter, then use the proper name (which by placing in parens you've indicates works just as well). So Larkin doesn't want to help with the kidnapping? Who takes Jack away? Why do they do this? You didn't tell me that this world is named Echo (not that I care). Corin must face his fears and explore the great unknown with the help of Aisling in Slwth (Slewth). How does any of this relate to Rowena and Larkin and the witch. The only connection that I can see is Jack, Corin, and Rowena are neighbors. What fears must Corin face? What must Corin overcome? What is the great unknown, which you seem intent on keeping secret from the reader.

Rowena and a girl from Slwth named Dimity will try to destroy the evil magic planted by the witch with the help of their guide, Xaris, a unicorn. What happened to Larkin and the portal and the previous paragraph? Total and absolute confusion reigns. What evil magic? What does it do? Why does Xaris guide them? Though Dimity has a mechancholy personality, she has a unquie and loving quality about her that makes her accepted by the Echo natives she encounters on her quest with Rowena and Xaris. Two misspellings in one sentence, which is also long and confusing. So why does anyone care whether Dimity is liked? They struggle to inform the ignorant, blissful Echo natives of the dangers lurking everywhere. Dangers that you don't share with the reader. Who is "they?" Why does anyone care about the Echo natives?

link to a sample of my story:
http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=153620

Click to expand...

What is your story about? I have no idea. All stories should be able to be reduced down to one sentence, in more or less English. What would your one sentence be?

One protagonist, one antagonist, one conflict. Maybe one or two other characters. That's all that should be in a query.

Queries are the last stage in writing, where you've got your novel up to perfection, and queries need to be better than perfect. And the Lily pointed out significant problems in your novel (which could have been predicted from your query).

I wouldn't tell you what I was doing at 14, but it sure wasn't anywhere near as ambitious as writing a novel. But the reality is you need some improvement in your writing abilities. The thing is, though, that you've got a lot of time to learn. It's taken me many years to learn to write to my present level of incompetence and was learned long after I left high school.

Don't worry so much about getting your story published at the moment, but worry about using it to learn how to write. The reality is very, very few authors have their first novel, or even their second, published. Learning to put everything together that you need to do is difficult.

If you haven't read it yet, you'd be well advised to spend some serious time reading Learn Writing with Uncle Jim ( 1 2 3 ... Last Page). One of the best courses I've ever seen on writing.

Best of luck,

Jim Clark-Dawe

Anonyouth said:

More editing, and yet so much more to do.

Click to expand...

This query is no better than the previous version, because you've made only the most superficial changes to the wording. All of Jim (jclarkdawe)'s comments still apply.

Read the stickies. Add line breaks, which are not optional. Focus on a single protagonist and storyline. Cut down the unnecessary characters. Lose the parentheses. Stop introducing elements for only a brief sentence and then dropping them instantly. Leave the cliched, vague language and use specifics.

You are rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic - making tiny, surface changes while ignoring the major problems.