Quick word replace question.

Folofop · Aug 23, 2009

Hey folks,

I've got this sentence but after re-reading it, I can't for the life of me figure out a suitable replacement word for the "and", while still keeping the fury descriptive.

Any help would be lurvly.

A howl broke the quiet calm of the forest, the very air crackled as it echoed through the trees, a wailing so deep and guttural and full of fury, it pricked the hairs on Lorfhins neck, stopping him in his tracks.

Also, while I'm here

does "wailing" fit with howl you think? I'm hesitant to use howl again in the same sentence.

scarletpeaches · Aug 23, 2009

Folofop said:
Hey folks,

I've got this sentence but after re-reading it, I can't for the life of me figure out a suitable replacement word for the "and", while still keeping the fury descriptive.

Any help would be lurvly.
A howl broke the quiet calm of the forest; the ~~very~~ air crackled as it echoed through the trees, a wailing so deep, ~~and~~ guttural and full of fury, it pricked the hairs on Lorfhins neck, stopping him in his tracks.

Also, while I'm here does "wailing" fit with howl you think? I'm hesitant to use howl again in the same sentence.

Ta-da!

Folofop · Aug 23, 2009

Yay, you're awesome. It reads so much better.

I bow before your awesomeness

scarletpeaches · Aug 23, 2009

I get that a lot. Just send me some Oreos and Colin Farrell as payment.

The Lonely One · Aug 23, 2009

SP's suggestion works. I also don't think the original was technically incorrect, though there may be an extra comma in there after fury that isn't needed. Using 'and' twice in this instance seems to just be an authorial choice for rhythmic reasons. But I also understand why you could want to rephrase.

And wailing seems fine. My advice is to not overthink these things.

scarletpeaches · Aug 23, 2009

The first comma should definitely be a semi-colon.

BlueMouse · Aug 23, 2009

and Colin Farrell as payment.

Sorry, he's busy at my house right now. Can I take a message?

Libbie · Aug 23, 2009

I myself am a fan of repetitive ands. I liked it the first way, although the second way works, too.

Folofop · Aug 23, 2009

Cheers all, it's nice to get different perspectives and scarletpeaches I don't want to appear rude but I've changed the sentence, as I'm reworking the idea of the person/being who is actually doing the howling. I hope you don't mind.

I've got this now, quite happy with it too, thanks to SP.

A howl broke the quiet calm of the forest; the air crackled as it echoed through the trees, a wailing so bitter, laden with grief and full of fury it pricked the hairs on Lorfhin’s neck, stopping him in his tracks.

The Lonely One · Aug 23, 2009

scarletpeaches said:
The first comma should definitely be a semi-colon.

Wait. Damn it. You're right again. Curse you! :e2beat:

The Lonely One · Aug 23, 2009

Folofop said:
Cheers all, it's nice to get different perspectives and scarletpeaches I don't want to appear rude but I've changed the sentence, as I'm reworking the idea of the person/being who is actually doing the howling. I hope you don't mind.

I've got this now, quite happy with it too, thanks to SP.

A howl broke the quiet calm of the forest; the air crackled as it echoed through the trees, a wailing so bitter, laden with grief and full of fury. It pricked the hairs on Lorfhin’s neck, stopping him in his tracks.

I'm aware I'm being difficult, but I think you have a run-on here. Simple enough fix, though. You could also say "laden with grief and so full of fury it pricked..."

Folofop · Aug 23, 2009

The Lonely One said:
I'm aware I'm being difficult, but I think you have a run-on here. Simple enough fix, though. You could also say "laden with grief and so full of fury it pricked..."

No, no. Please be as difficult as you want. I am here to improve, not have people fancy pants around my writing.

As for your suggestion, yep that could work, it may even be better

Thanks ever so much.

scarletpeaches · Aug 23, 2009

BlueMouse said:
Sorry, he's busy at my house right now. Can I take a message?

I hate you.

BlueMouse · Aug 23, 2009

I know. It's a cross I have to bear.

