Need some input from lesbians

efreysson · May 1, 2009

I'm thinking of having a girl/girl romance between a pair of supporting characters somewhere down the line (it helps to think things out in advance, right?), but being a man, I'll need some advice on how to do this convincingly.
And I'm not really asking about sexual details, I mean more like what women find attractive in other women. The psychology of it, or however I should put it.

And yes, I know people are individuals before they are anything else, but I'd still appreciate any tips or examples you might be willing to give.

Oh, and if it makes a difference, I'm writing a fantasy world, in which society has no hang-ups about same sex relationships (though of course individuals might).

Kris · May 1, 2009

Not an expert but I read a great article in MORE about women coming out at midlife.

Link:

http://www.more.com/sex-dating/dating/reinventing-romance/midlife-dating/

There have also been some studies recently showing that male sexuality is more either or (Either you're straight or you're gay) and female sexuality is more of a continuum (suddenly you may wind up attracted to someone outside your usual orientation. ) Couldn't find links for that, but at the risk of sounding sexist (against men), I think for women it's more about the person, and for men sex is sort of this...separate thing.? (hope that didn't come out sounding offensive to anyone at all)

AngelRoseDarke · May 1, 2009

I'm not a lesbian, but I am bi. I've always found women attractive. They're beautiful and I just feel drawn to them. Personality does count, but looks are what catch my eye to begin with. Most of my lesbian friends say the same thing. It basically comes down to the same reasons men are attracted to women.

Millicent M'Lady · May 1, 2009

I'll add to the above by saying there are different types of attraction and "types" when it comes to the gay scene. Some women might prefer a well-built butch woman, others might like a lipstick lesbian (glam, done-up but likely to alienate lesbian readers if done incorrectly- it could read as a male Playboy type fantasy which would be insulting to real lesbian women).

I'd say most would fall somewhere in between and would find the same things attractive as a male would. You know, nice eyes, nice smile, GSOH etc.

And I know you are aware that all are individuals and this is probably stating the obvious but different women look for things- a protector, an exciting match, a friend, a challenge etc. Your character will probably "tell" you what she is looking for anyway.

Hope this helps.

AngelRoseDarke · May 1, 2009

Millicent M'Lady said:
I'll add to the above by saying there are different types of attraction and "types" when it comes to the gay scene. Some women might prefer a well-built butch woman, others might like a lipstick lesbian (glam, done-up but likely to alienate lesbian readers if done incorrectly- it could read as a male Playboy type fantasy which would be insulting to real lesbian women).

I'd say most would fall somewhere in between and would find the same things attractive as a male would. You know, nice eyes, nice smile, GSOH etc.

And I know you are aware that all are individuals and this is probably stating the obvious but different women look for things- a protector, an exciting match, a friend, a challenge etc. Your character will probably "tell" you what she is looking for anyway.

Hope this helps.

Exactly. Also keep in mind that things can change. Your character could suddenly find herself completely in love with a woman she normally would not be attracted to sexually.

I'll give you an example. I typically go for the "Playboy" types, pretty, blond, model material. Then I met "Jane" (name change). Jane was nothing like a model. She had tats over 80% of her body, worked on cars, and lifted weights all the time. She was more of a guy than most guys I know, but for some reason I was intrigued by her. We wound up dating, but things didn't work out. We're still friends though. The point is that she was completely not my type, but I something about her just caught me.

White-Tean · May 1, 2009

I'm bi too - don't forget the bisexuals, we do so love women too.

Psychologically, the way I'm attracted to women isn't all that different to men, although with women I have somewhat of a kind of kink for women older and more learned than myself - I don't mean sexually learned, I mean more learned in the arts. I actually probably do the same thing with men (although I tend to only date within my own age group, kinks notwithstanding) although it's less pronounced.

I also have a thing for women in a nice uniform which I don't have for men.

I guess you can say I'm a bisexual with a kink for feminism - not the hairy let it hang type of feminism, but the very educated and occasionally uniform wearing (not necessarily military - transit guard, air hostess, whatever looks nice and ever so vaguely authoritative) type of feminism.
Uh, I should also point out be careful with the word lesbian – I mean, you can have two bisexual women in a relationship without that defining them as lesbians – it might be something you deal with in your book, although if it’s in a more forward, relaxed society (in my SF story there’s a degree to which it is assumed that people are bisexual) you might not need to deal with that at all, and indeed you might even make a point of it (labels and whatnot) not being an issue at all.

efreysson · May 2, 2009

Millicent M'Lady said:
I'll add to the above by saying there are different types of attraction and "types" when it comes to the gay scene. Some women might prefer a well-built butch woman, others might like a lipstick lesbian (glam, done-up but likely to alienate lesbian readers if done incorrectly- it could read as a male Playboy type fantasy which would be insulting to real lesbian women).

Yeah, that's just disrespectful, and fear of coming across that way is part of what's giving me pause for now.

Hope this helps.

It does.

Kitty Pryde · May 2, 2009

Find out when it's ladies night at your local gay bar and go people watch

For me it's about 99% personality. I like someone outgoing and confident, fun-loving and adventurous and smart. <--- the opinion of a real live lesbian!

among my other lesbian friends, it's a really wide range. some only like straight girls (this leads to heartache). sometimes i run with a crowd of tiny tattooed short-haired skinny 20- and 30-something arty girls who all crave high drama and essentially take turns dating one another and then dramatically breaking it off. i stay out of this drama business.

as an earlier poster noted, there is a subculture of butch/femme pairings. it's rarer to have two butches or two femmes together (despite what 'the l-word' would have us believe), but i definitely know couples like that too. some women only want to be with a woman who is very feminine. some women only want to be with a woman who is so masculine that she is usually mistaken for a guy. there is a rare creature that some people look for, a 'butch in the streets, femme in the sheets'. that could make for interesting character dynamics

a lot of people act to my partner and i as if one of us is 'the man of the relationship', but they are mistaken. the beauty of the thing is that neither of us are the man of the relationship.

hope some of that is helpful.

efreysson · May 3, 2009

Kitty Pryde said:
Find out when it's ladies night at your local gay bar and go people watch

Well, small town. No gay bar.

