help with this sentence

bkwriter · Jun 29, 2009

I have five adj in one chapter and am trying to get ride of one of them (I did get rid of some) what do you think of this sentence.

Chris’s eyes stayed on Diana while he worked at a (adj)steady pace moving the boat a little at a time.

again thanks for taking a look.
bk

Bufty · Jun 29, 2009

WHAT!! Five? In one chapter? HIDE!!! They're coming for you!! :Hug2:

It doesn't depend upon the quantity - it depends how you use them.

I can't comment on the sentence out of context but there's nothing radically wrong with it.

You could replace 'at a steady pace' with 'steadily,'. And you could change that eyes section to read -Chris kept watch on Diana. So one way of revising the sentence is -and you did ask:-

Chris kept watch on Diana and worked steadily, moving the boat a little at a time.

There's more than one way to tighten up sentences -just keep working at it.

If you use an adjective to strengthen a lazy/vague noun, but can find a strong single noun to replace the adjective and the noun -do so.

He was a tiny man.

He was a midget.

bkwriter said:
I have five adj in one chapter and am trying to get ride of one of them (I did get rid of some) what do you think of this sentence.

Chris’s eyes stayed on Diana while he worked at a (adj)steady pace moving the boat a little at a time.

again thanks for taking a look.
bk

Ludka · Jun 29, 2009

bkwriter said:
I have five adj in one chapter and am trying to get ride of one of them (I did get rid of some) what do you think of this sentence.

Chris’s eyes stayed on Diana while he worked at a (adj)steady pace moving the boat a little at a time.

again thanks for taking a look.
bk

The only comment I have is that you should have a comma after 'pace,' as what comes after it is a subordinate clause.

You could just cut out the middle part and say, "Chris's eyes stayed on Diana while he moved the boat a little at a time."

Up to you.

Matera the Mad · Jun 29, 2009

I have five adjectives in one paragraph. They're all working hard.

bkwriter · Jun 29, 2009

thanks you guys. I like steadily and I never know how many adv adj I should keep or take out so I try to keep few as possable.

Matera the Mad · Jun 29, 2009

I do think adverb-hunting is great sport though

Priene · Jun 30, 2009

bkwriter said:
I have five adj in one chapter and am trying to get ride of one of them (I did get rid of some) what do you think of this sentence.

Chris’s eyes stayed on Diana while he worked at a (adj)steady pace moving the boat a little at a time.

I think you're sentence is a mess, and it's nothing to do with the adjective. Breaking it down, we get

Chris's eyes stayed on Diana
Chris was working
Chris's work was at a steady pace.
Chris was moving the boat
The boat was moving a little at a time

There's unintended humour (I may not be the only one who's imagining Chris has popped his eyes out and placed them on Diana) and a near-redundancy, as you have both steady pace and a little at a time.

Personally, I'd have one sentence about Chris watching Diana and one about the boat getting moved.

Manix · Jun 30, 2009

bkwriter said:
I have five adj in one chapter and am trying to get ride of one of them (I did get rid of some) what do you think of this sentence.

Chris’s eyes stayed on Diana while he worked at a (adj)steady pace moving the boat a little at a time.

again thanks for taking a look.
bk

Chris rowed across the lake taking a leisurely route but his eyes never left Diana's face.

PVish · Jul 1, 2009

Ludka said:
The only comment I have is that you should have a comma after 'pace,' as what comes after it is a subordinate clause.

Um, no. "Moving the boat a little at a time" is a participial phrase, not a clause. Because it follows the noun "pace," it modifies "pace." I don't think that's what bkwriter meant.

Priene mentioned:

Chris's eyes stayed on Diana
Chris was working
Chris's work was at a steady pace.
Chris was moving the boat
The boat was moving a little at a time

Instead of

Chris’s eyes stayed on Diana while he worked at a steady pace moving the boat a little at a time.

how about this: Watching Diana, Chris moved the boat slowly and steadily.

Sometimes adverbs work—especially when they save words.

Arkie · Jul 1, 2009

Christ couldn't take his eyes off Diana, as he paddled hard against the current.

Bufty · Jul 1, 2009

Chris squeezed two dabs of superglue on Diana's forehead and pressed his eyes on the blobs before blindly fumbling for the oars.

Diana slapped him, hard. "Watch your hands, buddy."

Chris shrugged. "I would but the writer says my eyes have to stay on you."

:Hug2:

help with this sentence

bkwriter

Bufty

Where have the last ten years gone?

Ludka

Hath more hair than wit

Matera the Mad

Bartender, gimme a Linux Mint

bkwriter

Matera the Mad

Bartender, gimme a Linux Mint

Priene

Out to lunch

Manix

Mutatis mutandis

PVish

Cat hair collector

Arkie

a reader's ear and a writer's heart

Bufty

Where have the last ten years gone?