Birol · Aug 23, 2009

I'd add to the tension by breaking it into smaller sentences and fragments:

A howl broke the quiet calm of the forest,. tThe ~~very~~ air crackled as it echoed through the trees,. ~~a wailing so d~~Deep. ~~and g~~Guttural. and fFull of fury,. iIt pricked the hairs on Lorfhins' neck, and stopped~~ing~~ him in his tracks.

Still not happy with the last half of the last sentence. Maybe 'as he stopped in his tracks.'

Wayne K · Aug 23, 2009

I think they're all right.

Pick the way that is closest to your writing style, and SP can send what's left of Colin my way when she's done.

Wark · Aug 23, 2009

Folofop said:
A howl broke the calm of the forest, echoing through the trees. Its guttural fury pricked the hairs on Lorfhins neck, stopping him in his tracks.

Edited to add part II: deleted middle sentence.

I thought deep and guttural were redundant. Not sure how to cram all that last sentence together.

My style, if you can call it that is to avoid all semi and regular colons. No dashes. No italics. I don't mind reading them. I just feel odd writing them. And, while pricked doesn't sound bad to me, I'm not sure it's the right word.

My 2 cents.

john barnes on toast · Aug 24, 2009

Libbie said:
I myself am a fan of repetitive ands. I liked it the first way, although the second way works, too.

Agreed.

I think it's a dangerous assumption that replacing an 'and' with a comma is always preferable.

Sometimes, when done deliberately, a repeated 'and' can have great effect.

In my current WIP I was writing about a surgeon who'd consider himself at the vanguard of medical science, but had come to feel threatened by new technologies whilst he was - 'still beholden to the world of blood and bones and cartilage.'

The repeated 'and' was absolutely deliberate, intended to evoke a sense of labour and antiquity in the sentence.

Not impressed when an editor changed the first 'and' to a comma.

Folofop · Aug 24, 2009

Thanks folks, it's cool to see how everyone would write the sentence in their own way, very interesting.

I've soaked in all the information and will bear in mind for other troublesome sentences!

Give yourself a nice pat on the back for helping out

RJK · Aug 24, 2009

The above posts all look good, but I'll give it a try:

A howl broke the quiet calm of the forest; the very air crackled as it echoed through the trees, a wailing so deep and full of guttural fury, it pricked the hairs on Lorfhins neck, stopping him in his tracks.

BootChaser · Aug 28, 2009

Oh, I like these, they're fun. =D I wanna do it too, even though the OP has indicated they no longer need the revision.

A howl broke the quiet calm of the forest. The air crackled as it echoed through the trees; a wailing so deep and guttural, so full of fury, that it prickled the hairs on Lorfhins neck and stopped him in his tracks.

Ta-da

I'm done! That was fun, thank you for allowing me my indulgence!

Wayne K · Aug 28, 2009

ScarletPeaches:
"My howl broke the quiet calm of the forest. The air crackled as it echoed through the trees; a wailing so deep and guttural, so full of fury, that it prickled the hairs on Coliins neck and stopped him in his tracks."

My version.

NeuroFizz · Aug 28, 2009

A howl broke the quiet calm of the forest~~; the air crackled as it echoed through the trees~~, a wailing so ~~bitter~~, laden with grief and full of fury it pricked the hairs on Lorfhin’s neck, stopping him in his tracks.

I don't know where you are in modifying this phrase, but I'll comment on this version just to give y'all something to think about (nothing concrete just suggestions to consider when writing such a phrase). First, the initial strike-through phrase adds absolutely nothing to the passage--it's just added word baggage. AND it does a disservice to the passage--it gives too much word separation between the stimulus and the character's response. By far, what's important here is how the character responds to the sound because that is what will move the story along.

Second strike-through - bitter is a taste sensation although it has other definitions and uses. But you are squarely in the sensory world of your character here, so that just sticks out as strange, not clever.

Third, you are getting a little loose with POV here (which may be desirable). You talk about the sound being "laden with grief and full of fury" but is this an absolute, from the POV of the narrator or is it an interpretation of the character? I'd put this a little more in the character's mind and his/her interpretation of the sound.

Folofop · Aug 29, 2009

Thanks all.

'Tis fascinating to see so much variation and different perspectives on one sentence.

CatSlave · Aug 29, 2009

"Quiet calm" is redundant, don'tcha think?

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