Is this too long a first sentence?

Shinryu · Jul 7, 2009

The moment Lloyd Areias knocked on the door of the mansion, he knew two things: the platoon of soldiers hiding behind the hedges that lined the pathway would ambush him if he attempted to leave, and whatever the Merchant had called upon him for, it was of dire importance.

I'm afraid the sentence is a bit too long for a first sentence; what would you guys think?

TheIT · Jul 7, 2009

No, it's not too long. It's clear and says what needs to be said.

Are you really only 117 words into this novel? If so, KEEP WRITING and don't worry about this sort of detail until you've hit an ending.

wannawrite · Jul 7, 2009

I liked it.

Shinryu · Jul 7, 2009

All right, thanks for the input, guys

TheIT: Um.. yeah ^^; I just have a bad habit of wanting to get the beginning just right before moving on. Now, for the rest of the novel! =D

Millicent M'Lady · Jul 7, 2009

Nope. I really liked it too. I don't think it's too long at all but I have a bit of a love affair with writing ridiculously long sentences...

TheIT · Jul 7, 2009

I was stuck in a "gotta fix the beginning" trap for years until I realized I was beginning my novel in the wrong place. Keep writing. By the time you hit an ending, you might realize that your story really begins somewhere else.

Good luck!

Doodlebug · Jul 7, 2009

Shinryu said:
The moment Lloyd Areias knocked on the door of the mansion, he knew two things: the platoon of soldiers hiding behind the hedges that lined the pathway would ambush him if he attempted to leave, and whatever the Merchant had called upon him for, it was of dire importance.

I'm afraid the sentence is a bit too long for a first sentence; what would you guys think?

If the rest of your novel is as good as the first sentence, then it should be great

But everyone is absolutely right - don't worry too much about the first sentence until you're in the revision phase. If you do, you run the risk of being frozen by indecision and second guessing. Keep moving forward!

Best of luck.

The Lonely One · Jul 7, 2009

A suggestion, thought the sentence is structurally fine:

Shinryu said:
The moment Lloyd Areias knocked on the door of the mansion, he knew two things: the platoon of soldiers hiding behind the ~~hedges that lined the~~ hedge-lined pathway would ambush him if he attempted to leave, and whatever the Merchant had called upon him for, it was of dire importance.

Just slightly less clunky IMO. Otherwise it's fine.

Cyia · Jul 7, 2009

Shinryu said:
The moment Lloyd Areias knocked on the door of the mansion, he knew two things: the platoon of soldiers hiding along the hedge-lined path~~behind the hedges that lined the pathway~~ would ambush him if he attempted to leave, and whatever the Merchant had called upon him for~~, it~~ was of dire importance.

I'm afraid the sentence is a bit too long for a first sentence; what would you guys think?

I gave it a bit of a tweak, but IMO, your problem isn't with your length. I'm a bit confused on who's who (and it may just be me, so...)

Is "he" Lloyd Areias? Or is he someone inside the house watching Lloyd knock? Is Lloyd the merchant?

HelloKiddo · Jul 7, 2009

Cyia said:
~~The moment~~ When Lloyd Areias knocked on ~~the door of the mansion~~ the mansion door, he knew two things: the platoon of soldiers hiding along the hedge-lined path ~~behind the hedges that lined the pathway~~ would ambush him if he attempted to leave, and whatever the Merchant had called upon him for, it was of dire importance.

I'm afraid the sentence is a bit too long for a first sentence; what would you guys think?

I don't think it's too long. Sorry about the tweaking. I know you weren't asking for a critique, but I saw Cyia's post and my fingers got itchy. Hope you don't mind.

mlazzer · Jul 8, 2009

I've seen way longer first sentences than that, so I really wouldn't worry!

NightClerk · Jul 8, 2009

mlazzer said:
I've seen way longer first sentences than that, so I really wouldn't worry!

