Emergency: Beta needed for Thriller

euclid · Aug 27, 2009

I'm sure everybody knows by now that I've been working on a thriller/spy story, set in Berlin during WWII.

I have been editing and rewriting for an agent and I have to resubmit in mid-September.

I've changed so much in the last month, now I desparately need someone to read the whole thing, quickly, and tell me if the plot still makes sense.

Anyone?

steersb · Aug 27, 2009

Hi, I'd be willing to read it for you. Just want to know about plot points or everything?
Chars, grammar, etc

Azande · Aug 27, 2009

Depending on how long the story is, I'm available

ricmic · Aug 28, 2009

Could do a beta read, too, if you like. Especially, if you'd like to know how you handle locale. I'm in the right place for it - even if in the wrong time.

ricmic

steersb · Aug 29, 2009

Having read the piece I would say that the overall plot is quite good, certainly an interesting
Subject but I have to say the delivery needs some work.

There are issues with tense throughout the piece.

The opening needs to be more punchy, this is what's supposed to hook the reader.
Perhaps start with the interrogation (although this needs to have an ending not just 'oh well
Off you go then).

The opening newspaper cutting needs to be thinned out, present only the facts and cut the extra
description.

euclid · Aug 29, 2009

steersb said:
There are issues with tense throughout the piece.

Thanks for that.

Can you point out some examples, please?

steersb · Aug 30, 2009

It's mainly where you are describing things that have happened in the past, family memories or history, you mix tense in the paragraph

PastMidnight · Sep 4, 2009

I can give it a read, if you're still looking for some feedback. You just want a quick, overall reaction?

euclid · Sep 4, 2009

Thanks, PM, but it's too late now. I'm out of time.

Maybe next time?

PastMidnight · Sep 4, 2009

No prob. Sure!

Sargentodiaz · Sep 6, 2009

Darn! I wish I'd seen this earlier when I could've helped. I'm a retired Army Master Sergeant and served 12 years in Europe. I'm fascinated with military history of all kinds and personally spent a lot of time where European wars took place. Even worked in a building that was headquarters of a Luftwaffe Schutstaffel. (And saw the various entrances to the underground areas they built to try to overcome Allied bombing raids.)

If you ever need another critique, I'm available. (I also used to speak fluent German)

Emergency: Beta needed for Thriller

euclid

Where did I put me specs?

steersb

Azande

ricmic

New kid, be as you like!

steersb

euclid

Where did I put me specs?

steersb

PastMidnight

Oponionated

euclid

Where did I put me specs?

PastMidnight

Oponionated

Sargentodiaz