Is this the right way to write this sentence?

[EdwardL]

I am trying to write this sentence in a correct way, yet I don't see any other way to write it. My wife says that this sentence is written wrongfully, so I'm asking for your help.

This is the problematic sentence;
A Bell Ringer was assigned to the task of ringing the bell at the time of death to guide the soul into the celestial consensus, or what many call heaven, from which it will be reborn again into a new body.



The meaning behind is; that at point of death, a Bell Ringer, who is like a priest, comes to the place where the dying person is and at the time of that person's death, the Bell Ringer will ring his bell. It is believed that the sound of the bell somehow guides the spirit of recently departed person into the afterlife.

I appreciate all help you can give me regarding this sentence. :)

[Dale Emery]

It looks fine to me.

What does your wife say is incorrect about it?

Dale

[Kitty Pryde]

Looks fine to me too, but it might be a little slicker to EITHER say "heaven" or "the celestial consensus" (which sounds pretty neato to me and is easy to tell you are talking about an afterlife), not both.

[Lisa Cox]

A Bell Ringer was assigned to the task of ringing the bell at the time of death to guide the soul into the celestial consensus, or what many call heaven, from which it will be reborn again into a new body.

I can't really work this sentence into something I'm happy with, but here's a couple of suggestions:

A Bell Ringer was assigned the task of ringing the bell at the time of death to guide the soul into the celestial consensus -- or what many call 'heaven'. It will then be reborn into a new body.

To guide the soul into the celestial consensus -- what many call 'heaven' -- a Bell Ringer will ring the bell at the time of death. The soul will then be reborn into a new body.

*sigh* All versions are clunky and run-on. Hopefully someone else will come along with better suggestions.

Whatever you do, cut 'again' out the last sentence because it's redundant with your use of 'reborn'.

[ideagirl]

I am trying to write this sentence in a correct way, yet I don't see any other way to write it. My wife says that this sentence is written wrongfully, so I'm asking for your help.

This is the problematic sentence;
A Bell Ringer was assigned to the task of ringing the bell at the time of death to guide the soul into the celestial consensus, or what many call heaven, from which it will be reborn again into a new body.


"Celestial consensus" looks like it should be in quotes to me--that is, it looks like jargon or a term used within the particular group you're describing. If you're using a particular religion's special terminology and that terminology is not already widely understood, it should be either italicized (if it's in a foreign language--e.g. Buddhist or Muslim terminology) or put in quotes (if it's in English). Also, the sentence is in the past tense until near the end, when you jump into the present with "will." Stick with one tense. Also, "the time of death" is less precise than "the moment of death." The "time of death" can just mean a time of day--say, 9:32 a.m.--so the Bell Ringer might be ringing the bell at 9:32 a.m. either when the person dies, or a day or a week or whenever after the death. If you say "moment of death," it specifically means the moment when the person actually died.

Here's a suggestion: "A Bell Ringer was assigned the task of ringing the bell at the moment of death to guide the soul into the 'celestial consensus'--their word for Heaven--from which it would be reborn into a new body."

[Bufty]

I understood it on first read.

[Bufty]

Not sure that's so.

If it's a continuing process with souls being constantly reborn following the death of their hosts then the 'again' is not wrong per se.



Whatever you do, cut 'again' out the last sentence because it's redundant with your use of 'reborn'.

[Dale Emery]

If it's a continuing process with souls being constantly reborn following the death of their hosts then the 'again' is not wrong per se.

"Reborn again" is right if the sentence refers only to those souls who have already been reborn. Otherwise it's not right.

In either case, it's probably unnecessary.

Dale

[Kitty Pryde]

"Celestial consensus" looks like it should be in quotes to me--that is, it looks like jargon or a term used within the particular group you're describing. If you're using a particular religion's special terminology and that terminology is not already widely understood, it should be either italicized (if it's in a foreign language--e.g. Buddhist or Muslim terminology) or put in quotes (if it's in English). Also, the sentence is in the past tense until near the end, when you jump into the present with "will." Stick with one tense. Also, "the time of death" is less precise than "the moment of death." The "time of death" can just mean a time of day--say, 9:32 a.m.--so the Bell Ringer might be ringing the bell at 9:32 a.m. either when the person dies, or a day or a week or whenever after the death. If you say "moment of death," it specifically means the moment when the person actually died.

Here's a suggestion: "A Bell Ringer was assigned the task of ringing the bell at the moment of death to guide the soul into the 'celestial consensus'--their word for Heaven--from which it would be reborn into a new body."

I strongly disagree. In speculative fiction, the author's job is to draw us into a strange world that is unlike our own in any number of ways. When the reader reads, they want to BE RIGHT THERE, not read a anthropologist's tract on the culture's ways. Why use quotes or italics? It's already obvious that 'celestial consensus' is not a thing that we know in the real world. By fitting it seamlessly into the description of something else (in this case, some dude's job), we learn its meaning without being jarred out of place. Calling extra attention to it takes away from the author's work of subtly sketching the world for the reader. (And almost no spec fic authors do it!)

[Tsu Dho Nimh]

This is the problematic sentence;
A Bell Ringer was assigned to the task of ringing the bell at the time of death to guide the soul into the celestial consensus, or what many call heaven, from which it will be reborn again into a new body.


Next time, ask her what is wrong and how would she rewrite it.

That long string of prepositional phrases bothers me - it's a dead sentence. And is it "the bell" (implying you have already mentioned this bell as a specific object, perhaps of ritual importance) or "a bell" (no specific bell has been discussed, any old bell will do)?

A Bell Ringer is summoned to ring a bell at the time of death. The sound of the bell guides the soul into the celestial consensus, what many call heaven, from which it will be reborn.

[Oberon]

I don't think you need the reference to heaven. The meaning is clear enough without it.

[extortionist]

A few things I'd change.

First, I think the "will" towards the end should be "would."

Second, "to the task" is unnecessary, and omitting it allows the sentence to be more direct. "A bell ringer was assigned to ring the bell..."

Third, it should be "a bell" and not "the bell." Well, depending on context--if the bell isn't referenced before this sentence it should be "a" and if it is then "the" is fine. "His/Her" would work even better.

Fourth, "reborn again into a new body" isn't quite right. I don't think 'reborn again' is redundant if it's meant to imply a continuing cycle, but I think it'd be better phrased as 'reborn in a new body' than 'reborn into a new body.' It might be best to find another way to phrase this entirely, though.


Staying close to the original wording, I'd go for something like:

A Bell Ringer was assigned to ring his bell at the time of death to guide the soul into the celestial consensus, or what many call heaven, from which it would be born again in a new body.

Or to break from the original a bit:

A Bell Ringer was assigned to ring his bell at the time of death to guide the deceased's soul into the celestial consensus--what many call heaven--where it would await reincarnation.