Question about Dialogue Format

[JonSwift]

In my current WIP I have some dialogue that is formatted in this fashion (though this is not the dialogue, just an example of the format):

"I am called the Marquis de Avila and this--" he waved a hand toward a woman in a revealing bodice, "is the Lady Priscilla."

My question is: Should the word "he" be capitalized and is that comma in the right placej or should there even be a comma? If the comma is incorrect, what should replace it if anything?

[dawinsor]

The Chicago Manual of Style shows an example of interrupted dialogue using dashes that I think fits. Theirs reads:

"Someday he's going to hit one of those long shots, and"--his voice turned huffy--"I won't be there to see it."

Can you imitate that?

[maestrowork]

I would prefer this:

"I am called the Marquis de Avila and this--" He waved a hand toward a woman in a revealing bodice. "Is the Lady Priscilla."

[IceCreamEmpress]

This is how every publisher I've ever edited for would insist on this being rendered:

"I am called the Marquis de Avila and this"--he waved a hand toward a woman in a revealing bodice--"is the Lady Priscilla."


US, both trade and academic, Chicago Manual of Style. Other publishers' house styles may vary.

If I got your version, as an editor I'd change it to the house style, but I wouldn't think you were wrong, exactly.

[JJ Cooper]

I could never quite figure out the interrupted dialogue way of writing. So generally, I would write:

Thumbing his chest he said, "I am called the Marquis de Avila." He waved a hand toward a woman in a revealing bodice. "And this is the Lady Priscilla."

JJ

[Team 2012]

That's a lot more like it. Those dashes would get blue-pencilled in a hot second by any editor of fiction.

You can't write novels using that style manual. It's not what it's for.

"I am called the Marquis de Avila and this," He waved a hand toward a woman in a revealing bodice, "is the Lady Priscilla."


"I am called the Marquis de Avila and this," He waved a hand toward a woman in a revealing bodice, "Is the Lady Priscilla."


"I am called the Marquis de Avila and this..." he waved a hand toward a woman in a revealing bodice, "...is the Lady Priscilla."

Either of these is better than the dashes. Always the acid test in these things... go pick up a novel and see what they did.

A quick google of "sample chapter" turned this up first, it's by Patricia Cornwell, who apparently writes about a third of all books in used book stores:

"I need to rake the leaves again," I inanely said to my old friend. "December sixth and it's like October. Look out there, Frank. The acorns are big. Have you noticed? Supposedly that means a hard winter, but it doesn't even look like we're going to have winter. I can't remember if you have acorns in Washington."

"We do," he said. "If you can find a tree or two."

Note it shows two different ways to do it. This was first grab out of the box. Trying to think of any novel ever that uses the double dash bit, but nothing comes to mind. Ever.

[The Rav]

I could never quite figure out the interrupted dialogue way of writing. So generally, I would write:

Thumbing his chest he said, "I am called the Marquis de Avila." He waved a hand toward a woman in a revealing bodice. "And this is the Lady Priscilla."

JJ

This is the direction I would go in, too.

[ccv707]

I've never seen anything that says leaving the "he" lower-case is against the rules. I write that way. The way I see it, both ways are appropriate.

[Lisa Cox]

I've just been reading a book in which dialogue is interrupted by dashes and a lower-case letter.

"I am called the Marquis de Avila and this"--he waved a hand toward a woman in a revealing bodice--"is the Lady Priscilla."

But only do it to interrupt dialogue -- if you need to indicate something with action mid-sentence, like with the sentence above.

And this --

"I need to rake the leaves again," I inanely said to my old friend. "December sixth and it's like October. Look out there, Frank. The acorns are big. Have you noticed? Supposedly that means a hard winter, but it doesn't even look like we're going to have winter. I can't remember if you have acorns in Washington."

"We do," he said. "If you can find a tree or two."

-- is not interrupted dialogue. It's normal dialogue with normal dialogue tags. Try not to confuse the OP.

[AnAirplane]

I would say it depends on your writing style, but the double dashes would almost always be appropriate--unless, say, that's the only time you use anything other than commas and periods in the entire manuscript. For example, if your prose has flair like Nabokov's, dash away; I'm pretty sure at some point in Lolita he used both dashes and square brackets in one line. Now, a YA story, I'd be more restrained, probably opting for JJ's version, even at the expense of the interruption.

[dpaterso]

IceCreamEmpress's example is how I would have written the posted sample, with the em-dashes outside the quotes since the speaker isn't necessarily pausing.

Although the sample itself is simple enough to rewrite as JJ's plain English example, which has more appeal.

Perhaps a more complex sentence wouldn't be as easy to rewrite, so the em-dash construction might prove useful.

-Derek

[Stijn Hommes]

It's all one sentence, the bit inbetween the dialog is there as clarification. If the second bit of the sentence is supposed to go with the first, you can't break the sentence up.

[ccv707]

I didn't realize there were dashes there...I would simply write it...

"I am called the Marquis de Avila," he waved a hand toward a woman in a revealing bodice, "And this is the Lady Priscilla."

[KTC]

This is how every publisher I've ever edited for would insist on this being rendered:

"I am called the Marquis de Avila and this"--he waved a hand toward a woman in a revealing bodice--"is the Lady Priscilla."


US, both trade and academic, Chicago Manual of Style. Other publishers' house styles may vary.

If I got your version, as an editor I'd change it to the house style, but I wouldn't think you were wrong, exactly.

I have honestly never seen it written like this before--with em-dashes like that. And yet I know that, with your extensive knowledge, you are absolutely correct. Your advice is ALWAYS spot on. Now I'm going to be hunting for this usage. Maybe I just wasn't paying attention.

[Bufty]

I'm with JJCooper on this one.

To be picky, the gesture should be given before the 'and this', which lends to a more comfortable two sentences, better flow and simpler punctuation.

[Danthia]

The Chicago Manual of Style shows an example of interrupted dialogue using dashes that I think fits. Theirs reads:

"Someday he's going to hit one of those long shots, and"--his voice turned huffy--"I won't be there to see it."

Can you imitate that?

This is how my copy editor had me do it at HarperCollins.

[ccv707]

It's all one sentence, the bit inbetween the dialog is there as clarification. If the second bit of the sentence is supposed to go with the first, you can't break the sentence up.

Yes you can.

[maestrowork]

This is how every publisher I've ever edited for would insist on this being rendered:

"I am called the Marquis de Avila and this"--he waved a hand toward a woman in a revealing bodice--"is the Lady Priscilla."


US, both trade and academic, Chicago Manual of Style. Other publishers' house styles may vary.

If I got your version, as an editor I'd change it to the house style, but I wouldn't think you were wrong, exactly.

You learn something new every day. Honestly, I've never read something written this way. It feels odd, to break up a dialogue that way.

[ccv707]

Indeed, it feels and looks odd, and I've never done it nor ever will, but it's correct if one sees fit to do so. Personally, I hate that. I love my punctuations, but using those dashes there just looks...so...ugly.