Which "beginning of a book" do you prefer?

Wayne Thornton · Jul 8, 2009

Gamma, a beautiful young nurse, looked out the hall window of her hospital ward. As she noticed the cloudy mist of the nuclear wasteland on the horizon, she thought to herself “Today, a young man is risking his life for the sake of our planet.”

The news report had indicated that he was selected for the mission because he was yada, yada, yada

Or #2:

When she arrived, she saw the early signs of radiation poisoning on his hands and arms. She quickly ripped off her skirt, made a temporary bandage, and covered his wounds. Then she injected him in his hip with an anti-toxin.

*****
Gamma, a beautiful young nurse, looked out the hall window of her hospital ward. As she noticed the cloudy mist of the nuclear wasteland on the horizon, she thought to herself “Today, a young man is risking his life for the sake of our planet.”

The news report had indicated that he was selected for the mission because he was yada, yada, yada.

(This is my first post on this site. I am sorry if I am out of line, or posted this in the wrong place. If so, where was I supposed to post it?)

alleycat · Jul 8, 2009

Well, #2, I guess.

Gamma's dialogue sounds wooden and stilted to me however.

Don't worry too much about where to post something. Just try to post in the most appropriate forum whenever possible; if something needs to be moved a moderator will take care of it.

BigWords · Jul 8, 2009

Welcome to the Cooler.

I'm gonna pip in with a vote for #2 as well. It has a more urgent sense of the situation and uses a neat visual element.

Cyia · Jul 8, 2009

Honestly, I don't think either of them will do your story any favors. Not only is the dialogue stilted, but you're spoon feeding too much information upfront. It reads more like an outline than the beginning passage of a novel or short story.

You don't have to come straight out of the gate with "beautiful young nurse". Let her beauty come through in the course of the narrative. Let the reader discover she's young by the way she interacts with others - maybe they think she's naive or inexperienced, either would be an indicator of youth.

Words like "quickly" are generally throw away filler in a scene like a triage. The speed is implied and there are better ways of reinforcing it.

Just going with #2 here as an example. It's a quick rewrite, and not a great one from someone who doesn't know your story or characters, so take it for what it's worth:

When she arrived, she saw the early signs of radiation poisoning on his hands and arms. She quickly ripped off her skirt, made a temporary bandage, and covered his wounds. Then she injected him in his hip with an anti-toxin.

*****
Gamma, a beautiful young nurse, looked out the hall window of her hospital ward. As she noticed the cloudy mist of the nuclear wasteland on the horizon, she thought to herself “Today, a young man is risking his life for the sake of our planet.”

The news report had indicated that he was selected for the mission because he was yada, yada, yada.

Early signs of radiation poisoning blistered his hands and arms, leaving a trail of seeping fluid across his skin. It wasn't likely he'd survive long enough for infection to set, but so long as he was there, he was a patient.

Gamma surrendered her skirt to the task of making bandages, dressed his wounds as well as she could, then reached for a hypodermic. Pain shouldn't have made her smile, but the small jerk when she put the needle in his hip meant he was still alive. He was a fighter.

"Pretty."

She hadn't realized he was awake until she heard his voice. Pale eyes stared up through the haze of pain and sickness, only to close as soon as she met them.

"Pret-ty," he mumbled again before medication and exhaustion took over and he passed out.

Gamma's eyes strayed from the patient to the ward's window. A toxic mist hung at the horizon beyond the wasteland - clouds that in her mind became cleansing rain like she'd never seen.

This is the day. She thought. One man for the rest of us, one for the planet.

The news report indicated he'd been selected for the mission because yada, yada, yada. It would be a more poetic end if he'd been a volunteer, but still more than a fair trade.

Etola · Jul 8, 2009

I'm also going to have to go with #2. It's more immediate, with more "showing" and less telling. Throw the reader into the action, and it helps a lot.

Incidentally, is Gamma the same woman treating the guy with radiation burns? The stars seem to indicate a scene jump, which makes me think that the woman tearing up her skirt is with the man trying to save the world, and Gamma is in a completely different place, thinking about them. (Incidentally, if the woman tearing up her skirts is actually Gamma, or another nurse, she probably wouldn't be tearing up her skirts. If she has needles with anti-toxin handy, then she would more than likely also have sterile bandages. Just my thoughts.)

geardrops · Jul 8, 2009

I would say don't worry about how you start until the novel's entirely written

efkelley · Jul 8, 2009

dempsey said:
I would say don't worry about how you start until the novel's entirely written

Quite so. First write. Then Polish.

And, if it helps, another vote for #2.

Wayne Thornton · Jul 8, 2009

Thanks a lot. This is a tough crowd, but I appreciate some of the harsh frankness, honest opinions, and suggestions. Strange indeed, in a land of make-believe.

I am very glad I found this site.

Wayne Thornton · Jul 8, 2009

Cyia said:
Honestly, I don't think either of them will do your story any favors. Not only is the dialogue stilted, but you're spoon feeding too much information upfront. It reads more like an outline than the beginning passage of a novel or short story.

You don't have to come straight out of the gate with "beautiful young nurse". Let her beauty come through in the course of the narrative. Let the reader discover she's young by the way she interacts with others - maybe they think she's naive or inexperienced, either would be an indicator of youth.

Words like "quickly" are generally throw away filler in a scene like a triage. The speed is implied and there are better ways of reinforcing it.

Just going with #2 here as an example. It's a quick rewrite, and not a great one from someone who doesn't know your story or characters, so take it for what it's worth:

Early signs of radiation poisoning blistered his hands and arms, leaving a trail of seeping fluid across his skin. It wasn't likely he'd survive long enough for infection to set, but so long as he was there, he was a patient.

Gamma surrendered her skirt to the task of making bandages, dressed his wounds as well as she could, then reached for a hypodermic. Pain shouldn't have made her smile, but the small jerk when she put the needle in his hip meant he was still alive. He was a fighter.

"Pretty."

She hadn't realized he was awake until she heard his voice. Pale eyes stared up through the haze of pain and sickness, only to close as soon as she met them.

"Pret-ty," he mumbled again before medication and exhaustion took over and he passed out.

Gamma's eyes strayed from the patient to the ward's window. A toxic mist hung at the horizon beyond the wasteland - clouds that in her mind became cleansing rain like she'd never seen.

This is the day. She thought. One man for the rest of us, one for the planet.

The news report indicated he'd been selected for the mission because yada, yada, yada. It would be a more poetic end if he'd been a volunteer, but still more than a fair trade.

Dear "C", Thank you very much. Your rewrite was awesome. It made me want to quit writing. And, I would, except I have a drive to tell a story about what could have happened shortly after the Universe was formed 13.7 Billion years ago. --- Chagrin

Etola · Jul 8, 2009

Wayne Thornton said:
Thanks a lot. This is a tough crowd, but I appreciate some of the harsh frankness, honest opinions, and suggestions. Strange indeed, in a land of make-believe.

I am very glad I found this site.

Hey, I can't speak for everyone here, but in my own experience, geeks and nerds can be pretty tough critics

I think at least part of it comes from it being all the harder to keep belief suspended when you're dealing with starships and sorcerers.

Welcome to the site! And remember...We crit because we care!

Which "beginning of a book" do you prefer?

Wayne Thornton

alleycat

Still around

BigWords

Geekzilla

Cyia

Rewriting My Destiny

Etola

Still looking for stars...

geardrops

Good thing I like my day job

efkelley

ow

Wayne Thornton

Wayne Thornton

Etola

Still looking for stars...