Yeah, really. I've seen first sentences that are damn near paragraph-sized - and they were still good even then. Of course, I've also seen some that made me wonder how in the hell the author ever managed to publish a book in the first place.

maestrowork · Jul 8, 2009

Grammatically it's not quite right. If you are going to include a list following a colon, you need to use semicolons instead of commas (I also tightened the sentence a bit -- sorry)... I also agree with the point about Lloyd Areias and "he":

The moment he knocked on the mansion door, Lloyd Areias knew two things: the platoon of soldiers hiding behind the pathway hedges would ambush him if he attempted to leave; and whatever the Merchant had called upon him for was of dire importance.

[obviously there are other ways to further tighten the sentence; but as is, it's not too long]

john barnes on toast · Jul 8, 2009

It's not too long, but it's not too good either (IMO)

but if you're right at the beginning of this project, then neither of these things matter a jot at the moment.

If you're labouring over the first line before you've finished the first page then you'll never get anywhere near the end of the story. Let it go. Move on. In all likelihood the evolvling story will dictate that the beginning needs to be changed anyway.

NeuroFizz · Jul 8, 2009

Shinryu said:
The moment Lloyd Areias knocked on the door of the mansion, he knew two things: the platoon of soldiers hiding behind the hedges that lined the pathway would ambush him if he attempted to leave, and whatever the Merchant had called upon him for, it was of dire importance.

A couple of things. First, a platoon is between 30 and 50 soldiers. Was the hedge-lined path that long, and did he have to walk that long gauntlet knowing the soldiers were there? Is that overkill (in the number of soldiers)? It would only take a few to ambush one man.

Second, if this is the opening to a story, I would think you'd want to make it more active and thus crank up the immediacy of the situation (this example may not be what you want and it is very rough and crappy--it's given just to suggest one of many ways to get more tension in the opening. And one way to do that is to NOT have a long complex sentence, but to break it up with some choppiness, to put the reader on edge).

Lloyd Areias knocked [you might want to use a synonym for knocked that suggests more immediacy, like pounded] on the mansion door. He couldn't go back now. The crouching soldiers beyond the hedges that lined the path he had just walked would make sure of that. The silence from the other side of the door amplified his vulnerability [adding a little bit of "ticking clock" will ramp the tension]. Whatever was behind the Merchant's summons must be of dire importance. LLoyd leaned against the door, willing it to open, and whispered to the coarse-cut wood, "It is for me."

Wark · Jul 8, 2009

I don't hate it. If I read it casually it would be fine, but you asked for analysis.

I see it as action and would like shorter sentences.

Charlie Horse · Jul 8, 2009

I would suggest that if you're questioning the length of the sentence, then it probably is too long, first sentence or otherwise.

But like others have mentioned, keep writing. Chances are your first sentence won't be the same once your book is done.

SarahMacManus · Jul 8, 2009

Shinryu said:
The moment Lloyd Areias knocked on the door of the mansion, he knew two things: the platoon of soldiers hiding behind the hedges that lined the pathway would ambush him if he attempted to leave, and whatever the Merchant had called upon him for, it was of dire importance.

I'm afraid the sentence is a bit too long for a first sentence; what would you guys think?

Not at all, but don't make them all like that or you'll drive your readers nuts.

maestrowork · Jul 8, 2009

I agree about a couple things:

a) it's not too long (but needs some tweaking as I posted)
b) it's telling, and not showing
c) don't worry about it now. Just write. Keep moving while you have momentum.

Is this too long a first sentence?

Shinryu

Bad With Names

TheIT

Infuriatingly Theoretical

wannawrite

Shinryu

Bad With Names

Millicent M'Lady

Exploring the infinite abyss

TheIT

Infuriatingly Theoretical

Doodlebug

The Lonely One

Why is a raven like a writing desk?

Cyia

Rewriting My Destiny

HelloKiddo

bemused observer

mlazzer

New kid, be gentle

NightClerk

maestrowork

Fear the Death Ray

john barnes on toast

NeuroFizz

The grad students did it

Wark

Mark Brockman

Charlie Horse

Speaking in metaphors

SarahMacManus

maestrowork

Fear the Death Ray