trouble...

Take a look at some of the point of view threads. That may help. Essentially this is a POV problem.

I think if you started a new paragraph when you jumped to the pov that would be just fine.

In your example, all you need to do is start a new paragraph at "The ceiling." Because you're going from the inner world of thoughts to the outer world of the surroundings.

When you write it, yeah, it seems complicated and sticks out, but check any novel you like - you'll find when you read it that it flows right along, and you know where you are and what they're thinking. Often the switch is made in just a sentence or two:

A man was coming down the street.
Oh, god. I hope he doesn't see me. Please go away.
He stopped and lit a cigarette.

You can also extend the thoughts/internal dialogue out to a paragraph or two, as in your example, but don't go for more than half a page unless it's really important to do so.

Also inner thoughts should be Italisized to set them apart from others. That way the reader knows it is inner thoughts instead of dialog.

I could be wrong on this, but italicized thoughts aren't always the usual route, and if overdone, can be distracting. Check out Self-Editing for Fiction Writers, by Renni Browne - it has a section on this.

I think the fact that you're writing in first person, and present tense makes this more difficult than it would be otherwise.

For example, in 3rd person, past tense, the POV character's thoughts would be italicized and would have a first-person, present tense voice, but the narration itself would be in 3rd Past.



There are people that we seek out and meet through impulses that seem to come from places higher then we know. The struggles we endure day after day, year after year, seem to lead to a temporary heaven, where we bathe in god’s gracious words and drink his wine only until the bottle is empty and dangling between our fingers. But in the end, all we want them to ask is, are you ok? Because in the end, that’s all it takes to be free. The ceiling seemed to twirl above his head and leaned in to scream at him.

I'm not saying you should change the way you're writing. I'm just saying the voice you've chosen calls for more creative ways of dealing with distinctions like this.

I believe the reference to italics in Self editing was directed at dialogue. You shouldn't italicize every other word for emphasis.

You can italcize thoughts, as long as you're consistant throughout the book. Either do it or don't. As long as it's clear it's a thought, then you can also ditch the dialog tag "he thought."

When subbing, though, most people would like to see italics as underlines.

1st person, present tense doesn't make it more difficult. You just need to use different techniques (my book's written in 1st person, present -- you can check out my site for a sample chapter).

And please, don't italicize a big chunk of internal monologue. There's no need. As long as you stay close to one POV character, the transitions between internal thoughts and external observations can be done intuitively. You don't have to italicize every thought as long as the transition is clear or if you can put the thoughts in narrative instead of direct monologue:

He ran down the street, praying to God that his pursuers didn't see him.

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In the other case, just use a paragraph break:

I lie in bed, thinking hard.

There are people that we seek out and meet through impulses that seem to come from places higher then we know. The struggles we endure day after day, year after year, seem to lead to a temporary heaven, where we bathe in god’s gracious words and drink his wine only until the bottle is empty and dangling between our fingers. But in the end, all we want them to ask is: Are you ok? Because in the end, that’s all it takes to be free.

The ceiling seems to twirl above my head and lean in to scream at me.

Click to expand...

In my book, I switch in and out between internal and external all the time. As long as you do it in a consistent way, your voice is consistent, and as long as the transition is clear, I don't think your readers will have any trouble following.

Cheers,

Yeah, I recommend a paragraph break for this one.

godlikegreg said:

There are people that we seek out and meet through impulses that seem to come from places higher then we know. The struggles we endure day after day, year after year, seem to lead to a temporary heaven, where we bathe in god’s gracious words and drink his wine only until the bottle is empty and dangling between our fingers. But in the end, all we want them to ask is, are you ok? Because in the end, that’s all it takes to be free.

The ceiling seems to twirl above my head and lean in to scream at me

Click to expand...