Kitty Pryde said:
some only like straight girls

Huh?

Kitty Pryde said:
as an earlier poster noted, there is a subculture of butch/femme pairings. it's rarer to have two butches or two femmes together (despite what 'the l-word' would have us believe), but i definitely know couples like that too. some women only want to be with a woman who is very feminine. some women only want to be with a woman who is so masculine that she is usually mistaken for a guy. there is a rare creature that some people look for, a 'butch in the streets, femme in the sheets'. that could make for interesting character dynamics

. . .

hope some of that is helpful.

Well, I'm a little confused on the butch/femme issue. Are you saying that b/f relationships are the most common, or that most lesbians simply are neither?

Thanks for pitching in.

Parametric · May 3, 2009

Personal experiences as a bisexual girl ...

When I hang out with my male friends we're usually attracted to the same girls. I live in a university city, which is a great place to watch slim, gorgeous university-age girls not wearing very much. Like the men I know, I zero in on long legs, pretty faces and (let's not forget the most important thing) cleavage.

I'd distinguish this visual, sort of speculative attraction to strangers from the real attraction you feel toward a girl you actually know, which is really dependent on personality. A sweet, friendly girl with the proper interest in books and geeky stuff is more attractive than a Barbie-doll stranger any day.

Uh ... what else. It's nearly impossible (or maybe this is just my ineptitude) to figure out whether another girl is straight or not, into you or not. There's this confusing "is she into me or isn't she" stage, in which the apparently platonic touching leaves you desperately trying to figure out the other person's intentions, and you start wishing that bisexual and lesbian girls would just wear a badge or something.

*dons badge*

Kitty Pryde · May 3, 2009

Like I said, for some lesbians, their 'type' is straight women. And I have known numerous women who consider themselves straight who have a relationship with another woman, and then go back to having relationships with men (and don't consider themselves to be bisexual). I can't say much about the state of mind of such women, but I will say that I usually observe them in a relationship with more of a butch woman.

I'd say the most common lesbian relationships are just two chicks who are neither especially butch nor femme, then the next most common would be butch/femme relationships, then after that 2 butches or 2 femmes together. Based on my entirely unscientific observations of my community.

wannawrite · May 3, 2009

I'm bi, and like AngelRoseDarke's response. Same reasons I am attracted to a guy I am attracted to a woman. Smile. Communication. SENSE OF HUMOR. If I can't laugh with a person, I can't be attracted to them, male or female.

Also, want to comment on KittyPryde...isn't it insulting to always be asked 'who is the man?' I LOVE your reply...the point is, there is no man.

So, to end this rambling discourse, I would say that attraction, whatever the gender, is mostly universal.

But, then, I am single. What do I know?

efreysson · May 3, 2009

Parametric said:
I zero in on long legs, pretty faces and (let's not forget the most important thing) cleavage.

You know, it's oddly refreshing to have a woman say that.

Parametric · May 3, 2009

efreysson said:
You know, it's oddly refreshing to have a woman say that.

I plead guilty to crimes of shallowness. And cleavage-watching. Usually the second one. You know that moment when a traffic-stoppingly hot girl walks past, and you have to turn and stare even though the guilty part of your mind is going "must not objectify women!", because she is just that hot?

Yeah, me too. :tongue

Girls digging girls -- not so different from guys digging girls.

efreysson · May 4, 2009

Parametric said:
You know that moment when a traffic-stoppingly hot girl walks past, and you have to turn and stare even though the guilty part of your mind is going "must not objectify women!", because she is just that hot?

Yes I do.

Parametric said:
Girls digging girls -- not so different from guys digging girls.

I'll have to remember that. Maybe have my lesbian character admire a woman's body when she's not looking. And chastising herself for it. And then continuing to admire the view anyway.

scarletpeaches · May 4, 2009

Pfft. I look at attractive women all the time and feel no guilt.

Who doesn't like looking at attractive people?

Calliopenjo · May 4, 2009

It might be better to read a story or two to gain a better understanding of how it works. Go to Amazon.com and look up Radclyffe, BL Miller, or Anne Azel and read one of their books. Find out how to make it happen. As for what attracts another woman to another woman, it could be looks, personality, intelligence. The same things that attract a man to a woman. Try this link: http://xenafiction.net/scrolls/ce_gray_bf1.html. Yes it's fanfiction but try to look at as a way to learn how to weave two women together into a story.

scarletpeaches · May 4, 2009

There really is no one answer to this question.

You can't say what women find attractive in other women; there are just too many variables.

That would apply to anyone, really. Everyone is an individual, that's true, and no two people will give the same answer.

Need some input from lesbians

efreysson

Closer than ever

Kris

like motherf&cking Tolstoy

AngelRoseDarke

Kind-hearted stranger

Millicent M'Lady

Exploring the infinite abyss

AngelRoseDarke

Kind-hearted stranger

White-Tean

Illustration Student

efreysson

Closer than ever

Kitty Pryde

i luv you giant bear statue

efreysson

Closer than ever

Parametric

Kitty Pryde

i luv you giant bear statue

wannawrite

efreysson

Closer than ever

Parametric

efreysson

Closer than ever

scarletpeaches

Calliopenjo

Esteemed thinker

scarletpeaches