Verbs and lists

It's correct but awkward as hell as written. I'd rephrase it completely.

You could write He climbed out of the chair, his old bones creaking, and walked to the front door, so the comma placement is correct. It's just clunky to have the phrase his old bones creaking describing one of the three verb phrases other than the final one.

So reconstruction is required, without regard to which of you is correct. As an afterthought, though, does the scene require this level of choreography? It seems like unnecessary detail if the reader already knows he's old and grouchy, to tell us he leaves his chair, unhappy about the discomfort required to answer the door.

Maryn, who'll help if you need it

What Maryn said.

Maryn, I need help in the form of a cat sitter later this year. Okay with you?

I prefer your first version to both of your amendmends, to be honest. I feel both in their own ways emphasise the bones too much.

The main problem I have with the original is one of flow.


To me this means that he grumbles all the way to the door.

Compare this to:


This, to me, means that he grumbles while muting the show, but then he goes on "with it".

Next: "his old bones creaking"

This is another thing that is going on while he does something else, like grumbling. I assume this covers both the climbing out of his chair and the walking to the door, but it might also only apply to the climbing.

Depending on whether you have (1) or (2) the creaking overlaps with the grumbling or does not.

So, if I add the "creaking bones" and re-arrange the sentences a bit, I'd come up with:

1. Grumbling, he muted the show and, with his old bones creaking, climbed out of his chair and walked to the door.

and-overload; fix-->

1.a) Grumbling, he muted the show and, with his old bones creaking, climbed out of his chair to walk to the door.

OR:

2. Grumbling, he muted the show. Then, with his old bones creaking, he climbed out of his chair and walked to the door.

(I would have the creaking bones cover both climbing and walking, and I wouldn't get rid of the walking either, as it helps emphasise energy expenditure.)

I've been reading a lot of 19th century fiction lately, so maybe may sentence structure is curently a bit too convoluted? So alternatively I offer:

3. Grumbling, he muted the show and climbed out of his chair. His old bones creaked all the way to the door.

There must be a million ways to write this. Lol.

As a first sentence, no version of this seems like enough of a grabber. Consider cutting to who's at the door, or jumping in to their conversation as the problem/crisis/goal is presented. After all, your guy's going to remain old and grouchy, so that can be presented elsewhere in the first page.

The hallways was empty except for the infant in a plastic laundry basket at his door. Who had knocked? Grumbilng, the old man's bones creaked as he carried the basket inside.

Or "Get out, Mr. Smith! The building's been hit by a plane! Don't use the elevators. There's fire." His neighbor did not wait long enough to see how his old bones creaked as he picked up today's medications and the photograph of Reagan.

Or "Hola, senor." The man held a sombrero in paired brown hands.

"Er, hola." He'd better not be begging. Stevens arrived at the knock grumbling, his bones creaking, in no mood to donate.

Silly examples, of course, but they demand more attention than an old mans crossness and discomfort as he answers his door.

Maryn, available for cat-sitting

Use of the -ing contruction isn't wrong.

With this particular sentence, it's just that most people are used to having things delivered in threes: he came, he saw, he conqured.

Yours delivers five.

It sits awkwardly on the eye mainly because of that.

Hope that helps a touch. A good re-write like those above would be a good idea.

Maryn said:

Maryn, available for cat-sitting

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w00t!