Two non-distinct thoughts in narrative

BlackBriar · Aug 1, 2009

What is the correct way (if there is one) to handle indistinct thoughts (no I's) in the narrative of two people in third person.

Extreme example-

"No, I don't want to go," James said. He definitely wouldn't go if Allison was coming along.

"Well, we will go by ourselves then," Ashely said. She didn't really understand why James didn't want to go, but she knew he was stubborn.

My own example-

Takeshi shuffled towards him, the dream from last night still cracking his nerves. "What is it?" he asked, eyeing the long and thin black cloth Monk held.

Monk deliberately handed him the cloth with both hands. "You need a weapon."

Since deliberately is described as 'with intention', how does my MC who is driving the narrative know that it was done deliberately?

Edit:

One more question.

How far can you go into the narrative to the point before it should become dialogue. ?

Example:

"What is it?" he asked grumpily, not giving a damn about rudeness.

alleycat · Aug 1, 2009

You might get the "show, don't tell " lecture. ;-) Just teasing, fellow Tennessean.

In your example, you could do something like, "Monk slowly and with great ceremony held out [or offered] the cloth-wrapped object to Takeshi . . . " Just an idea.

By the way, the way the sentence is constructed, I think I would include the character's name in the dialogue tag. "What is it?" Takeshi asked . . . "

BlackBriar · Aug 1, 2009

Ah, show, not tell. Quickly becoming my old friend and greatest nemesis.

So with your example, it seems that would be even more complicated than just using deliberately any way I put it to show that he was being careful. Is this one of those cases where you can simply use it?

About your second advice, I am always worrying about not using my character's names too much so it doesn't become-

James said
Rob said
James said
Rob said
Maggy said

Are the rules different when it comes to dialogue within the narrative as my example above showed?

alleycat · Aug 1, 2009

I don't really have a problem with using deliberately. A person would normally be able to see that something is done deliberately; it's not like the character is having to go into the mind of the other character. My example was an alternate.

The trouble that I saw with your dialogue tag is you have two characters in the picture. It's hard to tell who is speaking until you get to the end of the sentence. "What is it?" he asked. Who asked? Takeshi or "him"? We don't know until getting past the dialogue tag. It's nitpicking, but I did find it slightly awkward. The sentence could also be rewritten to eliminate any possible pause it might cause a reader.

BlackBriar · Aug 1, 2009

alleycat said:
I don't really have a problem with using deliberately. A person would normally be able to see that something is done deliberately; it's not like the character is having to go into the mind of the other character. My example was an alternate.

The trouble that I saw with your dialogue tag is you have two characters in the picture. It's hard to tell who is speaking until you get to the end of the sentence. "What is it?" he asked. Who asked? Takeshi or "him"? We don't know until getting past the dialogue tag. It's nitpicking, but I did find it slightly awkward. The sentence could also be rewritten to eliminate any possible pause it might cause a reader.

1. Yeah that was my thought too.

2. Now I see what you are saying. The sentences before and the previous chapter make clear that these two are alone, and I thought that would be enough. I will definitely be more careful with 'hims', and 'hers' from now on.

Thanks for the help fellow Tennessean.

danbennett · Aug 1, 2009

I wonder if the word deliberately is needed at all. I think handing someone a cloth is usually going to be deliberate, and the fact that he hands it "with both hands" reinforces this.

LOG · Aug 1, 2009

I thought it was fine.

maestrowork · Aug 1, 2009

You can show how he "deliberately" does something.

Or "deliberate" is a judgment based on the POV character's interpretation.

Either way works fine.

alleycat · Aug 1, 2009

maestrowork said:
You can show how he "deliberately" does something.

Or "deliberate" is a judgment based on the POV character's interpretation.

Either way works fine.

Yes, that was basically what I was saying. I should have been clearer in my first post.

Kathleen42 · Aug 1, 2009

CupofDice said:
Ah, show, not tell. Quickly becoming my old friend and greatest nemesis.

Self-Editing for Fiction Writers has a simply kick ass chapter on show vs tell, just as an FYI.

BlackBriar · Aug 1, 2009

Thanks Kathleen42. I looked it up on googlebooks, and will check it out.

Two non-distinct thoughts in narrative

BlackBriar

Bricoleur

alleycat

Still around

BlackBriar

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alleycat

Still around

BlackBriar

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danbennett

New kid, be gentle!

LOG

Lagrangian

maestrowork

Fear the Death Ray

alleycat

Still around

Kathleen42

crushing on fictional characters

BlackBriar

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